I'm feeling kind of lost and unsure of what to do...

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

I have been a member for 11 almost 12 years. It sometimes seems like the trials will never end. About a year after I joined the Church I realized that I had bipolar disorder, thus explaining my crazy behavior up until I got on the right meds. I went to my doctor and he said it was the worst form of bipolar, that I was an ultra rapid cycler. Since I was a kid I had ups and downs and was often depressed. Add an abusive mother and well you've got a messed up kid looking for attention. I wanted to go west and work in special effects, but my depression got worse. anyway, So my 1st wife and I took our kids who were struggling to a doctor and discovered they both had early onset bipolar. My son was 3 and my daughter 5, they think my son's was triggered by ptsd because of some medical issues he had that required 3 surgeries. My daughters i'll explain in a bit. So here was my wife trying to deal with a husband trying to get stable and make sense of his life, and dealing with 2 bipolar kids all the time. I was getting better and becoming a better husband trying to live the Gospel, and she left. She took the kids and left me. I couldn't understand why as I was improving. She said she couldn't deal with me going back to the way I was, and she wasn't willing to wait and see. My life at that point spiralled out of control. Once I was divorced I dated after 7 months. I kept dating the wrong type of girl, and worse, I started drinking after not having a drop for 8 years. I finally got my act together, lived the Gospel, and met a returned missionary on LDS Mingle. After talking on the phone every night for 3 months, we decided to meet. I got on a plane a flew to Salt Lake. We hit it off so well that on day three I proposed. 11 months after we were married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple. Soon after I started my own business and went to college to get my degree in business. Life was great. Then later that year (2005) a freind of the family came by my apartment and told me he had been molesting my daughter and 4 other girls since she was about 6 until she was 13 when it stopped. This was just after he had left to go on a mission, but ended up coming back after a week. My relationship with his family fell apart. He refused to fully take responsibility for what he did and said he shouldn't have to go to jail or register as a sex offender. After awhile I just stopped talking to him and avoided him. My daughter just went to file charges against him, but stopped because it was to painful for her to write out her statement. I have tried to forgive him, but deep inside I am angry. There was a point where I thought I had forgiven him, but now I not sure. My daughter and son both stopped coming to Church. According to them they don't want to see him, they say they hate Church. I have a strong testimony, but I have some sleep issues due to anxiety from college. It seems I am oversleeping alot. I sleep through my alarms (3 of them) and miss Church almost every other week. My wife is a nurse so she works everyother Sunday. I am starting to wonder if there is more, like am I avoiding Church subconsiously and just not realizing it?.....well until now. It make me feel a little depressed to miss Church. I haven't been happy with a calling since I was released from the Elders quorum Presidency. I've talked to my Bishop, but for some reason, I walk away wondering if he even cared. I'm feeling lost and not sure what to do. I was reading the Book of Mormon and that helped, but prayers don't seem to help either. I'm open for suggestions. My Wife and I have had some friction between us as of late. I don't want to lose another marriage. I know this friction started when I found out my daughter had be molested. I have been so angry about that. I don't mind some trials, but maybe I could catch a break. I don't really have many friends, and I have a couple good ones in Church but one is the step father of the guy that molested my daughter, one is my home teacher, and the other is in the Bishopric, but he is always busy, because of his calling. So my life is hectic and confusing right now and I feel lost. Any comments are appreciated.

Rich

[PapilioMemnon]

Hello Brother,... not sure if I can be of any help... but my suggestions are:

1. Pray & trust the Lord, just trust HIM - Pray until you let out all you have in you to Heavenly Father who can carry all these burdens...

2. Fast - If you can

3. Study, not just read, the scriptures; they will fill you with power and strength to face things, as you liken them to you

4. Go to the conference section: Conferences and go through them, and find topics that relate to your circumstances. Listen with an open ear... and open heart, and let is sink in...

Elder R.G.Scott spoke precisely about Abuse this past G.C., this is for your daughter: To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse

5. Please... for your sake, your wife's, and your kids', keep the commandments; they help you qualify for divine guidance, assistance!!! Don't give the enemy a chance to rejoice... & grab you.

6. Persist diligently... never give up!

Just one more talk: Broken Things to Mend

In our trials, we have a great opportunity to get closer to Heavenly Father, get closer and develop a relationship with Him, lean & rely on Him... Let Him guide, take the control! See these trials as opportunities to bond with the Lord, turn to Him! Through trials we prove ourselves to Him, and we are find out about ourselves. If you don't do things well at first, keep trying, practice makes it perfect! Just persist, but do not give up!

Stand steadfast & immovable and this too shall pass!

You're in my prayers!

Edited June 22, 2008 by PapilioMemnon
Typos, grammar

[rena_goldmoon]

My sister-in-law was severely abused by her husband and is now getting a divorce but whats helping her the most is going to counseling. She found a great LDS counselar. I would talk to my Bishop and ask him if he can recommend anyone. It really is helping her alot. I would recommend that your daughter do the same as well as you. We cannot change others only ourselves but by changing ourselves we are able to look at the world differently and maybe help others out the same hole we fell into.

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

Thanks for the input and suggestions. I really appreciate it.

Rich

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

...also I appreciate the talks to read over and ponder on.

[jjrogers]

There are 3 kinds of trials.

1)the kind that come from sin or bad choices we make

2)those that come from having a physical body. (like your bi-polar)

3) those that God allows to happen for us to grow.

with number three, which you are exsperienceing some of are an opportunity to grow. I think when it comes to your daughter you need to support her in charging him. I think another thing to remember is that when we pay the price for other people's sins we actually recieve an understanding of the atonement and the price that Christ paid for our own sins.

I second the person that suggested councling.

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Having experienced personally some of the same trials you're referring to (family with bipolar, sexual abuse etc), my number one suggestion is to first and foremost throw that @#$% who molested your daughter in jail. Not to sound too emotional about it, but he needs to accept and suffer the consequences of his actions. But more importantly, I don't think you or your family will have peace until that issue has been brought to some form of closure. I can tell that you are worried about him, that you are worried about your daughter, that you are worried about your family as a whole - and all this worry is going to cause problems as long as you aren't doing something about it. And as a father, it's even worse because you feel that it's your responsibility to do something about it.

Another choice would be to move. If you can get yourself and, more importantly, your children away from this situation, it may help. Personally I see that as "running away" but there are times when it's the appropriate course of action, and it's up to you and your family to decide if this is one of those times.

You and your children should probably see about talking to a counselor or therapist, preferablly a "Good mormon therapist" as my institute teacher recomended to me. It is also possible that with counseling your daughter may find it easier to write her statement for prosecuting her abuser, or that your counselor can write a statement after documenting her abuse in your meetings. This too would bring a measure of relief and closure. At the very least your daughter should see a good mormon therapist since she will have scars that go much deeper than anyone else's in this horrible chain of events.

And of course, stay on your meds and make sure your kids stay on theirs (if they're on any). And like everyone else said, stand firm in the Gospel. Don't give up on Christ, and he won't give up on you.

[pam]

I agree with puf. The guy needs to take responsibility for what he did. Just letting it go and sweeping it under the rug and letting him get away with it is doing what to help you or your daughter? If he's done it to those few...how many more has he or will he? File the charges.

[NormalMormon]

You're daughter deserves justice. No matter how painful, you need to remind her that it is VERY important that she help put this sicko in prison. Be sure to remind her that he could do it to other girls, and has, and if she did this, it would save lives and save other girls from the same fate.

I can only imagine that the Lord gives you hardships because not only will you "grow," but you are also one of the precious few that are strong enough to handle these hardships. I can't imagine what it would be like for a nice, rich, doctor/bishop, who lives in a mansion and has few problems other than his 7 perfect blonde children bugging him to take them to Seaworld....ANYWAY - you get my point. Not everyone is strong enough to withstand the things you've gone through.

The idea isn't to try and ignore it, or make your life superficially "better." The point is to act upon all these things, and be a "viking" of sorts.

Look your wife in the eyes and say "I LOVE YOU." Go after this guy who did that to your daughter. Move away and find a new ward. Or stay and find new friends. In any case, be active about what you do. Make choices. Move on with life. But the LAST thing you should do is sit around and wait for God to throw something great into your lap. A little action on your part, and God handles the rest.

[Misshalfway]

It sounds like to me you have a few balls in the air. I think that you can only do what you can do, and then let the rest go. Like with the bi-polar. You manage it....you take your meds, take care of your circumstances, and then you ride the inevitable ride with acceptance and openness. Right? Do what you can do.....let the rest go. Your above post talks about everything you don't have. I think you need to start focusing on what you do!

So, my advice is get really clear about what you have control of and what you are responsible for. Is the burden heavier because you or someone else is not taking responsibility? I am speaking about taking back your power. Any survivor of trauma needs to learn this, especially survivors of abuse. Sounds like both you and your daughter fall into that catagory. Get clear about what is your responsibility as a father and friend and then, what is absolutely not your responsibility. Your daughter needs to do the same. It is her responsibility to do something about her trauma but it is NOT her responsibility that it happened. She also has a responsibility to herself and society and future victims to report the truth of what happened. You have similar responsibility. If this person is exercizing priesthood or being sustained to callings and you have this knowledge, it is on you to say something to proper leadership. It is your responsibility to talk to the authorities and investigate the other four cases of abuse you know about! At that point, the burden of responsibility can then passed to the proper authorities and you can move to some level of peace knowing you did the right thing.

The next thing I would do is take steps to stop this person from harming your family or preventing your family from obtaining the blessings of the gospel. He only has as much power as you give him. So....stop giving it! Go to church. Or attend another ward. Get somewhere and take the sacrament. Get permission to do so. Talk to the bishop or SP. Lay out clearly what you need. I have confidence they will work with you to some temporary or other solution. If the situation is too much, move. Do what you have to do to get your family safe and able to live and worship in peace.

Reporting a crime can be traumatic. Perhaps she is not ready to do so OR perhaps she needs the right kind of support so that she can summon the inner strength to continue. Does she have a therapist? That is something else she can do. In addition to that, she needs to learn how to own her own recovery and healing. Sounds like that kind of attitude could be helpful for you as well. A therapist can help get her ready or perhaps even be present when a statement is made to the police. Perhaps she could even write out a practice statement first. She needs to get angry and allow that inner sense of justice to emerge. Those emotions are powerful and can help carry her to do what she needs to do until the rest of her is healed.

It sounds to me like you could use the Atonement more in your life. Lean on it. Lay your burdens at the alter. Continue to pray and fast for obstacles to be removed. And then embrace your power and agency to walk thru. Or to climb over the rough terrain that perhaps Father won't remove with faith that He will show you where to put your feet.

Remember victimhood is a choice. We all feel pain. Some of us have been wronged and harmed deeply and some of us even repeatedly over time. But, victimhood is always a choice!! There are resources available to help you. Books in stores and libraries....therapists to help you get your thinking into a place of power and control. Trusted priesthood leaders can help you obtain blessings of healing and support from Father in Heaven and His Son! Accessing this help, and making the choices to allow it to work in your lives will bring peace and healing and empowerment.

Once when I was suffering deeply and feeling lost and overwhelmed, Father gave me a wonderful prompting/commandment. I was reading in 3 Nephi where Jesus called Nephi to kneel before him. After he was blessed, he commanded Nephi to stand. There was something so powerful in that last part....the standing! That act of standing firm in my own strength with the Savior by my side! There was a season for kneeling and now was my season for standing. Powerful lesson for me.

Much love and support to you and your family. You can do this. Healing, tender mercies, wisdom, added power, are all there for you thru obedience, faith, and supplication to God our Father thru his Son Jesus! He knows! He loves you all! And He WILL help you if you are true! And courage to the both of you as you stand as advocates, instead of victims, and report this guy and then as you move towards your strength and healing.

Edited June 23, 2008 by Misshalfway

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

Thanks so much for all the input. I can't tell you how much better I feel. I am going to pray over the suggestions and make some decisions and take action. I was so angry and upset when I posted that I was ready to go and beat him until ...well... anyway I'm not going to hurt him. He isn't worth it. On another plus side, his mother found out that there are more girls that he did this to including my daughter (that is actually bad news too). She now knows why we stopped coming around and knows there were 5 girls total. He is getting probation for the 2 nieces, plus he has to register as a sex offender. Probation has ordered him to stay away from my daughter or he will go to jail. His mom is furious as she didn't know about the other 3 girls. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all the posts here. Your input and suggestions made me feel stronger. Prayer helps too! Thanks for the support.

Rich

[pam]

I sincerely wish you luck. I hope that all involved get the help they so need.

[Toady]

I do think you should talk to your Bishop about getting some counselling help from LDS social services for yourself, and your marriage. You've done the hardest part by facing up to what has been going on. The immediate problem with the friend has calmed down, but your wife still needs to know you are willing to do whatever it takes to get things on an even keel again, to be ready for the next time.

[bytor2112]

I find it difficult not to weep when I read this heart wrenching story. I was sexually,mentally and physically abused for three years as a child. I cannot begin to describe the way my life spiraled out of control as a result of the pain and unfortunately the guilt I felt for being a victim. Alcohol, drugs and promiscuity and anger ruled my life for along time. It is very difficult to forgive the offenders, I am not certain if I have forgiven. I like to think I have, but am not really sure. I think these issues are very complex and not something you or your daughter should try to deal with alone. I was in my twenties and only told my father when I was extremely intoxicated. He had no idea and blames himself. He shouldn't. But I let this stuff fester until it sent me down some very dark roads and I was nearly 40 before my life became normal-thanks to the Lord and the Gospel. Stay close to your daughter, don't blame yourself and seek help. Professional help. Bishops and Stake Presidents are awesome, but you and your daughter really need to seek counseling. I think talking about it to a professional can be as healing as confessing to your Bishop. God bless you and your family, you will definitely be in my prayers.

[Hemidakota]

I have been a member for 11 almost 12 years. It sometimes seems like the trials will never end. About a year after I joined the Church I realized that I had bipolar disorder, thus explaining my crazy behavior up until I got on the right meds. I went to my doctor and he said it was the worst form of bipolar, that I was an ultra rapid cycler. Since I was a kid I had ups and downs and was often depressed. Add an abusive mother and well you've got a messed up kid looking for attention. I wanted to go west and work in special effects, but my depression got worse. anyway, So my 1st wife and I took our kids who were struggling to a doctor and discovered they both had early onset bipolar. My son was 3 and my daughter 5, they think my son's was triggered by ptsd because of some medical issues he had that required 3 surgeries. My daughters i'll explain in a bit. So here was my wife trying to deal with a husband trying to get stable and make sense of his life, and dealing with 2 bipolar kids all the time. I was getting better and becoming a better husband trying to live the Gospel, and she left. She took the kids and left me. I couldn't understand why as I was improving. She said she couldn't deal with me going back to the way I was, and she wasn't willing to wait and see. My life at that point spiralled out of control. Once I was divorced I dated after 7 months. I kept dating the wrong type of girl, and worse, I started drinking after not having a drop for 8 years. I finally got my act together, lived the Gospel, and met a returned missionary on LDS Mingle. After talking on the phone every night for 3 months, we decided to meet. I got on a plane a flew to Salt Lake. We hit it off so well that on day three I proposed. 11 months after we were married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple. Soon after I started my own business and went to college to get my degree in business. Life was great. Then later that year (2005) a freind of the family came by my apartment and told me he had been molesting my daughter and 4 other girls since she was about 6 until she was 13 when it stopped. This was just after he had left to go on a mission, but ended up coming back after a week. My relationship with his family fell apart. He refused to fully take responsibility for what he did and said he shouldn't have to go to jail or register as a sex offender. After awhile I just stopped talking to him and avoided him. My daughter just went to file charges against him, but stopped because it was to painful for her to write out her statement. I have tried to forgive him, but deep inside I am angry. There was a point where I thought I had forgiven him, but now I not sure. My daughter and son both stopped coming to Church. According to them they don't want to see him, they say they hate Church. I have a strong testimony, but I have some sleep issues due to anxiety from college. It seems I am oversleeping alot. I sleep through my alarms (3 of them) and miss Church almost every other week. My wife is a nurse so she works everyother Sunday. I am starting to wonder if there is more, like am I avoiding Church subconsiously and just not realizing it?.....well until now. It make me feel a little depressed to miss Church. I haven't been happy with a calling since I was released from the Elders quorum Presidency. I've talked to my Bishop, but for some reason, I walk away wondering if he even cared. I'm feeling lost and not sure what to do. I was reading the Book of Mormon and that helped, but prayers don't seem to help either. I'm open for suggestions. My Wife and I have had some friction between us as of late. I don't want to lose another marriage. I know this friction started when I found out my daughter had be molested. I have been so angry about that. I don't mind some trials, but maybe I could catch a break. I don't really have many friends, and I have a couple good ones in Church but one is the step father of the guy that molested my daughter, one is my home teacher, and the other is in the Bishopric, but he is always busy, because of his calling. So my life is hectic and confusing right now and I feel lost. Any comments are appreciated.

Rich

When we view our own lives, take a moment and look at Joseph Smith from his tender age to his dying breath. Were his trials continuous? Yes!

I have trials that last four to five months. Now, I just depend on the Lord when facing those trials.