Remarrying After the Death of a Spouse

[MorningStar]

This isn't the first time I've known someone to do this, but my friend who died less than 3 months ago after a long battle with cancer, her husband just announced that he is getting remarried. They have three kids in grade school.

I'm kind of in shock here. I mean, if he is truly inspired to do this, I am happy for him, but I'm worried about how his kids will handle this. They have been through Hell. I just sang at the funeral two months ago right after watching his children weep as they sang their mother's favorite Primary songs and I can't help but think that this will be too hard on them. It doesn't help that the people I've known who got married really quickly after being widowed, their second marriages were very short lived and their children completely disturbed by their decision.

What are your experiences with this? Did any of you have parents remarry early after losing your other parent? That's not something I've been through myself.

[breeb]

My Father-in-law remarried after 6 months. It was devistating for his children who ranged from early 20's to 5 years old. My H says it was mainly because he couldnt raise the remaining 5 of 9 children on his own. Unfortunately he picked the wrong woman. Its amazing, as someone just coming into the family, to see the difference in the kids. The youngest is about 22 now. My H was the oldest of the remaining 5. He was 16 at the time. He has struggled with MANY things. I am his 3rd wife. The 1st 2 were not the best choices. I could go into detail but I think some things are better left unsaid. He turned out to be one of the better kids out of the 5. 3 of the older 4 are extremely active in the church. Only 1 of the younger 4 is active and my H is between them. He's starting to lean towards the more active side now. My influence ya know;). The 3 younger inactive sibs were into drugs. One a complete meth addict. Its just amazing to see the difference. Now I blame the person she is for the way they turned out not that they married so soon, but maybe if they waited longer my FIL would have seen what kind of mother she really was. BTW...only 1 of her 4 or 5 kids is active. The others are drug addicts. One even OD'd a couple years ago.

[lilered]

Years ago, it was customary for a widow(er) to wait at least 1 year. However it seems that many donot honor that in these modern days. I suspect that many remarry quickly for a variety of reasons. Some because they are lonely and only trying to fill a void left in their lives. Others because of the loss of security and still others who are looking for someone to assist them in raising the remaining children. Sometimes both have children and it is more of a marriage of convience. Who is to say what is right. While it may not seem like a good decision to many of us, I have never been in that circumstance, and so view it as their decision to make. My mother-in-law spurned anyone who even tried to date her for many years after the loss of her husband. However, after being alone for some 20 years, she now wishes (and often says) she wishes she would have remarried. She gets awful lonely at times all by herself even though she is very active and works in the temple.

Edited September 9, 2008 by lilered

[KrazyKay]

I'm always suspicious of someone who marries within a year of their spouses death. My husband's grandma died a few years ago from lung cancer (she used to smoke a pack a day of cigarettes). Her husband married within 6 months of her death. Everyone suspects that he was dating the girl while his wife was still alive but very sick. Now they are talking divorce

I told my husband that if I die before him, I want him to remarry, but wait at least a year and make sure the girl he marries is one that I would like and approve of.

[Hemidakota]

This isn't the first time I've known someone to do this, but my friend who died less than 3 months ago after a long battle with cancer, her husband just announced that he is getting remarried. They have three kids in grade school.

I'm kind of in shock here. I mean, if he is truly inspired to do this, I am happy for him, but I'm worried about how his kids will handle this. They have been through Hell. I just sang at the funeral two months ago right after watching his children weep as they sang their mother's favorite Primary songs and I can't help but think that this will be too hard on them. It doesn't help that the people I've known who got married really quickly after being widowed, their second marriages were very short lived and their children completely disturbed by their decision.

What are your experiences with this? Did any of you have parents remarry early after losing your other parent? That's not something I've been through myself.

I have to agree. Too short to make this decision but without being in his presence, I do not understand why so soon.

Now, I am wonder was this decision prior to his beloved companions death or something that his wife wanted for him? That remains to be seen.

[Misshalfway]

I agree that this decision seems alarmingly fast. Makes you wonder if he is rebounding or trying to stop the pain or telling himself that this marriage will solve his problems somehow. I think any marriage that happens this fast is hasty. And in this situation, why wouldn't we all be thinking something isn't right?

[BenRaines]

I have known of wives who pick out the next wife for their husband as they are ill. One wife told her husband to marry her best friend, a widower, once she died.

Ben Raines

[Iggy]

I've known two older women in church (in their mid 60's) who married within 6 months of their husbands deaths.

They were sealed to their spouses, and had had long, happy marriages. The men they married were friends of the family whose wives had passed away also.

It has been my belief that when one has had a happy and fulfilled marriage, then loses a spouse, they tend to remarry quite soon after the death of their spouse.

One womans husband passed after a very lengthy battle with Parkinson's and Senility. The other was in an auto accident and died immediately at the scene of the accident.

Neither women had been "fooling around" prior to their spouse passing. The men they married were not members of the church either. Neither expect to join. Also, both men had known the couple & their family for years. Really don't know how that factors in, just giving all the data.

In time you will see how the marriage turns out.

[MorningStar]

Turns out he just met her last week. I really hope this is an inspired decision and not his emotions taking over.

[Truegrits]

There are some people that, just plain and simple, do not want to be alone. I have had friends, of both sexes, that would stay in a bad relationship rather than go it alone.

[mightynancy]

Wow. We both have enough life insurance that the surviving spouse could take a year off work to adjust and to help the kids through. That solves the marrying-for-free-childcare/meal ticket issue.

My husband would be welcome to remarry IMO, but only after the kids find their feet again. For the sake of my daughter's coiffure (that's hairdo for you non-library types), I hope he at least hires a nanny/stylist.

I enjoy my own company...though I'm not sure that married "alone" is the same as widowed "alone".

I hope the marriage in the OP works out for the kids' sake! Egad!

[Maureen]

My friend married 6 months after her husband (my BIL) passed away. About 7 weeks after the funeral, she started the on-line dating/looking. Met someone, chatted online, swapped phone numbers, then 2 weeks later, she heads to Idaho (from central Alberta) to meet him in person. She spends 8 days there, and I'm assuming he proposed in person and she accepted at the same time. So she made the decision to remarry less than 3 months after her husband's funeral. I found out about a month later and was shocked. I've always thought of the year of mourning as a social norm; it's the respectful and wise thing to do. But it appears from the other testimonies in this thread that many who have become widows(ers), do not follow this social norm.

I was extremely upset and disappointed in my friend when she made IMO, this hasty decision and tried everything to understand why she would do this. Over the years I've read about blended families, anticipatory grief/mourning and now I'm reading about dependent personality disorder.

My friend went through anticipatory grief (grief while spouse is still alive, anticipating that death maybe soon); which might make the widow(er) seem to recover from the death, faster than we would expect.

She and her new husband did not follow any of the rules and advice when it came to starting a blended family, they pretty well did the opposite. Not sure if this has had a negative effect on her kids. As far as I know her son (now 18) gets along with mother's husband, but the daughter (now 16) butts heads sometimes.

After reading a bit about dependent personality disorder, I've deduced that my friend may fall into this description.

It's been 3 years since my BIL passed away and in some ways I still haven't forgiven her for disappointing me, and then sometimes I'm fine. I think subconsciously I'm giving her a 5 year test before I'm totally accepting.

That's why I have prisonchaplain's quote in my signature; to remind me about moving on.

M.

[MorningStar]

My husband and I discussed this and I told him for the sake of our kids, I don't want him to start dating until it's been a year. He said he would count down the days. Stinker! I told him if he made the decision to get married before that, I would haunt him for doing that to our children and if he thought he got the impression that I OKed it from beyond, he was wrong, because I would never agree to that. I told him I want him to focus on the kids' emotional needs during that time. I would do the same if I lost him. It would probably take me a lot longer than a year though.

[mightynancy]

My friend was widowed two years ago, and so was a neighbor (unrelated - just coincidental). Both women made some pretty foolish financial decisions in the months following the loss. I know, two people don't make a general pattern, but seeing how grief can cloud one's judgement ought to be a heads-up to anyone. IMO, it's better wait on big decisions until some time has gone by.

[breeb]

I have known of wives who pick out the next wife for their husband as they are ill. One wife told her husband to marry her best friend, a widower, once she died.

Ben Raines

There was a Golden Girls episode about that. Man, I'm only 26 years old and I absolutely love that show.

[Connie]

I personally would have a hard time even wanting to enter a new relationship if my husband ever passed away. I mean, i'm sealed to him for eternity. I would consider myself still married.

[MW76]

It's easy to say what you would or wouldn't do when you still have your spouse. We had a family friend who lost his wife in his late 50's. She had been very sick with relapsed cancer for over a year. They were both school teachers and very active in church. Their kids were grown. He quit his job and took care of her for a year before her passing. He started dating someone just shy of six months after her passing and was remarried just shy of a year. He remarried a church woman. I thought it was too soon at the time. Fast forward almost 20 years and my wife became really sick. She was sick for several years. I was in my early 40's. I quit my full-time job and took care of her until she passed away a year later. I was with her 14 hours a day except two days a month when I did my drill weekend for military reserves. I would've quit that job to be with her every day of the month, but we needed military insurance. She was mentally with it until she took her last breath. Several weeks after my wife passed I started thinking about dating again. I didn't think I'd have those feelings before my wife passed. I loved my wife and we had an awesome marriage. I wish we could've grown old together. But I couldn't bring her back. She is in her perfect Heavenly home praising God!! Long story short, I married a widow who was active in church about a year after my late wife's passing.

[Midwest LDS]

This is a difficult subject because it's one of those few instances where it really depends on the people making the decision. My stepfather started dating my mom 3 months after the wife he is sealed too passed away. Two weeks into his eternal marriage my stepfather and his wife were told she had terminal cancer. They had less than one agonizing year together as she slowly died. She insisted he remarry quickly and since he had spent all of his time caring for her he had been very lonely when he reached out to my mom. She is also a widow, and both of them have helped each other heal. Do some people jump in too a new marriage too quickly after a loved one's death? I'm sure they do, but the correct amount of grieving time is different for each person and it's hard to tell what the right answer is until it happens to you.