In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

An American history professor is trying to explain to his students how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example," he says, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood 5 feet, 1 inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class falls silent for a moment. Then one student pipes up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" the professor asks.

"For one thing," the student points out, "she'd be about 100 years old."

[pam]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mahone]

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol, my family used to own a rest home - basically a home for the elderly, when they get to the point that they are unable to look after themselves. Either their family pay for them to go there, or the government will. Not sure what they would be called in the USA.

I have quite few memories of the place, but a few of the experiences I had stand out more than the others and some of the residents there were legends in my mind.

Possibly the one I found the most funny was on christmas eve one year, we had a lady who was known to be extremely forgetful, and was extremely loud - if she had a problem, everyone knew she had a problem. On this christmas eve, she was complaining about the decorations around the room and asked one of the staff why we had to have them. When she was told it was christmas eve, her response was "no one ****** told me it was christmas!" (the word which has been asterixed out is not considered a taboo word in the UK, but is in the USA)

My dad worked there for a while as well. My dad is quite a large man, and one of the residents always seemed to call him "pig". This wasn't malicious like it sounds, it was just an on going joke between the two of them. When she wanted him for anything, you could heard her calling "piiiiig, piiiiiiig" through the corridor. One day my dad was testing a new buzzer alarm system; if the alarm is activated in one of the rooms, the staff member would be able to speak to the resident through a built in radio (like in a hostpital). When he was testing the alarm in this particular residents room, he spoke over the radio to her to check she could hear him and she responded "I can HEAR a pig, but I can't SEE a pig".

This one wasn't actually one of the residents, but someone came to the door one day asking to be admitted. He was a young man, not quite right - probably under the influence of something. When he was told that this was a rest home, he responded "yes I know, I came here because I need a rest".

Edited February 6, 2010 by Mahone

[nbblood]

Differences Between Men and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

Bathrooms

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

Edited February 8, 2010 by nbblood

[nbblood]

Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."

The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."

The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom.

[pam]

A tourist is driving through a rural area and comes to a fork in the road. He stops and looks for a road sign, but there's nothing to indicate which route goes where. Spotting a boy by the road, he yells, "Hey kid, does it matter which road I take to Smithville?"

The boy replies, "Not to me it don't."

[pam]

A customer goes up to a cash register in a sporting goods store with a package of white athletic socks.

"Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" the customer asks.

The clerk opens the package, and the woman feels the socks and looks at them closely. Finally, she hands the clerk the package.

"I'll take them," she says.

The clerk starts to ring up the sale, but the customer stops him.

"Can I have another pack?" she asks. "This one's been opened."

[pam]

A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice.

"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand that your father would like Venice with its gondolas, Saint Mark's Cathedral, and all the Renaissance art."

"Oh, no,' the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."

[pam]

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!

What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys.

I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!

It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now?

I checked my keys and tried another.

Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

He offered these kind words, "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

[pam]

A few years ago a gentleman who had lost his nose was invited out to a tea party.

"My dear," said the old lady of the house to her little daughter, "I want you to be very particular and make no remarks about Mr. Jenkins' nose.

Gathered around the table, everything was going well; the child peeped about, looking rather puzzled, and at last startled the table:

"Ma, why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. Jenknis' nose? He doesn't have one!"

[pam]

A new bride moves into a small home on her husband's ranch. As she's putting her things away, she stores a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asks her husband never to touch it.

For the length of their marriage, the man leaves the box alone. Then, as his wife is old and dying, he is putting their affairs in order and finds the sacred shoebox again.

Opening it, he finds two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He takes the box to her and asks about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explains. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Her husband is touched that in 50 years she had been mad at him only twice.

"But what's the $82,500 for?" he asks.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

[pam]

A woman answers her front door and sees a little boy holding a list.

"Lady," he explains, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and two used coffee filters to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replies. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

[talisyn]

A customer goes up to a cash register in a sporting goods store with a package of white athletic socks.

"Will you open this up so I can see how the socks feel?" the customer asks.

The clerk opens the package, and the woman feels the socks and looks at them closely. Finally, she hands the clerk the package.

"I'll take them," she says.

The clerk starts to ring up the sale, but the customer stops him.

"Can I have another pack?" she asks. "This one's been opened."

I'm having a flashback to my Wal-Mart days. More times than I have fingers and toes I'd see someone in the air freshener aisle pop open a can of scent, waft it through the air, and then put a different spray can of the very same scent into their cart. Insane!

[Blackmarch]

"How did the moron fall on the floor?

He tripped over the cordless phone. "

Maybe its not just morons...

[pam]

A golfer's drive lands on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decides to play it where it lies. He gives a mighty swing. A cloud of dirt and sand and ants explodes from the end of his club, but the golf ball remains in the same spot.

So he lines up and tries another shot. A cloud of dirt and sand and ants goes flying again. The golf ball doesn't even wiggle.

Two ants survive. One dazed ant says to the other, "Whoa. What are we going to do?"

Says the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

[pam]

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and ahhed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

[pam]

Two friends meet on the street after having not seen each other for some time. One of them is using crutches.

"What's the matter with you?" asks his friend.

"Bus accident," says the man on crutches.

"When did that happen?"

"About six weeks ago."

And you still have to use crutches?" the friend asks.

"Well," says the man, "my doctor says I could get along without them, but my lawyer says I can't."

[Just_A_Guy]

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you.", he said. "I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

[pam]

A passenger in a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, runs up on a sidewalk and stops just inches from a shop window. For a second, everything is quiet in the cab.

Then the driver says, "Look buddy, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a little tap would scare the driver so much.

"Well," the driver replies, "I guess it's not really your fault. You see, today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[nbblood]

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes, "Whack"...."Oh, Crap!". A bad skydiver goes, "Oh, Crap!"......"Whack!"

[nbblood]

Area 51

You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[pam]

One snowy winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up 45 minutes late for work.

"It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

[pam]

A minister opening his mail one morning takes a sheet of paper from an envelope and finds written on it only one word: "FOOL."

The next Sunday he announces, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name but forgot to write a letter."

[havejoy]

Back in the Cold War, a KGB agent was given instructions to contact a sleeper agent in Ireland. He was told to go to a remote village in Ireland and find a man named McGinty. He was to use the code phrase " The sparrow flies towards the sun" to identify himself.

So the agent gets on a plane, lands in Ireland and gets to the villiage. Not knowing where to find McGinty, he enters a nearby pub. "I'm looking for a man named McGinty" he said to the barman. "Sure now, is it McGinty the postman you are wantin, or McGinty the grocer?" the barman replies " or could it be McGinty the lorry driver? Sure even meself is named McGinty".

"Hmm" thought the KGB man, I'll see if the barman is the man I'll looking for, so he said to the barman "The sparrow flies towards the sun". "Ah!!" said the barman, "It's McGinty the SPY your wantin!"

[pam]

A judge is at lunch one hot summer day and orders coffee with his meal. His companion says, "In this weather, you ought to order iced drinks, Judge -- sharp, iced drinks. Have you ever tried a gin and tonic?"

"No," says the judge. "But I have tried several men who have."