In need of some clean humor!

[nbblood]

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the cortege consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman.

His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief", said Hank, politely. " but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner. Tightening the leash, he guestered down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible, " commiserated Hank, " but hmmm....is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "get in line!"

[nbblood]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

[pam]

During a drive in the country one weekend, a couple stops at a small wayside stand and buys some tomatoes. The husband comments that the tomatoes seem a little small to him.

The farmer says only, "Yup."

The next Saturday, the couple stop at the farmer's stand again to see what he's offering, and the wife tells him those tomatoes he had sold them were tough and not very flavorful.

The old gentleman nods and looks at them a moment. "Lucky they was small, ain't it?"

[pam]

"I don't know," the world-famous novelist said to his editor. "I just don't think my newer books are as good as my earlier works."

"Ridiculous" the understanding editor replied, "your writing is the same as it ever was. It's your taste that's improved."

[Still_Small_Voice]

Respite

-- Joyce Nelson

During his fourth week of basic training, my grandson was able to make a brief phone call to me. He said he was attending church on base every week, which I was pleased to hear.

"Everyone goes to church here," he added. "It's the only place we don't get yelled at."

[pam]

Having a son that just went through basic training that's exactly what he said.

[pam]

A Greek survives a plane crash on a desolate mountain. Hungry and exhausted, he finds shelter in a cave.

A Red Cross search party climbs up the mountain, spots the cave entrance and calls: "Anyone in there?"

"Who's that?", comes the reply.

"Red Cross," says the leader of the search party.

"Thank you," comes the reply, "I've already donated."

[nbblood]

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return."

Someone else chimed in,"Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked.

[nbblood]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

[nbblood]

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting,I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

[pam]

An aging snake goes to see his doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes," he says. "I can't see to slither around very well these days."

The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to come back in two weeks.

When the snake returns, he tells the doctor he's very depressed.

"What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, Doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past two years."

[Moksha]

Amish Christmas Lights

[pam]

A traffic cop is on patrol when he comes upon a line of cars stopped at an intersection. The horns are blasting.

The policeman pulls up next to the first car in the line and asks the blonde at the wheel why she is stopped when the light is green.

"Because I'm on my way to my sister's house, which is that way," she says. She points to the right.

"Well go ahead," the officer says. "The light is green."

"Yes, I know," says the blonde. "But look. The sign under the light says, 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'"

[nbblood]

I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.’

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little rugrat

[nbblood]

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[skippy740]

In response to the "light bulb" post, I feel that this would be an opportune time to post a link to a time-honored, internet forum favorite introductory training & orientation video:

[pam]

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Love this one.

[pam]

A woman has been looking for a watchdog for security, and one day she sees an ad in the local newspaper that reads: "Purebred Police Dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, the woman calls and asks to have the dog delivered.

The next day a van pulls up and leaves her the mangiest looking mongrel she has ever seen. In a rage, she telephones the man who placed the ad.

"What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, ma'am," the man replies. "He's in the Secret Service."


D

[Moksha]

One Sunday morning, the Bishop noticed

little Timmy standing in the foyer of the

ward house staring up at a large plaque. It

was covered with names and small American

flags mounted on either side of it. The

six-year old had been staring at the

plaque for some time, so the Bishop walked

up, stood beside the little boy, and said

quietly, 'Good morning Timmy.' 'Morning

Bishop,' he replied, still focused

on the plaque. 'Bishop, what is this? '

The Bishop said, 'Well Timmy, it's a

memorial to all the LDS men and

women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring

at the large plaque. Finally, little

Timmy's voice, barely audible and trembling

with fear asked,

'Which service, Bishop's Warehouse or Home Teaching?'

.

[nbblood]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies." He responded.

"Oh! Are you killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked ..... "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[nbblood]

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[nbblood]

Creation vs Evolution has been settled!

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

[pam]

Wives and husbands often stay together for strange reasons.

Think of the two new brides who start to discuss their home lives one day when they are out shopping.

"It seems like all we do anymore is fight," says one, unhappily. "I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" the other woman asks.

"Oh, not yet," the first one replies. "I'd like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first."

[nbblood]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[nbblood]

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."