In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[pam]

Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

When the detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

[pam]

A customer wants to ask his attractive waitress out for a date, but can't seem to get her attention. When he is able to catch her eye, she quickly looks away. Finally he follows her into the kitchen and blurts out his invitation. To his amazement, she agrees to go out with him.

"Why have you been avoiding me all this time, then?" he asks. "You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," replies the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

[Guest fluffhead]

This one is a classic in my family!

A woman is very afraid about the size of her opening. So she goes to her mother and says, “What am I going to do? I’m so big down there, when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.” Her mother says, “Don’t worry sweetheart. It runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there - he’ll never know the difference.”

So she does, they have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at ten o’clock, he’s gone, but there’s a note on her pillow.

It says: my darling Harriet! To think that I waited a year to consummate our love relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up! The only reason I’m not here now darling is I’m at work to make you enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence - we’ll have dogs and children. When the five o’clock dinner bell rings out, I’ll be home like the winged Gossamer of you love in your arms, your loving husband Harry.

P.S. Your cunt is in the sink!

[nbblood]

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.

Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend

that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than

a politician can shift positions.)

B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.

I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.

You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three

latherings, so don't expect too much.)

F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have

just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about

three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

[nbblood]

fluffhead banned in 5-4-3-2-1........

[omega0401]

A Taking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box,"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet..

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How a bout going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

ARE YOU READY....

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

[JohnOF123]

Hey I just found out what the Latin meaning of the word Agnostic is, hehe.

click - alphaDictionary * Free English On-line Dictionary

Adding this prefix to the Greek cognate of gno- + the adjective suffix -tik-os results in the source of English agnostic, someone who believes that no one can know whether God exists.

[nbblood]

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer. The second man was an Accountant. The third man was a Chemist. The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk........

Did his business on the paper.......

Claimed he injured his back while doing so......

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation..................and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[JohnOF123]

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. God has predestined when the light will be on.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

Change???

How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But they are still in darkness.

How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They always use candles.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

"What's a light bulb?"

[daenvgiell]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

one. But the light bulb really has to want to change.

[pam]

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.

Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."

Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

[pam]

A lady is speeding, and an officer pulls her to the side of the road. As she pulls off onto the shoulder, she realizes she isn't wearing a seat belt. She puts the car in park and quickly slips on the belt as the officer approaches.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer says, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she smiles and replies.

"Well," asks the officer, "do you always wear it looped through your steering wheel?"

[gomspal]

One Friday afternoon the power went out in our building. They turned on the generator, enough to power the lights in the hall, and the PA. Somebod announced over the PA "We are experiencing a power outage because of a broken transformer downtown. We don't know how long it will take for it to be fixed. We will notify you when the power comes back on. Thank you very much."

[pam]

The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone.

After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him.

He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck.

Finally he stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.

"You mean the one following your car?" they asked.

[pam]

A couple is in a Lamaze class, and during one session the husband is given a bag of sand to wear around his middle to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. After cinching it around his waist, he stands up and says, "This doesn't feel so bad."

In response, the instructor drops a pen and asks the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asks.

"Exactly," the instructor says.

The man turns to his wife and says, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

[nbblood]

Names have been removed to protect the stupid!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, sweet feed it on corn for a few weeks, then butcher it and eat it. Yum! Corn-fed venison. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.

Since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not have much fear of me (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck four feet away) it should not be difficult to rope one, toss a bag over its head to calm it down, then hog-tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder and hid behind it with my rope. The cattle, having seen a roping or two before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After 20 minutes, my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked a likely looking one, stepped out, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell she was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step toward it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and received an education. The first thing I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, it is spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that, pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range, I could fight down with some dignity. A deer? No chance.

That thing ran and bucked, it twisted and pulled. There was no controlling that deer, and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer firmly attached to a rope was not such a good idea. The only upside is that they do not have much stamina.

A brief ten minutes later it was tired, and not as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my appetite for corn-fed venison. I hated the thing, and would hazard a guess that the feeling was mutual. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. But if I let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

Despite the gash in my head, and several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's pell-mell flight by bracing my head against large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to suffer a slow death.

I managed to get it lined up between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand, like a squeeze chute. I backed it in there, and I started moving forward to get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do!

I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab hold of that rope, and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like a horse, it does not just bite and let go. A deer bites and shakes its head, like a pit bull. They bite HARD and won't let go. It hurts!

The proper reaction when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and wrenching away. My method was ineffective. It felt like that deer bit and shook me for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing up my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I learned my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up and strike at head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned long ago that when a horse strikes at you with its hooves and you can't get away, the best thing to do is make a loud noise and move aggressively towards the animal. This will cause it to back down a bit, so you can make your escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer. Obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a girl and turned to run.

The reason we have been taught NOT to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer are not so different from horses after all, other than being twice as strong and three times as evil. The second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

When a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately depart. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What it does instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you, while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck, and the deer went away. Now I know why people go deer hunting with a rifle and a scope. It's so they can be somewhat equal to the prey.

[Jenamarie]

Not a joke, but you might get a laugh out of this video of my one year old "sleep eating".

ClipShack - Video Patrick sleep-eating Feb 10

[pam]

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse.

One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked Arnold.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold.

"I've finally got job security!"

[pam]

An extremely shy fellow brings his date a dozen roses. She's so overcome she throws her arms around him and kisses him long and hard.

After the kiss, red-faced, he turns and bolts for the door.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she says. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't," he replies. "I'm going to buy you some more roses"

[pam]

A manager hosts a dinner party for people from his office and he encourages them all to bring their children.

During the sit-down dinner, the manager's three-year-old girl stares at the man sitting across from her. The girl can hardly eat her food from staring. The man checks his tie, feels his face for food, pats his hair in place, but nothing stops her from staring.

He tries his best to just ignore her, but finally, it's too much for him.

"Why are you staring at me?" he asks.

Everyone at the table has noticed her behavior, and they fall silent to hear her response. The little girl says, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

[nbblood]

Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

And I know you have a sense of humor and some teeth.

[pam]

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.

"Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again......

"Yup ... nope ... yup ... nope ... yup ... nope ... yup ..."

[pam]

An octogenarian who is an avid golfer moves to a new town and joins the local country club. The first time he goes to the club to play, however, he's told there isn't anybody he can play with because all the members are already out on the course.

The old fellow repeats several times that he really wants to play. Finally the assistant pro agrees to go out with him. The pro also says he'll give the man a 12 stroke handicap.

"I really don't need a handicap," he says. "I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he does play well, though on the 18th hole, after a long drive, his ball lands in a sand trap. Still, when he shoots from the trap, he hits a very high ball that bounces onto the green and rolls into the hole.

The pro walks over to the sand trap where his opponent is still standing. "Nice shot," he says, "but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replies the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."

[pam]

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.

He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."