My Son

[Mirium]

Can anyone help me to help my son. He's 15. He and I are the only members in our family and he is really struggling. He doesn't want to go to church anymore. He has a testimony he just doesn't like going to church and the more he feels resentful about going I know the more his testimony will die. His only friend at church has gone less active and he sees all the things his other friends and family are going out and doing on a Sunday and that makes him feel even less like going.

Does anyone have any motivational quotes I could give him or maybe how can I explain to him how important and special it is to hold the priesthood?

How else can I help him?

I don't want to lose him at church.

I admit I have been struggling badly with my depression at the moment and find it really hard to motivate myself. I feel like I'm letting him down and don't know what to do.

[BenRaines]

If he has the priesthood, he should by now, then talk with his Aaronic priesthood leaders. I always reminded my son that he was different than other boys that he was in school with because he held the priesthood.

Also great talks online from Priesthood session directed to the young men of the church.

Ben Raines

[pam]

There is a wonderful talk by President Faust directed to the Young Men about the power of the Priesthood and how special it is.

LDS.org - Ensign Article - “By What Power … Have Ye Done This?”

[Hemidakota]

Can anyone help me to help my son. He's 15. He and I are the only members in our family and he is really struggling. He doesn't want to go to church anymore. He has a testimony he just doesn't like going to church and the more he feels resentful about going I know the more his testimony will die. His only friend at church has gone less active and he sees all the things his other friends and family are going out and doing on a Sunday and that makes him feel even less like going.

Does anyone have any motivational quotes I could give him or maybe how can I explain to him how important and special it is to hold the priesthood?

How else can I help him?

I don't want to lose him at church.

I admit I have been struggling badly with my depression at the moment and find it really hard to motivate myself. I feel like I'm letting him down and don't know what to do.

What was the reason why he doesn't want to attend?

[Wingnut]

Do you have good home teachers? Do they visit every month? Having strong male role models associated with the Church can be very beneficial.

[Mirium]

If he has the priesthood, he should by now, then talk with his Aaronic priesthood leaders. I always reminded my son that he was different than other boys that he was in school with because he held the priesthood.

Also great talks online from Priesthood session directed to the young men of the church.

Ben Raines

He does have the priesthood

I have made a request for him to talk to his priesthood leaders. I'm waiting for them to get back to me.

I will read and study the priesthood session and maybe go through it with him.

He did attend priesthood session of conference but he said he didn't really listen or take it in.

Thanks

[Mirium]

There is a wonderful talk by President Faust directed to the Young Men about the power of the Priesthood and how special it is.

LDS.org - Ensign Article - “By What Power … Have Ye Done This?â€

Thankyou Pam I will read that also and share it with him.

[Mirium]

What was the reason why he doesn't want to attend?

Hemi, He initially said it was because he wanted to be out having fun with his family and friends but this morning he says his testimony is wavering.

[Mirium]

Do you have good home teachers? Do they visit every month? Having strong male role models associated with the Church can be very beneficial.

I am very fortunate in the fact that I have very good hometeachers. They have been an incredible support to me but my son doesn't seem to have much of a relationship with them. The ward has tried to fellowship him but he just isn't responding.

This morning he has told me he is not going to come again. I feel devastated. I guess I'm on my own now.

[Truegrits]

Mirium;

My heart goes out to you, and your son. I do not have any ideas/advice different than what has already been given.

I do, however, have a 15 year old son! He is pushing the edge on anything and everything. He invents new ways to manipulate me/situations!

He initially said it was because he wanted to be out having fun with his family and friends

At 15, I can sooo see that being a reason to not want to go to church.

I do not give this as advice for you, and probably many will think I would be wrong in this, BUT I do not give my 15 year old an option. I am responsible for the path he travels at this time, so he will do it my way. At 18, he can choose his own path.

That being said, your 15 year old may be more mature than mine, and capable of such a decision...

my prayers will be with both of you.

[ruthiechan]

What's wrong with spending time with family on Sundays? Why not invite his friends over to your house after church, or other family members after church? Is his father around?

My husband is not a member of the church, but after church if my husband wants us (me, him and our daughter) to go out to dinner together or go see some people we do, because it's part of family togetherness and it keeps contention out of our home.

BUT, first and foremost, PRAY before you do or say anything to him. You need the Spirit with you to help him.

You can tell him that it is YOUR responsibility as a mother and a daughter of God to instruct him and make sure that he is at Church and that you do NOT want God to punish you for failing you in this. But again, pray before you say anything. Ask him how he feels after making his decision not to go to church. Does he feel good about it, or not? I bet you that the choice not to go to church does not make him feel good.

[jschroeder]

Mirium

Outside of what has already been offered have you thought about involving the missionaries? Will go to teaching appointments with them? Will he go visit new members with them? That can be a powerful way for him to keep his testimony and to keep feeling the spirit and then bare his testimony.

We are a very small branch and so are fortunate in that the missionaries we have had here that taken the young men under their wings and do invite them to appointments. I know that has helped a number of our young men decide to actually go on missions and to stay strong in the gospel.

I also took the stand with my oldest daughter that she must attend church while she lived in my home. She did so grudgingly and is inactive now. Because of that I allowed my youngest daughter to make that decision when she was 15. She is also inactive although does still attend once in awhile.

So I'm probably not the best person to be handing out advice on this one but I can certainly understand your concerns and your fear for your son.

My only other thoughts would be to pray for all the help you can get from Heavenly Father, the leaders where you are and then be open to whatever inspiration comes.

Good luck and you and your son will be in my prayers.

[ztodd]

Influence of peers is such an important thing at that age. He needs to have good friends who are strong in the church. I wonder if he has friends right now who are drawing him away and actually telling him bad things about the church.

Keep praying, and keep after those priesthood leaders to get your son involved in their activities- but maybe most of all he needs someone his own age who is a good strong influence in the church.

[MormonMen]

does he got good Young Men Leaders?. i'm 15 years old too.. i would hate if he just stop going. why are you two the only ones who go in your family?

[Mirium]

Thankyou so much for your replies and your prayers you have given some good ideas and plenty of things to think about.

My husband is not a member so as Ruthi says to keep contention out of the house he is allowed to see friends and family and go out on a Sunday, my husband would never allow me to stop him.

He does lack a good strong male influence in the church. None of his friends are members so I'm sure they are leading him in the wrong direction but not intentionally.

My husband would never allow me to insisit he goes to church. So long as my son is happy to go he is ok with it but if I started pushing it could cause problems.

We are the only members because I am a convert.

I will pray about it and pray before I talk to him.

I won't give up on him. I will put my faith and trust in the Lord. Thankyou.

Edited October 13, 2008 by Mirium

[NeuroTypical]

A few thoughts:

* It seems like 15-ish is a very common age to have stuff like this go on. Consider - he's going through the process of becoming a man. And he's discovering that his testimony has been based on stuff he's been taught and stuff he's always just done, not on what he actually believes and knows. He's got to find his own testimony now.

* LOVE HIM! If your love is unconditional, meaning, you will still love him even if he loses his testimony and gives up on church - tell him so. Take a good look in the mirror first - if you will love him less should he abandon church, maybe there's something you need to to about yourself first.

* Rejoice in truth. Even if that truth is difficult to hear. 15 is a rough time - and the times will remain rough for several years. If "mom freaks out" whenever she hears truth like "I'm not sure if I believe in God", then your kid will stop giving you access to future truth. He'll stop confiding in you, listening to you, asking for advice.

* Tactics don't work. You can't make him have a testimony. You can't give him one. All you can do is help him find his own. And guilt/manipulation/pressure/nagging/etc does not help.

I went through what your son seems to be going through. My dad was also a non-member. I eventually found out for myself that the church was true - many years later. I kept all my thoughts a complete and total secret from my mom, because all she ever managed to do was get stressed that I didn't have a rock solid testimony.

Remember - love him!

LM

[RainofGold]

I do not give this as advice for you, and probably many will think I would be wrong in this, BUT I do not give my 15 year old an option. I am responsible for the path he travels at this time, so he will do it my way. At 18, he can choose his own path.

Truegrits, I am happy that this is working for you. I have a hard time making my son go to church on Sundays, and most of the times he goes because I make him go. Tuesday is mutual for young women and young men and I have to push him to go to, is hard work but I'm willing to do it. Seminary is another thing he just wont go and I don't feel like I can force him, because my husband says that school is more important and he doesn't have to go if he is going to be tired the whole day at school. So I choose not to get into it with him.

I just have to say that I have seen that a lot of times pushing and forcing our teenagers to do the right thing can backfire. I see a lot of kids being dropped off for seminary in the morning and my daughter who goes to seminary tells me that some of the girls stay in the bathroom most of the time doing their make-up and getting ready for school. And the boys either sleep in the couch the entire hour or spend it outside doing their homework.

My sister married a returned missionary was sealed in the temple and has five children. She took them all to church, primary, yw and ym, seminary, firesides and served in many callings in church. The oldest left the church when she turned 18 and married a non-member, her 16 year old daughter got pregnant and left the church and is now living with her and her baby at home. Her 19 year old son still lives at home but doesn't go to church and she just found out that his girlfriend is pregnant. Her other daughter just graduated high school and told her mom that she didn't like church anymore and left home and joined the army. But she stills has a son at home who still goes to church because he is only 16 and my sister makes him go.

I know that this is not the case for all families, I'm just giving an example of one. I really don't know what went wrong. There was scripture study, family prayer and FHE at their house. My sister of course feels that all the hard work was for nothing and sometimes she feels like giving up because it didn't make a difference. Her bishop told her that she was responsible for them when they were little to teach them about the gospel and to guide them in the right path. So she is going to be able to say to HF that she did her part, and pray that they someday will comeback to church.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that when our children become teenagers they are not little kids anymore and I feel that to some degree let them make their own decisions and respect them. I am trying to guide my children back to Heavenly Father not force them. My mom never forced us, we always chose to go to church and 25 years later we are all still members of the church, all seven of us.

[SkyWishes]

Hello! I can't really give any advice as such but I have been in your sons place. I was the 15 year old not wanting to go to church seeing all my friends familys going out. I just couldn't understand why my family wanted to go sit in some stuffy church on a day off (actually it wasn't that stuffy but I was really agaisnt it)!! :) What I would say is set an example. Going on at him to go to church and saying, Why don't you go to church? You won't get blessings! Look at (whoever) why can't you be more like him? Are complete no nos I'd say!! When I heard things like that from my parents it would just make me want to go less and less. We are all here to ultimatly make a choice. We all have our free agency thats one of the biggest reasons we are here so you can't make the choices for him! Unfortunatly I made an awful lot of bad choices that took me away from Heavenly Father and in Febuary last year at age 19 I returned to church. I can really relate to you struggling with church and depression. I suffer with depression also and I have recently started college and church on Sunday is some times a bit too much for me so I am not there. There are other ways to set an example too though. Saying family and personal prayers on an evening as well as scripture study. Prayers at mealtimes. Putting money aside for tithing. Giving the occasional comment on gospel subjects and relating sprititual things to real life. Ultimatly reminding your son who he is, a treasured precious son of our Heavenly Fahter with a divine inhertence. Ultimatly each of us are shapers of our own destinys. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to tell him that the choices he makes will greatly influence his destiny and that you love him and, like his Father in heaven want him to achieve his ultimate potential (but without the nagging hay) :) I will pray for your son

[Hemidakota]

Hemi, He initially said it was because he wanted to be out having fun with his family and friends but this morning he says his testimony is wavering.

You need to find out if there is anything 'amiss' in his life. I suspect, there is something that is not being told to you.

[Hemidakota]

A few thoughts:

* It seems like 15-ish is a very common age to have stuff like this go on. Consider - he's going through the process of becoming a man. And he's discovering that his testimony has been based on stuff he's been taught and stuff he's always just done, not on what he actually believes and knows. He's got to find his own testimony now.

* LOVE HIM! If your love is unconditional, meaning, you will still love him even if he loses his testimony and gives up on church - tell him so. Take a good look in the mirror first - if you will love him less should he abandon church, maybe there's something you need to to about yourself first.

* Rejoice in truth. Even if that truth is difficult to hear. 15 is a rough time - and the times will remain rough for several years. If "mom freaks out" whenever she hears truth like "I'm not sure if I believe in God", then your kid will stop giving you access to future truth. He'll stop confiding in you, listening to you, asking for advice.

* Tactics don't work. You can't make him have a testimony. You can't give him one. All you can do is help him find his own. And guilt/manipulation/pressure/nagging/etc does not help.

I went through what your son seems to be going through. My dad was also a non-member. I eventually found out for myself that the church was true - many years later. I kept all my thoughts a complete and total secret from my mom, because all she ever managed to do was get stressed that I didn't have a rock solid testimony.

Remember - love him!

LM

Ditto...

Adding, we also need to look into what may also be causing this situation that has not surface.

[NeuroTypical]

Oh yes. Every parent should know warning signs. Signs of being abused, signs of addiction, signs of mental illness, signs of potential suicide risk - stuff like that. "What is driving this behavior" is quite often a much better question to ask than "How do I make him stop doing that?"

LM

[Truegrits]

True Grits, I am happy that this is working for you. I have a hard time making my son go to church on Sundays, and most of the times he goes because I make him go. Tuesday is mutual for young women and young men and I have to push him to go to, is hard work but I'm willing to do it. Seminary is another thing he just wont go and I don't feel like I can force him, because my husband says that school is more important and he doesn't have to go if he is going to be tired the whole day at school. So I choose not to get into it with him

My son loves Mutual/YM; he enjoys Fireside; he goes out with the Missionaries at least once a week; he does not fuss about going to Seminary, and I KNOW he is in class and participating because my sister is the teacher. After passing the Sacrament, what he does not like, and gets bored from, is sitting through the talks. And yes, some Sundays he would like to sleep in and skip Church. Goodness, me too, some times...but we don't. At 15, he does not get to make that choice.

Goodness, I realize I grew up in a different time, with different expectations...BUT there is NO WAY my sister and I would have EVER even considered asking, much less telling our parents we were no longer going to Church. Have things changed so much, that a 15 year old is no longer considered a child?

Her bishop told her that she was responsible for them when they were little to teach them about the gospel and to guide them in the right path. So she is going to be able to say to HF that she did her part, and pray that they someday will comeback to church.

I agree; I think the sticking point is that I consider 15 as still being a child.

[candyprpl]

does he got good Young Men Leaders?. i'm 15 years old too.. i would hate if he just stop going. why are you two the only ones who go in your family?

While reading all the posts I was most struck by this one.

Sometimes young people are not very open or have a hard time expressing themselves and so....I was wondering if you could get him interested in talking on these forums --- I don't know -- it could help because he would be anonymous (and sometimes that helps us open up) -- and maybe there are strong members (his age) he could talk to in the forums.

Just thinking out loud.

You're both in my prayers.:)

[Mirium]

A few thoughts:

* It seems like 15-ish is a very common age to have stuff like this go on. Consider - he's going through the process of becoming a man. And he's discovering that his testimony has been based on stuff he's been taught and stuff he's always just done, not on what he actually believes and knows. He's got to find his own testimony now.

* LOVE HIM! If your love is unconditional, meaning, you will still love him even if he loses his testimony and gives up on church - tell him so. Take a good look in the mirror first - if you will love him less should he abandon church, maybe there's something you need to to about yourself first.

* Rejoice in truth. Even if that truth is difficult to hear. 15 is a rough time - and the times will remain rough for several years. If "mom freaks out" whenever she hears truth like "I'm not sure if I believe in God", then your kid will stop giving you access to future truth. He'll stop confiding in you, listening to you, asking for advice.

* Tactics don't work. You can't make him have a testimony. You can't give him one. All you can do is help him find his own. And guilt/manipulation/pressure/nagging/etc does not help.

I went through what your son seems to be going through. My dad was also a non-member. I eventually found out for myself that the church was true - many years later. I kept all my thoughts a complete and total secret from my mom, because all she ever managed to do was get stressed that I didn't have a rock solid testimony.

Remember - love him!

LM

Thankyou for sharing your feelings LM. I hear what your saying. My love for him is unconditional. I love him no matter what, in or out of the church. I'm glad I read your comments before I next talk to him.

[Mirium]

Ditto...

Adding, we also need to look into what may also be causing this situation that has not surface.

We had a talk about this and he has agreed to go and have a chat with the Bishop so hopefully that will help.