How important is it to have friends within the church?

[RachelleDrew]

I just kind of thought this would make for a good discussion topic. Since I started posting here, i've seen lots of posts concerning the loneliness of several posters within the church. JHM's post really brought to light how I think a lot of people feel within the church.

Of course this is true of any church, there will always be people who feel alone, don't fit in or are not accepted. However, as someone who has been in many different churches I think it's exceptionally hard on those who are LDS. That may sound strange but our church is kind of known as being a close-knit community who considers members brothers and sisters. I think that makes it even harder when you don't fit in.

On that same note, our church members set themselves apart from non members in that our lifestyles are vastly different from many in the world. So those who don't fit in with other LDS members often don't fit in with those who are non-LDS as well. All these things together can make for a pretty bleak disposition in someone who feels left out or lonely.

I don't fit in myself in our church. I'm different from most people in our ward, especially the women. Once the missionaries who baptized me moved on I became quite alone in my ward with the exception of my husband and son. The men are all very friendly to me, but the women either don't know me or are very vocal about disliking me.

At first it really bothered me, and sometimes it still does. But then I remember that i'm not going to church to make friends, i'm there to take the sacrament and learn. What they think (or don't think) of me is really irrelevant.

On that same hand, it's important to have a system of people to help keep you accountable for your actions, especially a person like myself who is a fairly recent convert with a lot to learn.

How important is it to have friends within the church? Will it somehow affect your life after this world if you weren't close with anyone else who was LDS? Or just make your time on this earth a little more miserable? Does it really matter if you don't have any Mormon friends?

For those of you who are lonely within the church, I totally get it. I'm just curious if we should even care in the first place that we don't have any friends.

Discuss.

[BenRaines]

I don't think that it is necessary to have friends to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. I think it would be nice, but not necessary.

I am a very outgoing person so I have never felt alone at church or as a stranger.

I will give you an example. I am out of town for a couple of weeks and attend church each Sunday. Today I got a call and asked to give a talk at a baptism. Looks like I need to learn to keep my mouth shut in Sunday School and Priesthood. :)

Ben Raines

[Tough Grits]

Wow. Deep subject matter. Your insights and questions are valid and profound.

I have many friends in the Church, but I only ever go shopping (once a year) with one of them. The others are Sunday friends or friends that I exchange very nice e-mails with, comments on Facebook, or posts here on LDS.net. I appreciate and enjoy all of my relationships...but there are still days that I don't feel like I belong.

Just today I was thinking about the things that you posted.

The friends that I have at work are dear to me, but I don't feel like I belong with them either. I am just a loner.

It used to rip me apart inside...until I realized that I often place myself in that role. I am strong, independent, intelligent (upon occasion), vocal and I have a very active and busy life.

The fact is, I really am happy as a clam to be in my own home, with my own little family. My door is always open to others...but I am not good at going over to other people's house or going out with "the girls". In fact, I don't have any "girls".

Maybe that is why LDS.net, Facebook, and e-mail is so vital to me. It provides me the interaction that I crave, but allows me to remain at home where I would absolutely rather be.

I just try to make the best of all my worlds...work, college, church...but the place that I truly am the happiest is at home. Which is why I am so thankful for the sisters and brothers (regardless of religious beliefs...or lack thereof ) here on this site...because I can have wonderful, sincere, and meaningful relationships but still be at home with my most precious loved ones.

~TG

[austro-libertarian]

. . . i'm there to take the sacrament and learn.

Without commenting on the friends bit . . . I want to say that is one of the best things I've read in a while! Never forget it!

[teddyk]

Yes its good^so after your filled with grace,knowledge, what about a hug?

[pam]

Tough Grits you and I appear to be very close in our lives and our friendships.

I also don't have the "girls" to hang out with. I hang out with my teenagers mainly. I love just being at home and yes I too use lds.net as a social network.

Edit: I too am a loner..I might regret that once my kids are gone but until then.........

[Wingnut]

What a great new topic!

I agree with Ben that it's not necessary to have friends to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, however, I think it is important to have friends, and I think some of them need to be LDS.

Personally, I find it easier to just have my friends be LDS. They understand the lingo and the culture. Even outside of Utah, there is still an LDS culture, even if I don't want to admit it. :) However, having all LDS friends limits one's opportunities for missionary work, and there are just plain a lot of good non-LDS people out there.

I did a search on LDS.org for social church. Having gone through 13 pages, most of the hits are about social issues, social work/social programs, and social activities for youth and young adults. I was looking for something a little more widely applicable. I found a few things.

Welfare Duties of the Relief Society

Welfare Duties of the Relief Society

“Under the direction of the bishop, Relief Society sisters help resolve temporary and long- term needs, including those related to education [including literacy], health, employment, home storage, resource management, and social, emotional, and spiritual strength” (Church Handbook of Instructions, Book 2, 194).

Reaching Out to Belong (earlier this year in the Ensign)

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Reaching Out to Belong

We all want to feel like a valued member of a loving ward family. While we don’t go to church solely for its social aspects, attendance is much easier when we feel comfortable, accepted, and surrounded by friends. Unfortunately, there may be circumstances—such as being new in a ward, belonging to a ward with frequent turnover, or living in a ward that doesn’t seem very social or welcoming—when we feel we don’t belong.

Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “We all belong to a community of Saints, we all need each other, and we are all working toward the same goal. Any one of us could isolate ourselves from this ward family on the basis of our differences. But we must not shut ourselves out or isolate ourselves from opportunities because of the differences we perceive in ourselves. Instead, let us share our gifts and talents with others, bringing brightness of hope and joy to them, and in so doing lift our own spirits.” (quote is from the following article)

Belonging to a Ward Family

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Belonging to a Ward Family

We must be careful not to place a label on ourselves that implies a condition or category that would make us different and possibly set us apart or exclude us from the main body of the Church. For example, we sometimes hear single people describing the ward where they live as a “traditional family ward,” meaning a ward made up mostly of married men and women with children, as opposed to a singles ward. Wouldn’t it be better if we all viewed ourselves as belonging to a “traditional ward family,” a ward family made up of adults, youth, and children—individual brothers and sisters—caring for and strengthening one another? God’s love is infinite and is not restricted by conditions or categories.

We all belong to a community of Saints, we all need each other, and we are all working toward the same goal. Any one of us could isolate ourselves from this ward family on the basis of our differences. But we must not shut ourselves out or isolate ourselves from opportunities because of the differences we perceive in ourselves. Instead, let us share our gifts and talents with others, bringing brightness of hope and joy to them, and in so doing lift our own spirits.

There was one hit I found that I thought was interesting. It's from the marriage and family relations handbook, the section on developing unity in marriage.

Developing Unity in Marriage

LDS.org - Optional Courses Chapter Detail - Developing Unity in Marriage

D&C 42:22

22 Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.

President Spencer W. Kimball, the 12th President of the Church, taught: “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse” (Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 143).

I don't think this means that spouses shouldn't have any friends outside of each other...that's just plain not healthy, not to mention boring! But it means that they should be each others' priority, not friends or any other life demand.

[Guest ceeboo]

Rachelle,

Your post has made Ceeboo very sad ( thanks for that :))

As you are probably looking for LDS discussion and or advice ( I am not LDS ) I will simply offer you a few words.:)

Our Lord has given us ALL ( broken people who chose to follow Christ ) this precious gift of life on this Earth. I sincerly believe with all my heart that his will is that we ALL come together in friendship with him as our cement.

There is NOTHING that could be more Christian then to love, help, support, offer friendship to, accept friendship from, laugh with, spend time with, worship with, AND PRAY FOR EACHOTHER.

Short version as I again realize I am not LDS and certainly do not want to step on your or any other LDS members toes :)

God bless you,

Your new friend in Christ,:)

Ceeboo

[Wingnut]

Rachelle,

Your post has made Ceeboo very sad ( thanks for that :))

As you are probably looking for LDS discussion and or advice ( I am not LDS ) I will simply offer you a few words.:)

Our Lord has given us ALL ( broken people who chose to follow Christ ) this precious gift of life on this Earth. I sincerly believe with all my heart that his will is that we ALL come together in friendship with him as our cement.

There is NOTHING that could be more Christian then to love, help, support, offer friendship to, accept friendship from, laugh with, spend time with, worship with, AND PRAY FOR EACHOTHER.

Short version as I again realize I am not LDS and certainly do not want to step on your or any other LDS members toes :)

God bless you,

Your new friend in Christ,:)

Ceeboo

Great message you share with us, Ceeboo. You can still give us a similar perspective, though. Within your own faith, and/or your own congregation, how important is it that you have friends there?

[teddyk]

Rachelle,

Your post has made Ceeboo very sad ( thanks for that :))

As you are probably looking for LDS discussion and or advice ( I am not LDS ) I will simply offer you a few words.:)

Our Lord has given us ALL ( broken people who chose to follow Christ ) this precious gift of life on this Earth. I sincerly believe with all my heart that his will is that we ALL come together in friendship with him as our cement.

There is NOTHING that could be more Christian then to love, help, support, offer friendship to, accept friendship from, laugh with, spend time with, worship with, AND PRAY FOR EACHOTHER.

Short version as I again realize I am not LDS and certainly do not want to step on your or any other LDS members toes :)

God bless you,

Your new friend in Christ,:)

Ceeboo

Yup, a celebration of life, hugs for all. All that doing an no one to travel the path with? I say pals forever.

[Tough Grits]

Rachelle,

Your post has made Ceeboo very sad ( thanks for that :))

As you are probably looking for LDS discussion and or advice ( I am not LDS ) I will simply offer you a few words.:)

Our Lord has given us ALL ( broken people who chose to follow Christ ) this precious gift of life on this Earth. I sincerely believe with all my heart that his will is that we ALL come together in friendship with him as our cement.

There is NOTHING that could be more Christian then to love, help, support, offer friendship to, accept friendship from, laugh with, spend time with, worship with, AND PRAY FOR EACHOTHER.

Short version as I again realize I am not LDS and certainly do not want to step on your or any other LDS members toes :)

God bless you,

Your new friend in Christ,:)

Ceeboo

Ceeboo, you may not be LDS, but you are still a brother...as we are all God's children, and you are certainly not stepping on toes for offering friendship and love!

I have noticed that the women respond to this issue much different than the men. I believe it has to do with our most fundamental differences. Women are the nurturing ones, and we just seem to think, relate, and emote very differently than men.

I am not saying that men cannot relate on some level, but women really do "compute" the matter of friendship and belonging quite differently.

To a man this may seem as simple as 2 + 2...

...but to a woman it is more like 2(3+4) -4(5*100) +1/2

I am not sure there is a way to completely allow our brothers on this site to completely understand what we are trying to say, or why it even matters in the first place. This is not a put-down or insult. It is just a basic truth, in my opinion.

Still, the conversation will be interesting to see from both perspectives.

[RachelleDrew]

I don't think that it is necessary to have friends to make it to the Celestial Kingdom. I think it would be nice, but not necessary.

I am a very outgoing person so I have never felt alone at church or as a stranger.

I will give you an example. I am out of town for a couple of weeks and attend church each Sunday. Today I got a call and asked to give a talk at a baptism. Looks like I need to learn to keep my mouth shut in Sunday School and Priesthood. :)

Ben Raines

Lol, perhaps you should?

Me being soft-spoken is never the issue. I'm quite bubbly actually, but I think that may be part of the problem. It's easier for the women there to see how different I am from them because I make it all too obvious by talking.

Part of it is because very early on I bonded with most of the men there which has always gotten me in trouble. I have no interest in sewing or cooking, i'd rather play a video game or go to a concert which scores me lots of male friends. But at the same time, i'm quite feminine which excludes me from being a platonic friend, or just "one of the guys" and often leads to problems of another sort.

As a married woman, I don't like that to happen so i've resorted to avoiding my male friends at church altogether. Which leaves me with the chicks, who don't like me. You see the problem. :D

I think the stuff that Wingnut posted is very insightful. And ceebs, you dont' have to be LDS to discuss this in length. You can step on my toes all you like!

[Guest ceeboo]

yup, a celebration of life, hugs for all. All that doing an no one to travel the path with? I say pals forever.

amen!!!!!!!

[Wingnut]

I have noticed that the women respond to this issue much different than the men. I believe it has to do with our most fundamental differences. Women are the nurturing ones, and we just seem to think, relate, and emote very differently than men.

I am not saying that men cannot relate on some level, but women really do "compute" the matter of friendship and belonging quite differently.

...

I am not sure there is a way to completely allow our brothers on this site to completely understand what we are trying to say, or why it even matters in the first place. This is not a put-down or insult. It is just a basic truth, in my opinion.

My dad once told me "In the real world, there's no time for friends." I just couldn't believe him. How could there not be time for friends?????? I've talked with him about it since, and we've discussed the men vs. women point of view on this issue.

[bytor2112]

Other than work associates and clients, all of my friends are LDS. I play golf every week with my Bishop, and a couple of other members. We have "mormon" parties at our house and our family is a very popular ward family. A while back, a guy that I used to talk to alot.....I was his home teacher for a while made the comment that I was part of the click. He was joking, but right at the same time. There are various little clicks throughout the ward and I know there are people who feel left out. I have since made it my goal to stop and have a conversation with people I don't know well...loners and otherwise, rather than the polite smile and "how ya doing?" typical greeting. Wow, what a blessing. I will try to never overlook or take for granted anyone ever again. Our choir director asked me to sing in the Christmas program. She is one of the oddest birds I had ever met. Now, I see her as one of the most spiritual, devoted members of the church I have ever met. If every member was as dedicated to there calling as she is....wow, talk about zion.

[Truegrits]

I am a very friendly, out-going person. I will smile and talk to everyone/anyone. (Even strangers in front of or behind me in a line).

Yet, in the four and a half years I have been in this Ward, in this town, I do not have one "friend."

One of the reasons is, in a small town, families tend to be a close-knit unit that pretty much does things only with each other. That is especially true of the Church members. Most of them live right next to each other. They go to and from Church together. They sit together. They shop together. They really do not let anyone "in".

I do, often, feel alone and stranded. And I do think friends are important. I just don't know where to find one here, I guess.

But, fortunately, I do have my daughter here; grandchildren that I adore; and a large extended family that keeps me from going bonkers...

This has been a tough year for me. My mother died in March, and my father died Dec. 5th. This site has meant so much to me. It has been a haven to retreat to. I have made friends here. I have been entertained. I have laughed, (a lot!). I have learned, so much, from all of you.

Thank you...

[teddyk]

Truegrits that is proof positive of the value of friends, it could also be a climate thing, stay indoors for AC winter indoors for heat..I dunno, wish I could hack thru the screen, an hug you an your whole lovely family. cheers!

[Guest ceeboo]

And ceebs, you dont' have to be LDS to discuss this in length. You can step on my toes all you like!

Ceebs ???? HMMMM, I kinda like it, thanks:) ( Ceebs the Ceeboo )

On a much more serious note, when I say I did not want to step on your or any other LDS members toes, I was speaking of " does it matter wich Kingdom etc ". I feel VERY comfy sharing my thoughts on Christ and what I believe we Christians should be exampling to eachother as well as the entire world.

Due to my enormous respect for and admiration of the Christian light that so many LDS members here have displayed, I was attempting ( looks like I may have failed :)) to steer clear of some of the things in your OP. But still wanted to share a little with you because I feel your OP is a HUGE, SAD, and way to common thing that ALL OF US CHRISTIANS see. No excuse for it IMHO. ( If we are are gonna walk with Christ, Lets start walking )

Peace,

Ceebs the Ceeboo:)

[Guest ceeboo]

I am a very friendly, out-going person. I will smile and talk to everyone/anyone. (Even strangers in front of or behind me in a line).

Yet, in the four and a half years I have been in this Ward, in this town, I do not have one "friend."

One of the reasons is, in a small town, families tend to be a close-knit unit that pretty much does things only with each other. That is especially true of the Church members. Most of them live right next to each other. They go to and from Church together. They sit together. They shop together. They really do not let anyone "in".

I do, often, feel alone and stranded. And I do think friends are important. I just don't know where to find one here, I guess.

But, fortunately, I do have my daughter here; grandchildren that I adore; and a large extended family that keeps me from going bonkers...

This has been a tough year for me. My mother died in March, and my father died Dec. 5th. This site has meant so much to me. It has been a haven to retreat to. I have made friends here. I have been entertained. I have laughed, (a lot!). I have learned, so much, from all of you.

Thank you...

God bless you Truegrits

[bmy-]

Friends in general are far more important. My dad used to tell me that.. if I had one good friend I could count on I was doing pretty darn good in life.

If that friend just happens to be a member of the Church.. that's just icing on the cake. Give it (more) time.. if you're as nice and sincere like you seem in your posts people will flock to be your friend.

[Hemidakota]

I just kind of thought this would make for a good discussion topic. Since I started posting here, i've seen lots of posts concerning the loneliness of several posters within the church. JHM's post really brought to light how I think a lot of people feel within the church.

Of course this is true of any church, there will always be people who feel alone, don't fit in or are not accepted. However, as someone who has been in many different churches I think it's exceptionally hard on those who are LDS. That may sound strange but our church is kind of known as being a close-knit community who considers members brothers and sisters. I think that makes it even harder when you don't fit in.

On that same note, our church members set themselves apart from non members in that our lifestyles are vastly different from many in the world. So those who don't fit in with other LDS members often don't fit in with those who are non-LDS as well. All these things together can make for a pretty bleak disposition in someone who feels left out or lonely.

I don't fit in myself in our church. I'm different from most people in our ward, especially the women. Once the missionaries who baptized me moved on I became quite alone in my ward with the exception of my husband and son. The men are all very friendly to me, but the women either don't know me or are very vocal about disliking me.

At first it really bothered me, and sometimes it still does. But then I remember that i'm not going to church to make friends, i'm there to take the sacrament and learn. What they think (or don't think) of me is really irrelevant.

On that same hand, it's important to have a system of people to help keep you accountable for your actions, especially a person like myself who is a fairly recent convert with a lot to learn.

How important is it to have friends within the church? Will it somehow affect your life after this world if you weren't close with anyone else who was LDS? Or just make your time on this earth a little more miserable? Does it really matter if you don't have any Mormon friends?

For those of you who are lonely within the church, I totally get it. I'm just curious if we should even care in the first place that we don't have any friends.

Discuss.

Your first true friend should be the Savior and then your companion. Next is your closest relatives and children. The rest? It really doesn't matter unless you have the time to give.

[Guest ceeboo]

The rest? It really doesn't matter unless you have the time to give.

:confused::confused::confused:

[Truegrits]

Your first true friend should be the Savior and then your companion. Next is your closest relatives and children. The rest? It really doesn't matter unless you have the time to give.

Hemi, I do think friends, or at least one good friend, does matter. My husband is very important in my life, yet he does not fill the need most women have, to be close to another woman, who can appreciate and understand things that women feel/know intuitively.

I do believe that women are more emotional creatures than men...they need the bond of others that are the same. It takes nothing away from my relationship with my husband, that I have a best friend to talk with and do things with. Goodness, he does NOT want to do some (most) of the things we enjoy!

I make time for my friends...and it is well worth it. It makes me a happier person...which benefits him, also! :)

[NeuroTypical]

I think friends are important. I think good friends, friends who uplift, moral friends, are the type of friends we should seek and keep. To the extent that you can find such friends in the church, I'm all for it. But you can't assume someone would make a good friend just because they go to church.

My wife tells me all sorts of awful experiences she had growing up with hideously judgemental people, backbiting gossipers, etc. My buddy ruefully relates the story about how he lost his virginity at a YM/YW combined mutual activity, and how the experience caused him years of pain and regret.

Good friends are where you find them. If they're in the church, then hooray everybody.

LM

[Elgama]

I think its important to reach out to people at church - I am odd and loud its a fact I always have been, I always had trouble fitting in but then I reread an old Enid Blyton story about if you wanted to make friends you needed to be a friend, and its right its important we do this because if we don't people are left out... and more people feel odd and like they don't fit in and the cycle goes on.

Remembering birthday's, baking cookies (I know its a bit girly lol), asking the Sister that sews or knits or fixes cars to help teach you the skill you don't have, I am learning sewing, cooking etc from the Sisters around me and have surprised myself at being quite good at both. Knitting is still a mystery lol

I have made good friends but it takes an effort on our part, our Stake President did a talk on this few weeks back because one of our branches nearby has closed and we have half their members, he is the worlds most confident man (its his career to inspire this in others) he told about when he first moved to Scotland and his first diastorous visit to a ward here and he nearly didn't send for his family, however he went back the next week, because he remembered why he had his testimony and started to make friends. It does work going to YSA conventions by myself taught me a lot if you take friends you tend to stay in that group when you are alone you meet people or you have a miserable time (my first one).

I did not start out as a YSA as confident but I learned to be, and have seen the amazing way my Stake Presidents talks of love and making friends have reduced seriously the backbiting and gossip (he has only had to close 3 branches because of lack of priesthood whereas intially 7 were in danger because of nastiness) -

So to answer your question in order for the church to function and people to beretaind we need friends from our unit. I have no issue being friends with men out of our branch I have a lot in common with our branch president

-Charley

Edited December 18, 2008 by Elgama