Finally Married, but question re Niece

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I have been absence for some time from this board - and I hope that this is the place where I could post this question here.

Yes, I am recently married to the lady I have been seeing/living with for the past two years. Our Bishop performed the ceremony (and it was a very small ceremony).

But....

My question is regarding her younger niece. She just turned 3 years of age and we have been caring for her and her older brother who will be 4 in a couple days.

Every morning, she would come into our room and wake me up. There were a handful of mornings where my wife will be up and working on the computer and Angela, the niece, would come into the bedroom and wake me up asking for oatmeal or cereal. While I do not mind doing it during the week because my wife is usually up and getting ready for work herself, this happens on the weekends.

Why is it? Why does she come to me when my wife is up and she could go to my wife? I am not complaining, don't get me wrong. But it is starting to concern me some because my father-in-law made the comment that I am the one who is always taking care of her, getting the kids up and ready for school, getting them from daycare, getting them dinner made, getting them their bath and into the shower. While I understand that because I am out of work at the moment, there are needs with our apartment and these kids that taking much of my time. Yet, it is seven days a week where I am up no earlier than 5 and no later than 7.

My wife became upset at this comment because (as she related to me) she felt that I am making it out that I am doing more than she is doing and she is working full time, doing her party lite business and is the PTSA president. I understand she is busy, and we are starting to work on becoming a solidified family unit here and start making our home a gospel centered home.

So, my question - why does Angela come to me every morning even when my wife is up and has been up for some time and could get Angela her breakfast. Any suggestions? Comments?

Edited February 16, 2009 by SeattleTruthSeeker

[miztrniceguy]

Ask your wife if she would mind closing your bedroom door on the mornings she is up before you. Offer her the same courtesy. Teach the children not to go in if the door is closed and an adult is up.

[Gwen]

lol (i'm laughing with you i promise)

i think this is a common issue for the parent that does the main child care. i know it drives me crazy when i go to the bathroom and i've got kids knocking on the door (i can't have 3 min?) asking me to get them a drink when i know daddy is standing in the kitchen. something isn't adding up there. lol i just ask if daddy is in the kitchen (i already know the answer is yes) and then ask if it would make more since to ask him. they usually laugh and go ask daddy. i figure eventually they will get the idea and ask the one who is standing there.

guess i'm not much help with a solution but you aren't alone if that helps any.

[Maureen]

I agree with Gwen. If you have been the main caregiver, it's just natural that the kids will ask you first for anything they need. You just need to make adjustments with your wife about how to take care of the kids together.

M.

[john doe]

Be careful that you don't take it out on the kids. They're just hungry and the best way they know how to be fed is to go to the most reliable source. Yep, you're mister reliable. I've said it before, marriage is not a 50-50 deal, it's a 100-100 deal. It's not always easy, but it's definitely worth it.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Thank you everyone. My wife and I discussed this (for I had admitted to her I posted this question here) and after a few chuckles, she stated that it would not matter if the door is shut, they will open it and come in and wake me up.

I don't mind doing it, I just would like a day where I can sleep in.. miss those days lol. But, having them here the past 6 months have definitely been a blessing for the both of us.

Thank you all for replying.

[Iggy]

Ask her why she wakes you up to get her breakfast?

When I was little, on Friday nights, I used to force myself to stay awake until Mom finally fell asleep at the kitchen table. Then I would go downstairs and sleep on the couch or in Dad's recliner.

Dad worked nights, and Mom wouldn't go to bed until after he came home and all of us were off to school, or on Sat & Suns, Grandma would take over caring for us all.

The reason I did this is if we got up when Dad got home and asked him to cook breakfast, he would fix Buckwheat Pancakes and eggs. We LOVED his buckwheat pancakes. Actually I would have eaten mud pie pancakes if Dad cooked them.

He told stories as he cooked and when he washed dishes with us helping. I loved to listen to him. I absolutely loved his voice and the expressions on his face.

He was a good cook too - Mom would make marshmallow syrup to go with his pancakes.

So maybe she loves your food- or loves listening to you talk- or just plain loves you.

Ask her.

[Hemidakota]

I have been absence for some time from this board - and I hope that this is the place where I could post this question here.

Yes, I am recently married to the lady I have been seeing/living with for the past two years. Our Bishop performed the ceremony (and it was a very small ceremony).

But....

My question is regarding her younger niece. She just turned 3 years of age and we have been caring for her and her older brother who will be 4 in a couple days.

Every morning, she would come into our room and wake me up. There were a handful of mornings where my wife will be up and working on the computer and Angela, the niece, would come into the bedroom and wake me up asking for oatmeal or cereal. While I do not mind doing it during the week because my wife is usually up and getting ready for work herself, this happens on the weekends.

Why is it? Why does she come to me when my wife is up and she could go to my wife? I am not complaining, don't get me wrong. But it is starting to concern me some because my father-in-law made the comment that I am the one who is always taking care of her, getting the kids up and ready for school, getting them from daycare, getting them dinner made, getting them their bath and into the shower. While I understand that because I am out of work at the moment, there are needs with our apartment and these kids that taking much of my time. Yet, it is seven days a week where I am up no earlier than 5 and no later than 7.

My wife became upset at this comment because (as she related to me) she felt that I am making it out that I am doing more than she is doing and she is working full time, doing her party lite business and is the PTSA president. I understand she is busy, and we are starting to work on becoming a solidified family unit here and start making our home a gospel centered home.

So, my question - 1) why does Angela come to me every morning even when my wife is up and has been up for some time and could get Angela her breakfast. 2) How can I get my wife to recognize that while we both have our responsibilities and chores, it seems that she is neglecting her niece and nephew and I am constantly spending time with them, sitting down with them to work on writing techniques, learning ABC's, having some quality play time or quiet time.

Any suggestions? Comments?

It is being a FATHER figure in her life. You will be surprise how they react to a male versus female. I have six daughters and they treat me different than my wife. Even she notes this.

You need to be an example first before making any comments to her. Then later through your examples you can reveal her role as a mother vice the world. Hopefully, she is seeking in becoming a better mother and remolding her own character.

Let me ask you, why did you choose in not being married in the temple?

[Guest Alana]

It doesn't matter what I'm doing, and it doesnt' matter how available my husband is, the kids always ask me to get their drinks and food. I could be in the bathroom, throwing up, and my husband could be in the kitchen with milk in hand and they'll still ask me. I tell them 'go ask dad, he's just as good at getting you stuff as me' and they get this look like it had never occured to them before. Sometimes if they are tired it has to be ME... so anyways, just saying, don't worry that she asks you. She sees you as the provider. Chances are in 6 months that will change, then change again.

As for your wife, we all have different parenting techniques. My husband and I do things differently. At first it irked me he didn't do the things that I deemed so important. It was like, does the tv need to be on? WHy don't you read to them? Well, he could also say why don't I play video games with them? Why don't I wrestle with them? What's wrong with eating in the living room? WHy can't I just have more fun?

Anyways. If it's a time issue, ask her to help out more. If it's a technique issue, figure out if it's something you want to change or NEED to change. If it's a want, let it go. But for the time issue, uhhh, I'm still working on being 'equally yoked' myself, and a lot of that has to do with myself stressing myself out about what I have to do.

Best of luck.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

It is being a FATHER figure in her life. You will be surprise how they react to a male versus female. I have six daughters and they treat me different than my wife. Even she notes this.

You need to be an example first before making any comments to her. Then later through your examples you can reveal her role as a mother vice the world. Hopefully, she is seeking in becoming a better mother and remolding her own character.

Let me ask you, why did you choose in not being married in the temple?

Understandable so. Both, my wife and I, agree that having her niece and nephew here with us has given me much missed opportunities in being a Father for the first time and I have three children of my own (my two youngest I have no idea where they are. Every time I made attempts to locate and contact them to establish visitation, they disappear and I spend more time and resources to locate them again and the courts have been no help unless I spend the money that I never have and we never have to take them to court and secure enforcement for my visits. This is still being worked out).

As for why we had chosen not to marry in the temple. 1) she is still sealed to her ex husband. 2) we both lived together for the majority of our relationship (and the Bishop and stake president are well aware of our situation). Originally we had planned on marrying this coming August, but our Bishop had challenged us to seriously consider marrying sooner so that we both could return back into full fellowship. We both have to go through our own disciplinary council. My wife actually has already set a date for us to be married in the temple next year.

[Hemidakota]

Thanks but I do miss your absent in posting...

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Thanks but I do miss your absent in posting...

I actually am busy with my four blogs, our family blog and now in the process of putting together my first Magazine/Journal Publication. And, on top of that, seeking employment, juggling with family duties and all that wonderful life stuff. lol.... but thank you, will try and post more often here.

[Elgama]

Speaking from experience I think only way you will get a lie- in is getting your wife to take them out for breakfast depending on the weather it could be a picnic. It has taken me over a year to get my husband to understand that whilst he can, I cannot sleep with children bouncing on the bed, talking to me, dog running over me and cat miaowing, no matter how many times I say go and ask Daddy, they still come to me first. It didn't used to be like that when he was working at home there was a time Ellie went to Daddy for everything.

I have now made provisions in the budget for Daddy to take children out Saturday for breakfast and to do chores outside, tommorrow they will be taking black bags to the recycling place and cleaning car and windows, or come summer I will pack them a picnic for the park

-Charley

[MarginOfError]

Welcome to parenthood! You've been given a rather abrupt introduction, it sounds like. I don't know if you've read any parenting books, but it couldn't hurt.

One thing to keep in mind is that kids' minds aren't as practiced at applying abstract concepts like time, or days of the week. Your niece may be coming to wake you up on Saturdays because she doesn't fully understand the difference between Wednesday and Saturday. If you start talking to her on Friday nights that Saturday is a day when your wife is home and on Saturday she should ask your wife to get her food, she might start to make that connection. But you have to talk to her about it every Friday night. It might take a couple months for her to remember, but it'll come.

Also keep in mind that kids thrive on routine. so if your niece is used to getting you up in the morning to get breakfast, she'll do it just because that's the routine she knows. It usually has very little to do with the parents or their parenting styles and more to do with the natural cognitive development of the child. Your niece sounds like a perfectly normal and healthy girl, and at this age, this behavior is a good sign; it means she's developing just as she should.

So, while it may be inconvenient at the moment, you can work to alter her patterns a little, and always remember that what you do now lays the foundation for a wonderful relationship 20 years from now.

[talisyn]

It doesn't matter what I'm doing, and it doesnt' matter how available my husband is, the kids always ask me to get their drinks and food. I could be in the bathroom, throwing up, and my husband could be in the kitchen with milk in hand and they'll still ask me. I tell them 'go ask dad, he's just as good at getting you stuff as me' and they get this look like it had never occured to them before. Sometimes if they are tired it has to be ME... so anyways, just saying, don't worry that she asks you. She sees you as the provider. Chances are in 6 months that will change, then change again.

As for your wife, we all have different parenting techniques. My husband and I do things differently. At first it irked me he didn't do the things that I deemed so important. It was like, does the tv need to be on? WHy don't you read to them? Well, he could also say why don't I play video games with them? Why don't I wrestle with them? What's wrong with eating in the living room? WHy can't I just have more fun?

Anyways. If it's a time issue, ask her to help out more. If it's a technique issue, figure out if it's something you want to change or NEED to change. If it's a want, let it go. But for the time issue, uhhh, I'm still working on being 'equally yoked' myself, and a lot of that has to do with myself stressing myself out about what I have to do.

Best of luck.

The bolded part is so true (everything else is too of course lol). For ages the grandkids in the family showed a def preference for Grampa, much to the dismay of Gramma. It's not that she wanted all the attention, all she wanted was a hug or two without promptings. 8 years later the grandkids still give Grampa hugs, but they actually have conversations with Gramma about all sorts of things, which thrills her to no end. Patience with the changing maturity level of children is probably the most important thing to keep in mind.

[djsmom07]

So this is SeattleTruthSeeker's wife - and I must say I am a little shocked at how he is making me out. Wow

[MarginOfError]

So this is SeattleTruthSeeker's wife - and I must say I am a little shocked at how he is making me out. Wow

Careful here...it always comes across worse in writing than it is intended, and all of us here know it.

But just for kicks...why dont' you give us your side of the story.

[Elgama]

So this is SeattleTruthSeeker's wife - and I must say I am a little shocked at how he is making me out. Wow

its good to have a place to sound off when you are annoyed my husband (gabelpa) and I both post on here and agree sometimes a post is just a way of working out an annoyance and getting an opinion when you don't know how to handle it and its preferable to screaming at each other. Personally I have a huge simmering resentment of my husband if I have decided to rest for a morning and I have been bounced on, walked on and miaowed at the whole time and he thinks he has given me a lie-in. An hour later I am more relaxed about it

It maybe not how he see's your normally but how he feels when these incidents happen. I like to post on here because it gives me a male perspective on an issue, SeattleTruthSeeker is new to your family and settling in as a result of the posts he knows its normal something to get used to rather than scream about

-Charley

Edited February 1, 2009 by Elgama

[djsmom07]

I am just HUGELY offended that he would say that I am neglecting my niece and nephew - not to mention the lie about telling me what he posted - didn't say anything about it to me - I brought this to his attention this am and he says to me "oh sorry didn't realize I said that" what ever like he doesn't know when he burps or farts either right lol. I'm not going to get into the whole he said she said crap - there's his perception of the truth and my perception of it - so not worth it in the long run. Let me just say this tho - I took 6 weeks off work (paid time off) when the kids were first placed with us in July and did everything for them and this home - except cooking dinner (I hate cooking and dh loves to soooooo) and bathing them (long story have no clue how to make it a short one) I guess I just thought that since he was home all day and not working(not paid time off - laid off and no income) that he would take over the majority of the housework duties and he didn't (yes this was discussed and he said he would take over the housework) and I didn't realize that Angie getting him up was such a BIG deal, nothing was ever said to me until I saw this post. Sounds like a major communication problem too

[pam]

Sounds like something to work out at home instead posting the he said/she said thing on a forum. We do understand there are two sides to every story. However, I don't want the forums to be turned into battle of words about grievances and misunderstandings between spouses.

[djsmom07]

Sounds like something to work out at home instead posting the he said/she said thing on a forum. We do understand there are two sides to every story. However, I don't want the forums to be turned into battle of words about grievances and misunderstandings between spouses.

that's what I was trying to say but guess I didn't very well - just deleted it and will delete my profile as well - sorry didn't mean to offend anyone

[pam]

You didn't offend at all. Honestly I can see your frustration and welcome you as a member of the site in your own right. I would love to have you stay and get to know you.

[Elgama]

that's what I was trying to say but guess I didn't very well - just deleted it and will delete my profile as well - sorry didn't mean to offend anyone

noone here is offended please stay......

-Charley

[TheyCallMeMom]

I also agree with Gwen.. and Alana said it perfectly

some of my kids will come to me for every little thing, walking past their dad in the process.

Other times they will do the same with him.

I think it depends on the relationship with the child.. If they have come to me numerous times and daddy is not busy and I am then I will relay that to them.. being clear on your expectations will make it much easier..

[tanuvasamama]

First of all, Welcome to my world! Hahahaha. We now switch days on weekends. He sleeps in on saturdays and I get up and do breakfast. I get to sleep in on sundays (we have church at 10:30) and he does breakfast. Daddy cooking sunday breakfast has become a tradition in the house. The kids don't realize that it's just because I want some extra zzz's.

Welcome to parenthood! You've been given a rather abrupt introduction, it sounds like. I don't know if you've read any parenting books, but it couldn't hurt.

One thing to keep in mind is that kids' minds aren't as practiced at applying abstract concepts like time, or days of the week. Your niece may be coming to wake you up on Saturdays because she doesn't fully understand the difference between Wednesday and Saturday. If you start talking to her on Friday nights that Saturday is a day when your wife is home and on Saturday she should ask your wife to get her food, she might start to make that connection. But you have to talk to her about it every Friday night. It might take a couple months for her to remember, but it'll come.

Also keep in mind that kids thrive on routine. so if your niece is used to getting you up in the morning to get breakfast, she'll do it just because that's the routine she knows. It usually has very little to do with the parents or their parenting styles and more to do with the natural cognitive development of the child. Your niece sounds like a perfectly normal and healthy girl, and at this age, this behavior is a good sign; it means she's developing just as she should.

So, while it may be inconvenient at the moment, you can work to alter her patterns a little, and always remember that what you do now lays the foundation for a wonderful relationship 20 years from now.

I COMPLETELY agree with this!