My wife just left...

[JXD0157]

This past week my wife of almost 8 years made the decision to move out, and she moved out this past weekend. Like all couples, we have had our ups and our downs, but this past year has been really difficult. The emotional roller coaster I have been on, has been difficult to say the least, and I am sure it has been for her as well. What makes this most difficult is that we have an amazing little girl that is caught in the middle.

There's plenty of blame to go around, and I wouldn't even know where to start to explain that. The last 6 months have been especially tough, since we have been "separated" but have been living in the same house.

For the past year I have been asking my wife what I can do to fix things. She has been giving me the same answer - "give me space." The problem is that I just don't know how to accomodate. I have been going to Family Services and talking to a divorced relative, and they both tell me the same thing - give her space. All I manage to do is change my behavior to what I think she wants to see, and then I ask her if things are getting better. Obviously that action didn't work.

As a result I am now living alone in my empty house, trying to get through each day. I have trouble talking to my wife now, let alone see my wife now, because all I want to do is cry. I really feel like we had a great life, and now it seems like everything has been taken away.

I have moments where I feel like I should just let her go and move on. Then there are moments where I can't living my life without her in it every day. Every day is so difficult, and I just don't know what to do.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this? Is my wife gone for good? Any words of advice?

[Still_Small_Voice]

I am sorry for this awful trial that has come into your life. I can't even imagine what you are going thru. My wife and I have been married for about seven years and I don't know what I would do if she just decided to walk out the door and leave.

I suggest you fast and pray for the spiritual strength you will need to survive this.

[debi56]

I am truly sorry for this awful thing that is happening to you. I can't say it is permanent, but the more you push, the harder she is going to push back. I am sure you feel like you are in limbo and that everything is up in the air.

I am going through something similar except I am the one who will be leaving. We have been married 20 years and it seemed that the marriage started going down hill after 8 years. We have grown apart, we can still talk and laugh together but I am an affectionate person and he is not, these are just a few of so many things wrong with this marriage. He is critical and will often ridicule me for having a different opinion. I am to the point that I look forward to growing old and dying. I finally woke up one day and thought I don't want to grow old yet. So I will leave, he will be sad but not too sad.

If he asked me what he could do to change things, I would have to say that there is nothing. We both are who we are. He is content and I am not.

I know that this doesn't help you much, and it is always painful from both sides, I cry still over the death of this marriage but also know I can't live like this. Pray and ask fro strength and comfort.

[georgia2]

I'm so sorry you and your daughter!

It's really hard for anyone to give advice when they don't know anything about your wife's side.

I've been divorced, and I have been separated from my current husband.

The divorce was because he was verbally, emotionally, spiritually abusive. How he tried to get me to stay was by telling me I would never find anyone else.

When I separated from my current husband was because he treated me more like a room mate than a wife. Didn't pay attention, didn't laugh at jokes, wasn't supportive in callings, didn't want to do fun things together, didn't respect things I did...................... I told him i was leaving and he asked me what he could do. after telling him over and over and over again BEFORE I said I was leaving. by the time i was through waiting to be treated right, my telling him again was just proof of all the things I already said. I left and was gone 2 weeks. I came back because I didn't have anywhere else to go at the moment. Then he did the things he should have been doing all along because he realized how much he did want me. If you really want your marriage to work, you need to treat your wife like you did when you were dating. Don't mean spending money on dates and gifts, but treating her with kindness, understanding, support, respect. Now that she has already left, you will have to do that by going over there, or meeting her and your daughter and being the guy she married. Don't push, don't beg, respect her feelings and decisions. You can show her how much you love her by looking in to her eyes. Talking about her, or let her talk about her. Not about her negative feelings about the marriage, but about things she cares about, is passionate about, dreams, goals. Does she enjoy cooking? cook with her. Does she enjoy gardening? garden with her. Does she enjoy reading? take her to Barnes & Nobels and hang out. Then wait..........pray.............be a great dad.............be interesting yourself......... be spiritual................. live the gospel. One thing that women who are members really love about a man is his testimony and dedication to do those things they are supposed to do. HAve family prayer, scripture study, teach bedtime stories, tell her to take the afternoon off to do whatever, you watch your child, then have dinner ready when she comes back to get the child. If these are things you haven't been doing, change your life and start doing them, nor just to get her back but to make your and her life more fulfilling and supportive. If these things are not what she wants, then maybe she has things going on that you don't realize. LAst but not least, it might not be you!

[refman]

The most important thing to remember is that nobody will do anything they truly don't want to do. You want your family to be together again, but you cannot want it for her. The only person you can control is you. Focus on becoming a better person and father to your daughter. You will be blessed for your good works and will receive your reward. Your wife, too, will receive her reward.

When someone says "Give me space," it's almost the worst thing they could say. Couples who are struggling need to be with each other more than ever, not given space where God knows what could happen. "Give me space" says to me that she is selfish and does not care about your feelings. You can't control her feelings. Just be the best person and father you can be.

[sisterzion]

I perfectly understand what you are going through. I went through the same thing 8 years ago. I hear myself in all the questions you are asking yourself accompanied by all the emotional turmoil. Having a spouse leave is very confronting. It hits right at the core of all we are. It puts our very self into question. We wonder how will put ourself back together with the life we were trying to build, and the dreams we hoped would come true.

There were three things that helped me. It is a life long journey.

Firstly, I knew that God loved me. Once I got through asking all the why questions, I really needed to know How I was going to get through.

Secondly, the Book of Mormon provided peace, comfort, revelation in ways I could have never imagined. It is the best source of LIGHT for any circumstance.

Thirdly, I read about others who had grieved, and felt comforted in the fact that I was now having to grow up, and experience some adult events, that would teach me.

C.S. Lewis' works are marvellous. "A grief observed", and "Mere Christianity" are an eye-opener.

Practically speaking, you need to let your wife live her own journey. She may come back, she may not. It is really important that your grief does not turn to desperation that makes you behave in ways that will permanently alienate her.

I know that for marriage to work, each partner needs to be themself without manipulation, compulsion, control, expectation etc. From the book "The Prophet", you need to be a column and your wife a column, holding up the same roof, but not being the same column. You are independent, free-thinking people with your own feelings etc, and that needs to be respected.

I am not the same person today as I was before my spouse left. I have very deep scars which in time the Lord will heal. That I know.

I spent 4 years hoping that my spouse would see the light and come home, but that was a separate journey.

Find your own sense of joy and purpose (that is very difficult, because love for a spouse can seem like our only purpose, and only source of joy). When you learn to lose your dependence on your wife, she will see the difference, and it will free her. You must not see your relationship as one of ownership. Stand on your own two feet, that will be your journey, and everything else will be your own personal tale to tell.

[nzorient]

I just want to say this is all eye opening for me and I'm thankful to have read everyone's experiences. They are so heartfelt and edifying. For JXD, I would like to share with you something our Mission President's wife told us during a conference, and that was whatever happens with our partners - we are still responsible for our own salvation. I share this because you must not let life end because of this event and don't let your emotions let you become weak in faith because this is what Satan desires. As everyone else has said, it's a good chance to review where things are at and slowly take it from there. It's important you be gentle on yourself and don't beat yourself up. I can some what relate to how you are feeling because I've been through ups and downs in our marriage and it is easy to panic over things when they go wrong and if you let yourself boil up, it can lead you to make the wrong decisions. Make sure you get a chance to cool down and take a deep breath and be brave to take the big steps to rebuild things back up.

Know that Heavenly Father is fully aware of how you're feeling and the tests of life can really be unfair. Be patient my brother and give the Lord an opportunity to reveal His will to you. Be strong.

[debi56]

I'm so sorry you and your daughter!

It's really hard for anyone to give advice when they don't know anything about your wife's side.

I've been divorced, and I have been separated from my current husband.

The divorce was because he was verbally, emotionally, spiritually abusive. How he tried to get me to stay was by telling me I would never find anyone else.

When I separated from my current husband was because he treated me more like a room mate than a wife. Didn't pay attention, didn't laugh at jokes, wasn't supportive in callings, didn't want to do fun things together, didn't respect things I did...................... I told him i was leaving and he asked me what he could do. after telling him over and over and over again BEFORE I said I was leaving. by the time i was through waiting to be treated right, my telling him again was just proof of all the things I already said. I left and was gone 2 weeks. I came back because I didn't have anywhere else to go at the moment. Then he did the things he should have been doing all along because he realized how much he did want me. If you really want your marriage to work, you need to treat your wife like you did when you were dating. Don't mean spending money on dates and gifts, but treating her with kindness, understanding, support, respect. Now that she has already left, you will have to do that by going over there, or meeting her and your daughter and being the guy she married. Don't push, don't beg, respect her feelings and decisions. You can show her how much you love her by looking in to her eyes. Talking about her, or let her talk about her. Not about her negative feelings about the marriage, but about things she cares about, is passionate about, dreams, goals. Does she enjoy cooking? cook with her. Does she enjoy gardening? garden with her. Does she enjoy reading? take her to Barnes & Nobels and hang out. Then wait..........pray.............be a great dad.............be interesting yourself......... be spiritual................. live the gospel. One thing that women who are members really love about a man is his testimony and dedication to do those things they are supposed to do. HAve family prayer, scripture study, teach bedtime stories, tell her to take the afternoon off to do whatever, you watch your child, then have dinner ready when she comes back to get the child. If these are things you haven't been doing, change your life and start doing them, nor just to get her back but to make your and her life more fulfilling and supportive. If these things are not what she wants, then maybe she has things going on that you don't realize. LAst but not least, it might not be you!

Wow Georgia are we married to the same guy? LOL

[georgia2]

hahaha

maybe .......what's your hubby look like?

I think this happens A LOT ! guys (and women) tend to take their spouse for granted. Spouse gets tired of being invisible! things are great with us now.

[debi56]

well we have split up twice before and things are still the same way but worse.

[Faded]

This past week my wife of almost 8 years made the decision to move out, and she moved out this past weekend. Like all couples, we have had our ups and our downs, but this past year has been really difficult. The emotional roller coaster I have been on, has been difficult to say the least, and I am sure it has been for her as well. What makes this most difficult is that we have an amazing little girl that is caught in the middle.

There's plenty of blame to go around, and I wouldn't even know where to start to explain that. The last 6 months have been especially tough, since we have been "separated" but have been living in the same house.

For the past year I have been asking my wife what I can do to fix things. She has been giving me the same answer - "give me space." The problem is that I just don't know how to accomodate. I have been going to Family Services and talking to a divorced relative, and they both tell me the same thing - give her space. All I manage to do is change my behavior to what I think she wants to see, and then I ask her if things are getting better. Obviously that action didn't work.

As a result I am now living alone in my empty house, trying to get through each day. I have trouble talking to my wife now, let alone see my wife now, because all I want to do is cry. I really feel like we had a great life, and now it seems like everything has been taken away.

I have moments where I feel like I should just let her go and move on. Then there are moments where I can't living my life without her in it every day. Every day is so difficult, and I just don't know what to do.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this? Is my wife gone for good? Any words of advice?

First of all, I'm so very sorry this happened to you.

It seems you'll find a lot of people with similar experience. As for me? I'm less than a month past finding out my wife cheated on me with a man over twice her age. The lead up is similar, but the results are different. We're working through it instead of splitting up, but some of the reasons it all happened are very similar. The marriage had progressively gotten worse in numerous areas. When I found out what happened, I had to choose: Is that the last straw? Do I leave and let the marriage die? Or do I use it as a "crisis of opportunity" to try to completely rebuild our marriage? I'm choosing to try to rebuild and there's a lot to be done yet by both of us. But so much in our marriage feels like it was ripped to shreds. It was painful beyond words to describe. It still is. It's not the same scenario, but I can understand what you must be going through.

What you're experiencing isn't at all unexpected. Marriage ties two people together more deeply and completely that we even realize. When one person elects to end the marriage, it's a lot like a violently ripping off a part of your own body -- but on a spiritual and emotional level instead of physical.

I do have a few questions so I can better understand. Has your wife left the possibility open for repairing the marriage or is she calling it quits? You're saying that she left but it's unclear to me whether she has any desire left to rebuild her marriage to you. If she has completely given up on the marriage, then there's nothing anyone can do about that except for her. If she takes some time and eventually decides that she wants to put it all back together, then that would be great. It doesn't sound like the direction things are going though. Then again, nobody here has the full picture so it's hard to draw any conclusions.

No matter what direction things are headed, continue with counseling. Going through something as painful as what you're experiencing ... well, you're obviously going to need some help getting through it. More importantly, remember your number 1 resource is God. You're in a scenario where you have to accept whatever your wife chooses for the future of your marriage. You're Father in Heaven can get you through it better than anyone or anything. Pray. Fast. Draw close to Him in every way possible. He will see you through it, no matter what.

[Hemidakota]

This past week my wife of almost 8 years made the decision to move out, and she moved out this past weekend. Like all couples, we have had our ups and our downs, but this past year has been really difficult. The emotional roller coaster I have been on, has been difficult to say the least, and I am sure it has been for her as well. What makes this most difficult is that we have an amazing little girl that is caught in the middle.

There's plenty of blame to go around, and I wouldn't even know where to start to explain that. The last 6 months have been especially tough, since we have been "separated" but have been living in the same house.

For the past year I have been asking my wife what I can do to fix things. She has been giving me the same answer - "give me space." The problem is that I just don't know how to accomodate. I have been going to Family Services and talking to a divorced relative, and they both tell me the same thing - give her space. All I manage to do is change my behavior to what I think she wants to see, and then I ask her if things are getting better. Obviously that action didn't work.

As a result I am now living alone in my empty house, trying to get through each day. I have trouble talking to my wife now, let alone see my wife now, because all I want to do is cry. I really feel like we had a great life, and now it seems like everything has been taken away.

I have moments where I feel like I should just let her go and move on. Then there are moments where I can't living my life without her in it every day. Every day is so difficult, and I just don't know what to do.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this? Is my wife gone for good? Any words of advice?

Are you active in the church? Do you have a temple marriage? Did you speak to your Bishop concerning this situation?

[lilered]

It has been my expierence that a lot of marriages get into trouble because couples fail to continue to work at perfecting the basics. I.E. Family Home Evenings, Family Prayer, Family Scripture Reading, Attend Church Together, Eat meals together, Go to the Temple Often, etc.. Additionally, marriages deteriorate because they lose respect for one another and/or fail to treat each other with love and kindness. In your case, I am sure that much has transpired prior to your wife walking out.

What you can do is seek to perfect yourself and repent of those things you should. Get back to basics with your life and the Lord will do the rest. The decision to return is your wifes to make. She has made her decision to leave and you should honor that. You should discuss your marriage situation with your Bishop in private if you have not already done so. Good Luck

[Just_A_Guy]

I know it's horrible to think about money at a time like this, but if you're not careful you may wind up suffering financially as well as emotionally. See a family lawyer. There are steps you can take now to protect yourself in case things don't improve between you and your wife. I'm not talking about trying to take advantage of her; I'm just talking about making sure that you don't get taken advantage of.

[Guest ldsgirl08]

I think of two words I read in a book called "Latter Day Divorce and Beyond" that helped me. "Free Agency" This may not mean anything to you but it sure did hit me hard. I wanted things to work out between my husband and me. I wanted to be everything he wanted me to be but what I failed to do was seek what the Lord wanted me to be...what the Lord wanted me to be doing. I was even an inactive member of the church because of his influence...(my decision of course because I didn't want to lose him) He became like my God because I prioritized my earthly desires before my eternal ones and that's not on him...that's because of me.

When I read the words "Free Agency" everything that I told you made sense. I have stopped trying to be the right one for him but rather trying to be right in God's eyes. My x2b had a choice and has free agency to do as he pleases on earth but that doesn't mean I have to continue allowing myself to be a doormat. It is a waste of my time trying to "fix" what he thought were my problems. Truth is...they were his problems with me and anybody who had a personality like me. That doesnt' mean that he's bad for not liking me the way I am...that's his choice. It would be nice if he acknowledged his disinterest in me rather than trying to make excuses for not wanting to love me anymore but I will never get that and it leaves those of us who are/were trying to fix things about ourselves for another feeling rejected and alone.

My advice is to do as the other people have advised and give her space. Focus your energies on your faith and your daughter. Work on being a better person in God's eyes rather than for any mere mortal here on earth. Also, if you do end up divorced and you begin to search again...don't worry about looking for the right person but focus on being the right person.

I hope this finds you doing well today.

~~LDSGIRL08

[JXD0157]

Some of you have asked a few questions. So I thought I would try and answer them...

• My wife and I both come from strong LDS families and we were both born into the church
• We were married in the temple
• We have stayed active in church, but not as much as we used to be. I'll be honest when I say church has become difficult to attend for the last 6 months. This is due to the family situation and all the Prop 8 stuff. It is really hard to hear that you need to strengthen your family, when your family situation is falling apart. I still go every week and attend the first 2 hours of the block, but I have only been attending EQ 1-2 times a week. Yes, I know this is not good, and I know it is nobody's fault but mine.
• As for the basic things (scriptures, praying together, etc) we have always struggled with that, for whatever reason.
• We haven't been to the temple together since 2007, although I did end off 2008 really well, attending several times in the last couple of months. I can't say whether or not my wife has been attending. If she has, it has been without me.
• Today she told me that while she thinks we will ultimately get divorced, she hasn't made a final decision. All she knows is that she has moved out for the next few months, and will see where things stand after a few months.

I am trying to come to grips with everything, and just be myself. I haven't been myself for a long time, because I have been dwelling on all the negatives. It is just time to be me, and be happy with that.

I appreciate all the kind words you all have shared. This is not an easy thing, and it is nice to hear all the encouragement. Hopefully one day I will be able to pay this forward.

[bert10]

Hi and Yes I have been there. The Philosophies of the world cannot solve your problem since they cannot show man how to Live "Unconditional Love" and how to bring the power of God in their lives. What you need is to learn to "Love Unconditionally" and to bring down the power of God to act in your life.

"Unconditional Love"

"Unconditional Love" is a powerful force for good. It does not force, nor compel, does not need anything in return...They who have this love Learn to Give it regardless of what our spouse does. The more we give this love out, the more God refills it in our heart. Learn to BECOME A FOUNTAIN OF LIVING WATERS.

The three roles of man in marriages is

<> 1. Is responsible and accountable to God...To support and protect the family physically.

<> 2. Is responsible and accountable to God...To teach his family Spiritually [as much as they will allow him]

<> 3. Is responsible and accountable to God...for his family happiness.

In these three things you have no choice.They are the man's primary responsibility before God for his family.

So your wife want space...well give it to her in a sense...Start doing things for her without expecting anything back. If you think on it there are a lot of thing you can do. Remember...Love, mercy and forgiveness are part of Unconditional Love [Charity] and do not forget to thank GOD and praise GOD that your wife wants space from you. Do this everytime you think of it. It will prevent you from Concentrating on what is negative and make it a positive thing before God. Instead of sending sorrows to your heart and heaven...... you are making it a prayer and learning to leap for Joy because of it. Read Chapter 6 of Luke for a better idea of when to leap for joy.

As you learn to live Unconditional Love which was also taught as charity in the scriptures...you shall overcome, anger and all the other negatives feelings and hurts that comes when a breakup is about to occur.

<> "Unconditional Love [Charity] is greather than Hope and faith". <>

As things progress God shall begin to act in a positive manner in your life. You will begin to understand many things that you had not before.

You also hold Spiritual authority over your wife and children. This has to be use righteously. For example you should not bless anything she does that will cause you to separate...such as a job in another city etc.You can ask God to begin to withold the Blessings that flows thru you to the family in certain circumstances.

You can only win your wife back with Love, without using any force of any kind or anything that will compel.....using patience, mercy, forgiveness and doing good to her and helping her whenever she wants you to do. You can help her in things..but you do not have to bless what she does.

If you follow the praising and thanking part each time you think about a negative thing...it will bring the power of God in your life and who knows where it will lead. This praising and thanking God in all things allows GOD to do what He knows is right and not what we think is right.

Peace be unto you

bert10

This past week my wife of almost 8 years made the decision to move out, and she moved out this past weekend. Like all couples, we have had our ups and our downs, but this past year has been really difficult. The emotional roller coaster I have been on, has been difficult to say the least, and I am sure it has been for her as well. What makes this most difficult is that we have an amazing little girl that is caught in the middle.

There's plenty of blame to go around, and I wouldn't even know where to start to explain that. The last 6 months have been especially tough, since we have been "separated" but have been living in the same house.

For the past year I have been asking my wife what I can do to fix things. She has been giving me the same answer - "give me space." The problem is that I just don't know how to accomodate. I have been going to Family Services and talking to a divorced relative, and they both tell me the same thing - give her space. All I manage to do is change my behavior to what I think she wants to see, and then I ask her if things are getting better. Obviously that action didn't work.

As a result I am now living alone in my empty house, trying to get through each day. I have trouble talking to my wife now, let alone see my wife now, because all I want to do is cry. I really feel like we had a great life, and now it seems like everything has been taken away.

I have moments where I feel like I should just let her go and move on. Then there are moments where I can't living my life without her in it every day. Every day is so difficult, and I just don't know what to do.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this? Is my wife gone for good? Any words of advice?

[BenRaines]

How are things the same but worse. Sounds like things are worse.

Ben Raines

[jolee65]

Im a female and have asked for the samething from my husband while I was in the process of divorcing him. He didnt understand at first but caught on when he kept coming to my job and I had to tell him to stop coming to my work place before he got me fired and he did stop, he didnt call, he worked and went to church, once our divorce was final he went to single conference with a one nite stay and he met a girl and they started dating.

Long story short we got remarried 5 yrs ago.

[lilered]

I have often observed that marriages do not decay overnite. It takes time, sometimes years and years. Fixing them cannot be done overnite either. However, usually with the LDS ones that I am familiar with it usually starts when the family starts to drift away from the Basics Beliefs of the church and Counseling of our leaders. Couples and Families quit praying together, Individual Prayers are stopped or sporadic, Family Home Evenings are not held regularly, Daily Individual and Family Scripture reading stops or is sporadic, Meeting attendance is sporadic, Temple visits are not regular or stop all together. Work and/or material things begin to be the Gods that are being worshiped and sought after. Family time becomes less important, Meals are not eaten together. Date nites cease, etc.

Children are often left alone to be babysat by the T.V.. and receive less and less of mom or dads time.

Until these things are addressed by repentance and re-established, things will no doubt get any better. Even if the marriage is so bad, that seperate living arrangements are the order of the day, then many of these actions can still be committed to by one or both of the spouses and all of the children.

[cjmaldrich]

I didn't read every post on here... It's not really my advice to take, so sorry if I repeat what anyone's already said. I have a brother who cheated on his wife and she took the kids and left the state. I have a sister-in-law who went off the deep end and is in the middle of getting a divorce -- and sleeping around. I have another sister-in-law whose husband of four years started having an affair and left her. Needless to say, I've been doing a LOT of pondering about marriage and divorce in the last few months... Of course, the people I'm really concerned about don't care to hear what I have to say.

Hopefully you won't get upset or anything, but I've thought of a few things in this regard that must be said frankly. There is no sugar-coating this subject. I don't want to sound like a jerk, but after typing it... That's kinda what it sounds like

First off, I'm sorry that your marriage isn't going so hot and that whatever you two have been doing has finally led up to this. I really honestly hope it works out for you and that your family doesn't become another statistic or "what could've been" story.

Second, remember that there is NOTHING that can't be overcome with repentance and hard work. I've heard of people whose marriages have been on the edge of collapse with infidelity, lies, hurt, and everything imaginable. I've heard of some of these marriages, though very few, turning into life-long relationships for both people through repentance. Don't forget to forgive and forget when someone screws up and then apologizes for it.

Third, don't blame anyone. Don't be a victim and try to say that the other person is so bossy or whatever. If you or were wife were to try to tell me that the marriage falling apart is "his fault" or "her fault," I would tell you right back that you're a liar. If you got married, than there is obviously something about the other person that makes them completely and utterly unresistable. We don't wake up one day and say, "gee, I hate my wife's stinkin guts." Own up to those things that YOU have done to screw up the relationship and fix them. If you wife wants to work things out with you, she'll need to do the same things. She can't try to make it something that you did, she needs to own up to what SHE has done and fix it.

Fourth, quit being selfish. How many marriages can you think of that ended because the two people were too concerned about the other being happy? More importantly since you have a kid, how many marriages have ended because the parents were striving to set a good example for their children? Divorce is ALWAYS a selfish act. In a divorce, it usually comes down to "What can I do to make myself happy?" rather than "what can I do better to make my spouse happy?"

Fifth, be religious together. I've noticed that the families who seem to have the least amount of problems are also the ones that spend time together studying scriptures, praying, going to church (yes, all meetings every week), and attending the temple. Leaving these things out is just begging for God to withdraw from your relationship and make your lives way harder. Along the same lines, strive to live the gospel. Don't just read the words on the paper, but apply what you learn to your life and relationship.

Sixth, don't take the easy way out. Divorce isn't the answer unless one of you is physically or emotionally abusing the other... It also doesn't sound like it fixes anything, especially when there are kids... If you plan on being a good father, you're going to be forced to be on at least speaking terms with the mother. So why not be her best friend? Why not fix whatever you two have done and stay married? Then you can see your kid any time you want, you can have a great relationship with her mother, and your child won't be in an akward position until the day you and your wife die.

Of course, these things that I've thought up only work if both people are willing to be humble and fair. If you or your wife have already checked out and decided it's finished, then the deal's already done. Both of you need to sit down, truly forgive each other, commit to making each other happy, and remember why you guys got married in the first place.

Good luck.

[georgia2]

okay, I read this last post, and yes for the most part I agree. BUT, there are times when a divorce is not a selfish act or because you were also to blame. There are times when one spouse DOES do the right things. DOES keep their vows and covenants. BUT you cannot control or make your spouse do what is right! You can't make your spouse stop abusing you, you can't make your spouse stop doing drugs, you can't stop your spouse from having an affair. Sometimes you have to do the hardest thing, you have to leave this spouse for the protection and well being of the children. People who stay together for the children's sake aren't doing them any favors. They are teaching their kids to fight their spouse, they are teaching their kids that marriage is horrible, they are teaching their kids HOW NOT TO LIVE. Sometimes a parent has to to the most unselfish thing and Leave the other person and do it all alone! It is worth every second of peace in the home. It is worth every FHE and prayer in the home where the Spirit can NOW reside.

[cjmaldrich]

I'm no marriage expert... I've only been doing it myself for a year and a half... So I have to go off of the divorces that I've watched.

I don't disagree that there aren't some cases where a divorce is best... Abuse probably being the biggest one of course. I risk sounding like I'm "blaming the victim" here, but when it comes to someone playing the victim card, they need to look at themselves just as much.

What did they do to make their spouse have an affair? Happily married people don't just go out and find someone else to give their love to.

What did they do to support and care for their addicted spouse? Addiction, no matter how it comes to be, is very hard to overcome and leaving that person should be the very last resort.

I don't know any statistics, but if gambling was legal for us I would bet a good sum of money that there are very very few, like maybe .00002%, cases of one spouse being completely innocent and the other being the only one who screws up. Being selfish and playing the victim role doesn't fix anything. Of course, it takes both people being repentant and willing to change. That's where the complications come in...

[georgia2]

you're right about the other person doing something wrong. They married an abusive, drug loving, pedophile, while being naive about the sickness that some people can have.

[jadams_4040]

This past week my wife of almost 8 years made the decision to move out, and she moved out this past weekend. Like all couples, we have had our ups and our downs, but this past year has been really difficult. The emotional roller coaster I have been on, has been difficult to say the least, and I am sure it has been for her as well. What makes this most difficult is that we have an amazing little girl that is caught in the middle.

There's plenty of blame to go around, and I wouldn't even know where to start to explain that. The last 6 months have been especially tough, since we have been "separated" but have been living in the same house.

For the past year I have been asking my wife what I can do to fix things. She has been giving me the same answer - "give me space." The problem is that I just don't know how to accomodate. I have been going to Family Services and talking to a divorced relative, and they both tell me the same thing - give her space. All I manage to do is change my behavior to what I think she wants to see, and then I ask her if things are getting better. Obviously that action didn't work.

As a result I am now living alone in my empty house, trying to get through each day. I have trouble talking to my wife now, let alone see my wife now, because all I want to do is cry. I really feel like we had a great life, and now it seems like everything has been taken away.

I have moments where I feel like I should just let her go and move on. Then there are moments where I can't living my life without her in it every day. Every day is so difficult, and I just don't know what to do.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this? Is my wife gone for good? Any words of advice?

I honestly hope you will beleive that you are not alone nor the first; I traveled down this horrible path many years ago; it made me crazy, the only thing that kept me going was family and the ultimate realization that there is no other way out except to live your life the best you can. only time will heal. And the church will always be there to help.