Mormon Census Form

[pam]

Mormon Census Form

1. _____________________ (Given name)

2. _____________________ (Surname)

3. Descendant of:

A. Adam and Eve _____

B. Cain and Abel _____

C. Laman and Lemuel _____

D. Laurel and Hardy _____

4. Tribe: _____________________

5. Number of occupants in home:

(Categories listed in chronological order)

A. Nursery _____

B. Junior Primary _____

C. Senior Primary _____

D. Young Women’s _____

E. Young Men’s _____

F. Relief Society _____

G. Elder _____

H. Dearly Departed _____

I. High Priest _____

6. Occupation:

A. Amway dealer _____

B. Shaklee dealer _____

C. Nonie juice dealer _____

D. NuSkin dealer _____

E. Melaleuca dealer _____

7. Automobile:

A. Station Wagon _____

B. Van _____

C. Suburban _____

D. School Bus _____

E. Double Decker _____

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:

A. Chuck-A-Rama _____

B. Hometown Buffet _____

C. Sumo Sam’s All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____

9. Favorite Hero:

A. Nephi _____

B. Abinadi _____

C. Samuel the Lamanite _____

D. Steve Young _____

E. Johnny Lingo _____

10. Which of the following do you bring to church:

A. Scriptures _____

B. Daytimer _____

C. Pen/Pencil _____

D. Lifesavers _____

E. Tic Tacs _____

F. Game Boy _____

G. Big Gulp _____

H. Cooler _____

I. Sony Walkman _____

J. TV Watch _____

K. All of the above _____

11. Do you prepare your lessons:

A. A month in advance _____

B. A week in advance _____

C. While in the bathtub _____

D. While on the toilet _____

E. During Sacrament Meeting _____

F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____

G. During the opening prayer of the class you’re teaching _____

H. Just wing it _____

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with

Big Gulp holders: yes___ no ___

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:

A. 10-20 years _____

B. 20-30 years _____

C. 30-40 years _____

D. Over 3 generations _____

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:

A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____

B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____

C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

A. 31st ______

B. 31st ______

C. 31st ______

D. 31st ______

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:

A. 1-10 _____

B. 10-20 _____

C. 20-30 _____

D. You’ll have to ask my lawyer _____

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along _____

B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner _____

C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" _____

18. How many times a year do you make:

A. Jello salad _____

B. Funeral potatoes _____

C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____

D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants _____

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:

A. 1-2 thousand _____

B. 2-3 thousand _____

C. 3-4 thousand _____

D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:

A. Alcatraz _____

B. Fort Knox _____

C. Ward Libraries _____

21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: _________

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually = ____

B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____

B. Football game _____

[Roland]

15 Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and

community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth

of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North

ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies

giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones

will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little

Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see

the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come

forward and lay an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the

ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the

cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the

new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every

kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church

hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be

"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

[Berean]

Hee hee I am a convert who has never been to Utah and therefore do not get them all but that is very funny.

[Ghost_Rider]

Pales Mormon Census Form

1. _Pale________________ (Given name)

2. __ Rider _____ ________ (Surname)

3. Descendant of:

A. Adam and Eve _____

B. Cain and Abel _____

C. Laman and Lemuel _____

D. Laurel and Hardy __X___

4. Tribe: _____Horwitz __________

5. Number of occupants in home:

(Categories listed in chronological order)

A. Nursery ___2__

B. Junior Primary __1___

C. Senior Primary __1___

D. Young Women’s __2___

E. Young Men’s ___4__

F. Relief Society __1___

G. Elder ___1__

H. Dearly Departed _____

I. High Priest _____

6. Occupation:

A. Amway dealer _____

B. Shaklee dealer _____

C. Nonie juice dealer _____

D. NuSkin dealer _____

E. Melaleuca dealer __X___

7. Automobile:

A. Station Wagon _____

B. Mini Van (AKA Moroni Assult Vehichle) __X___

C. Suburban _____

D. School Bus _____

E. Double Decker _____

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:

A. Chuck-A-Rama _____

B. Hometown Buffet _____

C. Sumo Sam’s All You Can Eat Feeding Trough __X___

9. Favorite Hero:

A. Nephi _____

B. Abinadi _____

C. Samuel the Lamanite _____

D. Steve Young __X___

E. Johnny Lingo _____

10. Which of the following do you bring to church:

A. Scriptures _____

B. Daytimer _____

C. Pen/Pencil _____

D. Lifesavers _____

E. Tic Tacs _____

F. Game Boy _____

G. Big Gulp _____

H. Cooler _____

I. Sony Walkman _____

J. TV Watch _____

K. All of the above _X____

11. Do you prepare your lessons:

A. A month in advance _____

B. A week in advance _____

C. While in the bathtub _____

D. While on the toilet _____

E. During Sacrament Meeting _____

F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____

G. During the opening prayer of the class you’re teaching _____

H. Just wing it __X___

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with

Big Gulp holders: yes_X__ no ___

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:

A. 10-20 years _____

B. 20-30 years _____

C. 30-40 years _____

D. Over 3 generations _X____

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:

A. 1/100,000,000th of a second __X___

B. 1/999,999,999th of a second _____

C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

A. 31st ______

B. 31st ______

C. 31st __X__

D. 31st ______

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:

A. 1-10 _____

B. 10-20 _____

C. 20-30 _____

D. You’ll have to ask my lawyer __X___

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along __X___

B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner _____

C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" _____

18. How many times a year do you make:

A. Jello salad __34___

B. Funeral potatoes __As needed___

C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad __Every weekend___

D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants __Twice a month___

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:

A. 1-2 thousand _____

B. 2-3 thousand __X___

C. 3-4 thousand _____

D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:

A. Alcatraz _____

B. Fort Knox _____

C. Ward Libraries __X___

21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: ____5 all from NASA_____

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually = ____

B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

C. Cant do higher math. Have to ask 5 year old for help

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____

B. Football game __BYU GAME!!!!!!___

Edited March 12, 2009 by Ghost_Rider
Originaly was gonna do Pam...but figured Pale was alot easier!!!

[talisyn]

I love this joke. I'm glad Moksha found it since I missed it last year

Edited April 8, 2010 by talisyn

[lizzy12]

Elisabeth (Given name)

latter day saint__ (Surname)

3. Descendant of:

A. Adam and Eve _____

4. Tribe: ephraim_____________________

5. Number of occupants in home:

(Categories listed in chronological order)

A. Nursery _____

B. Junior Primary _____

C. Senior Primary 1_____

D. Young Women’s __1___

E. Young Men’s __1___

F. Relief Society _1____

G. Elder _____

H. Dearly Departed _____

I. High Priest _1____

6. Occupation:

Ward babysitter

7. Automobile:

Walker.

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:

My mommys table

9. Favorite Hero:

Moroni

10. Which of the following do you bring to church:

A. Scriptures ___yes__

C. Pen/Pencil __yes___

11. Do you prepare your lessons:

I dont have lessons to prepare

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with

NOPE

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:

we switch every week

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:

hmmm.

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

i don't

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:

none.

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along YUP

B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner __YUP

18. How many times a year do you make:

...none

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:

1.

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:

C. Ward Libraries _____

21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: _________

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually = ____

B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____

[mormonboy51]

Bahahaha, that nailed it on the head!!!!

Mormon Census Form

1. Rex_____________________ (Given name)

2. Linder_____________________ (Surname)

3. Descendant of:

A. Adam and Eve __X___

B. Cain and Abel _____

C. Laman and Lemuel _____

D. Laurel and Hardy _____

4. Tribe: Ephraim_____________________

5. Number of occupants in home: 7

(Categories listed in chronological order)

A. Nursery _____

B. Junior Primary 1_____

C. Senior Primary 1_____

D. Young Women’s 1_____

E. Young Men’s 1_____

F. Relief Society 1_____

G. Elder 1_____

H. Dearly Departed _____

I. High Priest 1_____

6. Occupation:

A. Amway dealer _____

B. Shaklee dealer _____

C. Nonie juice dealer _____

D. NuSkin dealer _____

E. Melaleuca dealer __x___

7. Automobile:

A. Station Wagon _____

B. Van _____

C. Suburban __x___

D. School Bus _____

E. Double Decker _____

8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:

A. Chuck-A-Rama _____

B. Hometown Buffet __x___

C. Sumo Sam’s All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____

9. Favorite Hero:

A. Nephi ___x__

B. Abinadi _____

C. Samuel the Lamanite _____

D. Steve Young __x___

E. Johnny Lingo _____

10. Which of the following do you bring to church:

A. Scriptures __x___

B. Daytimer _____

C. Pen/Pencil _____

D. Lifesavers __x___

E. Tic Tacs __x___

F. Game Boy _____

G. Big Gulp _____

H. Cooler _____

I. Sony Walkman _____

J. TV Watch _____

K. All of the above _____

11. Do you prepare your lessons:

A. A month in advance _____

B. A week in advance __x___

C. While in the bathtub _____

D. While on the toilet _____

E. During Sacrament Meeting _____

F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____

G. During the opening prayer of the class you’re teaching _____

H. Just wing it __x___

12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with

Big Gulp holders: yes__x_ no ___

13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:

A. 10-20 years ___x__

B. 20-30 years _____

C. 30-40 years _____

D. Over 3 generations _____

14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:

A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____

B. 1/999,999,999th of a second __x___

C. 1/999,999,998th of a second _____

15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:

A. 31st ___x___

B. 31st ______

C. 31st ______

D. 31st ______

16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:

A. 1-10 _____

B. 10-20 __x___

C. 20-30 _____

D. You’ll have to ask my lawyer _____

17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:

A. Arguing about getting along __x___

B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner _____

C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" _____

18. How many times a year do you make:

A. Jello salad __29___

B. Funeral potatoes ___70__

C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad ___50__

D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants __60___

19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:

A. 1-2 thousand _____

B. 2-3 thousand _____

C. 3-4 thousand _____

D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake ___x__

20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:

A. Alcatraz _____

B. Fort Knox _____

C. Ward Libraries __x___

21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: ____20_____

22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:

A. Chocolate:__1___ pounds daily X 365 days annually = __365__

B. Cola: __1__ gallons daily X 365 days annually = _365___

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____

B. Football game __x___

[dahlia]

This is very funny. I read it a while back, but now the jokes make sense.

[Wingnut]

This is very funny. I read it a while back, but now the jokes make sense.

It probably does make a lot more sense now, huh?

[TL10]

23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?

A. Second Coming _____

B. Football game _____

Hmm... this question sounds almost like the good ol': "What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow." question.

Coincidence?

[Kurt]

Rofl I love this place.

[sunshinewai]

Loved the ward library one lol

[Guest JimmieKex]

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Regards.