Daughter_of_Helaman2709 Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 Hi, everyone! I am in the midst of a difficult situation. I am a recent convert, and my fiancee does not believe in the Church. He has agreed to marry me in the Church, but obviously we cannot be sealed. He is terminally ill with muscular dystrophy and does not want children, but is willing to try if that is what will make me happy. We were so close to breaking up last night, but that man is better at emotinal blackmail than any man I have ever met. I wish we could fix this, but I don't know if there is any way to do that. I hate leaving him because it seems as though I'm telling him that he's not good enough for me, and that's not true. He has a testimony of eternal marriage, he just does not feel as though temple ordinances are necessary. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate that I'm such a pushover, but I am so softhearted that it's a detriment. Please help. Kate Quote
Wingnut Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 A couple of things come to mind.(1) Which is more important to you -- an eternal marriage, or this one right now?(2) On the other hand (and this will sound crude), how much longer does he have to live?(3) If he doesn't want children, but you end up pregnant, he may resent you and hold it over your head for the rest of his life (literally), and not contribute to helping raise the children.(4) Number three is especially likely in light of your "emotional blackmail" comment. Emotional blackmail is never healthy. If you marry this man, you will not be as happy as you can be.(5) The good news is that you're not married to him yet. You can still get out of it, but be warned: he will try to make you feel guilty if you back out.(6) Leaving him doesn't mean he's "not good enough," it means that you've changed, and you have different priorities. Quote
Gwen Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 i agree with wing's comments...these two statements alone are huge red flags in my opinion.but that man is better at emotinal blackmail than any man I have ever met. I hate that I'm such a pushover, but I am so softhearted that it's a detriment. Quote
Hemidakota Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 Hi, everyone!I am in the midst of a difficult situation. I am a recent convert, and my fiancee does not believe in the Church. He has agreed to marry me in the Church, but obviously we cannot be sealed. He is terminally ill with muscular dystrophy and does not want children, but is willing to try if that is what will make me happy. We were so close to breaking up last night, but that man is better at emotinal blackmail than any man I have ever met. I wish we could fix this, but I don't know if there is any way to do that. I hate leaving him because it seems as though I'm telling him that he's not good enough for me, and that's not true. He has a testimony of eternal marriage, he just does not feel as though temple ordinances are necessary. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate that I'm such a pushover, but I am so softhearted that it's a detriment. Please help.Katekate, walked away from this situation. Quote
applepansy Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 I agree with what every one has said. Walk away. applepansy Quote
lilered Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 I echo what others have counseled. This marriage would not be built on a strong foundation, and as such would have a huge chance of failure from the start. Quote
gaspah Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 yeah, i cant believe i agree with everyone. im never the one to want a couple to break-up.. but sounds like he's not right for you. Quote
jolee65 Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 Im going to say walk away from the situation not because of the church and eternal marriage , but because I would say walk away to anyone thats in a situation were manipulation is involved and im sure hes done this all his life. Marriage is tuff enough without stacking things against you from the very begining, there are alot of guys out there that have alot in common with your needs right from the begining, why struggle when you dont have to. Quote
NeuroTypical Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 What jolee said. This isn't a mormon/nonmormon issue, this is an "you shouldn't get married if you're so big a pushover you fall for a man who practices emotional blackmail" issue. You'll have this same issue in the church, by the way. Figure out why you're a pushover, figure out how to stop being one, THEN go find a worthy man to marry. LM Quote
Guest missingsomething Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 It is easy to get the feeling of "love and compassion" confused with "being in love". There are very few people if they were invested in a relationship and then found things not 'bad" but not on the right path that could up and walk away. Especially if that other person was "terminally ill". I think you have a lot of circumcstances adding to your being a push over. I am against the crowd here, when I say, I dont think there is anything "wrong" with you. You havent married him yet...and trust me, thats half the battle. Here's what I know.... and yes, I use KNOW, not think... I know that if you enter a marriage thinking you can "change someone" - that is warning sign #1. You have to be able to accept the person you are marrying for the person they are - exactly as they are. Do not marry thinking they will change or convert. I can see his reasonings behind having children. His giving into you, seems like he might feel a little emotionally blackmailed too (and sweety- I dont mean its intentional- but maybe he feels he has to give into that in order to keep you). Having children does not make a relationship easier - no no no - it drains you, so you have to make sure you have a strong, sturdy relationship! Especially after being up all night with a baby hehehe. Make a list of what you want out of spouse. Counsel with your bishop. Then take it to the Lord to see if your decision is right. But my guess is dear, if you are already thinking... "I would leave...but..." Then you already have your answer. Quote
Wingnut Posted March 3, 2009 Report Posted March 3, 2009 Here's what I know.... and yes, I use KNOW, not think...I know that if you enter a marriage thinking you can "change someone" - that is warning sign #1. You have to be able to accept the person you are marrying for the person they are - exactly as they are. Do not marry thinking they will change or convert.Amen! Sometimes it can happen, and that's great when it does, but you can't factor it into your plans.Thanks for that perspective. Quote
WillowTheWhisp Posted March 4, 2009 Report Posted March 4, 2009 I hate leaving him because it seems as though I'm telling him that he's not good enough for me, and that's not true.Yes it is true - but perhaps not for the reason you think. Any man who uses emotional blackmail is not good enough for anyone.Do not allow him to mke you feel guilty. Quote
jolee65 Posted March 5, 2009 Report Posted March 5, 2009 Well either she didnt like what she heard or it was a hit and run. Quote
Daughter_of_Helaman2709 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Report Posted March 5, 2009 Hi everyone, and thanks for your replies! I've had an absolutely atrocious week, and have been so busy that I haven't had time to sit down and respond. I agree with all of you. My bishop had lunch with me the other day and said "I would never tell you what to do, but I think you really need to be married in the temple." I get it. I'm still dealing with the guilt issue, but once I can get beyond that, consider me single. I know now not only what I want, but also what I need. I know the kind of person I want to become, and the kind of spouse who will help me in that journey. All of you are right in saying that I should leave. Thank you for your honesty. Kate Quote
NeuroTypical Posted March 5, 2009 Report Posted March 5, 2009 I know the kind of person I want to become...Oh man - I love to see wisdom in it's purest form! Good luck DoH!LM Quote
Guest missingsomething Posted March 5, 2009 Report Posted March 5, 2009 Glad you have found peace in your decision... peace in your heart is sure to follow. Quote
Hemidakota Posted March 5, 2009 Report Posted March 5, 2009 Hi everyone, and thanks for your replies!I've had an absolutely atrocious week, and have been so busy that I haven't had time to sit down and respond. I agree with all of you. My bishop had lunch with me the other day and said "I would never tell you what to do, but I think you really need to be married in the temple." I get it. I'm still dealing with the guilt issue, but once I can get beyond that, consider me single. I know now not only what I want, but also what I need. I know the kind of person I want to become, and the kind of spouse who will help me in that journey. All of you are right in saying that I should leave. Thank you for your honesty.KateKate, you can clearly see, we are here to support you and help you; noting the Bishops answer the same line as we put forward on this post. The path taken with Civil marriages usually will not end up in the temple, you deserve better. Quote
jolee65 Posted March 7, 2009 Report Posted March 7, 2009 I hope you have a smooth transition in the adjustments you maybe making in your life. :) Quote
nc31410 Posted March 7, 2009 Report Posted March 7, 2009 I'm so glad you have found your answer! Your life only gets better from here! I wish you the best! -Naysel Quote
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