How/when do I tell my husband?

[Guest queries]

Ok, I'm looking for advice from people who are going through/have gone through a divorce...

You can read the blog post on my profile to get some background. In addition to that, I'll tell you that we have three children, all boys aged 15, 7, and 1.

When my husband told me he'd had enough of my addictions and was taking the kids and moving out, one of my first thoughts was, "What about baby Edie???!!!" He and I have always felt that we have a little girl up in heaven waiting for us. Her name is Eden (Edie). I was so unhappy to think that she now wouldn't have a chance to come to our family.

Of course I've been praying and trying to feel the spirit through this very difficult time... conference this weekend was WONDERFUL, every talk was exactly what I needed and I ate it like a starving man at a feast. I felt the Lord with me and knew that everything would work itself out.

Last night, to my great surprise, I smelled HGH in my urine. Again this morning. Now that might not mean anything at all. But having been through it four times, I think it very well might mean that Edie is coming after all.

So of course I am anxiously awaiting Monday morning so I can run to the store and buy a pregnancy test, but supposing it is positive... my question for those of you who have been through a divorce is this. How and when do I tell my husband? This decision was very, very hard on him. I want him to be happy. I'm leaning towards not telling him until he is stable in his decision to leave. I am worried that if I tell him right away, he will think I'm trying to manipulate him into staying.

What do you think?

[SirWilcomb]

Do you want him to leave?

[Guest queries]

Do you want him to leave?

In a perfect world, no. I'd like to fix things and have a celestial marriage.

But ultimately, I want him to be happy. And right now he is very unhappy, and hurt, and angry, and betrayed... and plans to leave.

[GingerGolden]

hmmm...

I can understand how you feel about not wanting to make it seem as though some type of manipulation.

After 3 children, surely he knows what a positive pregnancy test stick looks like.

Show it to him and talk with him as soon as you find out if it's positive.

Personally, I think that would be better than withholding the information.

Knowing all the information or having all the cards laid out on the table is essential to making the best decisions, don't you think?

However, follow your heart.

[foreverafter]

queries,

I realize that you have abused (addictions are abuse) your husband with your addiction but the fact remains that if he was keeping his covenants of marriage, he would be madly in love with you no matter what you were doing & he could never think of divorce or leaving you. If you are a danger to him or the children he may need to live apart from you but it does not sound like you are, but I don't know the nature of your addiction. But even from a safe physical distance most of the time, he can & should still continue to love & serve your every good desire & wish, thus inspiring you, by his love & help, to finally overcome your addiction.

If he divorces you and moves on he will regret it for all eternity. Though he may find temporary relief & pleasure with someone else for awhile, it will fade & he will come to see the pain & destruction he brought on you & the children by destroying & ending the marriage. The greatest happiness is in keeping our covenants & saving our spouse if they need saving one day. As Pres. Hinckley said, If he wants to be happy now & in the future, he must put your needs, welfare & happiness before his own, even if you may not deserve it. You must also put his needs, happiness & welfare 1st before your own & give up this addiction no matter how hard it is, & make your husband happy & your children happy & then that will make you happy. If he is threatening to leave & says he is tired of it all, than he has not kept his covenants to you either. The Prophets say that if we were keeping our covenants we would never grow tired of our spouse & desire to leave the marriage. The prophets plead with us to NEVER give up on our spouse, especially in the hard times when they are not keeping their covenants to us. We must remember that marriage is for eternity, not till one gets tired of the burdens of their spouse.

If he divorces you & puts his happiness above your's & the children's, then he will be hurting the children for all eternity, the Prophets say. They have a right to an intact family, even if it's not perfect, & the Prophets say he will be robbing those children of that right & blessing. Though yes, he must protect the children & keep them at a safe distance if they are not safe with you, but that does not mean he needs to end the marriage or stop giving you love & service. The children's needs always must come before a parents needs or desires. And your children want their own Daddy & Mommy to be together & love each other. Children's #1 need is an eternal family with the Mother & Father they love. And even just one faithful parent can make that happen & eventually save the whole family. Divorce destroys children, even justified divorce. They lose their faith & belief in True Love. Which is Charity, the greatest thing we need to learn here on earth. Children of divorce usually just go on to do the same as their parents & put their needs 1st above their spouses & children & leave their spouse & break their marriage covenants when hard times come. Divorce affects generations.

When we are abused, like your husband probably feels he is, it is impossible to not become abusive ourselves (like he is in wanting to leave you & break his covenants of marriage) IF we don't turn to God for the strength & True Love that will give us the desire & ability to forgive & love the one who abused us. (Though of course we must protect ourselves if our life is in danger) But just because we must protect ourselves does not mean we should break our covenants & end the marriage. That would be as selfish as the abuse we are running from.

The test of this life is not to see if we can love those who love us, or who are easy to love & not abusive or adulterous etc., (even devils can do that) But Christ taught that we must love those who abuse us (though we must protect ourselves as we can) & use us & hate us. This is the real test. Those who are righteous have True Love for their spouse, the kind that never gives up or ends, no matter what.

Please do all you can to overcome your addictions, for your children's & spouse's sake if nothing else. Your eternal happiness hangs in the balance. You can do it, pray for the strength & it will come. Love & serve your husband & make him happy by serving his every wish all day long. Doing that will help give you the love & stength you need to overcome your addiction. If he does the same for you he will develop True Love for you that will help him endure & help you overcome your addictions.

Edited April 5, 2009 by foreverafter

[winterstar]

I'm not sure of your background, but I'd like to share a little insight.

My husband comes from a background where it was OK to smoke pot in the home. This lead him to selling for awhile. He walked away from that when he fell in love with me. He joined the church, but giving up an occassional joint with friends has proved extremely hard on him, so he's inactive. (never completed the new member discussions even.) It pains me. I have ached. But over several years of suffering, sadness and prayers I came to realize that I'd never walk away from my own child who had a drug problem. My husband deserves the same. My children deserve to have their father in their lives.

I'd show your husband the positive test. Maybe counceling will help. Meanwhile, pray for your husband, as well as for your self that you can over come your addictions. Then keep at it. Regardless of what your husband decides, you and your kids will be blessed for your overcoming your addictions.

[Wingnut]

Last night, to my great surprise, I smelled HGH in my urine.

You mean hCG?

[Guest missingsomething]

Que -I think you need to be honest with him... I mean you arent manipulating him when it takes two to tango. Dont withhold.

But in response to a previous post...I dont think the church intends for anyone to just keep putting up with a spouse who will not compromise - so I think you need to ask yourself - is it him leaving you or did YOU leave him long ago? For the most part, it seems like he has tried from what you have said - thats why I wonder if this isnt what *you* want.

Personally - I would do anything to keep my kids with me. The saviors love is strong and powerful and can overcome anything.

I love ya que - I really do - I think that if Heavenly Father has blessed you with your daughter - you need to show true love and devotion to your husband and give up chat. and any other addictions that you have that I may not know about. And seek counseling - the church has 2 programs highlighted in Feb ensign - marriage workbooks. And inbtwn conference they mentioned the church also has a 12 step program to overcome addictions of any kind.... you need to seriously look into that. I believe they said go to familyservices.lds.org but I am not 100% sure.

Also, seek to find the deeper reason behind your addictions - what are you craving that your husband can help to provide or help fulfill in ways other than those that are tearing your family apart. I know that a marriage falling apart is not one sided, but you need to strive to give 110%. And both of you need to find a way to forgive. I am so sorry you are going through this my dear que!

Que I dont know your situation, and I hesitate to write like this because I don't want you to think Iam not a friend - but I have a strong feeling I must - if you allow your husband to walk away because you are not able to give up your addiction - the loss of your family will weigh heavy on you. Your eternal happiness is at stake. I would encourage you to take stalk and find discover your "missing somethings" and then prayfully go to your husband to find a way to fulfill them.

But que, if you can honestly say in your heart that you have done this... then pray for the confirmation that this is the write choice.

And by the way.. you can SMELL the pregnancy hormone? WOW girl.. you have a gift... you should market that! lol.

Good luck que...good luck.

[Guest queries]

You mean hCG?

Oh... is that what it is? Usually I do my homework before throwing stuff like that out. Yeah, that pregnancy hormone thing. I've only had four pregnancies and can smell it long before I've missed a period. Don't know if I could pick it up for anyone else though miss!

[Guest queries]

Hey everybody thanks for the thoughts so far. I'm agreeing with what you are all saying, especially in light of the fact that Mr Q likes honesty at all costs, so withholding won't be appreciated, no matter my intent. I'll let you know how the test comes out. This might all be a false alarm.

And thanks especially for all the advice on keeping the marriage together. I didn't even know my problems were addictions until this week when I realized that I couldn't promise him "it" wouldn't happen again, even under the threat of him leaving. There are church-run 12-step programs in my area that I plan on attending. TomK has some really great posts as a recovering addict about how the only solution is to let the Savior heal you, and I believe this and have faith that He can and will.

I'm gonna digest some of the other great insights in your posts and comment back as I think them through. Thank you all so much. I really appreciate not being alone to deal with this.

[Guest queries]

False alarm!!! The test was negative. So much for my bloodhound nose... hee hee hee...

I'm glad though, I wanted to talk about it anyway, so still, thanks.

[Wingnut]

Oh... is that what it is? Usually I do my homework before throwing stuff like that out. Yeah, that pregnancy hormone thing. I've only had four pregnancies and can smell it long before I've missed a period. Don't know if I could pick it up for anyone else though miss!

HGH is human growth hormone, commonly referred to in professional sports steroid scandals.

hCG is human chorionic gonadotropin, the pregnancy hormone.

[Guest queries]

queries,

If he divorces you and moves on he will regret it for all eternity.

The children's needs always must come before a parents needs or desires. And your children want their own Daddy & Mommy to be together & love each other. Children's #1 need is an eternal family with the Mother & Father they love. And even just one faithful parent can make that happen & eventually save the whole family.

When we are abused, like your husband probably feels he is, it is impossible to not become abusive ourselves (like he is in wanting to leave you & break his covenants of marriage) IF we don't turn to God for the strength & True Love that will give us the desire & ability to forgive & love the one who abused us.

The test of this life is not to see if we can love those who love us, or who are easy to love & not abusive or adulterous etc., (even devils can do that)

foreverafter, thank you so, so much for this. There is so much wisdom here that I totally understand now. I agree that he will regret it if he goes through with this. I still have a shred of hope that he will not - maybe my love for him will come in time, and he might be turned.

He has been saying that we need to focus on healing our kids, as if he needs to sacrifice our relationship and marriage to save them from me...

Very well said about "abuse." I can see now that if I had been able to love him more fully, my perceived "abuses" from him (things like lack of attention, self-centeredness, pride, lack of love and respect) would have been healed by Christ and I could have forgiven him and loved him fully anyway. Instead, I abused because he abused, which made him abuse more, which made me abuse more. And here we are.

I can totally see that with Charity, Love, the Savior, all things are possible. Thanks so much for sharing these ideas with me.

Edited April 6, 2009 by queries

[Guest queries]

I dont think the church intends for anyone to just keep putting up with a spouse who will not compromise - so I think you need to ask yourself - is it him leaving you or did YOU leave him long ago? For the most part, it seems like he has tried from what you have said - thats why I wonder if this isnt what *you* want.

Also, seek to find the deeper reason behind your addictions - what are you craving that your husband can help to provide or help fulfill in ways other than those that are tearing your family apart. I know that a marriage falling apart is not one sided, but you need to strive to give 110%. And both of you need to find a way to forgive. I am so sorry you are going through this my dear que!

That first one hits me hard, because it is true that a part of me is very cheerful and feels free! free! free! no longer in chains. Is that a terrible thing to feel? I don't understand it yet and am still introspecting on it. We were looking at some recovery sites, where they talk about marriages dying and needing to be rebuilt... he said he thought our marriage had died long ago, that I had left him long before that, even though we are both still here. And I thought, no wonder I'm cheerful. The corpse of our marriage, that we have lived with for many many many years, is finally getting taken out to the trash.

The second one, I think I understand. Mr Q has told me that I am missing something he cannot provide, and he thinks I will go on seeking it forever. I think it is, of course, the Love of God. I have some ideas about that and will blog about it tomorrow. :)

[Hemidakota]

queries,

I realize that you have abused (addictions are abuse) your husband with your addiction but the fact remains that if he was keeping his covenants of marriage, he would be madly in love with you no matter what you were doing & he could never think of divorce or leaving you. If you are a danger to him or the children he may need to live apart from you but it does not sound like you are, but I don't know the nature of your addiction. But even from a safe physical distance most of the time, he can & should still continue to love & serve your every good desire & wish, thus inspiring you, by his love & help, to finally overcome your addiction.

If he divorces you and moves on he will regret it for all eternity. Though he may find temporary relief & pleasure with someone else for awhile, it will fade & he will come to see the pain & destruction he brought on you & the children by destroying & ending the marriage. The greatest happiness is in keeping our covenants & saving our spouse if they need saving one day. As Pres. Hinckley said, If he wants to be happy now & in the future, he must put your needs, welfare & happiness before his own, even if you may not deserve it. You must also put his needs, happiness & welfare 1st before your own & give up this addiction no matter how hard it is, & make your husband happy & your children happy & then that will make you happy. If he is threatening to leave & says he is tired of it all, than he has not kept his covenants to you either. The Prophets say that if we were keeping our covenants we would never grow tired of our spouse & desire to leave the marriage. The prophets plead with us to NEVER give up on our spouse, especially in the hard times when they are not keeping their covenants to us. We must remember that marriage is for eternity, not till one gets tired of the burdens of their spouse.

If he divorces you & puts his happiness above your's & the children's, then he will be hurting the children for all eternity, the Prophets say. They have a right to an intact family, even if it's not perfect, & the Prophets say he will be robbing those children of that right & blessing. Though yes, he must protect the children & keep them at a safe distance if they are not safe with you, but that does not mean he needs to end the marriage or stop giving you love & service. The children's needs always must come before a parents needs or desires. And your children want their own Daddy & Mommy to be together & love each other. Children's #1 need is an eternal family with the Mother & Father they love. And even just one faithful parent can make that happen & eventually save the whole family. Divorce destroys children, even justified divorce. They lose their faith & belief in True Love. Which is Charity, the greatest thing we need to learn here on earth. Children of divorce usually just go on to do the same as their parents & put their needs 1st above their spouses & children & leave their spouse & break their marriage covenants when hard times come. Divorce affects generations.

When we are abused, like your husband probably feels he is, it is impossible to not become abusive ourselves (like he is in wanting to leave you & break his covenants of marriage) IF we don't turn to God for the strength & True Love that will give us the desire & ability to forgive & love the one who abused us. (Though of course we must protect ourselves if our life is in danger) But just because we must protect ourselves does not mean we should break our covenants & end the marriage. That would be as selfish as the abuse we are running from.

The test of this life is not to see if we can love those who love us, or who are easy to love & not abusive or adulterous etc., (even devils can do that) But Christ taught that we must love those who abuse us (though we must protect ourselves as we can) & use us & hate us. This is the real test. Those who are righteous have True Love for their spouse, the kind that never gives up or ends, no matter what.

Please do all you can to overcome your addictions, for your children's & spouse's sake if nothing else. Your eternal happiness hangs in the balance. You can do it, pray for the strength & it will come. Love & serve your husband & make him happy by serving his every wish all day long. Doing that will help give you the love & stength you need to overcome your addiction. If he does the same for you he will develop True Love for you that will help him endure & help you overcome your addictions.

Excellent answer….

[Elgama]

queries,

I realize that you have abused (addictions are abuse) your husband with your addiction but the fact remains that if he was keeping his covenants of marriage, he would be madly in love with you no matter what you were doing & he could never think of divorce or leaving you. If you are a danger to him or the children he may need to live apart from you but it does not sound like you are, but I don't know the nature of your addiction. But even from a safe physical distance most of the time, he can & should still continue to love & serve your every good desire & wish, thus inspiring you, by his love & help, to finally overcome your addiction.

.

sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a partner is to walk away- when my husband went through his depression the best decision I made was to make him prove to me our marriage was worth saving, that was not going to work if I was not absolutely prepared to leave him that night........... the ball was placed in his court and he worked to put our lives back together

I love my husband deeply and I am intensely proud of him, but sometimes the best way to help a partner or person over an addiction is to take that step back. We have the Holy Ghost for situations like this

-Charley

[foreverafter]

He has been saying that we need to focus on healing our kids, as if he needs to sacrifice our relationship and marriage to save them from me...

Very well said about "abuse." I can see now that if I had been able to love him more fully, my perceived "abuses" from him (things like lack of attention, self-centeredness, pride, lack of love and respect) would have been healed by Christ and I could have forgiven him and loved him fully anyway. Instead, I abused because he abused, which made him abuse more, which made me abuse more. And here we are.

queries,

His saying that he wants to protect the kids & help them heal is almost surely just an excuse to leave. It sounds like he tried to get you to leave him by his abusiveness & coldness so he wouldn't look bad, but now he wants to leave & just needs an excuse. When wives abuse their husbands or become addicted to something, it is almost always in response to & a self-defense from their husbands abuse.

For him to think divorce won't hurt the kids & it will help them heal is usually completely wrong. Divorce is usually one of the most severe forms of Child & Spouse Abuse, although there are rare times were the divorce is a lesser abuse than the abuse that is going on. But I doubt that is your case, especially if he is abusive also as it sounds like he is. If he has been abusive to you by the things you listed above, lack of attention, self-centeredness, pride, lack of love & respect, all of which are usually abuse, then he is in no way justified to leave the marriage or you or be able to heal the kids. He more likely just wants more control & to hurt you more. Sad to say.

You needn't worry that any forced divorce will end your marriage, since he is not innocent himself & also abusive, it will be totally invalid to God (So says the Prophets) & you will still be husband & wife 100%, no matter if he goes on to commit Adultery by dating or remarrying for this life. He is still yours if you want him someday & if you repent of your abuses & addictions. You still have time & someday Heavenly Father will help you put everything back together again & help truely heal your children & marriage, if he decides to leave. He will return one day to you & make it all up to you throughout eternity for all his abuses & prideful lack of love. Cling to your marriage covenants & be loving & faithful to him no matter what he does & you will be rewarded with all your heart desires some day.

I can tell you have a wonderful heart & spirit. You are a Queen & his #1 responsibility in this life is love & serve you & treat you as such. Your weaknesses I'm sure are mostly a wife's common reactions to a husband's many forms of abuse.

Edited April 7, 2009 by foreverafter

[Tarnished]

I am sorry but this has been bothering me for quite some time now. What do you have against men? You claim that women are excused in their abuse of their husbands because it is often brought about by the husband being abusive himself. And yet in another post you claim that any abuse should be punished by excommunication. I am confused, why is there a double standard between men and women? Before I committed my affair I felt as if my husband did not care for me, that he did not give me enough attention, etc. and yet after the affair when “I” made an effort to change I discovered that the way he “seemed” to be treating me changed as well. But truthfully he was not being abusive at all, I felt that I needed things when really I just wanted them and I made my happiness the reason for why I turned to someone else. Truthfully unless you have actually had an affair and are on the repenting side of things I don’t think you really know what it is like. You can only assume.

I am not saying that Queries should not be comforted, from what it sounds like she is really trying her hardest to change herself and keep herself on the path to forgiveness. However, she was the one who chose to break the “trust” rule that she and her husband had set up, and by doing so she broke his trust. He made his choices from there. Were his choices right? Some could say yes, some could say no. Truthfully I believe he should stay with his wife, I believe that by working together they could save things, but it requires work on both sides and from what it sounds like it will also require a renewal of trust. Funny thing about trust, it is easy to destroy and very difficult to rebuild.

At this point truthfully if her husband goes through the proper channels and has the sealing broken then no, he is not committing adultery.

My heart goes out to Queries, as I have gone through similar situations I understand where she is coming from and my heart breaks for her. But I think we must understand that we are not getting the whole story and by vilifying the husband we are doing him a disservice.

[foreverafter]

Tarnished,

I understand your questions & maybe I need to be clearer that even if a wife's abuse is a reaction of her husband's abuse (as most wife's abuse is) it surely does not make it right. Love should be our reaction to abuse, though, as I have pointed out, that is rare & only possible if one turns to God for the strength & love to do so. Both spouses need to repent if they abuse the other in any way. Abuse is always wrong, whether it's a reaction or not. But the Prophets do say that it is the nature of most all men to become abusive & looking at history we see that this is so. I believe that this is why Pres. Hinckley said that most divorces are the man's fault.

I agree that I do not have the whole story here but Abuse is a cookie cutter thing, many similar elements are present whatever the situation. Pride & an abusive mentality is just that way. So when someone is mentioning the telltale signs of abuse, it usually means it's not only true by worse than they are letting on or worse than even the wife herself is usually willing to admit. Most abused wives are in denial to how abusive their husbands really are or have been. They simply don't want to see it as abuse.

Also, the only way for him to really break the sealing & not commit Adultery by breaking his marriage vows & divorcing would be if he was completely innocent of any abuse himself. You must be innocent (not perfect but not abusive in any way) to be justified to divorce & move on. It is very rare for one spouse to be so innocent, which is why the Prophets say a justified divorce is "rare", even though Abuse & Adultery & Addictions are not rare but rampant. He would also have to have kept his covenants to have True Love for his wife if he was innocent, which the Prophets say if he did would mean he would never want a divorce, for True Love never ends or gives up on their spouse, they would rather die 1st. So, he seems to be telling on himself.

Edited April 7, 2009 by foreverafter

[jadams_4040]

Ok, I'm looking for advice from people who are going through/have gone through a divorce...

You can read the blog post on my profile to get some background. In addition to that, I'll tell you that we have three children, all boys aged 15, 7, and 1.

When my husband told me he'd had enough of my addictions and was taking the kids and moving out, one of my first thoughts was, "What about baby Edie???!!!" He and I have always felt that we have a little girl up in heaven waiting for us. Her name is Eden (Edie). I was so unhappy to think that she now wouldn't have a chance to come to our family.

Of course I've been praying and trying to feel the spirit through this very difficult time... conference this weekend was WONDERFUL, every talk was exactly what I needed and I ate it like a starving man at a feast. I felt the Lord with me and knew that everything would work itself out.

Last night, to my great surprise, I smelled HGH in my urine. Again this morning. Now that might not mean anything at all. But having been through it four times, I think it very well might mean that Edie is coming after all.

So of course I am anxiously awaiting Monday morning so I can run to the store and buy a pregnancy test, but supposing it is positive... my question for those of you who have been through a divorce is this. How and when do I tell my husband? This decision was very, very hard on him. I want him to be happy. I'm leaning towards not telling him until he is stable in his decision to leave. I am worried that if I tell him right away, he will think I'm trying to manipulate him into staying.

What do you think?

Are you admitting to addictions? if so then this is probably where you need to look first.:)

[Faded]

He would also have to have kept his covenants to have True Love for his wife if he was innocent, which the Prophets say if he did would mean he would never want a divorce, for True Love never ends or gives up on their spouse, they would rather die 1st. So, he seems to be telling on himself.

When Jesus Christ gave the Higher Law on marriage, he said that unless there is adultery, men and women should not divorce. He never claimed that a man or a woman must stay in a marriage with an unfaithful spouse. Remember, this was a significant change. Before the ministry of Christ, a man could divorce his wife for pretty much anything. Christ limited it to adultery. But Christ absolutely positively did not say that a man should remain with an unfaithful wife and that a woman should remain with an unfaithful husband. Clearly, He knew perfectly well how destructive and devastating this is to a marriage partner. I keep seeing you come back to this mystical combination of words, "True Love" and that if any man has True Love then he will cheerfully stay married to a woman no matter what. Likely, this means that the man must stay with his wife even after multiple unsuccessful attempts on her part to murder him. But where are you getting this concept from? It is making me more and more puzzled and I'm trying to understand where you're getting all of this. While it sounds fine and well in a fairy tale, it's a massive distortion from actual reality and it seems incredibly unrealistic.

[foreverafter]

He never claimed that a man or a woman must stay in a marriage with an unfaithful spouse.

Christ may have justified divorce for Adultery, but he never said we "should" divorce if under those circumstances. Justified does not mean "Should" only "Could" without some of the negatives consequences usually pretaining to divorce. The Prophets have spoken for him in greater detail & told us that even justified divorces still have major consequences, on the children & their loss of their right to an intact family & even the justified spouse may lose many eternal blessings & sealings, especially to the children. We are promised the sealing to our children only if we keep our covenants & stay married to our spouse. Christ has plead with us over & over through his Prophets to have unconditional Christlike True Love for our spouse, & never give up on them or break our covenants to them, no matter what, even if they are wicked. Because eventually everything can be set right & healed & spouses repent & make amends. Yes, the Lord may let us divorce in rare instances, & lose some of our greatest eternal blessings for breaking our covenants but that does not mean he wants us to. But he does give us that choice.

I know this sounds like a hard thing & huge sacrifice to stay married to someone who is unfaithful etc, but as Elder Witsoe said, Sacrifice is the evidence of True Love. You must remember that the marriage is about your spouse's & children's happiness not yours & if keeping your covenants to them can help save them some day, even in the next life, then that is what a righteous person would do, even though it would be lonely, painful & hard. It would still be worth it. For surely a wicked spouse will need saving, most do not repent in this life & yes, the sealing power is that strong. The Marriage Covenant & sealing is for saving our spouse & children.

Likely, this means that the man must stay with his wife even after multiple unsuccessful attempts on her part to murder him.

I have said repeatedly that a spouse must protect themself if they are in danger & may not be able to live with a spouse who is trying to harm them, but they in no way have to break their covenants in order to protect themselves. There are many ways a spouse can continue to love & serve their wicked spouse & help the repent, if even from a safe distance. But that is a rare situation.

[Faded]

An unrepentant spouse giving up on a marriage is not very uncommon at all, unfortunately.

The truth of the matter is not setting a rule of "never give up." The truth is, the Lord will tell you when you have given enough. The Lord will not condemn you for giving up when the sins of your spouse exceed your ability to handle. The world says you can walk out anytime for any reason. The Lord says differently, but the Lord does not say that you cannot walk away. He simply sets the bar higher.

Lovely quote you have there. Are you going to tell us where you got it? I don't disagree with the contents of it as general rules, wherever it is from. A lot of the wording seems off to me, but it's hard to tell since we don't know where it came from. But it does not command that one must stay in the marriage. It makes the case that there are times when you probably should. I don't disagree with that in the least. But bear in mind that there are times when you CAN walk away. There are also times when you SHOULD walk away. Only the Lord can tell you when that is.

Edited April 7, 2009 by Faded

[Tarnished]

Queries, I want to make sure I have the story correct.

Early in your marriage (a few years in) you found yourself becoming attracted to men other than your husband. You found yourself chatting with other men online and participating in online romances through chat programs. This led to you being unfaithful to your husband, I don’t know to what extent as you have not specified but you did mention being unfaithful. About five years ago through the help of your husband and your bishop you confessed your sins and repented of your unfaithfulness. You and your husband began to work hard on rebuilding your relationship. Part of this was creating a “trust rule” of no chatting online. This trust rule allowed your husband to rebuild his trust in you after you had broken his trust by being unfaithful. You both started really working on your marriage, including weekly dates, daily scripture study and prayers, and for him, less time spent on the TV and more time spent with you. After five years of doing very well you both started to slack off on your commitments. He started watching more TV again, your dates, scripture study and daily prayer fell by the wayside, and you started feeling the lure of internet chatting and socialization again. You found the lds.net site and found their chat area. You logged on and chatted with a few people, rationalizing that as the site was innocent and because the rule was your husband’s and not God’s that you were ok in what you were doing. When you told your husband he overreacted, becoming very upset about the whole thing. At first he calmed down a bit but after some time to think on it all he has decided to leave you and take the children with him.

This is where we are now. Is this correct? If not please correct me, I want to make sure I have the story right here.

If this is correct then I want to make a few observations:

1. When you first sinned you created a trust rule with your husband so that he could rebuild his trust in you. When you decided to break that rule you also chose to break all the trust you had built up with him over those five years. Because of this he doesn’t know what he can trust from you, he does not know if what you tell him are lies or actual truths. When you tell him that you are doing nothing wrong he does not have the foundation of trust to be able to believe you.

2. Based on this loss of trust I have to wonder about his reasons for wanting to leave. If he is questioning whether or not you are in contact with old boyfriends and is wondering whether you are being unfaithful again then might he want to leave so as to not go through the experience again? Only you know what kind of agony he went through previously, might he want to spare himself and his children from reliving that agony again?

Now this is not to say that he is right in his choice. From what you have said you have not sinned again, instead you are trying not to sin and are trying to get your life back on the right track. However, please consider that you are the one who broke the trust and to repair your marriage at this point you would need to find some way to rebuild that trust again. Trust is so very fragile, it takes so little to shatter it and it takes so long to rebuild it. Again as I have said before, my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you, I understand so well what you are going through. I pray that you do not take offense to anything I have said but instead see the spirit I am trying to say it in.

[bert10]

Well Give him my post...And instead of giving you what I think I will give you what I know.

These below are the Standard of Living Life for them who are of God.

1. A divorce on the earth is not necessarily a divorce in heaven. Once God has joined a man and a woman Spiritually....no one can sever that bond until God does it Himself.

2. Unconditional Love is first an act of will...and it will dispel frustrations, anger and it will instill patience and not compel nor force our spouse in any manner. And later a man will become what he thinks. As a man thinketh so is he. So after a while a Man will know only Love for his wife and see only the good.

-------------------------------

3. The Husband/Father...is responsible and accountable to God.

a. Physical upkeep and safety of the family.

b. Spiritual teaching for the family and children.

c. Happiness of the Family.

If a man remarries after he divorces his wife...and God has not told that He can do so...He commits adultery. For God did say let no man put asunder what God has joined. And also cause His wife to commit adultery if she remarries. And her sins in a great degree are added to his.

P/s....Jesus said that He was married to us...and calls us back after we have backslid even in our adulteries...can a man refuse to do as the Lord as done and think that the Lord will forgiven him?

Jeremiah 3:14 - Turn, O backsliding children, saith the LORD; for I am married unto you: and I will take you one of a city, and two of a family, and I will bring you to Zion:

After he has digested this post ....I think you can tell. Oh yeah...do not forget to thank and praise the Lord for every mishaps and feelings and accidents in your life experiences. For all these things are permitted by God.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Ok, I'm looking for advice from people who are going through/have gone through a divorce...

You can read the blog post on my profile to get some background. In addition to that, I'll tell you that we have three children, all boys aged 15, 7, and 1.

When my husband told me he'd had enough of my addictions and was taking the kids and moving out, one of my first thoughts was, "What about baby Edie???!!!" He and I have always felt that we have a little girl up in heaven waiting for us. Her name is Eden (Edie). I was so unhappy to think that she now wouldn't have a chance to come to our family.

Of course I've been praying and trying to feel the spirit through this very difficult time... conference this weekend was WONDERFUL, every talk was exactly what I needed and I ate it like a starving man at a feast. I felt the Lord with me and knew that everything would work itself out.

Last night, to my great surprise, I smelled HGH in my urine. Again this morning. Now that might not mean anything at all. But having been through it four times, I think it very well might mean that Edie is coming after all.

So of course I am anxiously awaiting Monday morning so I can run to the store and buy a pregnancy test, but supposing it is positive... my question for those of you who have been through a divorce is this. How and when do I tell my husband? This decision was very, very hard on him. I want him to be happy. I'm leaning towards not telling him until he is stable in his decision to leave. I am worried that if I tell him right away, he will think I'm trying to manipulate him into staying.

What do you think?

Edited April 8, 2009 by bert10