i have to vent about cheating!!!

[blusun7]

Okay i dont know where this needs to go but i have to vent.Not necessarily advice but input could be used for all.

Why do married people cheat?I ll tell you what got me to this thread im making.

So i am a manager for a big company and we had to hire associates for remodel we are undergoing. Well there are a couple of cute woman there is one particular that is cute blah blah blah right? Well we joke around and stuff flirt he and there i think it is innoncent as i have a girlfriend myself. I havnet said anything out of the ordinary as every one is joking around about who is hot,cute,best eyes. who is the funniest.This is all between the associates who voluntarily tell us the managers to cut up. Well i should of clued in. As this one girl(we will call jesse for naming person)says "i voted for you" and ask for what"hottest guy" im not gonna lie i got a little flattered who wouldnt right. So from then on we give our orders get things done cut up with eachother and i cut up with all my associates to make them feel good about work.

Well three month later we are working and out of no where she cracks a joke about me.I forget what she said but she says"you dont get it" and i say "get what" Then im like "Oh.. i get it i think" she says" i really like you and cant stop thinking of you while at home.I have never had these feelings for another guy.I think about you all the time even during(you know what) so i say

"Wait a minute you married. This isnt something to be taken lightly. Your married and i have a girl. What ever the situation may be in your home i wont put you or I in the position to commit such an act. I dont know you husband but i know that he and you dont deserve to be hurt and i am know home wrecker. There is always a point in a relationship where your will decide what you need to do. Like i said i wont ever put you or me in a position to cheat. It is wrong. i am religious and there is a line to draw. That is the line. Once your married your committed until you decide what to do with you life.I dont want drama."

After that is was time for them to leave a clock out. I passed her by and she says that i looked sexy. I feel flattered but you know what i can see where people cheat.

Satan is telling me to do it but i feel another spirit saying no!!! I know just one wrong decision and i would be on the wong side of the fence.

SO this is what i want to say to people like this.

Stop being selfish!!! Stop falling into a mindset that love and marriage is perfect and will pan out like the movies or the stories you here. IT wont. Love is work. Period. There is always going to be vultures lurking after you. There is always going to be better looking people but if your intention with your current partner are to grab the prettiest girl your are lusting and my friend will lust more. Pick your partner correctly and you wont have this problem. People married now cause of lust. There is no love or cause they have to..Stop doing that. And if you are a cheater now stop it.No body deserves to be hurt cause you want that new toy in the toy store. What happens with toys that come out years later.Are you going to collect them every year. come on grow up!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tarnished]

People cheat for many different reason, but really it all comes down to lust. Very often lust can feel like love, or what we might think love feels like, but if we were really in love with someone then we would never want to hurt them in the way that having an affair will hurt them. However, this is where Satan steps in, and he is so good at this, we begin to feel that "new relationship high" and we feel lust and Satan helps us tell ourselves that it is love.

This world is a strange place, many people out there don't have such a big problem with cheating. There are many people who cheated or slept around while dating, people who didn't see a reason or a need to save themselves for marriage. When these people get married they can sometimes find it difficult to leave that other lifestyle behind. This and the fact that for many there really is little to no problem that comes from it. They can often hide it from their spouse. And the sad thing is there are many people in today's world that see an affair as something that happens, something everyone goes through. For members of the LDS church having an affair is a much more serious sin and it comes with severe penalties. However, no matter who you are or what you believe having an affair causes severe damage to the family.

I had an affair a little under a year ago. I wasn't planning on it, I wasn't even looking for it, I met a man online and we became good friends. Over time he began to flirt with me, and I feeling that double pull between Satan and the Spirit choose the wrong path and flirted back. Over the course of the year our flirtations grew until he came out to visit my husband and me for a month and during that time we had an affair. I have been in hell ever since. I let go of the man and cut contact with him, I confessed to my husband and my bishop and I have been working on the repentance process. But realizing what I did, to my own spiritual progression, to my husband the man I really love, it is agonizing. I know the pull between Satan and the Spirit quite well, as I struggled with it for a year, and after giving in to the wrong side too many times the pull from the Spirit side becomes weaker until it is hardly there. Don't let that happen. My affair is the thing I regret most in life, if I could go back I would do everything to keep it from happening.

[beefche]

Well we joke around and stuff flirt he and there i think it is innoncent as i have a girlfriend myself. [/quote}

My comment is that if anyone is in a committed relationship, then no other flirting should be going on. That's where cheating starts...innocent comments, accidental touches on the arm or leg, he/she really listens to me, etc.

If you want to flirt with other women, then don't be in a committed relationship. I understand she is a "girlfriend" and not a fiancee, but if the 2 of you have an understanding that you are not dating other people, then IMO flirting with other people is out as well.

And regarding how the woman continues to talk to you....don't let her. If you really want to stop her from being tempted to cheat with you (and tempting you to cheat), then when she makes an inappropriate comment, tell her. That's inappropriate and I don't appreciate it, then walk away. Avoid being alone with her, and avoid talking to her unless it's about work.

[talisyn]

Sexual harassment isn't something done only by guys, you know.

[siouxz72]

Amen, Talisyn! And beefche is right... if you're in a committed relationship then flirting with others outside of that relationship is no bueno. And yes, I have learned that the hard way....so, maybe you should alter the way you "cut up" with your employees so as to avoid that kind of thing. And tell her that when she says stuff like that to you that it makes you uncomfortable. If it continues, talk to someone higher up about removing her from your immediate supervision. *just my two cents*

[Guest]

I don't mind light flirting, BUT, you have to make sure before you play that game that EVERYBODY knows your commitment to your wife/husband and that you know the person you are flirting with is just as committed to his/her relationship.

This kind of game can go easily out of hand if you don't set the rules beforehand.

[blusun7]

Everyone flirts but i guess i dont flirt the way you think. It more like making some one laugh. I dont touch her or anything like that or play fight nor have i used an verbal flirting such as "you look great today" blah blah blah. I just make her laugh. I like to make alot of people laugh.

I love my girl and thats why im venting cause people misconstrue simple communication skills. It is like you cant be friends with someone because its like every person you meet has to be something to you and it is stupid. That is what im most venting about.I can see how people can mess up. I have problems but im dealing with them but she went overboard when she says she thinks of me.I didnt think it was like that. You know.

[Faded]

Especially after marriage, all flirting should and must be off-limits. Making close friendships with women is a great idea before marriage. It's a recipe for disaster after. You should avoid close friendships with women after marriage and women should avoid close friendships with men after marriage. Both should absolutely avoid being alone with the opposite sex that is not their spouse or their family.

She probably didn't set such rules for herself going into marriage. Most people don't. Marriage is filled with ups and downs. We're particularly vulnerable on the downs in a marriage. It sounds like this coworker took some of the flirtatious seeming chit-chat amongst coworkers as an invitation to express her romantic interest in you. It may have been what got her thinking about "of all the people at work, who would I cheat with if I was to cheat on my husband." It's possible that she's had a crush on you for longer than that, and she's now got an excuse to be open about it. So you are right in your thinking that it has gone too far. Set aside your feelings of being flattered. That's just a distraction from what you need to make clear to her -- that her statements and overtures are not welcome. It is unfortunate that the "who's the hottest coworker" set a sort of precedent that it was okay to talk about such things.

Falling into lust is extremely easy for anyone to do if you leave your guard down.

[MarginOfError]

Especially after marriage, all flirting should and must be off-limits. Making close friendships with women is a great idea before marriage. It's a recipe for disaster after. You should avoid close friendships with women after marriage and women should avoid close friendships with men after marriage. Both should absolutely avoid being alone with the opposite sex that is not their spouse or their family.

She probably didn't set such rules for herself going into marriage. Most people don't. Marriage is filled with ups and downs. We're particularly vulnerable on the downs in a marriage. It sounds like this coworker took some of the flirtatious seeming chit-chat amongst coworkers as an invitation to express her romantic interest in you. It may have been what got her thinking about "of all the people at work, who would I cheat with if I was to cheat on my husband." It's possible that she's had a crush on you for longer than that, and she's now got an excuse to be open about it. So you are right in your thinking that it has gone too far. Set aside your feelings of being flattered. That's just a distraction from what you need to make clear to her -- that her statements and overtures are not welcome. It is unfortunate that the "who's the hottest coworker" set a sort of precedent that it was okay to talk about such things.

Falling into lust is extremely easy for anyone to do if you leave your guard down.

Married man here...I admit...I'm a pathological flirt. There are many here that can confirm that...missingsomething, cullenh, Elphaba, MissHalfway, Gwen--yup, I've flirted with them all. I even flirt with women at Church, at work, at scouts--I really am just a pathological flirt. I even do it in front of my wife. (and yes, I do flirt with my wife)

The thing is, they all understand that I don't mean anything by it. And if what I do makes them uncomfortable, they know they can tell me and I'll back off some. Some of the women on this site have told me I've gone too far on occasion, and it's never bothered me. That's because the thing that I am trying to communicate with my 'flirting' is that I am aware of them and usually just want to make them smile and laugh.

However, I am also very aware of the trouble this can create. If I ever get the impression that the flirtations are losing their benign nature, I try to distance myself, and I tell my wife immediately (truth be told, I tell my wife about most of the benign flirtations as most of the people I flirt with are common friends).

I could go into a more detailed expo on the stages of relationships, but I'll spare you the boredom. I'll just say that most flirtations, when they occur with innocent intention, usually cannot push a relationship beyond the same stage at which small talk occurs. Relationships don't develop because of flirtations, they develop following disclosure.

If this girl is falling for you, either you've been engaging in an amount of disclosure that has brought you to a more intimate (emotionally) relationship or she has a habit of developing unstable relationships built on an over reliance of the small talk phases of relationship building and not enough of the disclosure phases. My vote is that she doesn't build particularly healthy relationships.

Wow, I meant to make this a fun and light-hearted post and then I suddenly turned serious. I apologize for the fact that there's really no logical progression from one phase to the next. I hope something useful can be gleaned from it anyway.

[beefche]

I cannot disagree more about flirting with anyone if one is in a committed relationship, whether the spouse knows it or not. Why even get close to the line if you don't want to go over it?

[pam]

Married man here...I admit...I'm a pathological flirt. There are many here that can confirm that...missingsomething, cullenh, Elphaba, MissHalfway, Gwen--yup, I've flirted with them all.

Now I feel totally left out. Okay well maybe not totally.

[Guest Lovely12]

I think flirting is a no no and that eventually it can/will lead to trouble. It seems innocent and fun, but I think if you are married or in a committed relationship, then the only person you should flirt with is your spouse. Marriage and family is extremely sacred and is very important to Heavenly Father's plan, and it is my personal opinion that flirting is the work of Satan.

[BenRaines]

Oh man I thought this thread was about taking tests or something.

Ben Raines

[BenRaines]

Pam, he doesn't flirt with women who could be his grandma.

Ben Raines

[Hemidakota]

If you are flirting, you have already crossed the line according to President Spencer W. Kimball. Remember this quote by Alma the Younger;

—These things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins

save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost. Alma 39:5

What I truly do admire about President Kimball's advice, it was 'black and white'. Often, he would comment on how people can innocently start with a thought that festers at first, then progresses to flirtation, and eventually, commit the sexual sin.

Topic of flirtation that President Kimball gave was this -

The final act of adultery is not the only sin. For any man or woman to begin to share affection or romantic interest with any other than the spouse is an almost certain approach to ultimate adultery. There must be no romantic interest, attention, dating, or flirtation of any kind with anyone so long as either of the participating people is still legally married, regardless of the status of that marriage. Indeed, even the thought of adultery is sinful, as Jesus emphasized:

Ye have heard that it "as said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Matt. 5:27-28.)

And again, when Jesus amplified this thought to the Nephites:

Behold, I give unto you a commandment, that ye suffer none of these things to enter into your heart

For it is better that ye should deny yourselves of these things ... than that ye should be cast into hell. (3 Ne. 12:29-30.)

Many of us have various weaknesses and may struggle with a few, but those weaknesses must be kept in-check daily and not to be acted upon.

[Misshalfway]

Follow the Spirit you felt. The truth is in the spirit. And you know, there is a lot of fun and enjoyable interactions to be had with all sorts of people. Being married or in committed relationships doesn't freeze us out of these interactions. I believe that balance is a necessary part of all of this. BUT, the Lord is in the process of raising up his children in righteousness and He will refine His people by leading them to higher ways of interacting with others. Flirting, while fun, CAN cross the line so very easily. It CAN hurt the ones we love and I think sometimes it does compromise ones own integrity. It can call into question the trust we try so hard to establish and maintain inside our marriages and all for what? Some compulsion continue with a selfish indulgence followed by some justifications. I think if you have the Spirit inviting you to a higher way, then I think you have your answer.

Edited May 18, 2009 by Misshalfway