Looking for Help...Is this an affair?

[Akkima]

I am trying to get a grasp on what people who share my standards and beliefs would consider this. In a nut shell my husband was being heavily pursued by a woman he works with she attempted to contact him over 40 times, they did speak appox. 20 times via texts and IM. She made multiple inapporpraite comments and offers. He hit on her about 5 times telling her she was beautiful 3 times and made a couple of inappropriate comments. This lasted about a month. He told her it was wrong and she said that it wasn't , that it was just flirting. He told her he loved me and our kids a few times and to not "go there" a few times. My husband told her to never contact him again that he wanted no part of it. She attempted to contact him 5 more times that we are aware of. However we recently found out that she changed her work schedule so that she would be off the same time as my husband ( while I am away from the house) and that she has been researching me on the net. I feel very uncomfortable with her actions; sometimes I am actually fearful. Do you consider this an affair? What do I do about her? How should I proceed? I do not trust my husband now and feel sick daily. Please help me I never thought this would happen to me/us. Thank you for your input, thoughts and time.

[NeuroTypical]

they did speak appox. 20 times via texts and IM.

He hit on her about 5 times telling her she was beautiful 3 times and made a couple of inappropriate comments.

Not trusting your husband sounds like a good thing at this point. If someone at work did this to me, I'd get a restraining order against her, and work with the company to keep her away from me. Under no circumstances would I ever, ever, flirt with or hit on anyone besides my wife. And I don't text females unless it's only work related.

If you have the funds, you might want to consider getting a PI to see if something is happening. If there is, you can use the PI's evidence in court as you try to protect your kids financially. If there isn't, you can take a breath and relax a bit.

You have kids to protect. You can't be sitting there in shock feeling sorry for yourself.

LM

[Wingnut]

It sounds like your husband is taking appropriate steps to distance himself from this woman, however, he's opened the door, and it can be hard to shut again.

I think Loudmouth's comments about a restraining order and a PI have merit, and you should seriously consider them.

Finally, I'm going to say something that a lot of people are going to disagree with and that I've take a lot of heat for in the past (not here, but elsewhere). When a married man tells a woman other than his wife that she is beautiful, it's not necessarily flirting. It's flirting with danger, and flirting with "the line" but it's not necessarily with intent to pursue. Some men just genuinely believe that women who are beautiful deserve to know that they are, and to be told that.

However, that is not the crux of your problem. It does sound perhaps like your husband may have had some other intent (though it also sounds like he may have thought it was more innocent than in came across), and you now have the issue of a potential stalker.

(Not to make light, but your story reminds me loosely of the plot line of the new movie "Obsessed.")

[FunkyTown]

I wouldn't say it was cheating, but it certainly wasn't innocent. You're due for a bit of a jealous streak in this case. He most likely realized he stepped over the line and was horrified.

I'd say you should realize, "Hey! My husband was tempted. That's terrible." and smack him. Then, you should realize, "Hey! My husband realized he had stepped over the line far before it became a real problem." and then you should hug him.

But this girl? I wouldn't worry too much. Just get your hubby to cut ties to her and she'll forget.

[Guest Godless]

Since she's stalking you online, you could post somewhere that you have syphilis. That'll get rid of her.

On a more serious note, I would recommend talking to your husband about the situation. Try to figure out if your mistrust is justified or if it's just paranoia. Assuming he's not interested in this woman, it would behoove you to try to get some sort of commitment from him to resolve this situation since he's the one with the means to do so.

Edited May 22, 2009 by Godless

[rameumptom]

Did your husband confess this to you, or did you find out on your own? If he confessed it, appreciate him for his honesty and desire to correct himself and his behavior. Take IM off your computer, as well as any other communication forum she may be on.

Consider getting a restraining order on her. If she is stalking your husband and researching you, then she seems to have a fatal attraction syndrome. Get a lawyer and have her ordered to stay away, including on computer.

[DigitalShadow]

It sounds like your husband probably got mildly caught up with having someone take notice of him, but that he quickly realized it wasn't as innocent as he thought and did the right thing. The other woman sounds a bit like a stalker, but it's hard to tell with only hearing one angle of the story. "Researching someone on the net" sounds disturbing when you put it like that, but could be as simple as looking at your facebook page.

I would suggest you and your husband continuing to distance yourself from this woman and that you should be thankful that your husband isn't the kind of guy who would have an affair if given the chance.

Edited May 22, 2009 by DigitalShadow

[beefche]

Finally, I'm going to say something that a lot of people are going to disagree with and that I've take a lot of heat for in the past (not here, but elsewhere). When a married man tells a woman other than his wife that she is beautiful, it's not necessarily flirting. It's flirting with danger, and flirting with "the line" but it's not necessarily with intent to pursue. Some men just genuinely believe that women who are beautiful deserve to know that they are, and to be told that.

There's a difference, though, when a married man tells another woman that she's beautiful and when a married man tells another woman she's beautiful repeatedly and continues to flirt with her.

I've had married men pay me a compliment and I really appreciated it. But, they didn't continue to pay me compliments and other flirtatious gestures. If they had, then the compliment quickly becomes a concern and suspect for for genuineness and intent.

[Maya]

Hi Akkima and welcome to the site. I hope you can find out how big a problem this is and act accordingly. To me it sounds like she is really pushy. The bad thing is that the wife ia usually the lastone to learn the truth. People dont want to hurt others and believe that what you dont know cant hurt you. You DO have reason to be suspicious, but then again... it all might be wrong. The way he has been handling it sounds ok. If he is totally innocent then your conserns will hurt him, and that is not good either.

Many good advices here, Good luck.

[fish4kitty]

Stupid things husbands due. Tell someone that they are pretty and get stalked for it?! If all compliments got someone stalked I'd be stalked daily. Innocent or not I'd think that a firm back the heck off my man would due the trick. Hubby though needs to pull his head out of his back side. Just from what you posted I'd say he was window shopping and got spooked when he met an aggressive woman. Some woman do not take no for an answer, hence the restraining order. Not the worst idea I've heard. Me personally.....I think a good round of counselling may be in order also. Hubby needs to know exactly where that line is in the sand. 2 cents.

[Moksha]

There are plenty of us guys who would like to be stalked. She needs to bark up some other tree.

[FairChild]

Start documenting all the contact she has with your family. When (date and time of day), where, what was said, who was there, anything you can think of. All you need is a cheap notebook from the dollar store, nothing expensive. You can also add phone numbers or anything else you migt think is handy right there. If she doe emails, ect, make a copy of them and file them away in a simple file folder before you delete them from your compuer ect. Keep a copy of ay messages on the answering machine too. It is better to have this information if you need it rather than need it and wish you had it at hand. Take her seriously. Have as little to do with her as you possibly can. Good uck.

[a-train]

I would confront the b!*$h head on. Tell her straight up, the next time you hear from her she gets an extra hole in the head. The hubby should say and do the same and if he refuses, then he should get an extra hole in the head too. I would personally call her and tell her she needs to respect you, your husband, and your family or get what is coming to her.

-a-train

[rameumptom]

I would confront the b!*$h head on. Tell her straight up, the next time you hear from her she gets an extra hole in the head. The hubby should say and do the same and if he refuses, then he should get an extra hole in the head too. I would personally call her and tell her she needs to respect you, your husband, and your family or get what is coming to her.

-a-train

Just great. She does what you suggest and she can be arrested for assault and threatening. Not what needs to be done here. Let's let clearer minds prevail that will keep the family intact and out of jail.

[bytebear]

Change your phone numbers and do not list them. Get caller ID and only accept from people you know. That will stop that contact. Change email addresses too, and only give out information to people you know and trust.

If she is doing things at work, have him talk to HER supervisor about the situation and let that person deal with it (this should have been done the moment she changed schedules to meet his). If that doesn't work, he needs to change the situation so she has no contact with him ever.

As for your husband. It sounds like he has been honest about the situation, and wants you over her, and that's all that matters. If you are good to him, this floozy won't stand a chance against you.

[Akkima]

Thank you all for your input! To answer some questions.... He left the computer open and I saw that he had received an e-mail from a girl I was not familiar with. So I asked who she was; he said a girl from work, no idea why but asked, "Are you having an affair with her?” and he said yes then clarified by saying an emotional affair. However I am not sure if that is the case or if he just feels so guilty that he is calling it worse than it is. He said he liked the attention and needed to talk to someone and did not want to put more on “my plate.” He also stated that he did not care about her more than an acquaintance and that he did not develop any feelings for her. He has seen her only 1 time at work for about 15 min. all of their work is done in IM or over Radio. He has offered to have a polygraph test but not sure if this is a wise choice.

[Akkima]

Oh as far as she goes.... we are creating a paper trail. He has spoken with a supervisor (apparently she has done this before to someone else). She has been blocked from the network that my husband primarily uses as well as from his work IM and e-mail. She was warned to not contact him again or charges maybe filed. She has tried to contact him 2 more times but unsuccessfully due to the block. Husband is looking for a new job, but they are looking into letting her go. Again thank you all for your advice and input it has helped a great deal!