Need opinions and advice...

[walktome]

I am so happy to have found a place to ask this...I have been feeling this way for awhile and just haven't wanted to ask anyone face to face...so thank you for listening.

I love the Gospel and believe in it so strongly. However I can feel myself slipping away from it mostly because I am scared of certain things. I have never said no to speaking in sacrament and I have never said no to a calling...but now that I have children and am in a married ward I am terrified of the callings I could potentially be asked to do (presidencies, teaching RS or sunday school...) and I feel like because of my fears my testimony isn't as strong. I see my friends gladly accepting these callings and fulfilling them beautifully and I feel so inadequate because I know that I couldn't do what they do and I wouldn't want to (is that terrible?) I have a fear of being in front of people...I have heard my friends in my ward judge other people in our ward for the lessons or talks they have given and it just seems so wrong to do that...it also worries me what they would say about me (I know that it shouldn't matter, but it still bothers me).

Anyway...I guess what I am asking is...if I was asked to do a calling that I wasn't comfortable with can I say no and still be a worthy member of the church and go to the Temple and be proud of myself? I am more than willing to serve, but there are certain things that I KNOW that I just can't and don't want to do. Does anyone else feel like this? Would I be judged for saying no to the calling and would everyone find out that I said no?

Edited May 31, 2009 by walktome

[BenRaines]

People say no all the time. I have never said no and gone forward and done the best job that I can and grow from the experience. Each one of us have to make our own decision.

Ben Raines

[lilered]

A little different perspecitve. First, if you turn down a calling, nothing will happen to you. However, if the calling is issued properly( by prayer), one is called as an answer to that prayer. To those that answer the call, the Lord will bless them with the necessary blessings to fulfill that calling to which they are called. Very few are ready for a particuliar calling but grow as a result of the calling they are given. Most of us do not like to get out of our comfort zone. But the fact is, we need to grow and we do that by expierencing new and exciting challenges and steping out of our comfort level. This forces us to grow and let our light so shine for others to see including improvement of our own self worth in performing service to others. I have only turned down two callings in my life and both I later regretted and wish that I had not done so. I knew afterwards that I had just passed up a wonderful chance to grow and improve both times I did. After the second time, I decided I would never again turn a calling down. I also have learned that I always pray about the calling before answering yes. That way, both the person issuing the call and I have both gone to the Lord in prayer before a decision was reached. I suggest you consider doing the same.

[pam]

Many times callings are given just for the reasons you stated in your OP. To help you strengthen some of your weaknesses you feel you have. Not all callings are giving to those you might feel are far more knowledgeable in the gospel, for more what you would think valiant, far more than what you would think worthy.

Callings so often are given for a reason. Perhaps you need to think of it that way. If you know you have certain weaknesses and you think they would be a hinderance to the calling....accept it anyway. Pray and do the best job you can possibly do.

[Moksha]

To those that answer the call, the Lord will bless them with the necessary blessings to fulfill that calling to which they are called.

Hope so, cuz' otherwise setting up and taking down chairs seems to be a deadend calling.

[walktome]

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate them very much and I have told myself all of the things that you have mentioned and I know that you are right.

But if someone feels that they truly cannot fulfill a calling that they are asked to do because of anxiety or anything else that is going on in their lives is it okay to say no? Do you know worthy members of the church that have said no and are still great people who are worthy temple recommend holders?

[john doe]

Hope so, cuz' otherwise setting up and taking down chairs seems to be a deadend calling.

Well, as Judge Smails said in Caddyshack "The world needs ditchdiggers too". There is no calling in the church that anyone should feel superior to.

To the OP, I would suggest that if you receive a call that you feel you cannot do, you discuss your feelings of inadequacy with the person issuing the calling. And take the issue to the Lord in prayer. Remember, the Lord calls some people to magnify the person, to help you grow, not just because you are the best person to do the job. I would suggest you accept the opportunity to grow into the gospel, not shrink from it. The feelings of inadequacy come from the devil, who would love to see you fail as an individual. Put your trust in the Lord and you will be surprised how much He will carry you when you feel you can't do what He asks.

[Jenamarie]

I think the question you need to ask yourself is: do you trust God? Do you trust that, if He calls you to do something, that He'll provide the way for you to do it? (Read 1st Nephi 3:7). You alone may not be able to accomplish something, but with God all things are possible.

[Dravin]

I don't know if it helps or not, but I think I've heard every Apostle talk about being overwhelmed with inadequacy as to their ability to be an Apostle, several still express in adequacy to the calling. So you wouldn't be alone.

Heck, when I first reactivated they called me a Elder's Quorum Secretary, first calling I ever had (not exactly the most demanding, but a shock for somebody who'd only been going back to church 2 weeks or so), I remember the shock and worry flood over me when asked, even some fear (probably a more than a little fear) and then some small amount of horror as I responded yes after a moments thought. Kinda funny actually I think the EQ President was expecting me to decline (maybe he read my thoughts) because he let me know I could go home and pray about it before I gave him a yea or neigh.

Thing was, the men I served with were wonderful men and patient and I remember when I got released I remember being disappointed in a way. Looking back that calling stretched me in ways that going in I never would have guessed at. Going on a mission was similar in some respects.

I guess my point is, you wouldn't be the first to worry and I think that if you say yes you wouldn't be the first to find that somehow, with the Lord's help, you can do what's been asked of you.

[walktome]

Thank you to all of you, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I would still like to know though...what would your opinion be of someone who said "no" to a calling and do you think that you are still a worthy member of the church if you do not accept a calling?

[Dravin]

Thank you to all of you, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I would still like to know though...what would your opinion be of someone who said "no" to a calling and do you think that you are still a worthy member of the church if you do not accept a calling?

I'd probably think they could do with a little more faith (it being the opposite of fear, but who of us couldn't use more faith?), at least for your reasoning for saying no. Something like, "I work and can only make it to sacrament so I can't teach the lessons in Elder's Quorum" would be something else entirely.

As far as being a worthy member, I think you'd still be worthy. Worthy isn't the same as perfect. I think though it's a failure to consecrate yourself to the Lord, to put it into perspective though so is a failure to Home Teach 100% and plenty of people who don't HT 100% are considered worthy members in good standing.

[john doe]

Thank you to all of you, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I would still like to know though...what would your opinion be of someone who said "no" to a calling and do you think that you are still a worthy member of the church if you do not accept a calling?

Yes, but I think you are limiting yourself spiritually by giving in to your fears instead of trusting in God to help you fulfill the calling extended.

[walktome]

Thank you...I really appreciate your thoughts.

[Tough Grits]

Anyway...I guess what I am asking is...if I was asked to do a calling that I wasn't comfortable with can I say no and still be a worthy member of the church and go to the Temple and be proud of myself? I am more than willing to serve, but there are certain things that I KNOW that I just can't and don't want to do. Does anyone else feel like this? Would I be judged for saying no to the calling and would everyone find out that I said no?

As I pondered your question, I noticed one of the quotes at the bottom of my signature.

Life in the Church soon teaches us that the Lord does not ask us about our ability, but only our availability. And then, if we demonstrate our dependability, the Lord will increase our capability. ~Neal A. Maxwell

I have always accepted the callings given to me, even when I thought I wouldn't do well or when I KNEW I would dislike it (cub scouts). In each instance, my ability to do was increased and I always learned something new about myself and/or about the gospel.

Now, that does not mean I fully loved each of the callings.... Though I absolutely learned many things from cub scouting and I grew from that calling, it never became a calling that I loved. I just focused on my love of Heavenly Father, and that helped me magnify that calling and learn to appreciate it and enjoy it, even if I never loved it.

[applepansy]

But if someone feels that they truly cannot fulfill a calling that they are asked to do because of anxiety or anything else that is going on in their lives is it okay to say no? Do you know worthy members of the church that have said no and are still great people who are worthy temple recommend holders?

Yes, I said no to working in the nursery. The bishopric didn't take my health issues into consideration. Nor did they extend the calling to me directly. The second counselor extended the calling to my husband on behalf of us both. My husband should have known better than to say yes, knowing my health issues. I was sustained in Sacrament meeting before I even knew I'd been called.

When he finally got around to talking to me directly about the call. He wanted to know when I could be set apart. I said no and explained why. The chronic pain I have will not allow me to lift and deal with energetic nursery age children for two hours. I later learned this was a calling they were using to get me "activated"...not understanding that I wasn't at church every Sunday because of health issues. Nobody asked.

I still have my recommend. I was extended another calling that was a better fit.

The counselor learned an important lesson. Its important to ask each person directly when extending a calling. Husbands should not be asked on behalf of their wives or children. I learned that's its ok to say no.

You have the right to say no. But realize that when you say no you are also saying no to blessings from the Lord. I have no doubt the Lord would have blessed me in the nursery calling. I also have no doubt that it would have been extremely difficult and would have caused physical problems for me. I had to make a choice.

You make choices like this prayerfully. If you are asked to do something you feel uncomfortable with, first explain your concerns to the bishop. Then fast and pray (and even go to the temple if possible) before answering. You'll make the right decision for you.

We are blessed when we serve. And we're doubly blessed when we are obedient, even when we don't think its the right thing to do. I have had experience with that too. I'm old! I'm not sure I'm a great person, but I'm a worthy temple recommend holder.

[pam]

I beg to differ apple. I think you are an awesome person. But I could also understand the difficulty of working with nursery age children when constantly in pain. I would have probably said no as well.

[walktome]

Thank you. It is interesting because you hear so often about "people pleasers" who will say "yes" to anything that is asked of them by anyone in their life (friends, family members) and how this can be bad for our health. So I appreciate your honesty. I have a lot of stress in my life right now and so I think that is why I have often wondered if it would be okay to say "no" to a calling that I might not feel comfortable with at the present time because right now in my life I think there are certain things that I would not be able to handle with everything else I am trying to deal with.

[lilered]

Thank you to all of you, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I would still like to know though...what would your opinion be of someone who said "no" to a calling and do you think that you are still a worthy member of the church if you do not accept a calling?

My view would be to be very careful on judging anyone based on the fact that they turn down a Church Calling. Realistically though I am sure that there are some people who make judgments based on this criteria, no different than judging someones worth based on whether or not they are a return missionary etc.. Bottom Line: The Lord loves you in spite of the fact you may turn down a calling and so do we.

[Tough Grits]

My view would be to be very careful on judging anyone based on the fact that they turn down a Church Calling. Realistically though I am sure that there are some people who make judgments based on this criteria, no different than judging someones worth based on whether or not they are a return missionary etc.. Bottom Line: The Lord loves you in spite of the fact you may turn down a calling and so do we.

I absolutely agree.

There have been many times that I have gone to the Bishopric and let them know that I was getting burned out and wanted a new calling (after a year or two of being in the same calling). Of course, just because I informed the Bishopric of my feelings, does not mean I always got my wish right away. There are other factors to consider, like finding a new person to replace me.

I have had people ridicule me for getting burned out so quick in a calling.

I am a manic personality. I am all or nothing. So, when I take a new calling I go into over-drive. Then, after about a year I am on fumes...and I simply get BORED. I am not at my best when I am bored.

So, yes I have accepted every calling I have been given (I have gotten defensive sneers for that), and there have been several callings that I have requested to be released from because I was burned-out (which I have also gotten criticism for).

I guess my point is this: Follow the Spirit...because there are ALWAYS going to be negative naysayers who will judge and ridicule, but if you follow the Spirit and do what the Spirit guides you to do then it should not matter what others say.

[Wildflower]

Walktome,

I understand where you are coming from. Don't beat yourself up. If you say no, it will not make you an unworthy member. I had a bishop once who had a painfully shy wife and she never accepted a calling that required her to get up in front of others. She is one of the most Christ like women I know. My grandmother was so shy, she would not pray in front of others. I have no doubt that God will not hold this against her. If you do your best to love one another and follow the example of Christ, the Lord will make up for where you fall short. Do not take the atonement for granted! Shyness and anxiety are some of the worst things to have if you are a mormon. Believe me, I know. I am very shy, and I used to beat myself up all the time because I felt so guilty if I turned down a calling. I had the same feelings of inadequacy every time I saw others going above and beyond what I could ever do in the church. Sometimes I would have a calling and just live in dread over it. I developed a complex about it. I have been told by a bishops counselor once that one should never turn down a calling. I think there are many members who have this mentality. I also think it's wrong. God doesn't want your life to be miserable. He doesn't want you to beat yourself up. If that is what this does to you, then stop fighting it. Just stay close to God, follow the Lords example, and you will be led in the right direction. The Lord knows your heart, and does not want you to worry about this.

[beefche]

I personally know people who have said no to callings. The reasons for saying no vary from individual to individual. These same people partake of the sacrament, attend the temple, and participate fully in their wards and accept other callings.

[Truegrits]

Although I have never said "No" to a calling, I did qualify my acceptance of the Cub Scout calling. I was by myself, no other was called to assist; I had zero experience/knowledge of the calling...usually a husband/wife duo is called. I accepted the calling, temporarily, until they could call someone else. It took over six months before a couple accepted the calling. While I loved the boys, I did not like anything else about that calling. And my hope is, never to be called to it again.

I would never judge another on their accepting, or not, of a calling. Only you know what you are capable, emotionally or physically, of handling.

[pam]

Also be careful what you say to the Bishop about callings. Years ago my mom casually mentioned to her Bishop that the ONE calling she would never want to have is being the Gospel Doctrine teacher. 6 months later she was called to be the Gospel Doctrine teacher. But she told me it was one of THE most rewarding callings she has ever had.

[EQ_Guy]

I don't know if it helps or not, but I think I've heard every Apostle talk about being overwhelmed with inadequacy as to their ability to be an Apostle, several still express in adequacy to the calling. So you wouldn't be alone.

Heck, when I first reactivated they called me a Elder's Quorum Secretary, first calling I ever had (not exactly the most demanding, but a shock for somebody who'd only been going back to church 2 weeks or so), I remember the shock and worry flood over me when asked, even some fear (probably a more than a little fear) and then some small amount of horror as I responded yes after a moments thought. Kinda funny actually I think the EQ President was expecting me to decline (maybe he read my thoughts) because he let me know I could go home and pray about it before I gave him a yea or neigh.

Thing was, the men I served with were wonderful men and patient and I remember when I got released I remember being disappointed in a way. Looking back that calling stretched me in ways that going in I never would have guessed at. Going on a mission was similar in some respects.

I guess my point is, you wouldn't be the first to worry and I think that if you say yes you wouldn't be the first to find that somehow, with the Lord's help, you can do what's been asked of you.

I was called as EQ secretary after just receiving the Melchizedek Priesthood and also a convert.

[mightynancy]

I'm concerned with your level of anxiety. Is this due to a temporary stressor, or is it a chronic problem? (You don't have to answer me - this is just a thinking question). Someone close to me has an anxiety disorder, and is a whole new person now that there's treatment. He's able to do things that were off the table before.

As much as we'd like to think otherwise, some callings are, well, ill-advised. Share your concerns with your Bishop when you receive a calling (or in advance!).

What I or anyone else think of you is irrelevant - only your feelings and the Lord's approval matter. Yes, the Lord wants us to grow, but he doesn't want us to panic and be miserable. Prayerfully consider what's offered to you, and make your own best decision - really, that's all the Lord asks of us.