Advice please

[Janey214]

Hi everybody

I've got myself into a little problem and I really don't know where to turn for advice or help. I don't get on with my bishop too well. :-(

I'm a convert to the Church.

There's an old boss of mine who is making my life heck. He's made it clear that he wants to sleep with me. He's married with children for crying out loud.

I thought I'd got rid of him about six months ago. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was LDS and that I wasn't interested in what he was asking of me. He's the director of my local Law Society and carries a lot of influence in relation to the job market. He's basically said that if I scratch his back etc, in regards to recommending me for other roles.

I really don't know what to do about this guy. It's getting creepy. I want to tell him no, but then part of me thinks maybe I should just do what he wants and have done with it. I'm ashamed of myself and I'm ashamed I'm having to come onto a forum to admit that.

What do I do, how do I put enough faith in Heavenly Father to back away from this completely. I thought I had done, but now he's contacted me again. I don't know what to do. :-(

Any thoughts or prayers would be much appreciated. I've not been in Church very long.

J

[MorningStar]

Report him and do not give in to his request. Do you have proof in emails or anything? Save everything.

[Misshalfway]

So he is an old boss? are you working in the same office as this person? because if you are, I would think this was a legal issue and you could appeal to your human resource person about sexual harrassment.

If this person is not in your work environment, then I would take a stand tell him to absolutely no! Why are you even entertaining the idea? Get him out of your life. change your phone # or email if you have to. If he won't stop harrassing you, threaten to tell his wife or call the police. I think he is bothering you because he knows he can. You need to strengthen yourself and your boundaries.

[talisyn]

Ohh you could also covertly record what he says and put it on youtube!

[Gwen]

i agree that it should be reported to a human resources. save all the evidence you can, if you don't have any start collecting it. if it gets to the point that you decide to tell his wife i disagree with "threaten to do it". do it and don't tell him before you do, she deserves more respect than to be used as a pawn. as do you, don't play his game.

[Janey214]

Hi everyone, no I no longer work in the same company as him, but he is the Director of my area Law Society.

I'm getting myself in a fix because if I want to continue working in the legal field I can't exactly erase working for him from my resume, and it's going to raise questions why I don't get a recommendation off him because of the position he carries in this area.

J

[pam]

He's the director of my local Law Society

I see so much irony in this.

[Gwen]

get a lawyer.......... and have evidence.

[Misshalfway]

Hi everyone, no I no longer work in the same company as him, but he is the Director of my area Law Society.

I'm getting myself in a fix because if I want to continue working in the legal field I can't exactly erase working for him from my resume, and it's going to raise questions why I don't get a recommendation off him because of the position he carries in this area.

J

You may not want a recommendation from someone like this. Who knows....maybe there is a file on this guy somewhere.

Why not get a lawyer and secure your evidence? Why not find out who this man reports to and give him a little visit?

I think if you have support from a lawyer, that will help you find your strength cause you really need to take a proactive stance on this. You don't need to live with the harrassment OR fear that this person will control your career. Put the law behind you.

[NeuroTypical]

Janey, you are in the UK, correct? I think you're getting a bunch of US-specific advice about getting a lawyer and whatnot. I'm not sure how well that advice would work in the UK.

I do believe that evil and naughty shrinks from the light, so I'm in favor of dragging anything this guy is doing out into the light where everyone (including his wife and kids) can see it, and him. Maybe tell him that's your plan if he ever brings it up again, and then follow through with your plan if he does?

LM

[Gwen]

ok so the vindictive woman in me says don't tell him your plan. lol just do it, tell his wife, record the conversations and email them to everybody and their brother. lol let him find out the same time they do. lol........ might be a good time to stop listening to me by they way.....

[ryanh]

Wait a minute people - have you ever been involved in a spider's web like this? Advising to start 'bringing things to light' is dangerous advice that could cause the victim a whole lot more harm than inappropriate advances and quid pro quo offers.

[pam]

Those were my thoughts ryan. My only advice..document document document. Until you have enough documentation to form any kind of a case...you have nothing but your own personal recollection and that's not proof.

[WmLee]

stand your ground!! Always remeber you are a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father and He is watching you, was well as the guy your write about! If you must confront him, tell him you are a respectable, professional person, as your sure he is. Leave it at that and move on. At the same time, document as much as you can. If it gets nasty or if he tries to hold you back from advancing, you will need this!

[ryanh]

Yes Pam, it's all about verifible documentation. It is possible, if one is courageous enough and understands the tribulation they will be getting themselves into, to elicit the perpetraitor to put the offers in email, text, or voice mails.

BUT, given that the OP mentions member of a Law Society (the irony wasn't lost on me either), I don't think replies regarding how to go about doing this are as important as how to continue to resist the idea of giving in.

Janey: what do you want more? Spiritual "success", or the success and advancement of this temporal life?

[MorningStar]

Here's what you do. Make a "date" with him and when you meet, this is when you let him know about all of your demands, including the fact that you want him to wear a pink tutu and make-up.

Take a picture.

Leave.

Have it posted on the largest billboard in town.

BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

[rameumptom]

Send him a legal notice, with a copy to the Law Society and the state Bar, telling him to decease and desist from this stalking, or you will contact the police.

[Guest Alana]

I'd stay away from him and not make it a secret about what's going on, that way if he ever talks to you and you're with someone, they know what's up. What a creep. I don't know about all these ideas of holding him accountable, because people like that don't play fair obviously.

As far as your saying that you're ashamed about even considering going through with it and recognizing that the thought is there, this is how I view that. Once I heard someone say 'everytime you feed you kids fast food, you're telling them that you don't love them.' I think that is absolute rubbish!!! Having a burger and fries every now and then can be fun and tasty and I don't think there's anything wrong with an occasional treat. Heck, sometimes I'm running behind, the kids are fussy and rather than lug them all out of the car to a super market, I'll just through a drive through. Now, here's the thing, since I've heard that statement, which I don't agree with at all, it has gone through my head over and over again, and every time we get fast food I remember that and I'm starting to feel guilty. How does this have to do with your situation? Sometimes an idea can get into our head that we think it ridiculous and we don't agree with it at all. But, as we let it run around in our head, get angry about it and fuel that anger with more thoughts about it, that thought can take root, and it affects us in ways we don't want, we might even start to believe it.

So, what to do about it? Stop thinking about it, easier said then done, of course. Focus on good positive things, then if this man confronts you again, you'll be able to tell him again in no uncertain terms what you believe and how it's going to be, and it'll be easy because you'll be used to thinking about positive good things and not jumbling up things and making them confusing. Well, at least that's what I would attempt to do:)

[Gene]

Dear Sister,

It seems that you are getting a lot of good advise and ideas from lots of people. But the bottom line is this: What this man is doing or trying to do is illegal in almost all countries. Laws and enforsment of laws differ. But the difference between right and wrong are universal and don't change depending on where you live.

If law enforcement is good where you live, report it and get it into court and him behind bars where he belongs. If not you, he could eventually hurt someone else in the future.

If a legal remedy is not possible move or change jobs period. Employment and money is important. But not more important than your life and safety. Not to mention your eternal spirit.

Hope you can get this resolved soon. Life is hard enough without the added pressures of unwanted advances by someone in a position of athority.

Bro. Davis-Philippines...

[MorningStar]

I was thinking about this - why is he doing this? Because he knows he can. For whatever reason, he thinks you will put up with this. If you see him in person, look him directly in the eyes, tell him to knock it off, and let him know you will take it to the proper authorities if he needed. Be strong.

[Just_A_Guy]

Janey, you are in the UK, correct? I think you're getting a bunch of US-specific advice about getting a lawyer and whatnot.

Touché. What she needs is a solicitor, not a lawyer.

In all seriousness--yes, the US has pretty specific sexual-harassment legislation and most states have clear processes for a civil stalking injunction. I don't know what analogues exist in Her Majesty's justice system.

Janey, does this guy have so much power that you don't think there's a single solicitor in your area whom you can trust to keep the situation confidential and give you solid legal advice?

[lilered]

In my view, unless she has proof, its becomes a she said, he said game. My advise if you do not yet have proof, then be patient and obtain suffiecent before blowing the whistle. Save emails, record phone messages, conversations. Carry a small tape recorder. Once you have the proof then obtain either a lawyer or file a complaint with the proper governmental agency. Either way be patient and then step forward.

[ryanh]

Carry a small tape recorder.

This is illegal in many jurisdictions. Within the US, you have to consult individual state laws to determine if it is a single party consent state or not before recording conversations without the other persons consent. I.e. in UT, you can record any conversation you are involved in. But not so in CA. You must have consent of the other party in CA.

[lilered]

This is illegal in many jurisdictions. Within the US, you have to consult individual state laws to determine if it is a single party consent state or not before recording conversations without the other persons consent. I.e. in UT, you can record any conversation you are involved in. But not so in CA. You must have consent of the other party in CA.

While that may be true, it still seems to me to be a valid thing to do. Not only for the benefits of having him declare things in his own voice, but to add validity to the charges being made. Especially if made to one of the government agencies. I have been present a number of times when similiar allegations have been made against employees I supervised. Not much happens without evidence supporting the allegations. EG: witnesses, emails, phone messages, etc..

Do you suppose his wife would be so forgiving and or suportive if she heard her husbands voice making passes or sexual advances towards another women. Me thinks not.

:)

[talisyn]

This is illegal in many jurisdictions. Within the US, you have to consult individual state laws to determine if it is a single party consent state or not before recording conversations without the other persons consent. I.e. in UT, you can record any conversation you are involved in. But not so in CA. You must have consent of the other party in CA.

Can't you say 'Oops, I forgot I had this voice-activated recorder in my pocket!'?