Director of Affirmation Urges Mormons To stop Shunning Gay Family Members

[Elphaba]

Mormons Urged to stop shunning gay family members

Affirmation official recalls how his aunt kicked him out.

By Rosemary Winters

The Salt Lake Tribune

Updated: 09/18/2009 10:12:54 PM MDT

Robert Moore knew his long pause on the phone already had given him away. At age 19, he acknowledged to his aunt, "yes," he was gay, something he had known since the fifth grade.

She responded: "You can't come home."

Moore, who lived with his LDS grandmother and aunt in a small Oregon town, bought a bus ticket to Portland and spent the next five months homeless. He never knew his parents and had grown up thinking of his aunt, 13 years his senior, as a sister. But now she insisted his gay "lifestyle" would be a negative influence on her two kids.

"I was so scared and I didn't know what to do," Moore said Friday in Salt Lake City. "We can no longer keep kicking our youth to the curb like trash. We are all children of God."

. . . .

In recent years, church officials have stated they don't know what causes same-sex attraction, saying no one -- not parents or those who experience such feelings -- should be blamed.

"Above all, keep your lines of communication open," Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, urged in a 2007 Ensign article. "Open communication between parents and children is a clear expression of love, and pure love, generously

expressed, can transform family ties."

Holland wrote that gay children "are welcome" to stay at home. But parents have "every right to exclude from [their] dwelling any behavior that offends the spirit of the Lord."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elphaba

[talisyn]

But parents have "every right to exclude from [their] dwelling any behavior that offends the spirit of the Lord."

Same as any other behavior. Obey the rules of the house or find your own house. But to kick an orphan 19 yr old out into the harsh world? I hope his aunt one day truly understands what she did.

[Jenamarie]

Thankfully it has been my experience that gay family members are still allowed to "stay" in the family. Even though I don't personally have any gay relatives, my DH does, as does the former bishop of our ward (his oldest daughter), and from what I've witnessed, they're not treated any differently.

[bytebear]

Didn't GBH suggest the same thing. Don't shun your gay kids? What more does Affirmation want from the church?

[RachelleDrew]

I don't know any people in my branch that shun homosexual family members or friends. But perhaps it's more of a common thing in the western states.

Hopefully even if we disagree with how another person lives their lives, we can surely agree that they are still a person worthy of the love of their family.

[john doe]

Sadly I don't have any gay family members to shun. But if I did, I wouldn't.

[Dravin]

But now she insisted his gay "lifestyle" would be a negative influence on her two kids.

If he was going to drag home guys after nights out on the town she has a point, or if he was going to teach the kids that a sinful lifestyle is acceptable she'd have a point. However if the status quo was pretty much going to be the same, hes not engaging in inappropriate behaviors in the home or teaching the children false doctrine, and I'm inclined to think that it would be (if he had to tell her he obviously wasn't doing those things or she'd have found out by herself), she doesn't.

So basically what talisyn said. Doesn't matter if its drinking beer, watching pornography or acting upon homosexual desires.

Edited September 19, 2009 by Dravin

[Thethuthinnang]

But now she insisted his gay "lifestyle" would be a negative influence on her two kids.

I think teaching them to shun others, especially their own family members, is just as negative an influence.

[MrsAri]

What about living with a gay person who has AIDS?

Just because a person doesn't care to live with someone who practices a different lifestyle (not just the gay lifestyle) doesn't mean that they're shunning the person.

Incidentally, this young man is 19...not a child.

Edited September 19, 2009 by GrandmaAri

[bmy-]

Incidentally, this young man is 19...not a child.

For that matter make him live on his own and pay for college. That'll teach em. I'm a full-time student and I work part-time.. i'm 21 -- and I can barely pay my tuition. Starting in January I'll be doing so much school I won't have time for a job. How should I support myself?

The 'shunning of gay family members' is horribly common. It's pathetic and it's a problem that honestly has to be fixed.

[Moksha]

Just because a person doesn't care to live with someone who practices a different lifestyle (not just the gay lifestyle) doesn't mean that they're shunning the person.

But telling them they can't go home the minute they reveal they are gay sounds like shunning. However, you are right about turning way those with a different lifestyle. Over the years on these forums, I have heard several stories of families disowning a member once they became Mormon or married a Mormon.

By any other name, being rejected by your family would have to be painful. I used to like that embroidery I would see on many LDS walls that said Families are Forever, it seemed to connote a sense of belonging that transcended differences.

:)

[MrsAri]

For that matter make him live on his own and pay for college. That'll teach em. I'm a full-time student and I work part-time.. i'm 21 -- and I can barely pay my tuition. Starting in January I'll be doing so much school I won't have time for a job. How should I support myself?

The 'shunning of gay family members' is horribly common. It's pathetic and it's a problem that honestly has to be fixed.

Young man, do you feel that it is your parents' responsibility to support you?

As parents, we have the right to welcome anyone we wish to occupy our home...and if we don't wish to welcome someone for any particular reason, that's our business. It's called "the right to privacy".

[MrsAri]

But telling them they can't go home the minute they reveal they are gay sounds like shunning. However, you are right about turning way those with a different lifestyle. Over the years on these forums, I have heard several stories of families disowning a member once they became Mormon or married a Mormon.

By any other name, being rejected by your family would have to be painful. I used to like that embroidery I would see on many LDS walls that said Families are Forever, it seemed to connote a sense of belonging that transcended differences.

:)

Again, it is our right to refuse to associate with anyone for any reason. :)

This just sounds like more government intrusion into the home...speculation and "thought" crimes.

Edited September 19, 2009 by GrandmaAri

[Just_A_Guy]

Didn't GBH suggest the same thing. Don't shun your gay kids? What more does Affirmation want from the church?

Ultimately, more than the Church can give, if they want us to swallow that line about homosexuality being a gift from God.

If what Mr. Moore alleges is true, it's a crying shame. But I want to hear the aunt's side of the story.

One of the issues with "shunning" is that even a minimal degree of it becomes amplified tenfold in the perspective of the person being shunned.

[Snow]

Young man, do you feel that it is your parents' responsibility to support you?

Said by someone who believes that the govt should forcibly take money from those that have it and give it to those that don't in the form of healthcare.

[annewandering]

If the homosexual person is going to live a gay lifestyle then he shouldnt be in a home that doesnt want that influence on their children. We dont really know why the aunt decided he was not a good example to her kids but if it was how he lived then she has the responsibility to her kids to now allow that in her home.

Why is it always the non gay that is in the wrong? Sometimes there are good reasons but those are not as 'newsworthy'.

[pam]

I have a son who recently in the last few months admitted to me that he is gay. He was scared to death to tell me. I've been his only parent for the last 10 years. As he put it: his rock and his support and the one person that shows him love all the time. But he thought that would all go down the drain if he admitted it to me.

While it saddens me tremendously..I haven't kicked him out. He understands I'm just not ready to accept a "partner" of his. Not to sound mean..I'm just not ready.

But I wouldn't kick him out just for admitting to be gay. Now if he breaks rules of my home with it..that's another thing.

[annewandering]

For what its worth, Pam, I think you are doing the best in a difficult situation. How could we ever boot the kids we love out?

If it were me I wouldn't boot them out so long as they didn't bring it into my house, especially if there are kids around.

[bmy-]

As parents, we have the right to welcome anyone we wish to occupy our home...and if we don't wish to welcome someone for any particular reason, that's our business. It's called "the right to privacy".

And when you're old(er) and unable to support yourself we'll have "the right to privacy" also. The door swings both ways -- support your children and they'll support you. Shun your children -- and pray that you don't have a time of need.

To answer your question.. no, they are not responsible to support me. I'm thankful they do -- and they would even if they disagreed with my religious views (which they do). Perhaps my parents were forged from a more quality metal than those who would shun their children due to life style choices.

[bmy-]

I have a son who recently in the last few months admitted to me that he is gay. He was scared to death to tell me. I've been his only parent for the last 10 years. As he put it: his rock and his support and the one person that shows him love all the time. But he thought that would all go down the drain if he admitted it to me.

While it saddens me tremendously..I haven't kicked him out. He understands I'm just not ready to accept a "partner" of his. Not to sound mean..I'm just not ready.

But I wouldn't kick him out just for admitting to be gay. Now if he breaks rules of my home with it..that's another thing.

You're awesome pam. Handling it tremendously IMO. I do want to ask you a question.. would you ever shun him for his choices? Or would you love him unconditionally? That's the real test.. and I think you'll do wonderfully.

[Elphaba]

Didn't GBH suggest the same thing. Don't shun your gay kids? What more does Affirmation want from the church?

That is a very good point. The Church, via Elders Oaks and Wickman, have given what I assume to be official counsel as to how to approach same-sex attraction issues:

In the interview Public Issues: Same sex attraction, the interviewer asked Elder Oakds the following:

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Let’s say my 17-year-old son comes to talk to me and, after a great deal of difficulty trying to get it out, tells me that he believes that he’s attracted to men — that he has no interest and never has had any interest in girls. He believes he’s probably gay. He says that he’s tried to suppress these feelings. He’s remained celibate, but he realizes that his feelings are going to be devastating to the family because we’ve always talked about his Church mission, about his temple marriage and all those kinds of things. He just feels he can’t live what he thinks is a lie any longer, and so he comes in this very upset and depressed manner. What do I tell him as a parent?

ELDER OAKS: You’re my son. You will always be my son, and I’ll always be there to help you.

. . . .

I think it’s important for you to understand that homosexuality, which you’ve spoken of, is not a noun that describes a condition. It’s an adjective that describes feelings or behavior. I encourage you, as you struggle with these challenges, not to think of yourself as a ‘something’ or ‘another,’ except that you’re a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and you’re my son, and that you’re struggling with challenges.

Another excerpt:

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: You’re saying the Church doesn’t necessarily have a position on ‘nurture or nature’

ELDER OAKS: That’s where our doctrine comes into play. The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction. Those are scientific questions — whether nature or nurture — those are things the Church doesn’t have a position on.

ELDER WICKMAN: Whether it is nature or nurture really begs the important question, and a preoccupation with nature or nurture can, it seems to me, lead someone astray from the principles that Elder Oaks has been describing here. Why somebody has a same-gender attraction… who can say? But what matters is the fact that we know we can control how we behave, and it is behavior which is important.

One last excerpt:

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Elder Wickman, when you referred earlier to missionary service, you held that out as a possibility for someone who felt same-gender attraction but didn’t act on it. President Hinckley has said that if people are faithful, they can essentially go forward as anyone else in the Church and have full fellowship. What does that really mean? Does it mean missionary service? Does it mean that someone can go to the temple, at least for those sacraments that don’t involve marriage? Does it really mean that someone with same-gender attraction so long as they’re faithful, has every opportunity to participate, to be called to service, to do all those kinds of things that anyone else can?

ELDER WICKMAN: I think the short answer to that is yes! I’d look to Elder Oaks to elaborate on that.

ELDER OAKS: President Hinckley has helped us on that subject with a clear statement that answers all questions of that nature. He said, “We love them (referring to people who have same-sex attractions) as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church.”

To me that means that a person with these inclinations, where they’re kept under control, or, if yielded to are appropriately repented of, is eligible to do anything in the Church that can be done by any member of the Church who is single. Occasionally, there’s an office, like the office of bishop, where a person must be married. But that’s rather the exception in the Church. Every teaching position, every missionary position can be held by single people. We welcome to that kind of service people who are struggling with any kind of temptation when the struggle is a good struggle and they are living so as to be appropriate teachers, or missionaries, or whatever the calling may be.

I think this interview makes the Church's counsel very clear.

As I understand it, this message is not making its way down into the ward level. Apparently in many wards, there is a large stima attached to anyone who is gay, whether they are a member in good standing, a member going through the repentance process to return, or even a member who is currently struggling, but wants to stop and return to the Church.

I don't doubt there are wards that welcome their gay brothers and sisters with open arms. I do sense, that in the west, this is often not the case. But then, that's only what I've read. I don't have first-hand experience. Perhaps people here have observed the situation differently.

Elphaba

[pam]

You're awesome pam. Handling it tremendously IMO. I do want to ask you a question.. would you ever shun him for his choices? Or would you love him unconditionally? That's the real test.. and I think you'll do wonderfully.

If you mean would I stop loving him because of his choices. That answer is easy. No. I love my son tremendously. While I might not condone his lifestyle or his choices, I still love him. Yet at the same time, I have the right to make rules in my own home and whether he is 18 or 38, I still expect a respect and a courtesy for those rules. If he continually breaks those rules..I also have the right to respectfully ask him to leave. Doesn't mean I don't love him or won't continue to love him.

[Justice]

The article Elphaba linked is one of the best article/interviews I have ever read. I read it about a year ago and I do not remember ever being so enlighten about a topic by one article. If you have not read it in it's entirety, you really should.

[talisyn]

Sadly I don't have any gay family members to shun. But if I did, I wouldn't.

I have 53 cousins, one of them is bound to be homosexual. But I tend to shun most of them already, so if I don't shun the homosexual one even though I've been doing it before knowing about his/her sexuality does that mean I'm advocating his/her lifestyle?

[MrsAri]

Love the sinner; hate the sin. Loving someone and living with them are two different things. Enabling someone by supporting them in a lifestyle which is not in accordance with our beliefs is counterproductive.

The incentive is clearly intended to force LDS into accepting the gay lifestyle...further government intrusion.

Edited September 20, 2009 by GrandmaAri