Trust

[Jbs2763]

I recently had an experience where a friend of mine that I trusted very deeply, someone I considered one of my closest friends... lied to me... It wasn't a big lie...just a little white one... but it makes me wonder...over the years I've known this person...what else have the lied about? If a small lie is so easy...how about the big ones? I guess at this point, 3 days after this situation unfolded...I'm still very angry, more angry than hurt. Can I ever trust this person again? I have a very hard time trusting people to begin with, and I have considered this person a "friend" for a long time....and one of my closest friends for nearly a year. Why would someone, who knows how much I value the friendship, value their trust...be willing to throw it away so easily? At this juncture, I don't know if iI can ever trust them again...I'm sure over time the anger will fade, and perhaps the friendship can be rebuilt...but I'm not sure it will ever be the same, not exactly sure how long it will be before I can talk to this person again without the acidic desire to return the hurt goes away, I know that is immature, to want to hurt them like they hurt me. I can't forgive until this person realizes what they did, and makes an effort to make amends... at that point..I will have to decide if I can let it go...

Maybe I'm too nice...

Maybe I should learn to be more careful of who I consider my close tight circle of "best friends"...

Maybe I should have learned in the past...not to trust another human...maybe this time it will stick....

that is all

if you are one of the couple people on this board that know the details, lets keep this vauge ok?

[sanguine]

I can't forgive until this person realizes what they did, and makes an effort to make amends... at that point..I will have to decide if I can let it go...

I think I can understand how you feel, I'm living with a husband that can't be trusted, he's working on earning back that trust, I'm not sure he ever can. His own children are hurt by the lack of trust they can have in him.

BUT ...yeah a big but, forgiveness is not about the other person understanding or making amends. We are required to forgive all. Sure it makes it easier if the other person is genuinely sorry, but that isn't the point. Personally I think forgiveness is for us, no matter what the other person has done. When we forgive, we are able to heal, to let go of the anger and pain.

There are very few people I trust, but please don't let your trust issues, get in the way. It's wise to be cautious, especially around those, who've shown themselves to be untrustworthy. But we still can be loving, kind, after all we all have flaws and faults. It's not for us to judge. We do need to keep ourselves safe and while not judging or being mean to those who've hurt us, we can keep our distance if needed.

Pick a quiet time and tell your friend how you feel, their reaction, will tell you a lot. Most people would be upset that they'd hurt a friend.

If they turn out to be a liar, what then....... Then it'll be up to you, to decide can you except your 'good' friend, even with this flaw. Are you willing to throw away the good, with the bad? Or can you work with what you have, knowing it won't be the same, knowing you will have to be cautious....but also being able to experience the best of your friend also.

Sorry for the sermon lol. I hope your friend comes through and it's a one off or a misunderstanding.

[beefche]

I can't forgive until this person realizes what they did, and makes an effort to make amends... at that point..I will have to decide if I can let it go...

Forgiveness isn't about the other person--the one who did the wrong. It's about you. We are required to forgive others--not when they apologize or feel regret/remorse--but as many times as needed.

Forgiveness is not the same thing as giving full trust to someone. You can forgive someone who stole from you, but that doesn't mean you need to give them a key to your safe.

[pam]

I can't forgive until this person realizes what they did, and makes an effort to make amends... at that point..I will have to decide if I can let it go

Isn't it best to be the better person? If you are going to wait around until this person realizes the "error of their ways" you could be waiting a lifetime. Don't let this eat you up. Somehow find some forgiveness and let it go.

That makes you the better person in the situation..and hopefully someday the other person will realize this too.

[Jbs2763]

its been a week since this went down..still pissed about it...but i realize how juvenille it was..and am starting to not care...i'm washing my hands of it, if they contact me again...so be it, if not, so be it...

[pam]

You still care because you are still upset about it. All I can say is I stand by my former comment.

I happen to be one that knows the situation and I know you are hurting. But try to rise above it. I know easier said than done..but I know you are also a strong person and will get through this.

[Misshalfway]

Why not confront the person in love and explain how you feel? What if the person expressed remorse and wanted to make things better? Wouldn't that help you find the forgiveness or closure too? Doesn't the Bible invite us to go to our enemies quickly and if they will hear us we will gain a friend?

(i prolly ought to quote that verse....but its 2 am and I am too lazy.)

[FunkyTown]

Maybe some background on what the lie was about?

"I like your hair." when he meant, "I hate your hair but don't want you feeling badly." would make me think you might be overreacting.

"I'm not available this weekend." when he means, "I'm sorry. The idea of going to a Tuscany movie marathon bores me to tears, but I know you love those Tuscany movies, so I will just say I'm busy." might mean you and he aren't communicating in the same language.

"Give me money because my Mom has cancer and needs your help." might be fine for you to be angry.

Is my definition of little white lie different from yours? Because mine is of the 'I like your hair' variety.

[beefche]

You're still mad because you care and feel deep disappointment. There is always an underlying emotion behind any anger and yours is hurt.

The thing is, every sinigle person in your life is going to hurt and disappoint you. The reason why is because we are all human. Each of us comes from a different background, belief system, and life experience. Our job as friends and family is learn to forgive (and each time I have to forgive, I make it my goal to make the time from the hurt/anger to forgiveness shorter and shorter). We also need to learn what is hurtful to others and do our best to avoid it.

I can almost guarantee this person who hurt you has no clue the depth of hurt you are feeling. They think their lie was no big deal and you should not react the way you have. But because you held other beliefs about this person, to you this little lie shows something bigger. This person, I'm sure, thinks it's just a little thing--to you it is indicative of something bigger.

Would this person be sorry and never do it again if they knew how badly you were hurting? Maybe. But as I said before, forgiveness isn't about the other person--it's about you. You are the one torn up about this--you are the one still mad--you are the one who is dwelling on this. So, it's your burden to bear until you let it go.

You can do it, JB. I know you and know how good and strong you are. It may take time, but start thinking of forgiveness rather than the hurt and anger.

[NeuroTypical]

I used to get seriously hurt about such things like JBS did. Eventually, I learned how to fix myself and stop misplacing my trust in the arm of flesh. That does not mean giving up on trusting people. It does mean acknowledging that other people are just as fallen, sinful, error-prone, agenda-driven, baggage-carrying, and mistake-producing as I am.

Trusting someone to the point where you are dissapointed when they violate your trust is one thing. Trusting them to the point where you are so angry you call off the friendship is something else.

I think this is what maturity and strength look like: "Hey [friend], I know you lied to me when you said [X]. It's such a small dumb thing, but I didn't expect to see something like that come from a person I trusted. Want to tell me why you did it?"

LM

(Lord, help me bear to be around people who sin differently than I do.)

[Jbs2763]

the anger has faded...its been a week...the hurt hasn't tho...like i mentioned, i have a super hard time trusting people, especially of the opposite gender, and over the years i've been friends with this person..the trust meter got to 100%...now strait back to zero....and stuff like this effects your future relations with other humans.. and its never a positive thing... live and learn...shoulda learnt better

[FunkyTown]

the anger has faded...its been a week...the hurt hasn't tho...like i mentioned, i have a super hard time trusting people, especially of the opposite gender, and over the years i've been friends with this person..the trust meter got to 100%...now strait back to zero....and stuff like this effects your future relations with other humans.. and its never a positive thing... live and learn...shoulda learnt better

So this person was of the opposite gender?

It sounds to me like there is a much deeper aspect to this story than we're being told. Is it really the lie that hurt, or could it be that you were interested in her and this lie may have something to do with her not being interested in you and that exacerbated the situation?

I have a sneaking suspicion that, even if you feel it's the lie that bothered you, there is a lot more here. Could we get some background on what happened and what the lie was?

[Jbs2763]

So this person was of the opposite gender?

It sounds to me like there is a much deeper aspect to this story than we're being told. Is it really the lie that hurt, or could it be that you were interested in her and this lie may have something to do with her not being interested in you and that exacerbated the situation?

I have a sneaking suspicion that, even if you feel it's the lie that bothered you, there is a lot more here. Could we get some background on what happened and what the lie was?

no, i dont think i wanna say any more on it...

[Bini]

I don't think it's necessary for us to know all the gritty details.

I'll just add to what's already been said. I agree that we should forgive, regardless, of where the other person's heart is. Easier said than done. I've been known to hold grudges a long time, despite supposedly forgiving someone for their wrongdoings against me. But I know when I've truly forgiven someone because I let it go and free myself from the burden of carrying it with me.

[Tarnished]

I wrote a post about forgiveness a year or so ago in my personal blog. I am going to post below some of the things I wrote about forgiveness and trust.

"In life people sometimes hurt us, they sometimes do it accidentally, and sometimes they do it on purpose. Sometimes people apologize and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they don't even know they have caused a hurt. Forgiveness is something that can be hard to do. It is hard when someone has hurt us not to feel bitter, not to feel angry and betrayed. The idea of forgiveness seems not applicable or not worthy of some situations.

And yet, by refusing to forgive we often cause ourselves more pain. Problems do not go away on their own, they grow and grow, especially if we cling to them and brood on them. Forgiveness is a type of release, for ourselves as well as for the person we are forgiving.

Recently I forgave someone for something, because it had been on my mind, I talked to my husband about it. Something he said really hit me. "Forgiveness is a selfish thing. If I carry a grudge against someone I can feel it build and grow and eat away at me. It makes me dislike the person I am holding it against more, and makes that person feel worse as well. But by forgiving them I make myself feel better." It is true, forgiveness is a step in letting go of the pain, it is a step in allowing ourselves to become free of bitterness and anger at others. It is a step in making ourselves feel better, and thus it can be referred to as selfish.

Now by speaking of forgiveness I am not saying that we need to go about things foolishly. We should not set ourselves up to be hurt again and again. It is much like what I have said about trust. I can love someone greatly and not trust them, and often when someone has hurt me I will not trust them any longer though I may forgive them. For me it is trust that matters, trust is a fragile thing and it is so hard to gain it and so easy to ruin it. But lack of trust only makes me wary in situations, it does not lead me to no longer love people, it just causes me to be wary about certain situations with them.

Forgiveness is a choice. We can choose to cling to despair and pain, blaming those around us, much like we can cling to a grudge or a hurt and blame and grow to hate those who have hurt us. Or we can make a different choice. We can choose to see things differently, we can choose to forgive. It is up to us."

In the repentance process you learn that to be forgiven one must forgive, however forgiveness is not the same as trust. Forgive the person, but allow them to know that they have lost your trust and to regain it they will need to work hard.

[FunkyTown]

no, i dont think i wanna say any more on it...

While that's fine, JBS, just know that we can't give you any effective advice - No one can, when they don't know what's going on.

You are angry. Perhaps you are justified. Perhaps you are not. Perhaps you have too thin skin. Perhaps you have every right to be angry. Perhaps you should not trust this person again. Perhaps you should not let your trust be wounded so easily.

The one thing we can say without knowing anything: You should forgive this person and not gossip about them. That's the one rule that, regardless of circumstance, should be followed because it will be right every time.

Beyond that, I'm sorry you're feeling badly.