Are....you....kidding me?

[MorningStar]

Whatever reason he has for cheating on you, your health is in danger. I'm not going to tell you to leave him, but don't allow him to jeopardize your health.

[prisonchaplain]

If the concern is money, go into debt, go bankrupt if necessary. Do not let manna keep you from the life Heavenly Father means you to have. Unfaithfulness, regardless of underlying psychological causes, is the one reason even Jesus allows for divorce. He's already ripped your relationship apart for times. Each time, the healing leaves scars. If you know you need to leave but believe you can't afford to right now...you can't afford not to.

If there are other reasons, by all means, work through this with some godly personal counsel. Don't go it alone. Bless you during this horrific stretch of life's journey.

[rameumptom]

My wife's ex-husband was manipulative, as well. He really had a lot of people convinced how wonderful he was, even while cheating on her and abusing her (some physical, mostly emotional).

Your best bet for happiness is to leave him. Talk to your bishop and a few lawyers. It may be that they can help you financially get a divorce. The legal divorce will be beneficial to you, as it will force him to pay both child support AND alimony. Any guy that cheats on a faithful wife deserves to pay alimony, IMO (and many judges agree).

This will also prevent him from taking assets that you currently share. And if he gets into big debt, you will not be responsible for it, if you are divorced.

Finally, once divorced, you are back on the market to find a true and eternal companion, someone who will be honest and cherish you, take care of you, and give you the good life you deserve.

All of these are strong reasons for seeking the divorce, even if it is financially tough to do right now.

[talisyn]

I'm sorry

I'm not gonna tell you to divorce the bum, or burn all his stuff in the front yard ( ), but if you were my sister/cousin/niece I would advise you to start doing some heavy-duty financial and legal protecting. If he's this irresponsible in regards to physical issues he's probably doing the same money-wise. Cancel joint credit cards, try to pay off joint loans etc. Your bishop should be able to set you up with lawyers who would be able to give you some kind of a break with payments.

In a way it's fortunate this isn't the first time. Your bishop knows what you've been going though and may be able to give you even more help than before. Even if he can't, he can set you up with stuff like LDS social services and the Bishop's Storehouse as needed. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help! Many hugs and mugs of hot chocolate to you during this time.

[rameumptom]

I'm sorry

I'm not gonna tell you to divorce the bum, or burn all his stuff in the front yard ( ), but if you were my sister/cousin/niece I would advise you to start doing some heavy-duty financial and legal protecting. If he's this irresponsible in regards to physical issues he's probably doing the same money-wise. Cancel joint credit cards, try to pay off joint loans etc. Your bishop should be able to set you up with lawyers who would be able to give you some kind of a break with payments.

This won't help. If he makes a contract, she's legally bound to it, also. If he takes out his own credit cards and runs them up, as long as she is married to him, they can and will go after her for them. If he doesn't pay his taxes, the IRS can go after her for the taxes.

If he cannot be trusted, then she needs to totally separate from him. And he cannot be trusted. One time sin can be forgiven. Maybe even twice. But four times? It's time to divorce, so she can protect herself financially from this bum.

[ryanh]

Rachelle, how are you doing today? Getting by alright? Have you had a chance to get with your Branch President yet? What about stake/district president?

[ladykemma2]

Funky.... I wish he were just making it up. The teachers he works with all knew something was going on. Word just finally got around to me and so I checked his phone and text messages.

My husband is a very good looking, and charming person. Also a master manipulator. That's the problem. Four people in six months is nothing. I wouldn't be surprised if there were more.

As for the question that was asked. Yes I want my husband, I just want the husband I knew last year to be back. I don't want this person. I don't know who this person is. This is not who I married.

Loudmouth. You are 100% correct. I just don't want to start my life over yet again. I can't afford to. I cannot afford a lawyer either, and make too much money for legal aid. I literally have no extra income now that I got stuck with the bill over the summer when he ditched us. I had to blow through our savings just to pay the electric bill. How in the heck am I gonna get a lawyer?

I finally got my patriarchal blessing yesterday too. I came home so happy and peaceful. Then within minutes it was all snatched away. It's too much to deal with.

I'm just going to go to bed for a while and ignore it for a bit.

do you know about Sex Addiction? this is classic sex addiction. even the personality change. read everything you can get your hands on by patrick carnes. I suggest a hospitalization (for him) at The Meadows in wickenburg arizona. For you, you need the support of the CoSA (codependents of sex addicts) program. learn, baby, learn.

[will227457]

he may be a sex adict, and itis something to learn about, but why would you want something like that in your life or your childrens lives?

[RachelleDrew]

I wouldn't call him a sex addict by any means. While all of the relationships have been physical, they have not all resulted in sex. He's more of an attention addict, he fancies himself to be some kind of womanizer. He is fickle and "falls in love" at the drop of a hat.

To be frank, even if he did have some sort of addiction I no longer care. He has been urged for years to seek professional help and he never sticks with it. That's IF he relents and goes in the first place.

Once again, i'm completely puzzled by his choice in mistresses. The girl he is with now is not attractive. At all. I'm not pretty by any means, but this girl is severely overweight and not particularly hygienic. She's also a complete dolt and annoying as crap to be around.

How do I know? She was one of my former classmates in high school. *facepalm*

Perhaps I have an inflated ego here, but this is so confusing, all of the girls he's left me for don't have a fourth of what I have. I thought perhaps it was just my perception of the situation, but everyone who knows him is like "are you SURE he's sleeping with HER?" So I know it's not me. And he had the gall to tell me I was getting fat? This girl is a good three times bigger than I am.

Sorry, just ranting. We are going to talk about details this weekend. The state of Illinois already takes care of child support. As soon as you separate from your spouse, you petition for them to garnish your spouse's wages through the DHS office. The amount they take would be more than sufficient to cover his end of the support. I won't ask for any more than what the state requires him pay. I could probably get alimony too, but I don't want it. Too much trouble to go through the system to get it and I just want to get this OVER with as soon as I can.

We agree on assets, who gets what and everything. The only large items we own anymore are the computers and vehicles. We don't disagree on who gets which ones. Our bank accounts have been separated since he left this spring. We agree on custody sharing.

With all of these things in mind, do we still have to go to court and get lawyers and such? We don't disagree on anything. I really want to make this as non-complicated as possible and it seems like he is willing to comply with everything.

[ploomf]

Honestly, as erratic as your husbands behavior has been lately I'd sit down with a lawyer at least once. Right now he is cooperating with you but who knows how he'll feel tomorrow? So yeah I'd at least talk to a lawyer.

[will227457]

+1 at least talk to a lawyer....

[Jenamarie]

Honestly, as erratic as your husbands behavior has been lately I'd sit down with a lawyer at least once. Right now he is cooperating with you but who knows how he'll feel tomorrow? So yeah I'd at least talk to a lawyer.

I've got to agree with this. A sister in my ward who recently divorced had an ex who was perfectly co-operative at the beginning, then when he saw that she actually wasn't heart broken over his leaving, and was moving on without him, starting throwing curve-balls at her that really dragged out the divorce process.

If he's really such an attention-wh*** as you say, he may come to a point where he doesn't like that you don't want his attention any more, and may try to make the divorce difficult for you, just so that he can get your attention again.

[beefche]

Get a lawyer. And don't share the same lawyer. Get your own. No matter how cooperative he is now, divorces are rarely civil...at some point, things usually take a turn. Even is it remains civil, there is a possibility that one of his women could talk him into wanting more from you.

[Just_A_Guy]

Sorry, just ranting. We are going to talk about details this weekend. The state of Illinois already takes care of child support. As soon as you separate from your spouse, you petition for them to garnish your spouse's wages through the DHS office. The amount they take would be more than sufficient to cover his end of the support. I won't ask for any more than what the state requires him pay. I could probably get alimony too, but I don't want it. Too much trouble to go through the system to get it and I just want to get this OVER with as soon as I can.

We agree on assets, who gets what and everything. The only large items we own anymore are the computers and vehicles. We don't disagree on who gets which ones. Our bank accounts have been separated since he left this spring. We agree on custody sharing.

With all of these things in mind, do we still have to go to court and get lawyers and such? We don't disagree on anything. I really want to make this as non-complicated as possible and it seems like he is willing to comply with everything.

This looks like it may be helpful. If you aren't in Lake County, check the website of the court in the county where you live.

I second Beefche's advice. Under no circumstances should both parties to a divorce use the same lawyer. Ever. Not even if the lawyer's willing to do it, and the state's ethical rules allow it.

Edited October 5, 2009 by Just_A_Guy

[FairChild]

Call a lawyer and ask, many times the first visit is free. It was for me. Call the local abuse shelter. They should be able to tell you who is a good lawyer to work with. Also ask who you should avoid. Do things in a legal matter, dot your eyes and cross your t's. You may have decided on joint curstody, but if his behavior to you is an indicator of what is to come, it sounds as if your child is in for some hard times ahead and you do want him protected. It won't cost you anything to do those things. It's worth a try. Also get yourself medically tested. If you pick up the wrong STD it is a death sentence and if something happens to you, would you really want him to be the only one left caring for and influncing your child?

[RachelleDrew]

Thanks for all the thoughts folks. Just for those of you who are concerned, i've already been tested for STI's and AIDS/HIV. Several times in fact due to his indiscretions. *sigh*

I've spoken with a lawyer who is highly recommended in my area. He seems to be willing to work out some form of payment plan for the hourly work. He's also knocked a good chuck of money off the retainer fee, which is quite gracious of him.

I've told my husband that we are finished completely and utterly; of course the boo-hooing and apologies began. I'm tired of it. I am convinced it's not sincere and if it IS sincere he is so mentally disturbed that he cannot possibly keep his word. He flexes in and out of psychiatric care, and never sticks with it. Whatever.

Whatever is really the only word I can come up with to describe my situation. I'm somewhat flippant about it at this point because i'm just done. I will admit though, I will truly miss being a wife. It's what i'm good at, and what I enjoy most. I'll just need to focus on being a mother right now.

[BenRaines]

Just remember this. If you are intimate with him you are also exposing yourself to every person that he has been with and every person that they have been with and on and on.

If this happened to me I would insist on a one year no touch period and after that to be tested for no STD and then we can talk. 4 X how many other people and more and more.

Ben Raines

[Bini]

From my standpoint, you're absolutely doing the right thing, for yourself and your child :]

Stay focused and don't give into him. I was able to kick my ex out and stay in the house. But if you're not in that kind of situation maybe you can stay with family or a trusted friend? If for whatever reason you're stuck living with him for awhile - don't be intimate! You're done with him. You're moving on now.

[RachelleDrew]

Yeah....he doesn't get to touch me anymore. I've made myself very clear. Hasn't stopped him from attempting it though. Ah well.

[FairChild]

you really should be so proud of yourself. you are holding up well in a difficult situation. way to go girl!

[dazed-and-confused]

good for you......seems you tried your best to resolve issues and your ex...heh heh....ex, hasnt done a thing.

definately time to cut him loose and get on with your life.

by the way, sorry this happened to you.

[dazed-and-confused]

seems to me that your ex is displaying classical sexual addition......has there been any talk about this in the past?

surely it isnt a new term to you both.

was therapy ever an alternative?

[ploomf]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve to find someone who won't jerk you around like this.