Doing the right thing.

[FunkyTown]

As many know, I've been dating a girl for a while now(Our one year anniversary is February 27th). We've been talking of marriage, but I realized something was wrong when we were talking. I hugged her and asked her what was wrong.

She didn't want to say, but I let her know that she could say anything as long as she was honest. She then said that, though she definitely hadn't gotten a no and she loved me more than anything, she hadn't gotten a yes. She said she felt crazy because she hadn't felt a definite answer: No stupor of thought, no 'yes'. She thought she may have received her answer but that she didn't recognize it and she was worried.

So I hugged her, let her know it would be all right. I told her everyone has doubts and that's okay. I stroked her hair and said that everyone who is sane is worried when making plans that are so important. I looked her in the eyes and said she was amazing and that I had broad shoulders, that if she got the answer 'no', I would be sad but would get over it. That the most important thing was we do the will of Heavenly Father.

She was feeling weak and vulnerable at the time, so I tried to be her anchor, but I have to admit that it hurt me; Though I've learned in real life that I have to think through my reactions and then react afterwards, This has me thinking:

I just want to have an answer. Prayer, going to the temple, talking to the Bishop... These don't seem to be getting us any closer. I'd rather, if the answer was 'No', break things off now and go through the healing process. Despite the fact that I would never say this, hearing something like that just fanned my own difficulties.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm a little hurt, confused and like all guys I want to solve this problem and not stew in limbo, but taking any action right now might be the wrong one and exacerbate things. Bleah.

[somuchtogive]

That's a toughie.

Perhaps a little time away from each other will help you sort out any feelings of confusion. But be prepared...it may not have the affect you would like it to have.

Sometimes things take time. Perhaps you can pray for guidance on what to do.

I know from personal past experience that I just didn't know what to do when I had a guy who wanted to marry me. It is a bit stressful when one is ready and the other is not. Prayer...seek some help from up above, make a decision, move forward and have faith. Easier said than done. I know. The answer may be as simple as to be patient or it might be to move on.

Best of luck.

[beefche]

Awwww Funky. First, YAY! I thought you were dating someone, but you never really said...how fantastic for you!

Second, awwww, you are so good! Reassuring her was the right thing to do. Women just don't want to hurt the ones they love and find it difficult to discuss topics that can be hurtful. Thank you for being such a good man and trying to be her support in that vulnerable moment.

Third, awwww, it's so hard to hear the Spirit, recognize Him, and then do it. Prayers so often seem unanswered--does that mean No? does that mean Wait? does that mean Keep praying? and on and on. I don't have a definitive answer for you. And I'm going to suspect no one does. But maybe others who have been in a similar position can say something that helped them and may inspire some different thinking on your part.

[rameumptom]

First, is she seeking the answer correctly? Is she just asking God to tell her, or is she weighing it out, making a decision and then asking God if it is A right decision? (Note the "A", as I believe most of us could be right in marrying a wide variety of people. I don't believe there is just one soulmate for us).

Second, sometimes God doesn't care. He trusts us and our agency. Perhaps she is not getting an answer, because God already knows she can choose for herself. D&C warns us about being slothful servants, who seek God to answer everything for us. He wants us to make good decisions for ourselves on many occasions. Yes, we should make the decision, and then seek a confirmation from Him, but if we do not get an answer either way, perhaps it is just Him letting us make our own decision.

[Wingnut]

Answers don't always come right away. Sometimes we have to wait and keep asking for awhile before they come.

I read a book last year by Malcolm Gladwell called Outliers. He has other books, one of which is Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. I haven't read it, but one of my friends has. We talked about it at book group when we discussed Outliers, and one of the things she said he talks about in the book is that we tend to put so much weight and effort into big decisions, when those are the ones where we usually end up trusting our gut anyway (or we should). It's the smaller things that we should spend more effort on.

Now, I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend should skip the prayer process, but it's something to consider. When my friend talked about that, it made sense to me. By the time my husband and I had been dating for only about 3 weeks, I had a gut feeling that what we had was different. The "eternity" concept hadn't really formed in my head yet about him, but I could tell something was different.

(By the way, I also didn't know you were dating someone, much less so seriously. :))

[NeuroTypical]

I fasted for three days and showed up to my patriarchical blessing with an engagement ring in my hand before I got an answer.

[coral]

Hi, i know im new around here so dont no any of you, but thought id have a little say.

try not to worry so much. maybe she just needs some time to work it out and when the time is right for her she will give you your answer :)

[Elgama]

did you offer her a blessing? or get one yourself or both?

[Bini]

Don't rush things. That's my two cents.

Maybe take a breather from each other for a bit and get some fresh air. Like others have said, answers of confirmation don't always come immediately and take time. This is a big decision and it's possible that the reality of marriage has "hit" her. Getting cold feet is somewhat normal. If she hasn't dated many other men, maybe she's reconsidering doing the dating thing a bit longer and not commit right away. And I second what others have said, maybe a blessing is in order, for you and her.

Good vibes sent your way.

[Guest]

Let me get this straight... everything is going really well - you love her, she loves you, you know her, she knows you, you still love her, she still loves you, you are both good for each other...

but, she doesn't want to say yes because she didn't think God answered her question? I thought the good stuff you do for her and her feelings towards you while you are both following God's commandments would be God's way of answering her question...

It's like the old story about the shipwrecked man who says no to the boats coming by to rescue him because he thinks God is going to scoop him out of the waters Himself. Well, Funky, sometimes God just sends out the boat.

[Just_A_Guy]

FWIW, Funky, neither my wife nor I got affirmative "yes"-es; we just kind of took the "let us know if it's wrong" approach--and here we are, seven years later, happily married.

[YoungMormonRoyalist]

Not every action, even the important ones, needs to be confirmed before hand by God. Right now, you may be asking God "Should we get married?" Your Father might be looking down, smiling, and saying, "It's up to you." Remember, sometimes it is after the trial of faith that we receive our witness.

[Iggy]

She said she felt crazy because she hadn't felt a definite answer: No stupor of thought, no 'yes'. She thought she may have received her answer but that she didn't recognize it and she was worried.

Funky, I am going to address just the stupor of thought part.

Personally, when I have stupor of thought- that means no. When my thoughts are jumbled, confused - then it is something I am NOT to do.

Just from that phrase alone - if she actually said that with the no 'yes' right afterward - I think she is personally adding to her own confusion.

You both need to put this question on the altar, and give it ten coats of time.

Marriage is a HUGE and permanent commitment- You are doing everything right, BTW :) So keep on doing it. Give her time.

[MorningStar]

I got a yes and my husband didn't get a no. He just told God that he wanted to marry me and if He had anything to say about it, he better do it quick. He later read his Patriarchal Blessing and it mentioned, "The girl of your choice" or something like that. Sometimes He trusts us to make our own decisions because we're capable.

[DB37]

You're describing the situation my wife and I went through perfectly. I was ready to get married very soon into our relationship. It took her six months to receive her confirmation that it was the right thing. During this time I suffered, I lamented, and I didn't know what to do. The inner turmoil was horrible. I felt exactly like you did--if the answer was going to be "no," then just get on with it so I can pick up the pieces and move on with my life. Then she finally received a "yes," and we just celebrated our first anniversary a few weeks ago. And the great thing is that all of her concerns melted, and now it seems that she--although don't let this be an indication that I am unhappy in any way--enjoys our marriage even more than I do.

Give her time, and try not to stress about it too much (I KNOW that it's very hard not to). Be sweet and treat her in a way that would make her want to be married to you--although it sounds like you're already doing that. The six months I had to wait seemed like an eternity at the time, but in retrospect, it was just a little season of trial. Stay strong.