"Don't Complain To Me"

[kileyizzle]

The above title, is what my bishop said before hanging up on me.

Here's the fascinating backstory.

I am a convert, still relatively green, (YSA Rep for my ward), I haven't even hit the two year mark yet, so i'm struggling coming to terms with the Gospel let alone the people.

The issue at hand?

There was a personal dispute between myself and another member of the same ward, i repeatdly approached this person both in person, and via e-mail to discuss the issue at hand. Until it was launched all over Facebook for the entire world to see.

At this point, I deactivated my FB account and opened a new one, disregaurding the course of action that had occured. My freind, also a convert wrote an aggressive E-mail to the member, i am unaware of what the e-mail says, nor do i care, it's not for me to know about it's between herself and the member.

For three days, I've had the relief society president of my ward, call and harass me. There is no other way to describe what she has been doing. Basically i needed help concerning health issues which concerned the Bishop. ( i'm about to become homeless and am being tested for cancer )

The RS president, has accused me of things i have not done, apparently i have control over my freinds agency, and am slandering the member in question. I also know what was written and it's my responsiblity to ensure she does not speak like that. I attempted to inform her that i did not know, which is when she replied " i don't have to listen to this rubbish " and hung up on me. Brillant, she is a temple worker too. Pfffft.

After the third day of this i approached my bishop, and was greeted with this loving response. "Don't complain to me" followed by him hanging up as well.

I'm sorry but this is not right, correct?

Who do i talk to about this issue? Considering that the Bishop and the RS are the people i would of usually gone too?

[Elgama]

you have a Stake President if you are really unhappy, I am facing a similar issue but my daughter is the target. The gospel is the Lord's sometimes the actions of the people within it are not always inspired. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt - maybe the RS President had PMS and then chewed out the Bishop, who could be dealing with financial or health issues of his own - have known it happen lol, but sometimes things are more than just humanity messing up sometimes they are wrong. The church has the structure for a reason, and there is always someone else to go to help it make sense. It is very rare for problems in the Church to be anything other than people uninspired because their own life go in the way - BUT sometimes the greatest threat comes from within. Pray about it - if it feels right send RS President a card and maybe apologise to the person who had the email, not for something you didn't do but maybe for the hurt they feel. But pray first, study your scriptures first, if you decide to do it know you are doing it becuse its right and not because its something you eexpect thanks for - if not just go straight to the Stake President

Do you know who your Home Teachers are it sounds like you need a blessing

[kileyizzle]

Nah, i don't know my home teachers are.

I've been told to swallow my pride and just agree with what they have been saying.

But i have respect for myself and i won't do it. I am a Convert, and a little well, completely disgusted over what has occured.

Fact of the matter is, my faith is based on the gospel, the gospel is my salvation, it is dependent on God, not the people.

I've prayed about it with a willing heart, and the intent of attempting to patch up the burnt bridges so to speak.

Usually i'm fairly easy going about this kinda stuff, but when i am being personally called, and held responsible for something i did not do, let alone have a chance to defend myself against the onslaught of accusations, seems a little unjustified to just agree with them and let bygones be bygones.

It just doesn't seem right that i have to be the one to confrom when i attempted to make the effort already ya know?

[sleepless3977]

hi there from Aus also..... i had this happen to a friend of mine while i was in youth. Eventually my friend went to the Stake President as she had no other leaders that she could turn to in the ward.

i would say do this under prayful guidance and make sure that the spirit has confirmed that this is what you should do. Always remember that the Church is true regardless of the people in it. People are human and make mistakes.

[JudoMinja]

Probably the best approach you could take to this is a lot of introspection. People aren't perfect, and it can be very difficult when others seem judgmental, especially if they are harrassing you and it seems like no one wants to help. However, it is your choice how you decide to handle this.

You don't need to share the details of your situation on here, but you should give those details a lot of study and thought. Don't worry or fret about what others have done wrong. Instead focus on yourself and figure out how you can improve how you are dealing with this. It is rare that there is a completely guiltless party in a disagreement, even if that responsibility is minimal. Maybe the only thing you have done wrong is to be unforgiving?

Figure out where YOU'VE been going wrong, and apologize where necessary. Then, let go of what the others have done wrong. If you take the higher road and do what you can to help those who are not treating you appropiately, your behavior will stand as an example and they SHOULD recognize their own pettiness and come to their senses.

My brother once had a problem with a kid at school that picked on him all the time. He would get bullied and beat up on a regular basis. My dad's advice to him when this kid tried to steal his bike was to give him the helmet too. At one point, we even made cookies and brought them over to his family.

You're right that it is wrong for them to try to push you into conforming and make you take responsibility for what your friend did. However, you can choose to let it go.

[jadams_4040]

Nah, i don't know my home teachers are.

I've been told to swallow my pride and just agree with what they have been saying.

But i have respect for myself and i won't do it. I am a Convert, and a little well, completely disgusted over what has occured.

Fact of the matter is, my faith is based on the gospel, the gospel is my salvation, it is dependent on God, not the people.

I've prayed about it with a willing heart, and the intent of attempting to patch up the burnt bridges so to speak.

Usually i'm fairly easy going about this kinda stuff, but when i am being personally called, and held responsible for something i did not do, let alone have a chance to defend myself against the onslaught of accusations, seems a little unjustified to just agree with them and let bygones be bygones.

It just doesn't seem right that i have to be the one to confrom when i attempted to make the effort already ya know?

keep trying, keep praying, keep confidence in yourself and the lord, and go see the stake president;:)

[georgia2]

Sometimes when people are told something they automaticllly think it's true without hearing the other side. Sounds like this may be the case here. It also seems they are counting you responsible becasue you were involved with the beginning, told things to your friend, who then took it to another level. Maybe they are counting you responsible from the beginning and now what it has turned in to.

If you stop to think of it........ could this be the situation?

Sometimes when ears don't want to hear a note of explanation could break through. Explaining the circumstances, taking credit or what you did do, and explain the rest of the situaiton without the emotionlal verbalizing could possibly help your RS Pres and anyone else to see things in a less than black and white circumstance.

This also sounds like a tremendeous learning situation for ALL involved parties! One, be careful who you tell you woes to. Second, tell whomever you confide in for support to keep it to herself as well. This would have avoided the whole facebook advertising!

Edited January 24, 2010 by georgia2

[miztrniceguy]

Just remember that they are people. See my signature.

[Roseslipper]

who is john galt??? Please dont let this anger or hurt feelings u might have stay with in your heart, let it go. And dont let this make you leave the church. The gospel is true, and we the people try to do what is right but we are far from perfect. And I agree if you have too, you should speak with your stake Pres. Hang in there sister, above and beyond all of this is the most important thing That God Loves YOU and dont ever FORGET THIS Your just as special and important as any one of us. Getting a Blessing is also a very good idea....

[johnnylingo]

Maybe your bishop felt it was something best handled by yourself??

Anyway, it takes two people to fight, and you can chose not to fight. You can chose to forgive those who have wronged you, do your best to avoid difficult people, let others have their way when it doesn't infringe on your rights, sincerely apologize for things you might have handled better, and even bake a plate of cookies with a note saying something like "I know we've had our differences in the past, this is something I really regret, and hopefully we can start over."

Yes, it is completely unfair that you should be the one to repair everything while the other person does nothing, and no, it isn't right that you should be the one to "conform"- but you should still chose not to fight. Holding on to your anger and delaying rebuilding relationships will only hurt yourself.

[Elphaba]

It is compeltely inappropriate for your bishop to have hung up on you.

I'm not saying he has to agree with you, because it sounds like he doesn't. If that is the case, then he should explain that to you, and if he doesn't want to talk about it any further, which is his right, he should tell you that, and you should accept it and not talk to him about it again.

I cannot even begin to imagine the drama that he, and all bishops, must have to deal with in other people's lives. But he is 1) an adult, and 2) the man who has stewardship over his ward, including you. Hanging up on you, or anyone else in his ward, is immature and inappropriate.

I have to wonder if he isn't dealing with a very difficult thing in his own personal life that has him stretched beyond his limit, because when we do things we shouldn't, like hang up on someone, especially when s/he is under our authority, it's usually because we're stressed beyond what we can handle at the moment. Perhaps you could consider that possibility and, while not excusing his hanging up on you, you could give him your compassion.

I also wonder if a little time from the situation would help. Sometimes when we step back for a bit, we can see a perspective that would have been impossible to while in the midst of the situation. You certainly should not put up with any bullying, from either your RS president or the bishop, but maybe you're doing something that is preventing the real issue from being addressed, and instead, the situation is escalating out of control.

I believe you should approach your bishop again, as homelessness and cancer are things he should know about, but if he hangs up on you again, then you've got a real problem. But I highly doubt that would happen.

Elphaba

[Elgama]

completely agree with Elphaba, sometimes its just wrong, give your Bishop one more chance, put both yours and his names on the Temple Prayer Roll and I suggest asking him for a blessing to handle the situation as you don't know who your Home Teachers are. That will give both you and him revelation. If he won't then phone the Stake President

[marianomarini]

I went into this kind of troubles after about 30 years of membership, and I grant you that my fillings were not different from yours!

It was an hard time.But my thought was, and still remain: "I've a testimony about this Church and if there's some who had to leave it, this is not me!"

Our first idea is to establish fairness. We want that guilta and reasons are fair distinguished. But Gospel is more than that.

As others said before, watch to yourself. My temple reccomend was ritired, I was not able to go with my son ito the temple for his endowment before going to mission field, ecc.

I felt bad? Surely, but have Jesus suffered less?

The Great Italian poet said: "Non ti curar di lor ma guarda e passa". It sound like: "Don't be hurt by others but look and go ahead"!

Sorry for my bad English. I would be able to confort you the best I can.

[kileyizzle]

Thank You!

All of you for your lovely responses! It really brought tears to my eyes, felt the spirit really strong seeing all the things you've written! It's really overwhelming to see that even if things right now aren't going so smoothly that there are people like all of you who responded taking the time, to really help people, from the bottom of my heart thank you so SO much.

I didn't attend church, for two reasons today, 1> Because i felt extremely Ill, 2> To Avoid the dramas.

I figured maybe a weeks break would do me some good, besides hadn't the energy to attend.

I plan on putting myself and bishop on the prayer roster for the temple as well as the other partys involved this Wednesday.

I was really close with all the members involved, so it's a shame that a personal dispute was having to be taken to church anyways, kinda like never had a family, so they were all i had, pending everything else that's occuring it really lifts my heart to see such empathy thank you so much

xxx

[MsQwerty]

This and another post I just read on bullying at church just gets me so annoyed. I'm completely OVER the way we are told to 'forgive' and look at what we ourselves are doing, even when we are being abused and maligned at church. I went through a similar situation once, and instead of taking the offenders to task, I simply prayed and asked Heavenly Father to soften their hearts. It didn't happen. I rationalized that this small group of women's hatred for me was something I was meant to endure and learn from. I was systematically run out of the branch I'd attended for ten years, my character was maligned, and lies were told that shocked me. What hurt the most was that none of the 'friends' I'd had at church came to my defense - not one, nor did any of the leaders. If I had my time over, I would most definitely confront those people involved and not allow myself to be trodden over like some pathetic doormat. Long term - it had devastating effects on my emotional and spiritual well-being. Even now, fifteen years later, it has the power to bring tears to my eyes. And anger too, I am angry for not valuing myself enough to take it further.

So my advice to you, is that if your bishop is not sympathetic, see your Stake President - get it resolved. People in the church simply cannot be allowed to hide behind the power of their callings. Of course in any conflict situation we need to do some serious reflection and introspection to see what we may have contributed, but sometimes it really isn't anything we've done. There are mean, nasty, vindictive people in the church as well as out of it - and nothing we can do can change it. Matter of fact, I found that the nicer and more understanding I was, the worse I was treated. Do take care of yourself - get this resolved in as speedy a manner as possible, otherwise it may chip away at your emotions, your spirit and ultimately your faith.

I had two situations in the same branch. The first was the bullying and abuse I suffered at the hands of a small group of nasty, gossipy women. The second was when I was assaulted by a man I'd been dating. I was covered in bruises on every part of my body except for my face - when I went to see the branch president, his only comment was 'he didn't do too much harm, you don't have any marks on you'. At that point I lifted up parts of my dress, as modestly as possible, to show him what kind of 'harm' I'd suffered. Next thing I got a call from the district president to tell me that because my assaulter was a newly baptized member, we should be careful how we dealt with the situation because if I went to the police he might go to prison, and then we might lose him as a member of the church forever. He said he was keeping an 'eternal perspective' on the situation. I went to the police who told me to press charges, but after going home and praying about it, I decided the right thing to do would be to heed my church leaders' counsel. This man got off scott free for something he should have gone to jail for, and of course he never showed his face at church again because he was a lousy coward.

The effect of those two situations spiralled me into a deep depression for years after the attack, and I was left with feelings of worthlessness, of being unloved and unwanted in my own church. I went inactive for over a decade and still haven't found my way back fully because every time I set foot in a chapel all those negative and hurtful feelings come rushing back. Church is not a place of peace and respite for me, even if it's not purposeful, I feel shunned and it can all be traced back to when church leaders simply did not do the right thing in protecting and defending me at a time in my life when it was needed. Those experiences were devastating to my spiritual pysch, and the effects linger even today. There was even a brief period where I thought it might just be easier to commit suicide to be free of the pain.

Don't let anything like that happen to you. I was as strong in the gospel as anyone you'd ever meet at church, and yet I was almost destroyed by what happened. See the Stake President, heck, take it to the mission president if no-one is prepared to help you resolve the situation.

Sorry to be such a downer, but every time I read something like this I just wish I'd had the wisdom not to take the 'pray and love them anyway' approach to bullies and liars.

[Elgama]

MsQwerty I totally agree people need to be stood upto, but forgiveness isn't for the one that offends you it is for yourself, without it the bullies continue to bully well after the event, and for my part I am refusing to let that happen. The story of Chief Sam Blue comes to mind - nothing takes away from the evil perpertrated against him and his family, but forgiveness would give him peace and allow him to move on, what happened to his child makes what happened to mine pale into insignificance, that doesn't mean those men should not have faced justice. I don't actually knew what happened but if he had allowed hatred and revenge in it would destroy him and his family

One day my eleven-year-old son went squirrel hunting with six other Indians. He saw a squirrel run up a tree and climbed up to scare it out on a limb. After he had done this he called to the others to hold their fire until he could get down. One of the Indians in the hunting party had always been jealous of me and my position as chief. He and his son both shot deliberately at my boy. He was filled with buckshot from his knees to his head. The Indians carried my boy towards home and found a spot where they lay him while they ran for the doctor.

A friend came and found me and said, “Sam, run home at once; your boy has been shot.” I ran all the way home and found my boy near death. The doctor was there and said my boy would not live. He was right; the boy died in a few minutes.

The man and son who had done the shooting were in my front yard visiting with members of the crowd that had gathered. They did not appear to be upset at their deed. My heart filled with revenge and hatred. Something seemed to whisper to me, “If you don’t take down your gun and kill that man who murdered your son, Sam Blue, you are a coward.”

Now I have been a Mormon ever since I have been a young lad and I knew it would not be right to take revenge. I decided to pray to the Lord about it. I walked to my secret place out in the timber where I always have gone to pray alone when I have a special problem, and there I prayed to the Lord to take revenge out of my heart. I soon felt better and started back to the house. But again I heard something inside whisper, again I turned back and prayed until I felt better. On my way back to the house I again heard the voice say, “Sam Blue, you are a coward.” I turned again and went back to pray and this time I told the Lord he must help me or I would be a killer. I asked him to take revenge out of my heart and keep it out. I felt good when I got up from praying. I went back to the house a third time and when I reached the house I went out and shook hands with the Indian who had killed my boy. There was no hatred or desire for revenge in my heart. (See Marion G. Romney, The Power of God unto Salvation, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year [Provo, 3 Feb. 1960], pp. 6–7.)

[kileyizzle]

Wow, thank you so much for sharing msqwerty!

I too feel that Church is more of a High School than a place of worship. So often i've been fed the you don't go to church for the people but to strengthen your relationship with heavenly father.

Truth. That is.

But life was not intended to be played solo, it's a team sport.

Basically the Bishop, RS President are aware of my current situation.

They are also aware of my history of abuse, ( survived 17 years of physical, sexual abuse from family members ) , So they are both aware of my situation. I also have Bipolar, Anxiety and Depression.

Angry and Hurt a little. But simply more frustrated that knowing the history i had that i was still treated the way i was.

As both of these members have important callings they demand respect. Where was my respect when they hurled accusations and slander my way ?

I love church. I love the Gospel.

I will pray, i Will attempt to let go. Heavenly Father Knows that.

But i truly feel that, being a convert, them knowing my history and what not ( Also pending the fact that i have to go into hospital shortly ) The ball truly is in their court this time, i'e done as much as i can w

[Just_A_Guy]

Elphaba, that was awesome.

Just sayin'

[Wingnut]

The thing that keeps coming to mind for me over and over again as I read the OP is that there are two sides to every story. I'd be interested to know the other side (or sides, as it may be) from their point of view, not the OP's slighted sarcastic narrative.

Yes this is harsh and unsympathetic, but I think it's accurate.

[kileyizzle]

The thing that keeps coming to mind for me over and over again as I read the OP is that there are two sides to every story. I'd be interested to know the other side (or sides, as it may be) from their point of view, not the OP's slighted sarcastic narrative.

Yes this is harsh and unsympathetic, but I think it's accurate.

I don't think it's harsh and unsympathetic at all, infact it is the same attitude i wish my bishop and RS president exercised...

The issue was, that a family that i was close with had been slowly pushing me away, i had attempted speaking to them about this numerous times.

There was then a few nasty posts on FB which is when i deactivated my account to avoid the drama. At that stage i had several members harassing me in the familys defence saying basically that they are golden and haven't done anything wrong.

The only thing i posted on her page was, " hai, i tried calling you yesturday but got voice mail, looks like i might be homeless speak to you soon "

At this point of time somebody, actually the only person who did speak up for me sent an e-mail to the family. I don't know what was said, nor do i care. This was not between myself and the family but between her and them.

It was at this inital stage that i recieved phone calls from the RS president stating that i knew what was written, that it is my responsibility to make my freind take it back and tha it's rubbish. I was accused of being homeless because i spent money on clothing and other luxarys. I was told that i am responsible for her actions, and that it is entirely my fault.

Now this family had said nasty things to her, about her to anybody and anyone who listened, so she was well within her rights to say something.

The ward it's self has had three baptisims over the last 2 years. 2 of them were me and her. It's a clicky enviroment and i've spoken to bishop MANY times about it, met with the response, " give it time " or " i don't have to make people like you "

It makes a mockery of the church and everything it stands for, that this was taken to the RS president and Bishop, Even more dissapointing are their responses. The church should have never been involved, and the fact that the only person bearing the brunt of the whole thing is me, i have every right in the world to be angry.

My narrative my be sarcastic but atleast it's honest.

[pam]

I don't think it's harsh and unsympathetic at all, infact it is the same attitude i wish my bishop and RS president exercised...

Kiley I think you are missing Wingnut's point when she said it would be nice to hear the side of all involved. Right now we are hearing your side of your interraction between your Bishop and Relief Society President. Would be nice to hear their side as well.

But I do hope everything works out okay for you.

[kileyizzle]

right now it doesn't seem like everything will be okay...

[sleepless3977]

i'll probably come off sounding like a right git here but here goes........

just re-read this thread and the following came to mind:

D & C 64

9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

yes bullying and those that bully and lie need to be stopped and it is human tendancy to harbour feelings of anger towards these people but the Lord is pretty straight forward. I know it is hard to let go such things when clearly you should have a been given a better chance to articulate yourself.

Things will get better, and i'm sure your faith will guide you. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path" - (Just came to mind again, can't remember the scriptural reference)

[ryanh]

Kileyizzle - I read through this yesterday, but didn't comment. I haven't re-read through it this morning, but now, have a comment. Go figure.

Perhaps the next time you call the Bishop try a different tact. Don't let recounting the situation become the center of conversation. Rather ask him for his counsel. Nephi, even though worthy and capable of receiving his own answers, asked his father for guidance when his father was having a tough time and not doing the best he could. 1 Nephi 16:23–24 Take lead in helping the Bishop help you as he should be doing by following the pattern Nephi exemplified. Nephi didn't recount to his father what had happened. He helped him refocus on what needs to happen to go forward, and in so doing, led Lehi to fulfill his appropriate role as head of the group.

[kileyizzle]

Hai Guys,

Well i still haven't been able to go back to church yet and really am at a loss...