I Know I'm Going to Regret Posting This

[LostSheep]

Yeah, I know. LostSheep's back in the advice forums. Never a good sign. Just note that I'm kinda venting here. I might say things I might regret. Yeah...most of it probably whining...self pity...excuses...and anger...I know...Waaaah.

On second thought, let's try NOT go down that road...Here's where I'm at. There was a time, one month ago, where I made it a week...an entire week...without giving into my addiction. I took the sacrament. Then I messed up, and have been doing so since. I haven't been going to church. I haven't been going to the 12 step class. I hardly leave my house anymore. I spend all week, digging myself deeper into the addiction, and the chicken out, and avoid church. Then on willpower alone, I try to pick myself up, like right now, and keep going. But it's never enough, and I fall back down again.

In my heart, I know that there is more to life to this pattern that I call my life. But I'm confused. I don't know the meaning of life. I don't know why I'm here, or what I'm doing. In my mind, I can only process 2 goals: Get porn, or avoid porn. That's it. And frankly, they both make me miserable.

I'm on the edge of defeat here. Part of me wants to give up, and just leave. Leave the church and come back when I'm more mature, if at all. Maybe if I got rid of the resistance, I would just be happier. But a small part of me wants to keep on trying. And It's hard for me to ignore that.

Something needs to change. It's obvious. What I'm doing isn't working. Perhaps I'm not looking for the right thing. Perhaps I already have what I need. Perhaps this post is so long that no one is reading anymore. There was a time when the gospel to me meant more than anything. Now, I ignore it. Even avoid it. I don't pray...When I do, I feel like my words don't make it past the roof. I don't read the scriptures....The bishop said no less than an hour a day. It was so overwhelming for me, that I stopped reading all together.

Here's where the advise comes in...5 simple words.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

I don't want pity, I don't want comfort, I don't want attention, and I don't want respect. I want the truth. And I want help. I'm having a melt down...

[RachelleDrew]

Sheeps, there is nothing wrong with YOU. You aren't defective or broken or "bad" you are a human being with an addictive personality and a void of some kind that you are needing to fill. Unfortunately, you are filling it with porn.

Running away from the church won't help you one bit. Don't you see where this is coming from? The fact that you came to the conclusion that avoiding the church would be a good idea should send a lightbulb off over your head. You are vulnerable, and the enemy is abusing your vulnerability.

This is exactly what satan is plotting for you: make you feel so bad and down about yourself that you pull away from all the wonderful, amazing things the lord has in store for you.

The enemy is no longer privy to the blessings of our heavenly father, so he's going to do anything and everything he can to make you deny your own potential blessings. He doesn't have a body, so he's going to try and make you abuse your own. Please recognize that your feelings that you aught to leave the church because you are sinning are just a bunch of lines he's feeding you in order to pull you away from REAL happiness.

Let me tell you about something. I struggled with drugs severely when I was in my late teens. Drug addiction is very similar to pornography/masturbation addiction (which I also had issues with, I promise I was more screwed up than you are: D ). I can look back now and see that when I was trying to quit, I would occasionally hit a rough patch where I would doubt myself and relapse. Then because I was having feelings of inadequacy and shame, I would REALLY relapse and go into a drug binge. The cycle of shame and guilt would just dig me further into my own personal hell.

You see how a negative outlook can affect your addiction? It just fuels it, because these negative feelings you have now are probably what began your addiction in the first place.

You need to make a few choices.

1. Give these feelings up to your heavenly father. You may feel like you've got the weight of the world on your back due to your sins, but you don't have to feel that way. These are the type of burdens that Christ gave his life for. Lean on your heavenly father, on Jesus Christ and on the holy spirit. They will help you carry your heavy load if you let them.

2. If satan wants a war over your body and thoughts, give him one. You posses more strength than you could ever imagine, and you can defeat him with help (see #1). I wake up almost every day thinking to myself how many regrets I have or how many mistakes i've made. But it only takes a second or two for me to say "not today, this day belongs to god." and hit my knees to pray. It is honestly the only way I can make it through my day sometimes without just breaking down in tears. You have to keep on your guard for temptation, and be cognizant of the fact that even the smallest negative thought can blow your entire day's efforts. The minute you feel a negative feeling: about yourself or about anything else, immediately ask for protection.

3. Give yourself some credit. A whole week is an AWESOME start, and a huge improvement from where you were a few months ago. Please don't let the enemy con you into thinking that the week you abstained means nothing now since you've relapsed. It means something to your heavenly parents, who are probably rooting for you right now to make it one week and a day, then one week and TWO days.

You were given some stellar advice in the past on how to abstain from your addiction, don't stop using those wise words. Just like anything else this takes time and consistent application of effort.

I'm sorry you are having it so rough. Just know that you AREN'T the only person with this problem, and you aren't beyond help. I think you must have some serious spiritual potential for satan to be attacking you so violently. Just keep that thought in mind.

[LostSheep]

Thank you RachelleDrew...Your words mean more to me than you know. And I needed them now more than ever. Thank you for writing that response.

[Gwen]

Here's where the advise comes in...5 simple words.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

I don't want pity, I don't want comfort, I don't want attention, and I don't want respect. I want the truth. And I want help. I'm having a melt down...

yes you need the truth. that starts with you. stop lying to yourself, face the truth, do the hard things.

[Gramajane]

I just read about how our bodies when without the essential amino acids- get into addictions-- because the addictions cause our brains to make FAKE chemicals that for a TIME make us feel better

but it is the REAL naturally (when we were eating whole organic foods and didn't go on diets that made our bodies deprived of these essentialS!) in the body amino acids.

So there is a NATURAL supplement that you can get even at Walmart- it is called 5-htp

and it has helped me feel so much better-- my only addiction was food- but they use this (and others the book I read was the "Diet Cure" and a related by same author is Mood Cure-

as they use these to help people with even drug, alcohol and tobacco addictions too!

I think you might also benefit from watching a movie "Fireproof" (he got rid of his computer!) as the only way he was able to not be caught-- (plus he did positive things too)

also get a priesthood blessing,

and maybe if you don't like reading scriptures- can you have them audio instead of music?

God bless you! gramajane

[Nikkie85]

Remember you are a child of God and that he loves you. Have you ever considered going to a actual rehab facility? The 12 step programs are great but you might need a 90 day program. Prayer can be hard in a time of trial but your father in heaven is waiting to bless you.

[Misshalfway]

I don't want pity, I don't want comfort, I don't want attention, and I don't want respect. I want the truth. And I want help. I'm having a melt down...

You DO want pity and comfort and attention. If you'd wanted help, you would have gone to a 12 step meeting.

[john doe]

You know what to do, you laid out in your first post what you're not doing that you know you should be. Now you just have to keep reminding yourself to do them.

[dazed-and-confused]

this is exactly what you need, i guess, this meltdown. if you take a good look at yourself, you'll see that you are right in the middle of the classic addictive process.

you engage your addiction, you feel guilt and shame, you stop the addiction, you feel good----perhaps you want to celebrate your "control" over your addiction by engaging in you addiction, perhaps the fact that you have guilt and shame for so long, when you DON"T feel it you get shakey and re-engage your addiction, and then re-engage when you DO feel good----and the constant lying to yourself.

if you are looking for salvation or deliverance from your addiction ANYPLACE other than within yourself, you wont find it.

if you manipulate others by repetedly going on, goin off the "wagon", and then expect them to listern continually about your trials and pain and how lost you are, they might get tired of being your "audience".

if you use this post, or any other post, as a feed to your own guilt and shame and then re-engage your addiction, people will recognise it more than you think, and might be less perceptive to you wanting help.

addicts use people, plain and simple.

addicts enjoy the pain and guilt and shame, period.

addicts eventually allienate themselves from the rest of the world and then cry out about how nodoby likes them.

recovery is a hard process, one that needs FULL attention and watchfullness.

recovery reqires honesty.

recovery requires the same amount of drive that the addict puts into their addiction, if not more.

and when you fall down, you need to get back up.

again......and again........and again.

recovery takes effort EACH AND EVERY DAY.

be mindful of yourself, read everything you can, it will sink in.

do not stop going to church.

do not allienate yourself.

good luck.

[skippy740]

Here's some things you can do:

1. Get K9 web-blocker

2. Set up a web-time block within K9 to have the internet shut off at late night. I have mine "cut me off" from 10:30pm till 6:00am. This also assures me that I'll get a full and complete night's sleep.

3. Set up a computer generated password for K9. Copy & paste into K9 and never write it down or memorize it. Now you can't get rid of it unless you completely re-install your OS. If you use Windows 7 and set up a restore disk, it will be restored with all your other programs as well.

4. As suggested before, see the movie Fireproof, but get the book "The Love Dare". There are a couple of doctrinal issues in it, but the entire message is very good! Read the Bible verses with each chapter. You'll be surprised by some of them (I was)! And start by reading and applying the 40-day challenge. It's one step at at time for 40 days. Give yourself some patience on this. The nice thing about it, is that you'll make slow, steady progress for 40 days and not trying to be "everything at once". It takes time to get addicted and it may take more time to undo the damage.

In order to remove this addiction from your life, you need to grab it by the roots... not the little leaves that are sprouting. You need to learn what love IS, and how you can have more love in your life and show that love to others... including your (future) spouse.

5. Get to a support group. If you're married, your spouse will want to join a support group for them so they can get their own support while supporting you.

6. If you're married, you may want to get some marriage counseling. You may not feel like you need it, but your spouse might. This will help you to communicate better together instead of retreating back to old addictions.

(I am doing almost all of these myself. I haven't been to the support group yet, but I plan to attend as soon as possible. I always felt that "I got into this alone, I can deal with this alone"... but that hasn't worked for me at all. It's entrenched in personal pride and arrogance. I'm simply not strong enough to handle it on my own... and I nearly tore apart my family because of it.)

[ryanh]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

I don't want pity, I don't want comfort, I don't want attention, and I don't want respect. I want the truth. And I want help. I'm having a melt down...

Treat your ADHD. Quit making excuses about insurance, the condition being a cop-out, or whatever other excuses you are now making. You will not get this monkey off your back until you address that which handicaps you. Your situation is no different than others I know of. The ADHD is what keeps you coming back, and unable to stay on a pre-determined path. If you need the $4 per month for the generic medication, I'll pick up that cost for you. But you need to quit hiding as if it will go away on it's own.

Is that blunt enough for you?

[talisyn]

Lostsheep, the one week was awesome! Hold on to that as a good thing, not a cudgel to beat yourself over the head with. Keep it as a shining moment. But for now, go back to being 1 minute free. Then 10 minutes. Then 1 hour. Every minute you are not participating in that behavior is a victory. Set a stopwatch if you have too, and give yourself a cookie every time you make it

You remind me of my baby brother. He just made it 60 days alcohol free, but is aware of the struggle almost every moment. I have faith in both of you.

[Just_A_Guy]

There's something to what MissHalfWay and John Doe say. You know what to do, and you aren't doing it.

Based on my own experience, I'd venture to guess that your problem is the same as anyone's who is trying to give up a bad habit: Part of you wants to quit, but part of you doesn't. So, part of you is afraid that these things won't work--but part of you is scared spitless that they will.

[pam]

I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with those taking a harsh line here. You've been advised and given suggestions for over a year as to things you can do. You yourself posted the things you know you need to do yet you avoid doing them.

We can't do it for you. It's up to you. If you talk of failure, you will fail. If you want to succeed, then do something about it.

[Palerider]

Get rid of computer and the internet.....

[Elphaba]

Perhaps this post is so long that no one is reading anymore.

I was still reading.

Elphaba

[AintNoCityBoy]

I gave up porn just recently, and my method has worked pretty well.

Delete ALL porn you have on the comp, phone, Xbox, ect.

Get rid of all your dvds, Cds, Magazines, Books (this sounds worse than it was folks, bear with me.)

Get a hobby

After taking away all your sources, it pretty much finishes itself. Don't forget to pray about it too!

Edited January 31, 2010 by pam
Inappropriate slang

[Elgama]

I think you have done amazingly well sure you have slipped but this post compared to the first one you ever posted shows such a strength and sense of humour and a full admission of what you are doing - you say porn instead of IT and that is a massive step.

You have taken great strides forward and you will, get yourself a blessing as hard as it is, you don't have to say what it is for just you need comfort, and dust yourself you have proven yourself capable of getting on with your life.

And part of it will be its January/February anyone with a mental illness or addiction this is the most difficult time of year when if you are remotely inclined towards SADs it makes everything worse, try putting spring pictures around remind yourself its just round the corner, don't beat yourself up until March if its still not looking great I'll personally kick your butt for you!! And if you want to PM me I'll help you with a meditation, if you practise it will help your ADHD has the potential to do so more than the medical profession can help, other things you can do if you can obtain epsom salts have a hot bath they have remarkable effects on many people on the autistic spectrum, also going to bed with hot milk and honey a lot of traitional methods of helping you will work but the meditation can allow you to fight your addiction by just breathing the thoughts away. In the meantime get looking at what you have achieved and try and forget you slipped up, nothing will pull you back quicker. Don't expect not to think the odd pornographic or dirty thought it will happen especially with ADHD, and this is where you need to consider meditation because your brain will otherwise whir the thoughts round like a helicopter.

Good Luck Lad your great

Edited January 31, 2010 by Elgama

[Mahone]

Get rid of computer and the internet.....

Is this possible nowadays? For some people I guess, but for a lot of us (particularly younger folk), so much of our life depends on the computer in many different areas that it's almost impossible to live normally without it. It's a bit like a car in that respect. Sad? Probably, but that's the way society is heading. A computer is now a necessity as opposed to a luxury.

Edited January 31, 2010 by Mahone

[pam]

You can use a computer at a library where you don't have the opportunities for viewing or doing things which are inappropriate.

While computers have become a part of our lives, you can still survive without one. Much is also used for convenience. What's more important at this point? Keeping the internet and computer for convenience or the attempt at beating an addiction which the computer facilitates?

Edited January 31, 2010 by pam
typo and correcting last sentence

[Misshalfway]

You guys.... Don't continue giving suggestions.

LS knows what he has to do. He just doesn't want to.

[ferretrunner]

Sheep,

Don't give up! Relapse is a part of recovery. It's painful. It's hard. It's a ______! But, you can get back up and try again. And again. And again. The fact you're in here, "venting", indicates that part of you doesn't want to give up and give in.

Get back to your 12- Step groups. Call your bishop. Call your sponsor. Do something different. Waiting to be more mature won't change anything. Maturity is not just a matter of time. It's a matter of personal growth and effort. I've met people in their 50s who act like teenagers. Nope. Being in the Church and with people who can be "good influences" are part of what will help you to be mature.

Stop whining and start doing something different. You already know what yo need to do here. It's hard but swallow the fear, guilt, and pride and do it!

Don't let fear/ shame/ guilt keep you chained into addiction.

Do what you have to do. And don't give up!

[pam]

Closing thread.

[rameumptom]

LS,

Be patient with yourself. One of the key ways in which Satan gets us is by making us feel overwhelmed and wanting to surrender.

Yes, you screwed up. So, repent again, and get back on the repentance course. As long as you keep trying, you are not failing.

God gives all of us weaknesses to overcome. Every one of us. Satan first uses those weaknesses to get us to succumb to temptation. Then he uses it to get us to feel like we should just give up.

Feel bad for your sins, but not bad about trying again and again.

One thing I learned from a book is that we often go back to our old ways until we have taught ourselves to feel sooooo bad about it that we never want to go there again. I'm not talking about the feelings that cause us to stop going to Church. That's Satan who teaches a man not to pray. I'm talking about the kind of remorse that Alma felt (Alma 36) that caused him to turn completely away from the sin, because it caused him such an exquisite pain that he no longer wanted it.

Until you stop lying to yourself about this sin - lying that it is okay to do, because it feels good; you will not overcome it. When you think about the sin, think about it AS a sin, not a temptation. Think about how it has made you feel so bad that you've wanted to give up. Think about how sad you would be if Satan overcomes you and you miss out on eternal life. Let it move in you. Move you to tears and anguish that you are on the wrong path. You must wish with every fiber of your heart and soul to pluck the sin from your breast and mind, and cast it away from you.

Once you can do that, THEN think about the blessings of the gospel. Think about how the Spirit has given you peace and strength in the past. Allow that feeling of hope and joy rest within you. Compare it with the feelings of anguish you just felt. Which one do you really want?

Do this exercise daily for at least 10 minutes. Usually it's best to start with longer periods of time (an hour). After you adjust to feeling these feelings of exquisite pain and joy, you will be able to replicate them faster.

Do this for the rest of your life, and it will help you to fully overcome the sin. As with Alma, you will learn to taste the bitter pain of sin. But this will then allow you to repent and rejoice in feeling the exquisite joy of redemption.