Family First?

[justaname]

First off, I love serving in the church. I really do. After I graduated from HS, my buddy and I used to spend our days at a church owned ranch helping out wherever we could. I since went on a mission, worked hard, and have served in the church since I have been home. Ive been married 10 years, and have three kids. Right now, my wife and I both have callings that require a lot of time spent away from home. Because of our callings, we have to coordinate with all the other leadership to make sure our meetings dont overlap. Our week is like this:

Sunday: Im gone from 7:30 to 4pm. She then has meetings or other things from 6pm on, sometimes to 10.

Tuesday: Im gone from 7pm to who knows when.

Wednesday: She is gone from 7pm-9pm.

Thursday: She is gone from 7pm-8:30.

Saturday: Who knows. All depends on service projects or other needs that come up.

My wife works from home, and I work typical business hours. So, it feels like we are both either working, or serving in the church. For the most part, we have made things work. Lately though, things in her organization have changed and they seem to be having meetings ALL THE TIME. Most of her meetings are at least 2 hours. They seem to plan things to the most minute detail for activities that are still 6 months away. Without going on and on, it seems to me that her organization is not doing their meetings very efficiently and its taking too much time away from me and the family. I really want to be supportive, but when she hits the hour mark at her meetings, I can feel myself getting really frustrated the longer they take. Some of the other husbands that have wives in this organization seem to hint at similar frustrations, but none of us dare to come out and say that its getting old.

Anyways, part of me is just wondering if others feel like there are times that the church takes away too much time. My wife thinks Im being too 'needy' wanting her home more often. I think their meetings are too long and ineffective. If any of you are thinking that I should talk to the bishop, sorry, but no thanks. Im not one to go the bishop for little things like this. Nor do I want to be perceived by anyone in our ward as a controlling or unsupportive husband.

I really just want to spend more time together. I love my wife and love every second I get to be with her.

I appreciate blunt talk. Am I being too needy? Am I not being supportive? Between her time away and my own time away, should I be concerned about the amount of time that is being asked of us?

[hordak]

You're not alone. I don't know if it was just stake wide but we actually had a letter read in sacrament about this issue a little while back asking to cut down on the meetings.

[havejoy]

Unless something really unusual is happening with little notice I say any meeting that takes longer than an hour is not being facilitated correctly.

[john doe]

You need better rules. It's not the church taking you to all these late hours, it's the people. There are few reasons why you shouldn't be able to wrap up your meetings or whatever by 9PM. If you have to, just stand up, tell everyone the Holy Ghost goes to bed at 10 and you intend to do the same. Have your wife do the same. My meetinghouse is locked up by 9PM and the only people who may be there later are the occasional bishop. There is little reason for huge planning meetings for something far down the road because everyone knows the original plans will change at least twice before it happens. If church meetings are getting in the way of family, then priorities need to change. Don't be afraid to tell your bishop, or even go to the stake president with your concerns. If one or the other of you needs a smaller calling, then so be it.

[Misshalfway]

Family relationships are ALWAYS the priority. Don't feel bad about setting limits. God wants us to learn to manage our stewardships, not the other way round. You SHOULD make necessary edits to your weekly schedule and you can do it without guilt.

[WmLee]

The church and the meeting held at church are to SUPPORT the family, not draw people away from their family.

My wife and I both hold stake callings and serve in the temple. When we get to our leadership meetings it is time to make decisions, set outlines, make assignments and get home. Our Stake President wouldn’t have it any other way. Even girls camp on the stake youth functions are kept this way.

Now, my wife and I spend a lot of time at home (often bouncing ideas off each other) working on our assignments. But, if your meetings are taking that much time something is wrong.

Fast Sunday is ALWAYS a no meeting day (other than church of course), the second and fourth Sunday’s are meeting Sundays. That seems to be enough.

[MarginOfError]

Two words: Conference Call

[Nikkie85]

My husband was recently called as EQ President and one of the first things the Stake President said to him was: "Family comes first"

I think if you feel that your wives calling is taking to much of her time then say something to her about it and see how she feels. Since you said the organization just changed maybe this is just an adjustment time.

[justaname]

I just feel like if I express to anyone that Im not happy about the meetings, I will be perceived as not being supportive or as needy. We both love our callings, so I dont want to express to the bishop that one of us needs a change. We both only have a few months in our current positions. Perhaps what Im really wanting to do is get across the point that their meetings are inefficient and a waste of time. But, I recognize that's just my opinion and I really have no idea what it takes to run the YW program. Maybe all the meetings are necessary. I dunno. I do know that I have never seen a meeting over an hour be anything close to productive. Maybe I should just suck it up and be thankful that I have a wife that loves the church, her calling, and loves to serve our Heavenly Father.

[Elgama]

If its too much for you chances are its too much for other people too - I'd personally say something better to look unsupportive than to actually be unsupportive

[john doe]

Well if you're going to let your fears of what others think of you control your life, then just do nothing. Maybe someone else who has a problem with it will step up and say something. In the meantime, it's best to just go along to get along. Don't make waves or let anyone know that this bothers you. If you say something it might upset them, and we wouldn't want that, would we?

[justaname]

Well if you're going to let your fears of what others think of you control your life, then just do nothing. Maybe someone else who has a problem with it will step up and say something. In the meantime, it's best to just go along to get along. Don't make waves or let anyone know that this bothers you. If you say something it might upset them, and we wouldn't want that, would we?

I have yet to meet someone who doesnt care about what others think. Are you the first?

[funkenheimer]

I would make an appointment for you and your wife to meet with your bishop. Allow him to help you with this. He can help in a number of ways. He can advise as to how to conduct meetings that don't take as much time. He can tell you which meetings are unnecessary. I was a secretary in an Elder's Quorum where the EQ president was feeling very overwhelmed. The bishop helped him understand how much could be deligated and to whom that responsibility could fall. Additionally 2 more secretaries were called and it fell to us to take a more active role than traditional EQ secretaries.

[Elphaba]

I would make an appointment for you and your wife to meet with your bishop. Allow him to help you with this. He can help in a number of ways. He can advise as to how to conduct meetings that don't take as much time. He can tell you which meetings are unnecessary. I was a secretary in an Elder's Quorum where the EQ president was feeling very overwhelmed. The bishop helped him understand how much could be deligated and to whom that responsibility could fall. Additionally 2 more secretaries were called and it fell to us to take a more active role than traditional EQ secretaries.

I sometimes wonder about all the "take it to the bishop" advice. Wouldn't his wife feel like the OP and resent people who go to him for problems they, as adults, should solve on their own?

I know there are times when this is appropriate, but this isn't, IMO, one of them.

Elphaba

[funkenheimer]

I disagree. If this stress is affecting home life and neither are in a position to resolve the issue (i.e. counselors in a quorum or auxiliary unit rather than the president) then the bishop should be involved.

If this is the case and the leaders of the separate organizations are unwilling to limit the frequency or shorten the length of meetings what more can they do?

[john doe]

I have yet to meet someone who doesnt care about what others think. Are you the first?

Nope. I just don't believe in letting my fears of what someone else might think of me dictate my actions. If what I'm doing is right, it doesn't matter what the naysayers think, even if they happen to be church leaders.

[ryanh]

O Be Wise

Elder M. Russell Ballard

Nov 2006 Ensign

[justaname]

I sometimes wonder about all the "take it to the bishop" advice. Wouldn't his wife feel like the OP and resent people who go to him for problems they, as adults, should solve on their own?

I know there are times when this is appropriate, but this isn't, IMO, one of them.

Elphaba

I agree. Like I said, I work closely enough with the bishop to know most of the junk he has to deal with. This is not something I want to add to his plate. Nor do I feel he is the immediate person to take it too. I think there is wayyyyy too much 'go talk to the bishop' advice. I have shared my concerns with my wife and she said she would talk to her leader about it. If the concerns are not addressed, perhaps I will talk to the leader myself. If that doesnt work, then, and only then will I escalate it to the bishop.

And I do care what people think to an extent. I do want those working with my wife to know and believe I am a supporting husband of all my wife's endeavors. And I do want to be supportive, Im just at a position that I feel I need to get her time toned down. If I felt it was all totally necessary for her to be gone that long, Id feel different. But most of her time away is due to mismanaged meetings, and her performing duties that other people were set apart for.

[Wingnut]

I sometimes wonder about all the "take it to the bishop" advice. Wouldn't his wife feel like the OP and resent people who go to him for problems they, as adults, should solve on their own?

I know there are times when this is appropriate, but this isn't, IMO, one of them.

Elphaba

I agree with your general sentiment. I think that this situation would be appropriate to bring to the bishop, however, after a period of time and action.

I disagree. If this stress is affecting home life and neither are in a position to resolve the issue (i.e. counselors in a quorum or auxiliary unit rather than the president) then the bishop should be involved.

There are others that need to be involved before bringing this to the bishop. This is what needs to happen first:

I have shared my concerns with my wife and she said she would talk to her leader about it. If the concerns are not addressed, perhaps I will talk to the leader myself. If that doesnt work, then, and only then will I escalate it to the bishop.

The issue should first be addressed with the spouse. If no improvement is seen, then it should be addressed with the auxiliary presidency (or whoever the other people are) that the spouse works with. If after that, there is still no improvement, then it can be taken to the bishop, and if/when it is, the bishop should be told up front what action has already taken place and been unsuccessful.

[beefche]

I just feel like if I express to anyone that Im not happy about the meetings, I will be perceived as not being supportive or as needy. We both love our callings, so I dont want to express to the bishop that one of us needs a change. We both only have a few months in our current positions. Perhaps what Im really wanting to do is get across the point that their meetings are inefficient and a waste of time. But, I recognize that's just my opinion and I really have no idea what it takes to run the YW program. Maybe all the meetings are necessary. I dunno. I do know that I have never seen a meeting over an hour be anything close to productive. Maybe I should just suck it up and be thankful that I have a wife that loves the church, her calling, and loves to serve our Heavenly Father.

Please. Who cares if you are "perceived" as needy or unsupportive? I can tell you now that your kids' perceptions are more important than any church members who like to have meetings for the sake of meetings.

Talk to the leaders over your callings. Tell them you cannot take any more than one hour meetings once a week. I've worked in YW and RS as well as worked in Stake callings. We have an agenda and we stick to it or table it for the next meeting.

jd is right--the people running these meetings are inefficient. Stop the madness.