LDS Dating Question

[cougarblitz]

Need help? I am trying to find out if it is OK to date if you have been seperated for 6 months and your spouse has hired a lawyer and legally served you? I wan to move forward with my life and feel i am not getting any younger. Please advise?

[pam]

No it's not. Not until you are legally divorced.

[Bini]

I second, Pam.

Until the divorce is final, you are still married. So no, dating at this time would not be OK.

[JudoMinja]

Whether you feel ready to move on or not, and no matter what position is currently held in society, it is morally wrong to date while you are still married. Separated doesn't count. You must have the legal paperwork. The ties must be cut. You need to wait until the divorce is final.

And just a suggestion for you- If you find it hard to wait, don't think of your marriage as a commitment to this person you are divorcing. You have already broken that commitment emotionally. Your heart is already cut from the relationship. What you are bound to is MARRIAGE itself. I know it takes time, but until you are no longer married, you are committed to maintaining fidelity. When you think of this commitment as a commitment to marriage, it is easier to hold off, because you can think of your future marriage.

[ADoyle90815]

I'm not LDS, but I think it's best to wait until the divorce is final before dating as that's when society in general considers it to be the right time. I actually waited until long after my divorce was final to begin dating again, but that's just me. I heard rumors that my ex-husband had already been dating before the divorce was final, so it's possible that if that was true, that he was likely cheating on me before I filed for divorce. I went to the doctor after the divorce was filed and got tested for every STD just in case, but fortunately, everything was negative.

Edited February 15, 2010 by ADoyle90815

[pyxiwulf]

I know you just asked for a simple yes or no, but I feel the need to share this in case someone needs it. I did start dating before my divorce was final. I rationalized and hedged and tried to convince myself that it was really okay. It was over 3 years between separation and divorce, and I told myself I was emotionally and spiritually divorced, that the legal status was a non-issue. I even tried to convince myself that because I was coerced into my marriage that it didn't count. What did all this result in? My becoming inactive for 7 years. The reality was, I KNEW better, but I wouldn't hold myself to my own standards so I hid from the Church. It was a very dark time for me, and when I came back, now I not only had to deal with returning to activity and the struggles with that, but I married that man I dated through my divorce and I had to deal with the repentance process caused by committing adultery with my now husband. That was really, really hard. Having that weigh on our marriage was very damaging. If I could do it all over again, I would absolutely wait. Only good can come from it and soooo much bad from the other.

[mnn727]

In order to participate in LDS Singles activities your divorce must be final.

[Melissa569]

I think it boils down to drawing a line between a legal infraction, and a spiritual sin. Because there is a big difference. For example-- its against the law to drive a car if your license has expired. But you won't go to hell for it. And vise-versa, its a sin for 2 adults to have sex outside of marriage... But the law doesn't care if you do. The point is, God and the law do not always go hand in hand.

As far as legal matters go, in a lot of places, the law will greatly favor the spouse who got "cheated on", and legally, dating before the divorce is (legally) final is (again legally)considered cheating. I don't know if you have kids, or posessions in/around the home that you and your spouse are struggling to divy up. But if your ex can prove you were with someone else before the divorce was legally final (and they decide to be mean), they can get most of it.

The only reason divorce takes so long, is because of legal paper work. But that has absolutely no place in heaven. There never were and never will paper documents there. Those are not "devine mandate", they are just records with which the government keeps track of you. How did they do marriage and divorce before they had paper??? All they had were witnesses. And the old "Let it be said, let it be heard, let it be final" was the main practice. As it would be in heaven.

The ceremony and the vocal / emotional commitment you made is what has meaning in heaven. But if you have publically/religiously renounced and abandoned those, and you are no longer married in your heart or soul, then... Really you are not.

If you want to argue about adultry and religion.... Hehe, well the bible says that if you get a divorce, and then re-marry while your first spouse is still alive, that second marriage is ADULTRY. Seriously, the bible pretty much expects you to either patch it up with your spouse, or stay single for the rest of your life. So from a religious standpoint, it doesn't matter when you fell into the arms of a different lover. It just matters that you did. If that's true, and you're really going to be in trouble no matter what, then I suppose it doesn't really matter.

The reason the law takes their time with this, is to give people a chance to patch it up. Also because the system is backed up and slow. But if you're sure that's not going to happen, then the extra time they insist on is useless.

Its your choice to date or not date, nobody here can choose for you. And because of the above bible reference, I really do think at this point, it would be more of a legal infraction, than and a matter of sin. As I said, that's all about time and paperwork. However, if you do decide to date, you should probably keep it under the table, at least for the law's sake.

EDDIT: Felt kind of bad, so I had to add this-- I know most people feel that suggesting to another member that they date under the table is probably not the most... Uh... LDS thing to say. And righfully so, its not. I think the time it takes to complete the divorce its not too long to wait, and you may do a lot more healing and growing during that time. On a funadental level, I personally think you should wait. But again, its up to you. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't simply make friends with other people, just as a fellow adult. And after the divorce is over, your new friend might decide they really like you. Or if you already really like each other, say so. But tell them "I want to wait until my divorce is over. Then we can date." If they really like you, the will wait. But make sure they are aware of what's going on in your life.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Melissa569

[Bini]

I think it boils down to drawing a line between a legal infraction, and a spiritual sin. Because there is a big difference. For example-- its against the law to drive a car if your license has expired. But you won't go to hell for it. And vise-versa, its a sin for 2 adults to have sex outside of marriage... But the law doesn't care if you do. The point is, God and the law do not always go hand in hand.

Maybe if both adults are "single" but I thought that adultery always has been and still is illegal. It's just not enforced. Someone correct me on this if I'm wrong. I do know that if not here in the US, it certainly goes against the law in some other countries, some of which might have even branded or executed the law-breaker (especially if it were a woman).

[NeuroTypical]

People who are married have made covenants to remain faithful. Yeah, there's an effort underway to cancel those covenants, but 'legally served' means they're still in effect.

So I guess it's up to you to decide - do you have a problem with breaking your word? If yes, don't date until your divorce is final. If no, then go ahead and date all you want. Your choice will tell everyone what you think of covenants.

LM

[pam]

Its your choice to date or not date, nobody here can choose for you. And I really do think at this point, it would be more of a legal infraction, than and actual sin. As I said, that's all about time and paperwork. However, if you do decide to date, you should probably keep it under the table, at least for the law's sake.

I know this is meant well but I think we need to be careful. From an LDS perspective, you should not date until the divorce is final. Advising someone to keep it under the table is wrong on many levels.

[pyxiwulf]

I know this is meant well but I think we need to be careful. From an LDS perspective, you should not date until the divorce is final. Advising someone to keep it under the table is wrong on many levels.

and the fact that adultery is not illegal in most states, so the statement doesn't stand on a legal level either.

[linden]

I think you should wait until your divorce is final before you start dating. Then when you move on you won't have any regrets. When you do things in what is considered the proper way, things have a way of working out ok.

[Just_A_Guy]

A divorce doesn't need to take that long, if there are no major disputes about child custody or property distribution. If your wife is shilly-shallying about wrapping it up, file a counter-petition and finish the case yourself (or get a lawyer to do it).

[EQ_Guy]

I know a girl that was going through a divorce, Temple recommend and everything and she told me that her bishop said it was alright to date. That was pretty surprising to me. She told me that she went out with one guy and kissed him a lot and had to fight herself from going further. While talking with her she was very interested in me as well. She had a swirl of emotions spinning around inside of her and I suggested that she should not date at the moment and shouldn't for awhile even after her divorce. She disagreed with me on both counts.

Sorry for rambling, but I think it's totally wrong to date until the divorce is legally complete.

[pam]

I wonder if that is what her Bishop really told her or that's what she wanted to hear and thought that's what he said. I don't know of ANY Bishop that would tell you it's okay to date before a divorce is final.

[Melissa569]

Maybe if both adults are "single" but I thought that adultery always has been and still is illegal. It's just not enforced. Someone correct me on this if I'm wrong. I do know that if not here in the US, it certainly goes against the law in some other countries, some of which might have even branded or executed the law-breaker (especially if it were a woman).

Actually, its really good you clarified that... In some places, the law still does frown on married people sleeping with someone other than their spouse. I guess I was just generalizing about the western world, or more about singles. But even in the west, adultry is still not really ok.. Its just like you said, the law doesn't do too much about it, especially not without proof.

[FunkyTown]

As everyone here is saying, I'm going to agree that you should probably wait until you're done divorcing.

On another note, you should discuss things with your soon-to-be ex-wife. Try to be civil. I know this, of all things, is going to be hard. However, you should try to be loving towards your wife, no matter what has happened. If you've agreed to part, as naive as it sounds, you should have even more of an outpouring of love and understanding for her. She's going through a difficult time. There will be many reasons you probably will be angry with one another.

Don't turn this in to something hateful and, if it already is, become apologetic. Explain that you don't want this to be angry. Remember: At one point, you wanted to spend eternity with her. She clearly had some qualities.