General Principles of picking husbands

[NeuroTypical]

So, my little girls and I are currently enjoying a very sweet and tender phase of our daddy/daughter relationship. We both think the other is wonderful. They tell me this phase will pass, and I'll soon be the dumb old guy who never gives them enough money.

Anyway, I try hard to raise my daughters with some tools they can put to good use in their adult lives. I try hard now, because now they're listening to me. I think a lot about how they'll picking their husbands. Such topics are very much on my mind, because of course I want my daughters to pick good men and have happy lives. I try to be very careful about the advice I give (or will give once the time comes), and try to stick to general principles.

Here's a handful - what do you think?

* Aim high. (You can find righteous guys, many of them will be RM's)

* Earn high. (Be the kind of person that righteous guys will want to marry. You've already got looks, kid - make sure what's inside looks as good.)

* Guard your heart. (Once unleashed, a woman's heart will have her overlooking all sorts of horrible things. Make sure it gets unleashed on the right guy.)

* 'Fixer-uppers' should be encouraged from a distance, not dated. (A 'fixer-upper' is someone who is a good guy in every way except for [serious issue/character defect/lifestyle choice/etc].)

* "Love": 1. An emotional reaction identifying how you feel: "I love him!" This emotional reaction is never present 100% of the time in any relationship.

* "Love": 2. An action verb identifying how you act. In a marriage, acts of love demonstrate commitment, and make the marriage stronger. (Differs from the first definition, in that you can "Love" someone without feeling "Love" for him. A good marriage is where both of you understand this, and do it for each other.)

My daughters are still a few years away from dating, but I'm no expert in this field, so I'm sure I can learn from many of your responses.

LMLM

[Guest mysticmorini]

there is always a tough balancing act between avoiding "fixer-uppers" and being too picky; your daughters might be to young to worry about that though.

[Vanhin]

  mysticmorini said:

there is always a tough balancing act between avoiding "fixer-uppers" and being too picky; your daughters might be to young to worry about that though.

Heck no. I preach this stuff to my girls every day.

Though, it surprises me that they still want their husbands to be like me (maybe not so round). I'm a "fixer-upper".

Regards,

Vanhin

Edited March 1, 2010 by Vanhin

[hordak]

Our big thing (which i took from my folks who were married 30 some years till my mother passed) was friends first. My wife didn't marry me because i'm tall dark and handsome (though i am pretty handsome :)) but because we are best friends. We have been through very stressful times and it is that friendship that has pulled us through them together.

I suggest marring someone who you can enjoy life with whether that life becomes 2 Drs with a mansion on the beach, or a janitor and waitress in a cramped little 1 bed apartment with the interstate a few feet away.

Marry a friend and life's challenges become an adventure. This is what i have found.

[Gwen]

my advise, from the perspective of a girl who had a dad and grew up and got married... lol

what kind of man do you want your daughter to marry? be that to your wife. will matter a lot more than what you say. she is watching you, either as an example of what she wants or doesn't want. she is also watching your wife, as an example of what she will or won't put up with and what kind of woman to be.

as far as advise to give her.... take time to date his parents as well. teach her to observe his parents every chance she gets. how they interact with each other. not the first meeting when everyone is on their best. but really get to know them. the interactions she sees between them she can expect.

before anyone jumps on me, yes i know everyone is unique and not doomed to be their parents. there is a lot we pick up (even if it's something we hate about ourselves) we don't realize till we are married. even if they are things you both want to change and you work together it will be a trial in the relationship. best to try and have an idea of that before you get in the thick of things. yes i know i sound very pessimistic. and yes it's a deep topic that should be saved till they are old enough. just a couple of things i've thought on for my own kids, the boys and the girls.

[Guest]

  Loudmouth_Mormon said:

* "Love": 1. An emotional reaction identifying how you feel: "I love him!" This emotional reaction is never present 100% of the time in any relationship.

* "Love": 2. An action verb identifying how you act. In a marriage, acts of love demonstrate commitment, and make the marriage stronger. (Differs from the first definition, in that you can "Love" someone without feeling "Love" for him. A good marriage is where both of you understand this, and do it for each other.)

My daughters are still a few years away from dating, but I'm no expert in this field, so I'm sure I can learn from many of your responses.

LMLM

It's not too early to teach them that #1 is a feeling but #2 is a DECISION.

I get into a lot of arguments with some friends about how "if they would have lived with each other (or had sex with each other) before they got married, they would have found out he/she is not the person they wanted to marry - now, it's too late.". And then a lot of other friends say, "I'm living with her, but I'm not marrying her."

Your daughter's friends will have their own opinions on the matter - living together or having sex before marriage is too common nowadays that it would be a lot of pressure for them unless they know WHY we think it is bad so they can stand up to their friends.

So here is what I'm telling my boys: Although you feel love, you have to DECIDE to LOVE. The feeling is all the positive stuff. The decision is everything including the bad stuff.

Having sex before marriage is just feeding the feeling without the decision. Sex is too sacred to indulge in without a decision. Without the decision, the feeling is subject to whims and fancy. Right now, he's sooo good looking and so kind and so much into you that you can't help but fall in love with him. You'll find out soon enough the guy has bad breath when he wakes up in the morning, is not very good in bed, completely ignores you when he watches football, and loses his hair after 10 years. Even worse, this Return Missionary that was so strong in the gospel gets his testimony shaken after 20 years, loses his testimony and stops going to church. Would you still love him?

See the difference?

You don't need to live together before marriage, or have sex before marriage to make that decision.

You know you are ready for marriage when you can honestly say that after you marry this guy, you can walk in the mall and meet another super gorgeous perfect guy who does not snore, does not have bad breath, does not care that much about football, millionaire, in line for the quorum of 70, and be able to look him in the eye and say - wow, you're an awesome guy and all, but my husband is who I chose to be with and I love him.

[marts1]

I don't have any children and I can only imagine the extreme stress involved. I don't think I would be able to cope without praying 100 times more then I do now.

[applepansy]

Loudmouth, the most important thing you can do is BE the kind of man you want your daughters to marry. Treat their mother how you want them to be treated.

Example is powerful.

[JudoMinja]

Probably the best advice I could offer is that they TAKE IT SLOW. Date several guys before making their decisions- don't leap on the first man to shower them with attention.

I confused infatuation and that love feeling in your #1 for a confirmation that I was meant to marry the guy I felt that for. I was willing to do whatever he wanted, because I trusted him. I let everything spiral out of control because I didn't allow the relationship to develop slowly so I could use my judgment and reason along with my emotions. I got abused.

Tell them to TAKE IT SLOW. To talk to their friends and family about the guys they like and situations they're in while on dates. To keep their barriers strong, because a man who doesn't respect those barriers isn't worth your time.

[prisonchaplain]

Your girls aren't too young to date. Mine started at age 5. Of course, their only option was...DAD! I take my mine on "daddy dates," and they love them (oldest is 9). They will grow out of these eventually, but most good lessons are caught, more than taught. So, I try to show them what a good guy should be like. Just food for thought. And, the younger ones can be cheap dates--just make sure it ends with sugar! :-)

[Jamie123]

I was a fixer-upper who hasn't so far got fixed up. After 6 years of marriage I still make my wife shake her head, laughing myself silly at The Simpsons and play air-guitar to Meat Loaf. However, this is what I would want in a son-in-law:

1. Kindness and a desire to do good. (Even if he doesn't always necessarily succeed.)

2. Sense of humour.

3. Not too pompous or self-righteous. (Most teenagers are a bit pompous, but he'll grow out of that. Partially.)

4. Tolerant of other people's faults. Ability to "suffer fools gladly".

(5. He doesn't drive a BMW. And nor does his daddy.) (Only kidding!)

Oh - and he's got to love my daughter! That goes without saying.

Edited March 2, 2010 by Jamie123
Stating the obvious!

[wondering23]

Stay away from Edward Cullen.

[Bini]

I never went on a daddy/daughter date. I've heard people talk about them before but to me it was a weird concept. But everyone has great advice. I'm hoping for boys because if I get a little girl—I know that will be the day that I finally get a taste of my own medicine. You know what they say about payback..