getting over chastity issues

[theBUBBAMANcan]

She has repented. If Heavenly Father can forgive her I think you can too.

Personally, if I were you...I'd forgive/forget and marry the girl.

You have said nothing in your post that leads me to believe she won't make a great wife.

[rxmarccall]

wow im blown away by the number of posts that i have received. im thankful for all of your thoughts and advice. Please understand that my mind set is NOT that i have to marry a virgin, i fell in love with her and after learning of this it has been heartbreaking. i dont doubt at all that she has been forgiven and that she has changed, it is true that this is MY problem. im looking at this as something that i wouldnt want to bother me for the rest of my marraige or cause any problems, not as me being selfish and only wanting to marry a virgin. But again thank you for your comments and this is something i will just have to work out between me and her and i have hope that something good will come :)

[Misshalfway]

Who is more fit for the kingdom? The obedient or the repentant? The answer is both. We all have sin in our lives. Those who repent are just as clean as the rest.

The reason why these past events hurt us is the way we are thinking about them. And my guess is that most of these painful thought don't originate in the attributes of true charity. Change your thoughts and you heal your pain.

[dazed-and-confused]

i have read so many of these posts regarding worthiness, forgiveness, repentance, etc., but this really seems to me to be an issue of compatability and personal trust.

[Bini]

i have read so many of these posts regarding worthiness, forgiveness, repentance, etc., but this really seems to me to be an issue of compatability and personal trust.

Exactly.

If he is dissatisfied with what he has to work with, then he's probably better off dating some more and finding someone he has no doubts about.

[Aussie]

ive been searching for advice on this subject for a while now. I have been dating a girl for a while now and our relationship is getting serious (in a good way) as we have gotten to know each other more i have learned that over a year ago while i was on a mission, she had a boyfriend with which she "went all the way" at first i thought i could handle the news, but found out this went on for 3 months.... today she has repented fully and has a temple recommend and is worthy. But i still feel sooo hurt because i feel that i love her and feel like i could marry her, but i dont know that i can get over this. anyone have experience with this? will these feelings just get more intense and worse in the future? or is it possible to get over this? im not perfect myself but i always imagined being with my future wife that was still a virgin. thanks for your time

Ha! har har har. been there mate.

you want an easy way out don't you. well, here it comes, there is none. it hurts and it will hurt for another 20 years. and people

let me tell you there is about only 1 way you will deal with it

tell yourself you'd have done the same if it were you, then get over it

so you weren't first there. big deal. stop being so precious and enjoy it for the rest of your life

[kc247]

I'm sure she would take it back if she could. Everyone makes mistakes. The repentance process is not an easy one and for her to repent and become worthy again shows what a great person she is.

I was a church member all my life, parents are, etc. I broke the law of chastity with my boyfriend over a year ago, & that went on for a few months. I knew it was wrong, but once you do it once it's not so easy to stop. Anyway, we broke up, & it happened again with 2 other guys. After that I met the guy who I'm dating now. He's a member & a great guy. I knew I'd have to tell him eventually, but we dated a couple months until he straight out asked me. (He had suspicions because of what I'd said about my previous relationships). I didn't tell him details (how many guys, etc), I don't think that's important. He was wonderful though. I thought he'd break up with me, but he said it didn't change anything & he'd never bring it up again, and he's never said a word since that night. Which means a lot to me because if there's anything I want more is to go back and never have done those things.

What I'm getting at, is the best thing you can do is show her how forgiving you are and how it doesn't matter, what matters is the kind of person she is now. Everyone has a past, & all that matters is the present & future. Please don't make her feel bad about it. It's done with, and shouldn't matter anymore. If God can forgive her, then you should too.

[TruthSeeker]

My wife and I had been 3 months into the dating part of our relationship and she straight up asked me what my sex life entailed. With tears and regret I informed her that there had been 2 times where I had had intercourse, and many other times of lesser, other things. I was scared out of my mind that I was going to lose the person that I thought I was going to marry. After I told her, she told me that it didn't change anything, even though she had saved herself for marriage. At that moment, I knew she was the one that I wanted to marry, because she knew that I had worked very hard at repenting, and that those sins had been forgotten. I have had to look past other issues that she has, and it has not been easy, but a mutual respect and understanding exists in our relationship. The whole process has helped me to learn not to judge people, and to be more understanding and accepting.

[dizzysmiles]

That is something you must decide/ DO NOT MARRY Her until YOU have overcome it. Because, once you are married, it isn't fair for you to be mad or bring it up. Why? because you knew going in. Now if you got married and found out later, you have ever right to be upset and take all the time to get over it. If you can't get over it, then it isn't fair for her to marry you and have this over her head. Now is your decision, if you can let it go then marry her, if you can't- you have your anwser. (I never had issues like this, but I tell everyone the same advice on ANYTHING that is troubling them BEFORE marriage. AFter is different)

[dizzysmiles]

Don't you think? See men see it as she should be mine and only mine... she must be a virgin... she shouldn't have had anyone before me. Sorry to say as each year passes it becomes more and more unlikely to find a virgin.

Put your ego in your pocket and be a man about it. Love her for who she is and your future with her not what she was or did. If this is going to get to you boy you'll be in for a rude awakening when you are married for a few years

Good luck!

I disagree with this. This is a HUGE issue for someone who has waited HIS whole life for. There are plenty of virgins out there, and those that are strong to wait. Dude, It's understandable why you are upset, I have been married for 9 years- there is enough stuff that comes after marriage that will be worked out, you don't want to start into one where yo ualready are distant.

[Moksha]

Whether it's his place to forgive or not is beside the point! If he cannot overcome his feelings regarding her prior infidelities, he is best to avoid pursuing a relationship with her and move on.

Will this not be setting himself up for future idiosyncratic behavior such as carrying a sign board that says, "Virgins only need apply"?

[dizzysmiles]

Will this not be setting himself up for future idiosyncratic behavior such as carrying a sign board that says, "Virgins only need apply"?

Well I am sure some of us already put signs up that says " Only Mormons" " Only Males" apply, so yes what is wrong with "only virgins"? If he waited why should he not have someone who thought of her future husband too? Meaning, if that is his standard, he shouldn't lower it. There are many virgins out there, and if he can't get over that fact that she isn't one, it is only fair to let her go, for the both of them.

Edited May 1, 2010 by dizzysmiles
missed comma

[flutterbee]

Wow. I can't believe some of the attitudes here. What I think it comes down to is this: Do you believe in the Atonement. This girl sinned but she repented completely. According to the scriptures once we have completely repented the sin is gone and "I the Lord remember them no more." Is she less clean having gone through repentance than one who has never sinned? If not, we're all in trouble.

Also, I think you are confusing virginity and chastity. If you only look for virgins, how do divorced people fit into you marriage view? What about converts who followed 'the way of the world' but now that they have accepted Christ's gospel are living a chaste life? are they unworthy in your view?

On the flip side what about a girl who does 'everything but' and is technically a virgin in the physical sense. Once she repents is she better that a person who goes all the way and repents?

After your wedding night, neither one of you are going to be virgins. Are you going to be chaste?

[dizzysmiles]

Wow. I can't believe some of the attitudes here.

On the flip side what about a girl who does 'everything but' and is technically a virgin in the physical sense. Once she repents is she better that a person who goes all the way and repents?

After your wedding night, neither one of you are going to be virgins. Are you going to be chaste?

Im appaled by some too, first off why is it so bad this guy wants a virgin? IS that a bad thing?? Why should he lower his standards if that is what HE Wants? Why is everyone bringing up divorced people? The kid is single, wants to get married, being divorced and breaking the law of chastity are TWO different things. The fact is, yes she is clean again, but that doesn't make it easy for someone who waited his life for someone who never had sex to just give it all up. Nor is it expected of him, UNLESS he wants to get married to her. DO you think it is fair for the girl to never live it down her whole marriage? Or the time they get in a fight and it gets brought up? No. So before anyone talks about marriage and how he should just get over himself, Which is assinine to me that people keep telling him to, then let him research what he wants out of life, decide how he will handle it, and realize your not a bad guy for wanting different or can't let it go. It's just being fair to the both of them. Once your married, sex isn't a sin, dunno if you knew that.

[flutterbee]

Im appalled by some too, first off why is it so bad this guy wants a virgin? IS that a bad thing??

Not necessarily. My main point is that I think that in LDS culture we tend to mix up chastity and virginity. To fixate on that one thing is doing people who have made a mistake a huge disservice.

Why should he lower his standards if that is what HE Wants? Why is everyone bringing up divorced people?

Again, I'm bothered by the phrase "lower his standards" The girl in this instance has repented. She is up to standard. I bring up divorce because I think we would agree that in a majority of cases they are no longer virgins. If, however, they have kept the law of chastity then they are still chaste. A person who has repented is also chaste.

DO you think it is fair for the girl to never live it down her whole marriage? Or the time they get in a fight and it gets brought up?

No, however that would be extremely uncharitable of him and not worthy of a priesthood holder. I do agree though, that he should not marry her if he cannot deal with this

Once you're married, sex isn't a sin, dunno if you knew that.

There's no need to be sarcastic. I was simply sharing my opinion. My statement in my previous post was in regard to my statement about our confusion on virginity/chastity.

[dizzysmiles]

Sorry I was sarcastic. I see what you're saying now. I just know some people who have repented of sins, but the physical scars are still there and their loved ones can't get over it. The fact is, although repented, he is not her first. Question to him is, if that bothers you in the least bit even after much study and prayer, you have your anwser.

[riverogue]

Hey at least she was honest. You have absolutely no way of knowing whether any other girl you want date as had sex or not. If one only dated those who claim to be worthy or virgin, whatever, one would be eliminating out of their dating pool alot of honest and humble girls or guys. Here's some food for thought: that unfortunately most every dishonest mormon is a temple recommend holder, unless they get caught in the act. Hence, having a temple recommend usually doesn't say anything about a person, except I feel there is a higher probability that they are dishonest.

[zippy_do46]

Mark 11:25-26 says That if you do not forgive neither will your Father forgive you.

Her Father in Heaven has forgiven her. She told you what she did early on. She did not lie. You have the right to save your self for another. Your sin would be if you stay and do not forgive her. Forgive and Forget or move on.