Interfaith Marriage

[UtahJ]

I'm sure someone else has brought up this topic, but I cannot seem to find it.

Background: 36 yr old male, married 8 years, Methodist wife, two young children.

I met and married my wife during a time in my life when I was inactive in the church. I haven't been to church at all in the 8 years that we've been married.

Lately, I haven't been able to escape the feeling that I need to return to the church. I am empty spiritually. My heath is suffering as a consequence. I used to be very energetic, easy going and happy, but now I am drained (physically/mentally/spiritually), irritable and borderline depressed.

When I told my wife that I needed to return to church, she hesitantly said that I could go but that I wasn't allowed to take the kids. This killed me, but I just let it slide by to avoid argument. She believes the church is some kind of cult and has read a fair amount of anti-mormon literature. I know that if I return to church she will resent the church and I. If I don't return to church, I will continue to die spiritually and grow to resent her.

As I weigh the options I can’t help but fell like four lives are going to be negatively impacted as a consequence to any decision that I make. Is there a win-win solution here? In most areas of our marriage we are fine with one exception being religion. But religion is the most important thing and without it the void in my life continues to deepen and adversely impairs my ability to be the father that my children need me to be.

Thanks in advance,

J

[Hemidakota]

There is no win situation here but to do what is right and appropriate for your family. If this means to attend your faith [LDS meetings], then do it. Setting the example and through prayers to our FATHER, are the keys to open the doors to those that the Holy Ghost can be manifested to make the change. Give it time, GOD will make situations happen for you as long you are faithful to the laws of GOD.

You still can be the 'greatest dad' ever by teaching them basic principles of the gospel.

Have faith in GOD and yourself in making this happen.

[FunkyTown]

I'm uncertain what the concern is here. Your wife has said you can go and you seem to think that it will solve your current depression.

That seems like a win-win to me.

Your kids not being able to go is tough. However, I suspect if you start going and show that this is more than a passing phase, your wife will end up being at least curious about it. It might take a while, but she may warm to the idea.

Right now is the time for meekness and gratitude. Thank her for understanding your need to go, then go. Fulfill your duties, grow and as your spirituality waxes, your family may notice a change in you(Hopefully!).

I'm sure someone else has brought up this topic, but I cannot seem to find it.

Background: 36 yr old male, married 8 years, Methodist wife, two young children.

I met and married my wife during a time in my life when I was inactive in the church. I haven't been to church at all in the 8 years that we've been married.

Lately, I haven't been able to escape the feeling that I need to return to the church. I am empty spiritually. My heath is suffering as a consequence. I used to be very energetic, easy going and happy, but now I am drained (physically/mentally/spiritually), irritable and borderline depressed.

When I told my wife that I needed to return to church, she hesitantly said that I could go but that I wasn't allowed to take the kids. This killed me, but I just let it slide by to avoid argument. She believes the church is some kind of cult and has read a fair amount of anti-mormon literature. I know that if I return to church she will resent the church and I. If I don't return to church, I will continue to die spiritually and grow to resent her.

As I weigh the options I can’t help but fell like four lives are going to be negatively impacted as a consequence to any decision that I make. Is there a win-win solution here? In most areas of our marriage we are fine with one exception being religion. But religion is the most important thing and without it the void in my life continues to deepen and adversely impairs my ability to be the father that my children need me to be.

Thanks in advance,

J

[gabelpa]

There is a family in my Branch, the kids are both now at University, husband is a non-member, atheist to be exact. They've been married something like 30 years and he's not budging. Not everyone will come to the Gospel in this life, but hopefully the OP's spouse will see that the LDS Church is no more a cult than her own.

[NeuroTypical]

We have a handful of part-member families in my ward. The spouses tended to be like your spouse. A few years of getting to know us, with nobody trying to kidnap their kids, or gore them with our horns, and they've changed their critical stance.

Give it a few years. You already know we're not as bad as she thinks we are - give her some time to come to understand that herself.

LM

[Guest Alana]

I bet we could play out this situation in fast forward two ways. Of course this is just my speculation.

One: You go to church, it causes some hiccups in the relationship, but they smooth out as she sees you're happy, improving yourself and not putting any pressure on her or the kids. Perhaps in the future when the kids are older they ask you questions about church and decide for themselves about it, and maybe even start going to some of the youth activities.

Two: You go, but keep pushing your wife about taking the kids. She gets defensive. She gets resentful. You get defensive. You get resentful. You grow farther and farther apart.

For now, just go for yourself. Focus on yourself. Whenever there is confrontation or negativity, respond to it with positiveness. Your family seeing you do what you know is right for you, growing as an individual, taking on new responsibilities that involve helping your friends and community, that's a strong missionary tool. There are so many activities and service projects that aren't at the meeting house, maybe your family will be interested in some of those? We just did a clean up at the Middle School. That's a nice middle ground for a part member family:)

Of course the best situation would be you and the kids go to church, your wife doens't think anything negative. But, since that's not how it is, focus on yourself. Chances are there's plenty of that needed since you've been inactive for so long (heh, been there done that:P)

[Hemidakota]

We have a handful of part-member families in my ward. The spouses tended to be like your spouse. A few years of getting to know us, with nobody trying to kidnap their kids, or gore them with our horns, and they've changed their critical stance.

Give it a few years. You already know we're not as bad as she thinks we are - give her some time to come to understand that herself.

LM

How true...being both converts of the church, my mother-in-law apposes our marriage from the beginning and not being allowed in the portals of the temple to witness the event add more fire to the cause. What I realize after being sealed, she was an anti-Mormon. Later though being an example, it soften her stance and love me as her favorite son [she calls me even if being a son-in-law]; among her children. I love her much as I love my own parents.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I'm uncertain what the concern is here. Your wife has said you can go and you seem to think that it will solve your current depression.

That seems like a win-win to me.

I think he said that if he goes to Church, but his wife doesn't buy into the LDS experience enough to allow him to take his children, then he's going to resent it. So, I don't think it's as cut and dried as one might think.

My advice? You're better off going alone, and letting the fruits of the gospel bless your own life and your family through your activity. If you don't go at all, your wife will never have experiences with the Church beyond her anti-Mormon reading.

Also, by getting active, you'll be more inclined to implement priesthood leadership principles you can in your home. Things like leading Family Home Evening on topics of mutual belief to you and your wife. This may influence her to change her mind and also feel the Spirit. You'll be more inclined to give blessings to your children, which can bring the Spirit into your home. And further, your wife will probably meet home teachers or other people you work with in the Church. These experiences might gradually wear away the scales of disbelief that are covering her eyes right now. There may be opportunities to involve your kids in non-religious Church experience, like having kids of similar ages over from the Church, primary activities or ward socials or campouts. Also, the gospel makes good men better, so your wife may well see you become a better and better husband as your character changes through Church lessons about fatherhood and being a husband.

This situation won't unlock without patience, unfortunately. But I think you'll be better off getting active than staying less active..

Deal with the resentment toward your wife by reflecting on the fact you're doing your best in this situation and finding favor with the Lord. At least your own salvation is being worked out through your activity....

Edited May 10, 2010 by mormonmusic

[Mirium]

I would say if you feel its time to return then return. My husband is an athiest and I'm a convert. It won't be easy, I won't pretend it is, there will be challenges but it will be worth it. My husband doesn't like me being a member and hates me paying my tithing but his heart has softened as he has seen what it means to me. He has even become very good friends with one of the members. Heavenly Father will bless you and your family for your efforts.

[john doe]

I would suggest subscribing to LDS magazines such as the Ensign, and leaving them around the house where she can find and read them. Let her find out for herself in her own time that her preconceived notions are false.

[baver3]

I like that advice john doe (subscribing to magazines)

I think at this point it sounds essential that you get your spirituality back. Get back to church asap. Allow your wife to see the difference in you. Pray for her. You will be able to find ways to integrate your happiness and some simple lessons into your children's lives (in the meantime).

The Lord has said that he will not give us commandments without a way for us to be able to follow them.

I think it may be important for your wife to know that you are on board with what she wants, ie. not taking the kids with you. (for now.) However, there are many activities that you will be able to invite your wife and children to.

I believe that over time your wife will soften. I will also say that you have a lot going for you in that your wife is Methodist. Its not TOO FAR from what you believe and I think you will be able to build upon common beliefs.

Dont push anything right now. Just go for you and focus on you. Get spiritually right again. Pray for guidance. The Holy Ghost will reveal to you what you should do.

[Melissa569]

I say you should go, but you need to talk to your wife about the kids. They shouldn't be forced to go, but nor should they be forbidden to. You both need to agree that if the children express their own interest in your church, by themselves, they should be allowed to explore it.

Its not that the church is a cult... Its that "some" members make it seem like one, to outsiders. And that makes me really mad...

The reason people think our church is a cult, is because cults like to micro-manage your life. Meaning they have to have their fingers in every tiny little aspect of your daily routine. Nothing you do is ever enough; you are always expected to give more and more of your time and yourself to the group. Cults like to isolate you, cut you off from as many outside influences as possible, so they can control more of what you do, say, and think.

Now, while our church itself really mostly just wants people to pay tithe and come to church every Sunday, maybe help some memebrs, or teach sunday classes-- there are some members who just take it too far, and make every waking moment of every day about the chruch:

They won't socialize with people outside the church (unless its a conversion attempt). Won't do any activities, other than the ones set up by the church. Won't allow any forms of entertainment in the home, unless its made by the church. They almost never talk about anything outside church topics, and even if someone does manage to talk abotu something else, they always manage to steer the conversation back to (you guessed it)-- church.

The above state is called "obsession". And you can ask any psychologist-- people who are obsessed with something, usually become a MAJOR bore in all other areas of their life. They end up with little or nothing left of themselves, and basically become another cookie-cutter example. This tends to drive everybody away from them. Then they convince themselves that the reason nobody wants to be around them, is not because of an obsession-- its because everyone else is influenced by Satan! lol.

That's really going a bit overboard, in my opinion. You can't convert other people, when they are looking at you and your life, and seeing that you basically no longer have a personality or a life of your own, because of your obsession. Basically, if you allow yourself to become obsessed, and you are setting a "scary" example, you are cutting off your ability to reach people, and do the lord's work. For full details, see my singature, lol.

Now, some might argue that there is nothing wrong with being totally in love with God. And theoretically, that's kind of true... But an obsessed mind is an unhealthy mind. And inside an unhealthy mind-- even the gospel and the image of god becomes tainted, dangerous, and harmful. Think Charlie Manson, the extreme terrorist groups, etc.

God didn't put you here to just sit around in silence, and obsess over him all day long. He put you here to be tested. To be productive and useful. To go out in the world among the many influences, to go through tests and trials in all different situation-- and still come out on top. He put you here to test your individual soul. Not to watch you copy someone else, without question or thought.

How are you worthy of a reward, if no thought goes into what you do?

As long as your wife is aware that you know the difference between brushing up your faith, and being "obsessed", I'm sure she will calm down about it. But you might scare her if you start demanding that everybody and everything in your home changes.... Go easy on her. :)

Edited May 11, 2010 by Melissa569

[FairChild]

Perhaps it comes from my past history of abuse, but I am really concerned that your wife feels the need to control where you may or not take your (meaing your as in both mom and dad's children) children. I think it is an issue that needs resolving. If she feels she needs to "forbid" her children's other parent for other than safety issues (like the kids are not to ride in the car while you are driving if you have been drinking) I think you have a few more problems than you thought.

Please, go to church, love your wife, be the best dad and example that you can be to your children. Keep a journal and in it you can write how your church return has shaped and changed your behavior as well as any good or necessary thing. I wish you well. FC

[gabelpa]

Its not that the church is a cult... Its that "some" members make it seem like one, to outsiders. And that makes me really mad...

The reason people think our church is a cult, is because cults like to micro-manage your life. Meaning they have to have their fingers in every tiny little aspect of your daily routine. Nothing you do is ever enough; you are always expected to give more and more of your time and yourself to the group. Cults like to isolate you, cut you off from as many outside influences as possible, so they can control more of what you do, say, and think.

A few inaccuracies here.. The "cult" label is used to try to disenfranchise people, and make them unwilling to listen. It's a subversive label, applied by those with either no understanding (parrots), or by those with a reason for hating the church, i.e. ex-mormons, pastors with something to lose, etc.

It may not be a discussion for this time, but it may be worthwhile for the OP to figure out why their spouse thinks the LDS Church is a cult, and to logically discredit each reason. If logic can't prevail, and the spouse is unwilling to listen to the Spirit, then I don't know what will convince them otherwise.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I was reflecting more on this, and when there have been situations where neither my wife or I would budge on an important issue, I've often resorted to personal sacrifice and negotiation to get her wholehearted agreement.

One thing you might consider is negotiating a solution, rather than simply relying on reasons and verbal discussion. There are things my wife wants that have just been too much sacrifice to give up. To have to live with them would irritate me to no end. (One would be to have a dog).

However, if she gave up something that she refuses to give me, that was deeply important to me, then it would be OK to have a dog. For example, I'll support you in having a dog without complaint, provided these guidelines are kept (no dog in my office, you handle all cleanup and maintenance of the dog etc). In return though, I want to build that huge shed in the backyard for a woodshop and finishing booth.

I think she would agree if I offered this. And I would feel OK about having a dog because every time I felt irritated by it I would reflect on the shed that I've always wanted and that my wife doesn't want. And every time she saw the shed she'd think of how it was the price of having a dog.

Now these are spiritual matters and matters of conscience for your wife, so the initial negotiation might have to focus on her participating in some activitiy meant to help her see the Church is not a cult. Perhaps meeting with the missionaries simply to learn our doctrine rather that be converted, for example.

You would have to decide how important this is to you, to determine what you're willing to give up to convince her to do this. But it would have to be something she wants deeply for her to agree to it.

[talisyn]

Be thou an example.

[mlbrowninwa]

I have a bit of experience with this same situation. I have been a member of the LDS church almost a year now and recently ended a period of inactivity that lasted about five months while my wife and I worked through some issues. The issues where mainly focused around the church and I must say after taking a step back I can now see that I was at fault. When I decided to join the church, she did not stand in my way. The problems came when my son who is 15 decided to join as well. I did not push him to join in any way, but he was curious and decided to go with me. As I was excited to be part of the church and became more involved with home teaching and new member classes, things at home started to go down hill. Unconsciously, I was totally focusing on church and was pushing the church to my non-member family members all the time.

Once I realized this, I contacted my Bishop and took a break for a bit. I continued to pray and read the scriptures, but stopped the pushing I was doing at home. My wife has her agency, as I have mine. The biggest thing I had to come to terms with was to respect that. I have now been going to church again for over a month, and things are working out much better. She still questions the church and that's ok. She knows that I am here to answer any questions she may have whenever she has them. I always put her and my family first and make sure that I don't get too involved with things that take time away from them. My fellow brothers and sisters have been very understanding about everything, which has only strengthened my testimony. My son has no longer been attending, but every couple weeks I invite him to join me, and nightly I pray that the following Sunday will be the day he does. I also pray that the Spirit will touch my wife and at some point she will want to join me and see first hand what gives me the joy I feel. Being a part member family is hard. Just keep the lines of communication open, and respect your partner's thoughts. Heavenly Father will do the rest.