How Do You Deal With Screwy Relationships?

[Bini]

I guess I don't deal well with them. My BIL is dating a woman that is still married (with several children under the age of 10) and claims she wants a divorce but hasn't filed for it. She meanwhile continues to live this facade of a happy family under the same roof with her husband and their kiddies. Generally I don't care what stupid things people do but when it involves the family (which includes me) it really sucks. My first introduction to meeting this woman was on a Sunday morning. Hubby and I decided to drop by his parents' house for a bit and visit. We sat down at the breakfast table with my in-laws and were probably fifteen minutes or so into our visit, when suddenly this woman comes walking in from downstairs. She's briskly drying her wet hair with a towel and joins the table. She's nothing but smiles and quickly introduces herself. Hubby was much friendlier than I was and did some small talk but I just sat there dumbfounded. She ate some toast and drank some juice, then proceeded to tell us that she had to get going because she was her ward's pianist. She hurried downstairs to grab her overnight bag from the BIL's room (yes, did I forget to mention that he's 45 years old, unemployed and lives at home?) and then waved to everyone at the breakfast table before heading out the door. The strange mini van out front began to make sense now.. When she left I was still in shock. My MIL began to explain that she had stayed over last night with my BIL. The whole thing just gave me gas, seriously.

Anyway, in-laws aren't active LDS (hubby and I aren't either) but this woman seemingly is very active. But it's not the fact that she's a hypocrite Mormon but the fact that she IS married and messing around with my BIL (who should also know better). It just left a bad taste in my mouth. And now I may be socialising with this woman even more because she may join us for Thanksgiving. Bleh. So yeh, I don't deal well with screwy relationships. But I can choose how much of it I'll be apart of, and I've pretty much decided that I won't submit myself to the presence of my BIL and his new girlfriend — if I can help it. Maybe everyone else has turned a blind eye to this but I just don't want to be around it.

So how do you deal with screwy relationships?

[Suzie]

I don't deal with them period, particularly (like in this case) when it doesn't personally involves me. Whether it affects me or not, will be entirely my choice.

I know that it must be frustrating knowing these things and see it happening, however both of the persons involved are adults who seem to know exactly what they are doing. I believe if I was in your shoes, I would be polite with everyone but it doesn't mean I will go my way to socialize or be their "buddy".

[rameumptom]

Personally, I would be making a phone call to her bishop, so that he is aware of her actions. She shouldn't be serving in callings, partaking of the sacrament or attending temple, etc.

I would leave it to the bishop to determine what to do with her, and to encourage her to discuss it with her husband. Your BIL should know better than to be involved with a married woman, especially one with kids. He is taking their mother away from their happy home. I would sit quietly with my BIL, and share my concern with it.

Then I would let these things play out however they do. And I don't think I would attend Thanksgiving with the family, if she was there.

[Gwen]

so she is going to ditch her own children for thanksgiving? i would go to thanksgiving and if she was there i would take her for a walk and we'd have a long, serious, no games, woman to woman talk. lol

oh and yes you had better believe my brother would also be getting a talk.

[NeuroTypical]

She hurried downstairs to grab her overnight bag from the BIL's room (yes, did I forget to mention that he's 45 years old, unemployed and lives at home?)

Wait - by "lives at home" do you mean he lives with his mommy and daddy?

And that mommy and daddy are your husband's parents? And that mommy and daddy know what's going on under their roof and aren't doing something about it?

To answer your question, I deal with situations like these, by not marrying into them. How come you chose to?

LM

[prospectmom]

Personally, I would be making a phone call to her bishop, so that he is aware of her actions. She shouldn't be serving in callings, partaking of the sacrament or attending temple, etc.

I do not think it is our job to be the judge and tattle that is between each of us and God and our Bishop. We do not need to go about reporting each others sins or shortcomings

[Maureen]

...To answer your question, I deal with situations like these, by not marrying into them. How come you chose to?...

LM, my guess would be that Bini's crystal ball was broken.

M.

[Dr T]

I'd say talk to them first not the bishop. If that doesn't get anywhere take someone along with you. Then go to the church if it continues. That's my opinion.

[prospectmom]

Where do we get those fixed mine isn't working so well either

[Just_A_Guy]

Maybe it's none of Bini's business what the woman tells her bishop. But since Thanksgiving is supposed to be about families, and the woman's coming along . . . maybe Bini should call the husband and kids and invite them to show up as well?

[prospectmom]

Now theres an idea...... would truley put some zing in the holiday huh

[Guest]

Sometimes we just don't have any control over how creepy other people get...

So, I have two choices, go to Thanksgiving dinner with the creepy bunch - I have to say, Bini, your in-laws are just as creepy to allow that under their roof, and it doesn't matter if the guy is 45, if he's living with mom and dad, mom and dad can tell him "it's our way or the highway" -

or second choice - go party somewhere else. Unfortunately, since this is your husband's family, it is your husband's call on whether you go or not. I don't know how it is in your marriage, but in my marriage, we "assign" holidays - that is, Christmas is our family, New Year is my choice, Thanksgiving is his choice, etc. And when it comes to my in-laws, I don't deal with the problems there. My husband does. My job is to be nice to everyone in his family. If there is something that upsets me (like when my BIL told me I'm pretty silly to not like deer when I eat dogs - me being Filipino - even if I personally have never eaten dog and think it's pretty bad to do so). Anyway, even then, I tell my husband I have a problem with it, and my husband goes and talks to his brother, while I still continue to be nice to everybody.

So, if I were in your shoes, I will tell my husband how creepy that is and it's his choice whether to go to Thanksgiving or not. I would not get involved but will encourage my husband to get involved. I mean - I wouldn't go talking to BIL or the girl or even to MIL and FIL about it. I'll leave that to my husband to deal with. And then I just stay nice to everybody including the creepy BIL, but make it clear that I don't approve of the relationship. I wouldn't bring it up, but I wouldn't shy from the conversation either if it comes up. But, knowing me, I would probably say something like, "so, how are your kids? Are they having turkey with your in-laws?". Because, it would probably just irk me to no end having to sit there and pretend that everything is ok...

Manoman... the things we get into because of in-laws!

Edited November 23, 2010 by anatess

[Bini]

I reread my post this morning and realised it was a total rant. Haha. But thanks to those that have commented.

Just to clarify. Yes, BIL lives at home with in-laws and has been for about a year now. This is the same BIL that "borrows" from people and never returns the item or pays back what he owes. I actually made a thread about this a month or so ago. I guess you could say I'm not a fan of this guy. But I've always been civil towards him, as I believe I should be.

Wait - by "lives at home" do you mean he lives with his mommy and daddy?

And that mommy and daddy are your husband's parents? And that mommy and daddy know what's going on under their roof and aren't doing something about it?

To answer your question, I deal with situations like these, by not marrying into them. How come you chose to?

LM

Valid question, LM. While I can appreciate the principle of not marrying into situations like these, in reality, sometimes you just don't know until it happens and sometimes you just don't have a choice in how other family members behave. It's unfortunate that my BIL is an idiot and clearly I'm not too fond of his girlfriend either. But none of this would have stopped me from making the decision to marry my husband.

My job is to be nice to everyone in his family. If there is something that upsets me (like when my BIL told me I'm pretty silly to not like deer when I eat dogs - me being Filipino - even if I personally have never eaten dog and think it's pretty bad to do so).

You're not alone. I dislike deer meat. I have tried it. I'm pretty sure I've eaten dog meat too, not necessarily in the Philippines but possibly in China. You never truly know what you're eating..

[NeuroTypical]

none of this would have stopped me from making the decision to marry my husband.

Fair enough. I asked, not as a way to condemn your decision, but out of genuine curiosity from someone who also picked in-laws with issues. When I was dating my future bride, I saw the potential for many horrible trainwrecks in her family's future. But my future bride and I seemed to be of a similar mind about what was coming, so I took the plunge. It was harder than I thought, but yeah, I think I made the right decision too.

LM

[Dravin]

If there is something that upsets me (like when my BIL told me I'm pretty silly to not like deer when I eat dogs - me being Filipino - even if I personally have never eaten dog and think it's pretty bad to do so).

What a strange concept. Even if you had and did enjoy dog what does that have to do with enjoying deer? That'd be like arguing, "How can you not like pork when you like beef?"

[Wingnut]

Unfortunately, since this is your husband's family, it is your husband's call on whether you go or not.

He can go. Doesn't mean that Bini has to, too.

[PrinceofLight2000]

He can go. Doesn't mean that Bini has to, too.

I'm expecting good advice out of you in this thread since you're a frickin' wingnut.

[rameumptom]

I do not think it is our job to be the judge and tattle that is between each of us and God and our Bishop. We do not need to go about reporting each others sins or shortcomings

Actually, it IS our responsibility to let bishops (who are the judge in Israel) to know what major sins are occurring in the wards and branches of the Church. If we know something is going on and sit idly by doing nothing, then we are as guilty of the sin as the person committing it. We are assenting to the sin and in hiding the sin from the Lord's judge on earth. We may as well be the Gadianton robbers' accessories in crime!

It is the bishop's responsibility to judge. But it is OUR responsibility to make grave sins known to the bishop. This is why whenever someone receives a calling, we are given a chance to oppose the sustaining. It is at that time we can explain to the church authorities the grievous sins we know the person has been involved in, and then leave it in their hands to determine what to do.

See these scriptures: D&C 58:60, Mosiah 26, D&C 63:63

D&C 42 tells us:

80 And if any man or woman shall commit adultery, he or she shall be tried before two elders of the church, or more, and every word shall be established against him or her by two witnesses of the church, and not of the enemy; but if there are more than two witnesses it is better. 81 But he or she shall be condemned by the mouth of two witnesses; and the elders shall lay the case before the church, and the church shall lift up their hands against him or her, that they may be dealt with according to the law of God.

82 And if it can be, it is necessary that the bishop be present also.

83 And thus ye shall do in all cases which shall come before you.

Bini, you are one witness of the sins being committed. It is your responsibility to bring it to the bishop's attention if the woman does not confess herself. The bishop should seek out other witnesses, and discuss it with the woman to see if she will confess her sins. It is his responsibility to keep the Church clean from iniquity, and can only do so with the assistance of the membership. You let him know, and then leave the rest in his hands.

[Bini]

JAG, your suggestion was brilliant and gave me a good chuckle too. I meant to comment on that earlier but it seems that I'm bad at responding in a systematical manner.

Unfortunately, since this is your husband's family, it is your husband's call on whether you go or not.

He can go. Doesn't mean that Bini has to, too.

He can go. Doesn't mean that Bini has to, too.

The great thing about my husband is that I am his priority. So how I feel about something is just as important to him as it is to me. Sometimes he's even more concerned and assertive to what I'm feeling than I am, when I'd rather not make a fuss and keep a low profile. We have discussed this conversation more and he absolutely agrees that if that woman is present, both of us, will not be attending Thanksgiving. But after chatting with his mum on the phone it sounds like she won't be there. Pop the fizzy bubbly! This calls for celebration in and of itself.

Actually, it IS our responsibility to let bishops (who are the judge in Israel) to know what major sins are occurring in the wards and branches of the Church. If we know something is going on and sit idly by doing nothing, then we are as guilty of the sin as the person committing it. We are assenting to the sin and in hiding the sin from the Lord's judge on earth. We may as well be the Gadianton robbers' accessories in crime!

It is the bishop's responsibility to judge. But it is OUR responsibility to make grave sins known to the bishop. This is why whenever someone receives a calling, we are given a chance to oppose the sustaining. It is at that time we can explain to the church authorities the grievous sins we know the person has been involved in, and then leave it in their hands to determine what to do.

See these scriptures: D&C 58:60, Mosiah 26, D&C 63:63

D&C 42 tells us:

Bini, you are one witness of the sins being committed. It is your responsibility to bring it to the bishop's attention if the woman does not confess herself. The bishop should seek out other witnesses, and discuss it with the woman to see if she will confess her sins. It is his responsibility to keep the Church clean from iniquity, and can only do so with the assistance of the membership. You let him know, and then leave the rest in his hands.

Ram, I understand what you've said but I don't find it applicable in my situation and I'll explain why. First, I have only met this woman once and it was a totally awkward experience as I shared in my first post. Everything was such a blur as I sat there dumbfounded, I don't even recall what her name was and I haven't inquired about it since because the LESS I know about her the MORE I'm kept out of the drama. This is why I refer to her as "that woman" so to speak. Apart from her having children and technically still married, I don't know anything about her, let alone where she lives and attends church. But more importantly, I'm an inactive member and have been for over the last ten years. While I'm not out committing adultery, there are still certain aspects of my life that make me "unworthy", thus I do not have a temple recommend nor have I ever. I guess what I'm trying to say is that because I'm not/haven't been actively involved in the Church and am struggling with my own testimony in whether it is true or not, that woman breaking her covenants is not a major concern to me. I guess it would be comparable to a NON member reporting this to a Bishop — why would they? Like I stated earlier, it's not the fact that she's a hypocrite Mormon but more that she's married and messing around. If she just "disappeared" and I never had to see her again — that would suffice for me!

[Wingnut]

I'm expecting good advice out of you in this thread since you're a frickin' wingnut.

Nah, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the screwy relationships in my own extended family this weekend. I have neither the time nor the energy to help anyone else figure theirs out in the meantime.

Sorry, Bini. :)

[Bini]

Nah, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the screwy relationships in my own extended family this weekend. I have neither the time nor the energy to help anyone else figure theirs out in the meantime.

Sorry, Bini. :)

Haha. Thanks, Wingnut.

Well I'm happy to report that Thanksgiving lunch was delicious and without drama! BIL's girlfriend was not there :] So the get-together was enjoyable. No one even mentioned her, except for one peep out of mum at the very end when everyone was leaving. Something about that woman having a pet cat. But who cares.