Do you have person hatred for anyone? Be honest

[Nathan6329]

I'm not happy about it, but there are some people out there I was once friends with or got along with anyone that I now have personal hatred and wish the worst luck to because I feel that is the only way I can feel like the score has been evened.

I am one of the most forgiving people when it comes to someone who wants to make up for a past action but when someone either does something behind my back or takes advantage of me I usually either say something mean to them that really hurts and feel good about it or I just wish death upon them and enjoy hearing of their misfortunes.

My actions in the past had been very bad to the point where I had gotten in trouble for them but now that I have matured to the extent where I am able to control myself for my actions but it really hasn't helped me to forgive anyone and there have been family members that I ignored at weddings and other family gathers and that I have hung up on if they tried calling me.

I think what is making it not go away is because I somewhat can't help feeling that my actions to them were justified somehow and I even told my sister in the past that she either uninvited the people that I hated or I wasn't gonna be there. I ended up going but refused to wear a tuxedo or take any part in the wedding and I didn't congratulate her or her husband and sort of spoiled the mood a little bit at the reception. I doubt my sister actually noticed because she was so into getting hammered and that is probably the part she looked forward to the most at her wedding but I can't really say I would have done much differently. The only reasons I really went were so I didn't have to hear the guilt from my family for the rest of my life, and I had sort of a family business relationship to which I didn't wanna lose my clients over it.

The problem is the answer is not really as simple as just getting over it. I have been cursed with anger and depression throughout my life.

**Note, I meant to say "personal" hatred***

Edited February 1, 2011 by Nathan6329
Typo.

[Backroads]

I've learned that I'm incapable of harboring a grudge for very long at all.

Now are you enjoying hating people, or do you realize it's not the best idea?

[Guest mormonmusic]

What you wrote takes a lot of brutal honesty, and courage.

I have felt that at different times in my life. ONce to a contractor who ripped up my lawn as part of a building development next to me, and didn't bother to fix it like he said he would. He did it to save himself the hassle of building a retaining wall. I sued him and he got witnesses to lie and I had to PAY HIM, plus bear all my own court costs and pay for the cost of fixing the lawn. The judge was nasty and it was a terrible experience. I felt that desire to inflict harm on him for a while afterwards.

However, I realized immediately that it was only self-destructive. The enduring impact of that situation is that I learned never to put myself in a position where people can take advantage of me, if I can help it. One must always protect oneself in business situations by paying after services are performed, by having promises in writing wherever possible. I learned that the court system is not always capable of discerning truth either --one's best defense is always having recourse in the event of broken promises.

So, knowing your tendencies toward strong feelings, you might analyze them for what you learned about yourself, and how to interact with others to minimize these feelings -- they do not make people happy -- I know that first hand. Now, when I reflect on my own hatred experience, I don't feel hatred at all -- I look at it as a valuable learning experience that has helped me become very effective in working with contractors. In fact, I did an agressive home renovation in two weeks recently, and was VERY satisfied with the work of the contractor. A huge part of why that big transaction went well was the experience I gained in my formerly hatred experience. It was a hard, but important lesson, and it improved me after I put it in the right context.

If you do the same, you will definitely feel better. Try reading the psalm of Nephi in the book of Mormon....the way Nephi dealt with feelings of depression and hatred (presumably at his brothers) is inspiring, and shows solid application of cognitive-based therapy techniques.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I've learned that I'm incapable of harboring a grudge for very long at all.

Backroads -- why is this so? How do you get yourself out of holding a grudge?

[Bini]

I have been cursed with anger and depression throughout my life.

The BOLD is key.

If you struggle with chronic depression, a lot of your thoughts and emotions are not necessarily true to what you're really thinking or really feeling. Racing thoughts of anger and rollercoaster emotions are typically products of a chemical imbalance in the situation of depression or mood disorder. I struggle with bipolar so I've dealt with many of the same thoughts and emotions. After addressing my bipolar depression, I realised I wasn't really as angry and hateful towards people as I had been in the past, being undiagnosed and untreated. So maybe this is something you should consult a physician with and make a better quality of life for yourself? It's normal to be mad after someone has wronged you. It's normal to cry after someone has hurt you. But if you're always mad and always crying, that is not normal.

[Suzie]

There are a couple of people I personally don't like because of serious things they have done to me, however I don't hate them or wish them bad.

[Backroads]

Backroads -- why is this so? How do you get yourself out of holding a grudge?

I think part of it is simply my personality. I'm very laid-back, very "whatever", and even when I lose my temper or become otherwise impassioned it burns hot and fast to get my emotions out of the way before calming down.

I also don't like the way I feel when I'm mad at people. I tend to obsess, and that's all I can think about. It's better to push those feelings away and deal with the facts of the situation.

I did have a college roommate with whom I fought constantly. For awhile, I did feel very hateful toward her. And then one day... it just stopped. I will never be bosom buddies with her, but I don't think of her as anyone but just a lousy roommate I once had.

I also believe that people are human and prone to mistakes. I also know not everyone is going to like me. I also believe most people are not getting at me but merely using me to get out other frustrations. Chances are, they are going to feel bad about it. They might not come right out and apologize, but chances are they will feel bad.

Now keep in mind I"m capable of chewing someone out. A few months back, my sister got into a huge fight with a mutual friend. All facts considered, I sided with my sister and told this guy so. We exchanged some Facebook messages, then he promptly unfriended me.

It was rather awkward, because the next day was a dual missionary homecoming/farewell of two more mutual friends. Meeting was... awkward. But after a few minutes, we were able to chat it up like anything without a single mention of what had happened the day before. I did later apologize for some of my choice words, but I also don't feel I held a grudge, just was saying it like it was.

The thing is... you just can't expect perfection from everyone. You have to get over it. God did not command us to hold grudges but to forgive. Why ruin perfectly good friendships over little things?

Also... if my friend who was raped as a child can eventually come to decent terms with her rapist (after he was of course punished), why can't I let things go?

I also heard an excellent quote a while back...

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past."

[Guest LDS_Guy_1986]

I'm not happy about it, but there are some people out there I was once friends with or got along with anyone that I now have personal hatred and wish the worst luck to because I feel that is the only way I can feel like the score has been evened.

I am one of the most forgiving people when it comes to someone who wants to make up for a past action but when someone either does something behind my back or takes advantage of me I usually either say something mean to them that really hurts and feel good about it or I just wish death upon them and enjoy hearing of their misfortunes.

My actions in the past had been very bad to the point where I had gotten in trouble for them but now that I have matured to the extent where I am able to control myself for my actions but it really hasn't helped me to forgive anyone and there have been family members that I ignored at weddings and other family gathers and that I have hung up on if they tried calling me.

I think what is making it not go away is because I somewhat can't help feeling that my actions to them were justified somehow and I even told my sister in the past that she either uninvited the people that I hated or I wasn't gonna be there. I ended up going but refused to wear a tuxedo or take any part in the wedding and I didn't congratulate her or her husband and sort of spoiled the mood a little bit at the reception. I doubt my sister actually noticed because she was so into getting hammered and that is probably the part she looked forward to the most at her wedding but I can't really say I would have done much differently. The only reasons I really went were so I didn't have to hear the guilt from my family for the rest of my life, and I had sort of a family business relationship to which I didn't wanna lose my clients over it.

The problem is the answer is not really as simple as just getting over it. I have been cursed with anger and depression throughout my life.

**Note, I meant to say "personal" hatred***

I understand what you are feeling I felt such things towards my mother who was very unfaithful and abandoned here children to peruse her affairs.

The issue though is that you let your anger become destructive to your spiritual progression and to your family.

Being angry with someone is natural and fine, Christ who is perfect got angry when people defiled the temple he made a wipe to beat them with, turned over tables, and chased them from the temple.

This is an example of righteous anger, when someone does something so offensive like defiling your house or your family you are justified to be angry.

What is unjustified is hatred, to hate a person is to do the will of Satan. I know this because I have hated people. I hated Arabs after 9/11 and blamed them for the terror attacks. I hated my mother, for being unfaithful to her husband and her children, and not raising here children like she was suppose to.

I conquered this hate though through Jesus Christ and his everlasting mercy, as I served in Iraq with the US Army my heart was softened to Arabs as I saw that they are regular people who seek peace and prosperity and to cast of the yoke of a militant religion (Sunni Islam and Sharia Law) that preaches death and hate to those who will not convert or obey there demands.

I learned to forgive my mother for her transgressions against me, and with forgiveness there is no hate. Through my forgiveness my mother chose to investigate this Church (she never thought I would ever speak to her let alone forgive her) and is preparing to be baptized. Through the love of Jesus Christ that I showed when I forgave her of her sins, she came to repent and accept Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and Joseph Smith as a Prophet of God!

Hating people is evil, hating sin is not evil (God and Christ both say that they hate sin and that we should too), the problem is separating the two.

It is easy to start hating people when you should be loving them and hating there sins.

Hating people is destructive and it stops all spiritual progression completely.

Whether this hate is based on ignorance (like my initial hatred of Arabs) or arrogance (my hatred of my mother for her sins against me) it is equally destructive.

I hate all sin but I do my best to only hate the sin and to love the sinner as my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ does!

I hope that my examples show you the error of holding hate towards others in your heart. Know that through Jesus Christ all wounds can be healed if you want them to be healed.

[Blackmarch]

I'm not happy about it, but there are some people out there I was once friends with or got along with anyone that I now have personal hatred and wish the worst luck to because I feel that is the only way I can feel like the score has been evened.

I am one of the most forgiving people when it comes to someone who wants to make up for a past action but when someone either does something behind my back or takes advantage of me I usually either say something mean to them that really hurts and feel good about it or I just wish death upon them and enjoy hearing of their misfortunes.

My actions in the past had been very bad to the point where I had gotten in trouble for them but now that I have matured to the extent where I am able to control myself for my actions but it really hasn't helped me to forgive anyone and there have been family members that I ignored at weddings and other family gathers and that I have hung up on if they tried calling me.

I think what is making it not go away is because I somewhat can't help feeling that my actions to them were justified somehow and I even told my sister in the past that she either uninvited the people that I hated or I wasn't gonna be there. I ended up going but refused to wear a tuxedo or take any part in the wedding and I didn't congratulate her or her husband and sort of spoiled the mood a little bit at the reception. I doubt my sister actually noticed because she was so into getting hammered and that is probably the part she looked forward to the most at her wedding but I can't really say I would have done much differently. The only reasons I really went were so I didn't have to hear the guilt from my family for the rest of my life, and I had sort of a family business relationship to which I didn't wanna lose my clients over it.

The problem is the answer is not really as simple as just getting over it. I have been cursed with anger and depression throughout my life.

**Note, I meant to say "personal" hatred***

I have hated people before and wished they'd either get a brain or get neutered/sterilized, or get shot, I've never held on to a grudge for long tho... the type of hatred that drives someone to totally destroy or bring down someone or something else continually whether rational and irrational is alien to me, and I have never understood.

And I fear the time should i ever fall into it.

Edited February 1, 2011 by Blackmarch

[Nathan6329]

Enjoying being angry isn't really what I meant to say, because I don't wanna get angry.

However, there are a few things I will never forgive people for and those things are friends and family members lying to me and standing me up, doing things behind my back, using me, etc.

My medications have suppressed anger and frustration a little bit, but never about those specific situations.

One of our family friends before I quit sales a while ago had been talking for me for weeks and I had been answering her questions and gave her all the inside information she needed to know and then she used that and went to someone else just because she has a controlling mother that wanted her to use one of her friends. I have ignored her at gatherings and parties ever since and even made some demoralizing comments trashing her in front of some of her good friends that got a lot of people to lose some respect for me.

[Backroads]

Enjoying being angry isn't really what I meant to say, because I don't wanna get angry.

However, there are a few things I will never forgive people for and those things are friends and family members lying to me and standing me up, doing things behind my back, using me, etc.

Enjoying being angry was the only way I knew how to phrase it. Some people love holding grudges and think it's the only way. I guess I wanted to check to see if that's how you were or if you did consider it a problem. You answered my question. :)

However, with your friends and family members, why do you have to hold grudges about such little things? Are you really to the point where you would rather forfeit relationships? Or would you rather work on them and help fix them?

If you end a friendship or reject a family member every time they do something wrong, well, that's not healthy and soon you will have no one left.

[Nathan6329]

Enjoying being angry was the only way I knew how to phrase it. Some people love holding grudges and think it's the only way. I guess I wanted to check to see if that's how you were or if you did consider it a problem. You answered my question. :)

However, with your friends and family members, why do you have to hold grudges about such little things? Are you really to the point where you would rather forfeit relationships? Or would you rather work on them and help fix them?

If you end a friendship or reject a family member every time they do something wrong, well, that's not healthy and soon you will have no one left.

If it is a spur of the moment type of thing where they said or did something inconsiderate without really thinking about it I don't think I have ever not forgiven someone who apologized for it.

What I'm talking about are things I see as cold blooded plans where people don't even think about how it is gonna hurt our relationship so that makes me believe that they don't care enough about me so I pretty much tell them to never talk to me again.

[Backroads]

If it is a spur of the moment type of thing where they said or did something inconsiderate without really thinking about it I don't think I have ever not forgiven someone who apologized for it.

What I'm talking about are things I see as cold blooded plans where people don't even think about how it is gonna hurt our relationship so that makes me believe that they don't care enough about me so I pretty much tell them to never talk to me again.

So you wait for an apology before you forgive? That's not how forgiveness works.

And... I have to be a little suspicious to how you are treating people that makes them act in cold-blood toward you.

It's not good spiritually walking around hating people.

[Blackmarch]

Enjoying being angry isn't really what I meant to say, because I don't wanna get angry.

However, there are a few things I will never forgive people for and those things are friends and family members lying to me and standing me up, doing things behind my back, using me, etc.

My medications have suppressed anger and frustration a little bit, but never about those specific situations.

One of our family friends before I quit sales a while ago had been talking for me for weeks and I had been answering her questions and gave her all the inside information she needed to know and then she used that and went to someone else just because she has a controlling mother that wanted her to use one of her friends. I have ignored her at gatherings and parties ever since and even made some demoralizing comments trashing her in front of some of her good friends that got a lot of people to lose some respect for me.

If you wish to progress spiritually you're going to have to forgive her for those at some point.

The longer you dwell on it the more it will eat you alive.

[bcguy]

I have people hate me in my past and because, they had some REALLY big issues like, a past air force roommate barged in saying "I am going to be your roommate now" I said huu? He was given a key from the dorm sargent. He was a jerk to me, put his shirt in the sink for two days! yelling at me to not take it out. Guy was a jerk. I have to bush my teeth!! Do I hate him? no, but I have bad feelings towards him. There were some phyco nutcases in the milliatary which is one of the reasons I left.

Had another roommate in Seattle that wrote the most discussing hate filled letters to me because I ate a orange of his by accident. Once, I came home from BC Canada one night and guy went on a fist slamming fest on my bedroom door trying to break in! Called police on him. I uncovered some letters he tossed into the garbage that uncovered some of his past and he had LOTS of hate towards alot of people including the past. I KNEW the very first day he moved in, when he was screaming at the top of his lungs in his car and slamming his head into the steering wheel because he could not start it, this guy was going to be some serious problems. BTW, it was a shared house situation where the landlord dictates who lives there.

I finally got sealed, found a job up north and moved out. What a relief. Am I angry with him..yes!! Do I hate him? no! because he has issues that are NOT mine.

Edited February 3, 2011 by pam
Inappropriate word used

[MichaelCraig]

Hatred and unforgiveness are both like taking poison......and waiting for the other person to die.

[Guest]

I can't hold a grudge against other people. I am too busy repenting for my own sins to worry about people who transgress against me.

It's really very liberating. To be able to say, "I love you, I am sorry for causing you upset, and I forgive you", even if the other person is still busy throwing verbal daggers at you. It dulls the pain and even wipes it away completely. You should try it once and see the reaction of the other person. I've done it plenty of times. The really crazy thing is - the other person (and yes, it is usually my husband, my sister, my brothers, or my parents) sees the exact same situation as "my fault" so they're waiting for me to apologize so they can forgive me. So, if I didn't make the first move, we wouldn't be talking until we all die.

Just a note - I express anger with a passion - one of my weaknesses. So, it usually happens like this: Somebody does something to hurt me, I explode, then when I calm down (explosion is always just a flash point), I ask forgiveness for exploding, then I forgive the other person - completely - regardless of whether they gave an apology or not, regardless of whether the issue is resolved or not.

And here's a true story that happened recently: I went to visit my sister who lives about an hour from my childhood friend. We arranged to meet but family obligations made it difficult for me to align my schedule with my friend's availability. So I went home and never got to meet my friend. A year later, I went to visit my sister again and called her again to see if we can meet - and she was nasty to me! She said something to the effect, "how dare you talk to me when you couldn't be bothered to find time in your schedule to see me last year!"... For an entire year, I never knew she has been that upset with me! Anyway, I said I'm sorry I didn't know she was hurt and that it was something beyond my control and told her that she can call me if she wants us to meet. Anyway, she never called, so we never met... And I got to thinking... wow, for an entire year, I am just going on my merry way and here she is hurting for an entire year. What a waste of a year! Anyway, we're friends again - we finally got to meet when she came over to my town to visit some of her friends here not too long ago.

So, yeah, I don't understand how people can hold grudges like that. It is much more liberating to just forgive and let it go.

[Backroads]

I think it's very much of a blessing that we were commanded to forgive everyone. God could have commanded us to sulk over every little pain that happens to us and never forgive anyone. That would be a miserable existence.

[Soulsearcher]

I think it's very much of a blessing that we were commanded to forgive everyone. God could have commanded us to sulk over every little pain that happens to us and never forgive anyone. That would be a miserable existence.

A few people I hate. Don't feel guilty about it in the least, have no problem admitting I'd love to stand by and watch as they died a long horrible painful death. They worked hard to earn it and deserve every second of my loathing.

[Madriglace]

I can honestly say I don't hate anyone ... hate is such a waste of time and energy. There are people I don't like and some that really tick me off but I don't hate them.

People that have done really horrible things to me have been forgiven and discontinued ... I have no time or place in my life for these people.

I feel lke I have way more to do that I can handle some times let alone trying to remember who i hate and why, I need to work on me. My mother always says consider the source and ignore it ... words I try to live by. Hate hurts the person doing it worse than it does the person it is aimed at.

[Guest DeborahC]

Funny you should ask.

On another forum is a person who I've tried not to hate.

But today I emailed a friend to vent, saying, "I never thought I could hate anyone, but I truly do hate _____!"

Why?

This person bullies me untiringly... no matter WHAT I say, he mocks me.

And not only me... he's rude to others.

He has a wee little group he's warm with,

and is a perfect &^_$%$*^ to everyone else.... so full of himself.

He won't let up.

The mods of the forum let him continue, even when other people complain.

He is a friend of the forum owner.

I really love the forum and the other people on it, or I'd simply stay away.

He takes the joy away from being there.

I left that particular forum for over a year, thinking he'd become obsessed with someone else.

When I returned, he immediately began the old behavior.

He's just decided he will torment me forever.

So I'll have to leave again.

And yes.. I hate him..

Oh, I got over feeling sorry for him.

He's a bully, plain and simple.

I wish he'd fall off the face of the earth.

If he was a bug, I'd squash him flat!

I'm not proud of those feelings, but there they are...

Edited February 4, 2011 by DeborahC

[applepansy]

I can honestly say I do not hate anyone. I have. I forgave the person. I do not socialize with her. She hurt children rerevocably.

We are commanded to forgive. We are commanded to turn the other check. We are commanded to carry or give our enemy our coak and our cloak. We are not commanded to stand there and continue to be abused.

To the OP: Who is at fault if you continue carrying the grudge and hate in your heart?

[pam]

Since this is a really negative subject and we want to be more uplifting....I'm am choosing to close this thread.