Could a non-LDS ever be accepted by an LDS family?

[jl182]

Hi

I am not LDS. I just really need some help and advice and I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. Him and his family are LDS and I am not. When we first started dating, we were 18 and his parents were very upset about it. When they found out I wasn't LDS, they tried to get him to end our relationship and his mom said some really hurtful things about me. They told him he would never be happy with me, that I would ruin his life, and that he would cause a rift in their family if he stayed with me. Obviously, it upset both of us very much.

Things were really bad for a while after that. It hurt my feelings a lot..I just didn't expect it. I've always had mormon friends and they've usually always been very warm and welcoming even though I am not in their church, so I was startled by how hostile his parents were and I didn't know what to do. They treated us very different. My bf has a brother who had an LDS girlfriend (now his wife) and they were always very sweet and approving to them, while to us they were always harsh and cold and disapproving. His brother got far more privelages with his gf than us, and they got along very well with his girlfriend while it was hard for us to even talk..

Well, after some time I guess they realized that we weren't going to be just a highschool fling and things improved. They didn't expect my boyfriend to tell me the things they had said and they felt bad when they found out that he did. After about a year they were a lot nicer to me, had me over more and got to know me better. Now it's been 2 years and I've spent lots of time with his family, I've gone to church with them tons of times and I come over for dinner and hang out and they hug me goodbye and everything, so it's a lot better, it's just...still not the same. My bf's brother and his LDS wife are still treated very differently.

I still feel bad most of the time I guess it's hard for me to forget their initial reaction. Most of the time I still feel very awkward and uncomfortable, and unwelcome at his house. I've always been very shy and most of the time I end up only talking to my Bf. It hurts because I really do love him and I love his family too, they are good people and they just wanted what they thought was best for their son and reacted too strongly I think. Even though things are better now, I still can't completely let my guard down and be myself around them. I want to be happy there, I want them to like me, and I want to be able to talk i'm just..intimidated and scared of them. I'm scared to be myself

About the LDS church..I am interested in it. Of course after dating someone in the church for this long I have thought about joining. I am very open to learning about it and a lot of the things i have learned I like. I have been to LDS church LOTS of times over the years, and I am interested and open to learn more. I went to a sacrement once and the speaker touched me so much it made me cry! But I just don't think I'm in a place to convert quite yet. I am only 20 years old, and I still want to learn more before I make that choice. I just don't think I'm at that place in my life yet. I don't believe in converting JUST to get married. I would only convert if I truly believed in the church.

Of course, I want to learn about it for potential marriage to my boyfriend. We do talk about marriage and we know we are going to marry each other. He's said he would marry me in or out of the church. My boyfriend would never ask me to convert and he never has pressured me or anything, and I would never ask him to leave his religion. We both accept each other how we are. But I know it would mean a lot to him if i did get sealed to him in the temple and was a church member with him.

So my main question is...how can I make things better now? I may convert someday, in fact I feel I most likely will convert. But until then, or if that doesn't happen...I was just hoping someone could give me some advice. I'd love an LDS perspective on this, to maybe help me understand how they are feeling more? and what I can do to make it better? How to feel like they don't resent me Do you think I could ever fit in with them? Even if I didn't convert?

I'm sorry to have written so much, hopefully someone reads this. I appreciate ANY advice at all!!

[ZionWoman]

Sounds like you are caught in the middle of some tension between your bf and his parents. There is a similar situation in my dh's family. Maybe I can help but I'll just be guessing since I obviously don't know the whole situation.

LDS parents teach their boys from a young age that they are to go on a mission. This is usually done at 19. From what I understand your bf hasn't gone? And if he is talking marriage with you he's not likely to. You two have been together for two years? Are you living together? Are you intimate? These are also things that we DO NOT do in the church. We believe that you only have relations after marriage. His parents are probably disappointed in his choices he has made for his own life. It has very little to do with you personally. If he were doing the same with an LDS girl, they would probably feel the same.

As for how you feel in the family, a lot of it has to do with you. In my dh's family, I'm the LDS girl married to the Return Missionary and my sister in law is the one who was not LDS and lived him before marriage and he didn't go on a mission, etc. I think my in laws like my sister in law better than me now although they were initially upset by their relationship.

Give them time. If you really love him, things will get better because that is the thing you do have in common with his parents.

Hope that helps.

[Dravin]

So my main question is...how can I make things better now? I may convert someday, in fact I feel I most likely will convert. But until then, or if that doesn't happen...I was just hoping someone could give me some advice.

I have limited advice on the subject:

1) Do not convert to try to ease things over (certainly convert because you believe the Church is true, but not as a political move).

2) Love, love until it hurts and love them some more. Things may or may not improve at some point but anger or hate (I'm not accusing you of those things) won't help things improve. [Note, if they are abusive loving them doesn't mean being a punching bag for them].

[bytebear]

my advice may not be what you want to hear, but... Don't bet on things changing. If you are uncomfortable, and if you don't get along, and if things are just not pleasant, you may be spending the rest of your life under these conditions. It may be because you aren't LDS, but it may be just that you and they don't mix well. It may be something you can't fix. So, I think it's important to go into a long term relation ship with both eyes open, and don't pretend that things will just get better. ask yourself if this is how you want to spend your life?

You are young, and so is he, so remember that in the years to come, you will become a whole new person Don't hedge your bets on "love" for love's sake. Be practical, and know that your heart will heal and there are others who has a more overall package (i.e. family, friends) than your current boyfriend.

Did I mention that you are young?

Als, I applaud your interest in the LDS church, but I think it should be independent of this relationship. In other words, join the church for yourself, and not for him or his family. I really don't think it will change thing with your potential in-laws.

Edited February 3, 2011 by bytebear

[Guest]

Don't really have much advice here. My husband is not just the only LDS in my devout-Catholic family when we got married - he was the only blue-eyed-blonde in a sea of Filipinos too. So, yeah, my family are not as close to him as they are with the other in-laws. We would all be at family dinner party and eveybody is speaking in Filipino all around him - basically just ignoring his existence.

It's okay with him, though. He doesn't mind it much. He knows who he is, he knows who my family are, and he knows how important he is to ME.

I love that movie quote from Meet Joe Black when Allison told his father how it felt growing up with her sister being her father's favorite:

"I've felt loved, and that's all that matters. So, never mind favorites. You're allowed to have one. The point is, you've been mine."

That's how I look at favorites - favorite daughter, favorite son, favorite child, favorite student, favorite person... whatever. They're allowed to have one just like you're allowed to have one too. It doesn't mean you love them any less. The only important thing is that you are your future-husband's favorite.

[jl182]

Thank you for your answers everyone!! You are all really helpful even if you don't think you are. :)

LDS parents teach their boys from a young age that they are to go on a mission. This is usually done at 19. From what I understand your bf hasn't gone? And if he is talking marriage with you he's not likely to. You two have been together for two years? Are you living together? Are you intimate? These are also things that we DO NOT do in the church.

Give them time. If you really love him, things will get better because that is the thing you do have in common with his parents.

Hope that helps.

Thanks ZionWoman it does help me understand how they are feeling. To answer, no he hasn't and isn't going to go on a mission. Not any of his older brothers went either, no one in his family really has. We are not intimate and we do not live together either. We try to respect his and his family's beliefs and not do anything too much against them.

I have limited advice on the subject:

1) Do not convert to try to ease things over (certainly convert because you believe the Church is true, but not as a political move).

2) Love, love until it hurts and love them some more. Things may or may not improve at some point but anger or hate (I'm not accusing you of those things) won't help things improve. [Note, if they are abusive loving them doesn't mean being a punching bag for them].

Dravin, I agree with both of these things you said especially that last part about loving and staying away from anger or hate. I admit, at sometimes it's been a little difficult not to feel angry but I try to remember that they are important to me and to act out in anger toward them would be damaging to our relationship.

Don't really have much advice here. My husband is not just the only LDS in my devout-Catholic family when we got married - he was the only blue-eyed-blonde in a sea of Filipinos too. So, yeah, my family are not as close to him as they are with the other in-laws. We would all be at family dinner party and eveybody is speaking in Filipino all around him - basically just ignoring his existence.

It's okay with him, though. He doesn't mind it much. He knows who he is, he knows who my family are, and he knows how important he is to ME.

I love that movie quote from Meet Joe Black when Allison told his father how it felt growing up with her sister being her father's favorite:

"I've felt loved, and that's all that matters. So, never mind favorites. You're allowed to have one. The point is, you've been mine."

That's how I look at favorites - favorite daughter, favorite son, favorite child, favorite student, favorite person... whatever. They're allowed to have one just like you're allowed to have one too. It doesn't mean you love them any less. The only important thing is that you are your future-husband's favorite.

Annatess, thank you so much for posting and telling me a little about your experience. Lots of times I've felt really alone through this and it's good to know there are people out there going through kind of similar experiences...I just want you to know I really loved what you said about favorites and stuff, it made me feel a lot better and I never thought of it that way but I agree :) You don't have to answer this but did you join the church when you guys got married?? Was your family supportive? I'm just curious cause it's just a few more things I've had do think about

Anyways thanks everyone for taking the time to offer advice I really appreciate it and any more is welcome too!

[Guest]

Annatess, thank you so much for posting and telling me a little about your experience. Lots of times I've felt really alone through this and it's good to know there are people out there going through kind of similar experiences...I just want you to know I really loved what you said about favorites and stuff, it made me feel a lot better and I never thought of it that way but I agree :) You don't have to answer this but did you join the church when you guys got married?? Was your family supportive? I'm just curious cause it's just a few more things I've had do think about

Okay, true story:

The day before my husband and I eloped, I talked to my mother. She was very upset that I'm marrying a non-Catholic (my husband's mother is also upset that her son is marrying a non-LDS... go figure). Anyway, my mother told me, "You are going to be blinded by love and start believing anti-Catholic teachings!". So, I told my mother that night, "Mother, you don't have to worry about anything, I was born Catholic, I am Catholic, I will die Catholic." 4 years later, I got baptized LDS.

But no, I wasn't blinded by love for my husband. He was just fine with me being Catholic - he even attended all the Catholic events with me. I became LDS because I "pondered and prayed" for myself. So, yeah, my mother-in-law was ecstatic, but my relationship with my family will never be the same again. I'm okay with that too. I still attend Catholic stuff (baptisms, first communions, etc), but, I get these funny looks when I don't line up to take the sacrament. And we don't talk religion anymore... My mother wasn't there for my wedding, sealing, birth of my children, etc. I'm fine with that too. I know she loves me.

But you know what's really cool? My brother attended my first son's baptism. That was awesome. So yeah, I don't let those things bother me - I know why they feel that way. I just have to see it from their point of view, ya know. I mean - if my son goes and becomes a buddhist, I would be disappointed and I probably won't be able to stop myself from expressing that disappointment, but I would still love him. Always.

Edited February 4, 2011 by anatess

[applepansy]

You're received some really good advice here and I agree with it all. I'm glad you've received comfort from everyone's words.

I would like to point out that sometimes relationships remained strained after such interactions as you've described because we forget to forgive. You sound like a lovely young women and I don't know enough to make a judgement about where anyone is holding a grudge. Forgiveness has not been brought up in this thread and its important, especially in relationships with inlaws or future inlaws.

Best Wishes

[mrmarklin]

My daughter married a Catholic (non-practicing) and of course we have accepted her decision and treat him as part of the family now.

[todd520]

I have limited advice on the subject:

1) Do not convert to try to ease things over (certainly convert because you believe the Church is true, but not as a political move).

2) Love, love until it hurts and love them some more. Things may or may not improve at some point but anger or hate (I'm not accusing you of those things) won't help things improve. [Note, if they are abusive loving them doesn't mean being a punching bag for them].

I thought the above advice was excellent.

I know of couples where only one was a member. In one case, the husband did not convert until after 20 yrs of marriage. BUT he was very supportive of her church activities and also performed service work. I suggest you take a similar attitute and support his faith, but don't feel rushed to convert.

Edited February 8, 2011 by todd520

[tp4ever]

I haven't been in your situation but I know a little about others who have. My grandma married my grandpa despite religious differences. For years she would get their kids ready and he would take them to church. He finally got baptized when my dad was old enough to do it. Kind of the opposite happened to him. He was the only sibling in his family to join the church and they did not approve. It didn't seam to matter though. I have no doubt that my grandpa regrets his decision. He knew what he was doing was right for him.

On the flip side, I have an aunt who married and changed his lifestyle so they could be married in the temple. I don't think he REALLY wanted to change though. After having 2 kids, he returned to his old ways. I can only guess that my aunt might possibly regret her decision.

My point is, (pretty much what you have already decided) I don't think you should become a member for anyone else but you. If you do decide to be baptized, make sure you are ready. I knew someone who got baptized and then decided she wasn't ready.

As to being "accepted" by your bf's family, I wish there was something definite to tell you but there are so many factors (personality, etc.) that come into play. I don't know if any of this helps but hoping.

[bert10]

Well in history...foreign wives caused Israel to stray...one time GOD commanded Israel to put away their wives that were not of Israel. The wives of Solomon who were not of Israel caused Solomon to build them their own worshiping altars and allowed their priests to come also. This in time caused problems in Israel and it was an abomination unto God.

Now having said this....It will not be easy. If you have the Love of GOD in your heart then you will act like Ruth who adopted the people and the God of her husband and that of Naomi his mother. For GOD does place the man Spiritually and in the flesh as the head of the family. If a wife is faithful to her husband and submit to her husband if he leads her astray he is the one who is primarily responsible for her before GOD.

Love is Love and it is power. If one truly loves GOD with their heart and mind and strength they will be helped by GOD. I tell you the truth in the holy city mentioned in Revelation there is no gate that says Christian enter here. All twelve gates are named after the twelve tribes of Israel. On the gates one will find the name of the Apostle of that Gate, and the Stone representing that tribe.

If one is not adopted into the Covenant of Abraham which carry the promises concerning those things...He/she cannot enter into it nor receive any portion of those promises.

Learn to be led by the Spirit of GOD and you will be adopted into the New and Everlasting Covenant and thereby become heirs of the promises given to Abraham.

bert10

Hi

I am not LDS. I just really need some help and advice and I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. Him and his family are LDS and I am not. When we first started dating, we were 18 and his parents were very upset about it. When they found out I wasn't LDS, they tried to get him to end our relationship and his mom said some really hurtful things about me. They told him he would never be happy with me, that I would ruin his life, and that he would cause a rift in their family if he stayed with me. Obviously, it upset both of us very much.

Things were really bad for a while after that. It hurt my feelings a lot..I just didn't expect it. I've always had mormon friends and they've usually always been very warm and welcoming even though I am not in their church, so I was startled by how hostile his parents were and I didn't know what to do. They treated us very different. My bf has a brother who had an LDS girlfriend (now his wife) and they were always very sweet and approving to them, while to us they were always harsh and cold and disapproving. His brother got far more privelages with his gf than us, and they got along very well with his girlfriend while it was hard for us to even talk..

Well, after some time I guess they realized that we weren't going to be just a highschool fling and things improved. They didn't expect my boyfriend to tell me the things they had said and they felt bad when they found out that he did. After about a year they were a lot nicer to me, had me over more and got to know me better. Now it's been 2 years and I've spent lots of time with his family, I've gone to church with them tons of times and I come over for dinner and hang out and they hug me goodbye and everything, so it's a lot better, it's just...still not the same. My bf's brother and his LDS wife are still treated very differently.

I still feel bad most of the time I guess it's hard for me to forget their initial reaction. Most of the time I still feel very awkward and uncomfortable, and unwelcome at his house. I've always been very shy and most of the time I end up only talking to my Bf. It hurts because I really do love him and I love his family too, they are good people and they just wanted what they thought was best for their son and reacted too strongly I think. Even though things are better now, I still can't completely let my guard down and be myself around them. I want to be happy there, I want them to like me, and I want to be able to talk i'm just..intimidated and scared of them. I'm scared to be myself

About the LDS church..I am interested in it. Of course after dating someone in the church for this long I have thought about joining. I am very open to learning about it and a lot of the things i have learned I like. I have been to LDS church LOTS of times over the years, and I am interested and open to learn more. I went to a sacrement once and the speaker touched me so much it made me cry! But I just don't think I'm in a place to convert quite yet. I am only 20 years old, and I still want to learn more before I make that choice. I just don't think I'm at that place in my life yet. I don't believe in converting JUST to get married. I would only convert if I truly believed in the church.

Of course, I want to learn about it for potential marriage to my boyfriend. We do talk about marriage and we know we are going to marry each other. He's said he would marry me in or out of the church. My boyfriend would never ask me to convert and he never has pressured me or anything, and I would never ask him to leave his religion. We both accept each other how we are. But I know it would mean a lot to him if i did get sealed to him in the temple and was a church member with him.

So my main question is...how can I make things better now? I may convert someday, in fact I feel I most likely will convert. But until then, or if that doesn't happen...I was just hoping someone could give me some advice. I'd love an LDS perspective on this, to maybe help me understand how they are feeling more? and what I can do to make it better? How to feel like they don't resent me Do you think I could ever fit in with them? Even if I didn't convert?

I'm sorry to have written so much, hopefully someone reads this. I appreciate ANY advice at all!!

[slamjet]

Well in history...foreign wives caused Israel to stray...one time GOD commanded Israel to put away their wives that were not of Israel. The wives of Solomon who were not of Israel caused Solomon to build them their own worshiping altars and allowed their priests to come also. This in time caused problems in Israel and it was an abomination unto God.

Now having said this....It will not be easy. If you have the Love of GOD in your heart then you will act like Ruth who adopted the people and the God of her husband and that of Naomi his mother. For GOD does place the man Spiritually and in the flesh as the head of the family. If a wife is faithful to her husband and submit to her husband if he leads her astray he is the one who is primarily responsible for her before GOD.

Love is Love and it is power. If one truly loves GOD with their heart and mind and strength they will be helped by GOD. I tell you the truth in the holy city mentioned in Revelation there is no gate that says Christian enter here. All twelve gates are named after the twelve tribes of Israel. On the gates one will find the name of the Apostle of that Gate, and the Stone representing that tribe.

If one is not adopted into the Covenant of Abraham which carry the promises concerning those things...He/she cannot enter into it nor receive any portion of those promises.

Learn to be led by the Spirit of GOD and you will be adopted into the New and Everlasting Covenant and thereby become heirs of the promises given to Abraham.

bert10

:confused::confused::confused:

What in the world is this junk?

[Soulsearcher]

:confused::confused::confused:

What in the world is this junk?

Just remember what you said in an earlier post....reading this too much makes you sound like it

[slamjet]

Just remember what you said in an earlier post....reading this too much makes you sound like it

DOH!

[Soulsearcher]

DOH!

Is that you getting rid of the negative energy

[Guest]

Just remember what you said in an earlier post....reading this too much makes you sound like it

I bow to you, oh wise one... :)

[slamjet]

I bow to you, oh wise one... :)

Don't egg him on

[bert10]

I gave her history of what happened in other times with GOD and why it happened. God always commanded his people to marry the covenant people. I showed one of the dangers when one marries outside the covenanted people. Obviously this is not for you. And the information is above your pay grade. If you cannot understand what my posts are about and where they are leading up to...and what it takes to be called a Daughter of Sarah perhaps you should just read my posts instead of making rude comments.

The Stuff I give is the restoration of some of the knowledge that men and women have lost or disregarded over time. Today's men and woman have lost their way...and cannot understand why the divorce rate is so great today.

I can tell you why the divorce rate is so high even amongst LDS....it is always the same thing...it is because the people refuse to follow the right ways of GOD and reject the scriptures and instead have substituted them for the philosophies of Satan. Being of a different faith put extra stresses on the relationship and cause divisions within and adds to the divorce rate.

1 Peter 3:6 - Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Ruth I used as an example because she earned the honor of being called a daughter of Sarah.

The restoration of Roles Gender play in marriage and the authority of the man in the family is righteousness from GOD and is necessary for the proper functioning of the family.

If we count families who are dysfunctional with those who are divorced...it would be bring the total way up there.

That person deserves to know the history of a covenanted people and why GOD gave us those rules and why they still apply to us today and what it will take to make it work.

bert10

:confused::confused::confused:

What in the world is this junk?

Edited February 15, 2011 by bert10

[slamjet]

Obviously this is not for you. And the information is above your pay grade. If you cannot understand what my posts are about and where they are leading up to...and what it takes to be called a Daughter of Sarah perhaps you should just read my posts instead of making rude comments.

The Stuff I give is the restoration of some of the knowledge that men and women have lost or disregarded over time. Today's men and woman have lost their way...and cannot understand why the divorce rate is so great today.

I can tell you why the divorce rate is so high even amongst LDS....it is always the same thing...it is because the people refuse to follow the right ways of GOD and reject the scriptures and instead have substituted them for the philosophies of Satan.

1 Peter 3:6 - Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

Ruth I used as an example because she earned the honor of being called a daughter of Sarah.

The restoration of Roles Gender play in marriage and the authority of the man in the family is righteousness from GOD and is necessary for the proper functioning of the family.

If we count families who are dysfunctional with those who are divorced...it would be bring the total way up there.

bert10

Just so I understand you here, I divorced because I follow Satan.

[Soulsearcher]

I bow to you, oh wise one... :)

One of my trade mark phrases " lead on oh wise one" boy do i get some odd looks lol. Was with a friend in the mall the other night and we ended up turning down a hall and halfway down my friend asks

"where are you going?"

"I was following you oh wise one?"

"I was following you!"

"i thought you were following the guy you can't take your eyes off"

" i was only watching cause you seemed to be following him"

" on that note lets go another way, lead on oh wise one"

not our proudest moment, and no i wasn't following the guy.

[slamjet]

One of my trade mark phrases " lead on oh wise one" boy do i get some odd looks lol. Was with a friend in the mall the other night and we ended up turning down a hall and halfway down my friend asks

"where are you going?"

"I was following you oh wise one?"

"I was following you!"

"i thought you were following the guy you can't take your eyes off"

" i was only watching cause you seemed to be following him"

" on that note lets go another way, lead on oh wise one"

not our proudest moment, and no i wasn't following the guy.

oh... my... word. You are beyond weird.

[Soulsearcher]

oh... my... word. You are beyond weird.

You have no idea lol you need to ask the members here who have met me like Pammy.

[slamjet]

The Stuff I give is the restoration of some of the knowledge that men and women have lost or disregarded over time. Today's men and woman have lost their way...and cannot understand why the divorce rate is so great today.

I can tell you why the divorce rate is so high even amongst LDS....it is always the same thing...it is because the people refuse to follow the right ways of GOD and reject the scriptures and instead have substituted them for the philosophies of Satan. Being of a different faith put extra stresses on the relationship and cause divisions within and adds to the divorce rate.

I still want an answer, According to what you posted, because I am divorced, I am a follower of Satan? Yes or no?

[pam]

You are wasting your time slamjet. I asked a question of bert on a thread 3 times and NEVER got an answer. Nor will you ever get a cut and dry yes or no answer.