Update to my sister missionary story........

[g8trjasonb]

Sorry for the new posting to an old topic, but I just wanted to update everyone on my story, which I posted here: http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/37583-interested-sister-missionary-how-should-i-handle.html. Feel free to merge into the original thread if necessary.

I realize this is a sticky topic with a lot of people, but please hear me out before forming your opinion because this isn't a simple, little "crush" between two people.

Regarding this sister, she's older than the typical 22-25 year old sister missionary. She's 30. I'm 32, so we aren't kids anymore.

This sister and her companion were not transferred to another zone so they have continued to teach me the lessons. However, where a few weeks ago I said I felt an unspoken mutual attraction between the two of us....now I KNOW there is a very strong mutual attraction between the two of us, although it is still very largely unspoken, but I just know. However, I should reiterate that this sister and her companion have been nothing but completely above-board and the focus really has been on me receiving the discussions, not anything between us.

The spirit has been UNBELIEVABLY strong in my life the last several weeks as I have had a ravenous appetite for scriptures, prayer, general conference talks, mormon radio, music and anything else I can get my hands on to find inspiration and meaning to my questions, including this website.

This past fast Sunday, there was an unusually strong spirit (several other people agreed) in the chapel because of the wonderful testimonies shared by a lot of different people who recently re-activated. I also felt inspired to share my testimony, which was the first time in my adult life that this has happened. This sister also shared hers. As I implied before, the spirit is overwhelmingly strong right now and I am not confusing my feelings for her with the feelings of the spirit, however it is certainly heightening my experience to the point that I feel absolute JOY for the first time in my life!! I know it sounds crazy because I haven't known this woman for very long, but I KNOW I am going to marry her in the temple. I KNOW that God, literally, delivered her to my doorstep 2500 miles away from home after she made the correct decision to serve Him as His missionary and after I made the correct decision to truly accept the Gospel in my life. That's what is so unbelievably beautiful about this whole experience is that we met in the middle through Jesus Christ, after having come from two completely polar opposite ends of the spectrum of faith.

I won't get into details, but there have certainly been some very tangible signals sent to me from her that she is experiencing some or all of these same feelings. Nothing inappropriate but just signals that she is feeling something. Up to this point, I've played things very low-key, trying to hold back ONLY because she's still on her mission. But I have been praying fervently this week, asking God to help me understand the appropriate time and place for opening up the conversation. So far, I don't think I have an answer. I honestly don't think I can wait until after July when she is done to tell her. I don't think she wants me to either. I do know for certain that if we have this discussion, it will not impact her mission in any way, shape or form. If anything, it will further strengthen her testimony. Besides, if we let it impact her mission, I feel like it would be the equivalent of slapping God in the face after receiving such a beautiful blessing. And if I feel like that, I know she will too because I don't even yet approach the level of faith she has in the Lord. I've also got my own personal goals I need and want to take care of (Patriarchal blessing, receiving the Melchizedek priesthood and receiving my temple endowments) so I can't let this become a distraction for me either. In fact, I think it would be more of a distraction for both of us for the next 3 months if I didn't say anything.

They are coming by tonight to give me a lesson. They are also coming on Saturday with a younger couple in our ward that recently moved here and I have offered to cook dinner.

So, knowing all of this, what do you think I should do?

[Dravin]

I don't imagine the new information will change many of the answers previously given.

[g8trjasonb]

I should add that I called my parents the other night to tell them about this experience and to express how strongly I felt that I was going to marry this woman. Besides through my postings here, I haven't told anybody so I really felt the need to talk it out with someone I could trust. Both of my parents are very active members. Even my own mom was skeptical at first, but as I explained the facts, she quickly understood that what I am feeling is real and is naturally excited for me, but neither could provide an answer as to the best course of action on how to proceed.

[NeuroTypical]

this isn't a simple, little "crush" between two people.

No it isn't. It's an intensely powerful crush between two people. But crush it remains.

I am not confusing my feelings for her with the feelings of the spirit, however it is certainly heightening my experience to the point that I feel absolute JOY for the first time in my life!!

That's wonderful, and worth highlighting! We tend to gloss over the blessings of learning and accepting the gospel, but at the end of the day, JOY can be a rare thing in our human existence. So much effort is spent on ways to obtain it. I'm glad you're obtaining some.

So, knowing all of this, what do you think I should do?

I don't know about love to understand the "shoulds". In a similar situation, I could see myself asking her if we could date after her mission. Maybe writing her a letter and sending it to her after she's transferred?

LM

[beefche]

I am VERY orthodox when it comes to missionaries and rules for the mission. So take it for what you will.

I don't care if this sister MISSIONARY sky wrote her feelings, she is a missionary and it is strictly forbidden for her to date or to do anything like that. So, for you two to discuss your feelings for each other is just plain wrong while she is a missionary.

You may very well be correct that this is the woman you will marry in the temple someday. I wish you both the very best in that endeavor AFTER HER MISSION.

Please, please, please do not say anything to her. She may feel this way now about you and that may continue. But, if she breaks her promises by expresses a romantic interest in a man and continue to visit him (even if nothing inappropriate is going on), I honestly believe that someday she may regret that. Not that she would regret marrying you or loving you, but that she did not honor her promises to follow mission rules.

You want to know what to do? Call her mission president and discuss it with him. I'm positive he will have loving, wise counsel for you and her on what to do.

Edited March 10, 2011 by beefche

[rameumptom]

I agree. Prior to her leaving her mission, ask for her address so you can write her and let her know how you are doing. She'll be happy to do that. Then, after she's left, write her about your feelings, etc.

Just realize that although you have had these feelings, free agency is still involved. She may decide that she doesn't want such a relationship, for example. So, moderate your excitement, as even though we sometimes get such inspiration, things do not always work quite the way we think.

[slamjet]

You are going to HELL!!! :D

I jest. I may not agree with your feelings, but I am not you and I can at least say that I give you kudos for not interfering with her mission and having the patience to wait until after. If anything, and reading what you posted, that would be the best advice.

Edited March 10, 2011 by slamjet

[ryanh]

And this is precisely why mission rules generally prohibit teaching individuals of the opposite gender. Completely forbidden in two of the three missions I served in, and only allowed under strict rules in the third.

Jason, who are we to say what is and what isn't supposed to be? We can only offer our opinions, cautions, and experiences. But, in the end, you and this sister will have to decide what is right.

I whole-heartedly agree with Beefche's repeated plea to NOT let this "blossom" while she is on her mission. That would be a tragedy, and I think you would both regret it later on. If it truly is to be, then it will be. Waiting for a short period for her to complete her mission won't matter so much.

And, if you are so confident that your guidance and confirmation of the rightness of it is of the Spirit, then do call her mission president, and have her transferred so you two don't end up screwing it up! Even when visions and promises are given, we still can foil them with our wrong use of agency. Such is often are dependent on our faithfulness. If you are confident, then there is no issue letting her be transferred, and for her to focus on her mission, and you to focus on your conversion, and for you two to make contact later on when she is finished with her commitment to the Lord.

I have learned from a couple experiences in my life that it is all too easy to misinterpret spiritual confirmations. As an example, the Spirit could be saying to you and her "for this purpose she was called to this mission, and this area, so you two could meet". The meaning of that could be that it was for your conversion. However, in our minds and thought processes (especially when feelings of infatuation are present), it is all too easy to understand it as meaning meant to meet for the purpose of marriage.

Be very careful to avoid such misinterpretations. They are painful to figure out later on through experience rather than confirmation beforehand. Let her leave the area, let things settle down, and then seek confirmation from the Lord. Given the unusual nature of the situation, and all that is going on, it would be prudent to do so IMO.

[Jennarator]

My mom always said if they are the right person for you, they will still be right in the future. So just wait. July is not that long away. If she is right for you, she will still be right for you in jUly.

I am an RM. I had to get emergency transferred out of an area because a man told me he was in love with me. Son't put her thru that. Trust me, please. :)

[Wingnut]

I honestly don't think I can wait until after July when she is done to tell her. I don't think she wants me to either. I do know for certain that if we have this discussion, it will not impact her mission in any way, shape or form.

Maybe you feel confident about that on your end, but it would be quite inappropriate for you to put her in that position while still on her mission. You can't make that choice for her.

Besides, if we let it impact her mission, I feel like it would be the equivalent of slapping God in the face after receiving such a beautiful blessing.

You're right, so don't chance it.

I've also got my own personal goals I need and want to take care of (Patriarchal blessing, receiving the Melchizedek priesthood and receiving my temple endowments) so I can't let this become a distraction for me either.

Perfect -- focus on these things until July. You need to work to deserve her. (Note: I'm not saying that she's an angel and you're the scum of the earth. I'm agreeing with your acknowledgment that the two of you are in very different places spiritually right now. It's nice when we all feel like we've married "up," but realistically, we should be equally yoked, and right now, you're not. You don't deserve her. Yet.)

In fact, I think it would be more of a distraction for both of us for the next 3 months if I didn't say anything.

I doubt that, especially if she's transferred in the meantime.

You want to know what to do? Call her mission president and discuss it with him. I'm positive he will have loving, wise counsel for you and her on what to do.

I was thinking that as well, but I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate or not, so I'm glad to see two other people suggest it also.

I am an RM. I had to get emergency transferred out of an area because a man told me he was in love with me. Son't put her thru that. Trust me, please. :)

I was transferred nearly every time or every other time I could be. Once, I was transferred out of Area A and into Area B, only to go back to Area A after 2 months. Looking back on things, I think the reason I was transferred out in the first place was because another elder and I had become too flirty with each other on P-days. By the time I went back, he had been transferred to another area.

[Madriglace]

I am not sure why this situation has been allowed to continue, teaching a single members of the opposite sex is against the rules. I do mending for the missionaries and they never come in my home (I am single). I would never think to invite them in. We are counseld to avoid even the appearance of evil. What people see and what they say about it more often than not do not make for good.

If you love her ... ask for Elders to come teach you ... do not keep going where there is a chance of something that will ruin her mission and the feelings between you. Exchange contact info for when she goes home and BACK OFF.

This is not about the two of you this is about her service to the Lord... which should be her only focus. If this is right you will have eternity ... a few more months is nothing compared to that.

[Wingnut]

I am not sure why this situation has been allowed to continue, teaching a single members of the opposite sex is against the rules. I do mending for the missionaries and they never come in my home (I am single). I would never think to invite them in. We are counseld to avoid even the appearance of evil. What people see and what they say about it more often than not do not make for good.

You're not the only one who has mentioned this in this thread. In his previos thread on this issue, the OP clarified that the sisters never come to his home without another adult female member with them. That's what he means when he says that "everything has been above board."

[Dravin]

I am not sure why this situation has been allowed to continue, teaching a single members of the opposite sex is against the rules.

Not universally. Doing so alone (just the single opposite sexed person and the missionary companionship) would be against the missionary handbook of course but if the requirement is met that you have an member of the same sex as the missionaries present with you then you aren't in violation of the missionary handbook, at least not the version of it that was handed out when I was on my mission a few years ago. Now of course individual missions are free to tighten up that rule under the Mission President's discretion. I could be wrong, there could be a newer version of the missionary handbook that does indeed state that as a rule, in which case I'm open to correction.

[classylady]

You've gotten a lot of good advice. There isn't anything I can add, except to reiterate, don't do anything more than just give her your address, or ask for hers. Focus on getting the Melc. Priesthood, your Patriarchal Blessing, etc. July will come faster than you think.

If you phone the Mission President and advise him of your feelings, she most likely will be transferred. On my mission, when an Elder cared for me more than was appropriate, I was transferred within the week. I'd already been in the area for 6 months, and the Elder was new to the city. I hope all goes well for you. Continue strengthening your testimony.

[Guest Alana]

I do know for certain that if we have this discussion, it will not impact her mission in any way, shape or form.

Why wouldn't it? She is human, after all. Something like this would be a huge distraction. Even if you waited until she had transferred out of the area, and there was never any question about anyone doing anything about it, it would still be on her mind in a very large way. I can't see how it wouldn't be.

I think it's very important to respect that she is a missionary and doing the Lords work right now. I think that waiting until after her mission for this important discussion shows that you respect what she's doing right now and have the maturity to wait for the proper time for things.

[Dravin]

Why wouldn't it? She is human, after all.

If she reciprocates his feelings it will affect her, as you say she is human. The only way it would not affect her (beyond causing a transfer) is if she does not reciprocate his feelings. Either way the call is to hold off on a declaration.

[Guest Alana]

Good point Dravin. I'm far too trusting and just assumed she's into him, also.

[Dravin]

Good point Dravin. I'm far too trusting and just assumed she's into him, also.

Missionaries are kind and caring. They bring the spirit with them, they care for you, even love you (though not romantically). They get excited with and for you and they share your pain, sorrows and setbacks with you. They are selfless and kind. It is relatively easy to mistake this for interest, they are also safe objects for your affection. It's a recipe for mistaken signals.

I honestly don't know if we have a case of mistaken signals or not, which is why I pointed out the implication of his statement on both scenarios.

* I know, not every single one, but ideally they are.

Edited March 12, 2011 by Dravin

[beefche]

The more I think about this situation, the more concerned I get.

jason, I don't mean to attack you. And I'm not questioning your feelings or what you believe to be answers from the Spirit. But as a former sister missionary, I really feel for this sister missionary.

Something to think about: You said "Besides, if we let it impact her mission, I feel like it would be the equivalent of slapping God in the face after receiving such a beautiful blessing." Do you realize that by bringing up this topic to her, you are being disrepectful to HER as well as God? As a man, a man who professes love for this woman, you should be a caretaker for her care, comfort, and well-being. By forcing her to face this issue while on her mission, regardless of her feelings for you, you are not taking care of her or her well-being. She has made solemn promises to the Lord to serve Him and only Him during this time. She sounds like a woman who is doing a great job on her mission and who is following the mission rules to the letter. Which implies to me a woman who takes her promises seriously.

If you were to express interest in her romantically, then you are placing her in a very uncomfortable and awkward position. If she holds the same interest in you, she is already struggling with the issue--and that is something she will need to overcome as she continues to serve the Lord. But, if you present yourself to her, that struggle will surge dramatically. If she doesn't hold the same feelings for you, you are placing her in a position that she will be uncomfortable and most likely feel guilty about.

The suggestion to wait until she either gets transferred or goes home and then handing her a business card to keep in contact after her mission is a good idea. Acting on these feelings while she is on her mission is not only slapping God in the face, but also showing her that you do not respect her.

[Wingnut]

If you were to express interest in her romantically, then you are placing her in a very uncomfortable and awkward position. If she holds the same interest in you, she is already struggling with the issue--and that is something she will need to overcome as she continues to serve the Lord. But, if you present yourself to her, that struggle will surge dramatically. If she doesn't hold the same feelings for you, you are placing her in a position that she will be uncomfortable and most likely feel guilty about.

The more I think about the issue, the more another dilemma comes up as well. How exactly does Jason intend to confess his love to this sister? If everything is always above board, as he indicates (and we have no reason to doubt that), then she is always with her companion, and there is also another female member present when they are in his home. To pull her aside privately would be awkward and suspicious, but to make such a confession in the presence of others puts her (and by extension, Jason) in a very awkward position, especially if the feeling are reciprocal. Furthermore, I've seen sister missionaries make less-than-appropriate choices while on their missions regarding their love lives, and their reputation as effective missionaries were severely impacted. In fact, eight years later, if I see one particular woman's name on Facebook, my initial thought is "that's the sister who married her mission chiropractor three weeks after she went home." Some of that may just be me being judgmental, but you can't know the impact you'll have on her long-term reputation.

[g8trjasonb]

Don't worry people, I haven't said anything to her. Ironically enough though, they brought a young married couple with them to my house tonight for dinner. Turns out that this couple met while....wait for it....he was serving his mission. I about spit out my water at the table because I was the one that asked how they met.

I understand the right thing to do is to not say anything. Basically, I'm just sick of the whole situation right now. Sick of talking about it and sick of thinking about it. It sucks and the next 3 1/2 months are going to be extremely long and painful. But I get it that nothing good can come out of me bringing it up.

[Wingnut]

I understand the right thing to do is to not say anything. Basically, I'm just sick of the whole situation right now. Sick of talking about it and sick of thinking about it. It sucks and the next 3 1/2 months are going to be extremely long and painful. But I get it that nothing good can come out of me bringing it up.

It sounds like you do need to bring it up -- to the mission president. This sister staying in your area will only distract you further. The MP might not transfer her, especially if you haven't talked to her about it yet, but he might.

[slamjet]

I'm sorry but this is starting to sound like border-line obsessive. Something here doesn't seem right.

[Dravin]

I'm sorry but this is starting to sound like border-line obsessive. Something here doesn't seem right.

That's pretty much just a cynical description of infatuation isn't it?

[slamjet]

That's pretty much just a cynical description of infatuation isn't it?

Cynical? Yea, I admit to being that.