Repentance and talking to the Bishop

[zuko725]

Okay, this is going to be long but please at least skim over it, I really really need advice.

I was born and raised in the church. Growing up I really really loved church and always believed I would stay pure and clean, doing otherwise never occured to me.

When I was 13 I met a boy who I just thought the world of. (My sister was actually dating his older brother at the time, so it was kind of cool). Anyways, I really really really liked this boy and for the next few years he was the only boy I ever looked at, noticed, or cared about. When I was 16 we FINALLY kissed, something I had wanted and waited for for so long. This is where things started to go wrong.

Shortly after this "magical" kiss I let him talk me into "sleeping" with him. Having sex before marriage was something I was NEVER going to do and something I viewed as impossible. But, at the same time I was insecure because I was always viewed as "the good girl" (I was the only lds girl in my high school) and this guy played on this insecurity. Looking back on it now I realize what a jerk he was, I just wish I could have seen that at the time.

Anyways, after that my life did a 180 degree turn. Suddenly I wasn't the same, innocent girl anymore. Suddenly I no longer loved going to church, but dreaded going and only went because my parents wanted me to. I "slept" with the guy 3 more times before he graduated from high school and left for college. That was the end of that and I was left completely heart broken.

The next year was my senior year and I met and started dating a new guy. By this time church standards didn't matter to me and I slept with him too. (Only a couple times). We broke up right before I left for college.

Once I was in college I went to church once, and then decided I didn't want to go anymore. So, instead of going to church and cleaning up my act like I should have been doing, I spent my time hanging out at bars and getting drunk.

During this time I met my now husband. He didn't attend my college but was friends with my roommate and she introduced us. He actually lived about 45 min away from my college but we hit it off right away. I actually remember "knowing" that I was going to marry him by the end of our second date. Something about him just felt right.

Anyways, I ended up staying over at his house every weekend (and yes, sleeping together). That summer I moved out of my parents house to live with him. (My parents house was 3 hours away from his). I spent the next 2 years living with him, drinking and pretty much not thinking or caring about church.

We then got engaged and are now married.

A few months ago (May to be exact) I decided I need to go back to church. I realized that what I had done was wrong and that I needed the church in my life again. So I found the ward closest to where I live and absolutely love it there. Everyone in the ward has been so friendly and helpful and I am so thankful for them.

My husband investigated the church for a little while but lost interest (which is a whole other story).

I feel happier now than I have in a long time. I have repaired my relationship with my parents and my heart breaks knowing the pain I must have caused them with my actions.

I also no longer feel like the same person I was when I was inactive. I have changed my sinful ways and I have no idea why I did the things I did and would give anything to take it all back. I wish so badly that I could go back in time and stick to my values and not let anyone talk me into something I knew was wrong.

There really are no words for how sorry I am for the things I've done. There hasn't been a day that has gone by in the last two months where I haven't sat down and cried because of what I've done.

My problem now is, How do I talk to my bishop about this? I would really like to be temple worthy again and become worthy of the wonderful blessings I know are in store for me.

As I mentioned earlier, I am at a new ward and don't know my bishop very well and talking about this seems like it would be very awkward. I also don't think I will be able to get through talking to him without crying and I am really embarrased about talking about this stuff. However, I am more than willing to do what it takes to be completely forgiven.

Another thing, how much do I need to tell him? Does he need to know about the guys I slept with before my husband? Or does he just need to know about me living with my husband before we were married? Do I also need to tell him about the drinking I used to do?

The sins I've committed will never be committed again, I am now married and would never cheat and I can't stomach the thought of touching another alcoholic drink and I feel like my complete character and thought process has changed, I'm no longer the same party girl I was a year or two ago and I never will be again. So I'm really not sure how much my bishop needs to know.

I'm sorry for such a long post but I really really need advice on this situation. I feel like my heart is completely broken and I just want to stop hurting.

[Vort]

Take heart. Your bishop has likely heard many such stories, some much worse. Just go tell him what you've written here and listen for his advice. Cry if you feel like crying; the bishop has lots of tissues you can use. He will help you to get where you want to go. That is his duty -- to help people come unto Christ.

[Jennarator]

I second Vort's response.

The bishop cares, seriously, I have never met one that didn't. He has seen it and heard it before. He is there to help. He wants your guilt to go away. Don't feel bad if you cry. Don't feel bad if you can't spit it all out at once. Tell him what you can, then tell him there is more and make another appointment if need be. Chances are, once you get there and start, it will all come out into the open. Just keep in mind this is part of the process to bring you happiness, not more guilt. That guilt will go when true repentance happens.

Good Luck, we are pulling for you, and here for support and a gentle nudge to move foreward. :)

[RMGuy]

Vort and I seem to disagree on a lot of things. Not on this one. Follow Vort's advice. If it is bothering you, there is probably a reason. If you think you should talk to the bishop, you probably should. And like Vort says, he has heard worse. Believe me! The fact that you are happily married and have made changes in your life on your own speak volumes about the real you. Go see him. You'll feel better.

-RM

[Backroads]

The bishop has heard it all.

Think of him as a counselor... which, in a way, he is. Think how wonderful it will be to just say all this stuff and be on your way to being done with it!

[JudoMinja]

I have been through something similar myself. Big difference was the Bishop I had to confess to was someone I knew. I don't know if that made it harder or easier... but I do know this-

He needs to know everything you did. Confession is part of the reason you are going to him. Your sins need to be confessed. I suggest printing off what you've written here and taking it with you. Also, it might be a good idea to make a list for yourself of everything you are confessing so you don't forget something on that first visit.

It was very nerve-wracking for me my first appointment. I opted to just stick with telling him the facts of what I'd done wrong first and then working from there. I didn't go into any of the details; I just told him exactly what I'd done and the order it had progressed in. We then started immediately on my repentance process. He never asked me for details. He never asked me why or had me explain. Anything further than that initial confession was something I brought up on my own. He was only concerned about working on my repentance.

It's okay if you cry. I think, for appointments like this, Bishops expect you to cry. It is very emotional and very personal. You are trusting him with the most intimate part of your soul, and expecting him to help you get yourself back on the straight and narrow. He might be concerned if you DIDN'T cry. Just know that he cares very much about the welfare of your soul, and he will keep your confidence. I'm am sure there are others in the ward he has had to work with. He will know what to do to help you overcome your feelings of shame and guilt so that you can stand clean before the Lord again. Good luck! :) *hugs*

[prophetofdoom]

Tell the bishop everything you just mentioned in your post. He is there to help you on your road to repentance... not punish you. Start praying to our Heavenly Father and let him know of your desire to repent. He is so willing to forgive his errant children that come to him. Call the executive secretary of the ward you live in and ask if you can make an appointment to see the Bishop.

The Bishop will surely welcome you with open arms. You will likely feel the calm reassurance of the Spirit as you enter the Bishop's office and confess your sins. Once you start the confession... you will feel the burden beginning to be lifted off your shoulders. You will also feel more comfortable with telling the Bishop more details. The key is breaking through that ice of embarrassment and fear. Don't feel that you have to get everything out all at once. The Bishop will likely want to meet with you more and work with you on the road to repentance and forgiveness from the Lord.

Grab on to those rays of hope entering your life right now. The Lord is prompting you through his Spirit to do the right thing. He wants you to come to him.

[zuko725]

Thanks everyone. I'm already starting to feel a little better. It also makes me feel better knowing that others have been where I am now.

I didn't realize I needed to call ahead and set up an appointment, thank you for informing me of that!

Another question: Would I be allowed to bring my husband with me?

He isn't a member and doesn't go to church with me anymore, but if I wanted to have him with me for this he would be there. I just want to know if that is something that would be ok? And with him not being a member is this something he should not witness? He already knows of the things I've done so it's not like there are any secrets. I would just really like to have him there for support. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to ask him to come with me, but if I do, would that be ok?

And another thing, I know every situation and person is different but if my bishop puts me on probation or something would I no longer get to go visiting teaching? I was recently assigned a companion and a person to visit and we've already gone once and I really enjoyed it. We are planning something again for this week and I really don't want to lose this. Of course I am willing to do whatever is necessary, but I'd like to get an idea ahead of tim if I should prepare myself for no longer being a visiting teacher.

Thanks again for the responses, I really do appreciate it.

[prophetofdoom]

zuko,

You don't necessarily have to call ahead to see the Bishop. You can approach the Bishop and ask him directly if you can see him. You can do it either way. Sometimes, people have the secretary set an appointment and other times people go to the Bishop directly. The Bishop is there to help you.

Remember that repentance is a process. Sometimes, it isn't a confess and your done thing. BUT, you never know what the Spirit will tell the Bishop. I have seen some miracles in my time.

[beefche]

First, it is better to schedule an appointment with the bishop. The bishop has a job and family as well, and it is difficult for him to postpone his other appointments to accomodate someone who just approached him to talk. Please have the courtesy to schedule this time. That way neither of you feel rushed and you'll have all the time you need. When you call to make an appt, you don't need to tell the secretary anything more than "I need to meet with the bishop and it may take a little time." That way he knows how much time to schedule.

Second, yes, you can take your husband. In fact, I'm willing to guess that the bishop would love for your husband to be a part of this--however much he can/wants to be involved. So, if you ask your husband to attend with you, he can be with you and the bishop and the bishop can counsel both of you on this process.

Finally, if you are placed on some sort of discipline (such as probation or disfellowship or some other), there will be restrictions (usually things such as giving public prayers). So, you may not necessarily be restricted from being a visiting teacher, but you may be restricted from praying publically while serving as a VT. And that's no big deal. Again, you don't need to say anything more to your companion than "I would like it if you said all the prayers." If she pushes or tries to convince you to not be shy (generally people are too shy to offer public prayers), you can then say, "Thank you. But, please know I have my reasons. I am asking that you say all prayers."

Good luck.

[JudoMinja]

I second everything Beefche said :).

An appointment is much better than just approaching him to talk. While you can do this, you will feel less rushed, more prepared, and more at ease if you make an appointment. It is also better for him, as he has many responsibilities to take up his time. This will guarantee that he is focused on you for the time you are talking to him.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband being there. It is totally up to you whether this will be a help or not. Some prefer absolute privacy when making confessions, while others really benefit from having the extra support. It's your call.

And there is no way to know exactly what restrictions you will be given, as every case is unique. No visiting teaching is a possibility, but not necessarily going to happen. It all depends on what the bishop feels is best for your particular situation. At the very list, I think you can expect to be asked to not partake of the sacrament or offer public prayers. This, to me, seems to be the bear minimum for disciplinary measures- unless you don't get put on any kind of discipline at all, which is unlikely but also a possibility.

[FunkyTown]

The bishop has heard it all.

Think of him as a counselor... which, in a way, he is. Think how wonderful it will be to just say all this stuff and be on your way to being done with it!

How about, "My head's made of vanilla pudding. Don't believe me? Have a lick."

I'm pretty sure he's never heard that one.

[Vort]

How about, "My head's made of vanilla pudding. Don't believe me? Have a lick."

I'm pretty sure he's never heard that one.

Ah, yes, a variation of the classic "popsicle-head" comment. I don't know how many times I've been invited to lick someone's head, and I'm not even a bishop. Pudding or pudding-pops are a common variant, though the vanilla part is new.

[Jennarator]

I think I would take my husband for support, too. I would also try to make the appointment.