Appropriate Contact with Bishop?

[Anon16]

Hi All,

You have given me good advice, and some of you have been in this spot, on both sides. I would like to ask, what is the appropriate amount of contact with a Bishop?

I've been working with him for 7 months, the reason is in another topic. For 4-5 of those 7 months, I reported to him every day using text. I was the president of my Mia Maid class during that period, and also sent him a weekly report using email about my class.

I would occasionally ask him questions, and he would generally answer them. We started meeting every 2-3 weeks the end of July, and I stopped reporting a few months after that. I would text weekly, or if I had an issue, and I am still doing that, only it's just when I have an issue.

I've occasionally asked him questions, and I have sent him several emails related to why I'm working with him. The past month we have been emailing about my going to counselling - and taking the sacrament again.

As far as I am aware, my Bishop has not crossed any lines, as it relates to content and I've worked hard at not doing that myself. My dad is uncomfortable about my communication with my Bishop. I am now only communicating with my Bishop when he starts it, before I didn't always, and I was a pest, I will admit that. He has been fairly patient, or ignores the emails..

My Dad has an issue with the Bishop, because I've been working with the Bishop for 7 months(there are other reasons but this is the most prevalent) and he feels his methods are ineffective.

My opinion is that I wasn't putting as much effort in as I could, and that is why it's taking so long. He wants me to be done with my Bishop soon.

Your thoughts are appreciated, I'd like to understand, so I can either tell my Dad to back off, or my Bishop, or set some guidelines. I'm 16 and female, if that helps.

Thank you

[Dravin]

I can see other issues kinda confuse the issue though such as him disliking his daughter counseling with a grown man on the subject of masturbation, or frustration that you aren't 'over' things yet?

While you'll need to keep in touch with your Bishop as far as worthiness goes nothing prevents you from making use of an alternative program or methods (assuming of course they are in harmony with the Gospel). For instance, you could go to an addiction recovery group and only keep in contact with your Bishop on a progress update basis (Still working on it, or the class is helping, I've gone X weeks now) instead of a more in depth counseling. If it really is that he feels the Bishop isn't effective in his methods ask him, in all sincerity not as snark, what he recommends.

Edited November 18, 2011 by Dravin

[Anon16]

He wants me to be done because he feels that I "am done" and that I need to start taking the sacrament again, as it isn't doing any good not taking it. I have told him it isn't his place, it's the Bishops, but he said that he has higher stewardship. Is that true, as he is my Dad? I would say actually it's a combination of both. He doesn't care for the Bishop at this point, because the Bishop talked to him about something else, and he is annoyed. It also doesn't help that my Bishop is well off and put together.

[Dravin]

1) Stewardship over members worthiness to partake of the Sacrament is the Bishop's.

2) Sounds like he needs to discuss his concerns with the Bishop, or if he feels it necessary the Stake President.

[Windseeker]

Your Dad is the higher authority when it comes to things that pertain to you and your family. But when it comes to your worthiness it's up to the Bishop. I have also worked with my own son on worthiness issues and have been irritated by how long the Bishop has taken to reinstant the sacrament. I remember my father being the same way about my younger Brother. While ultimately it's on your head if you take the sacrament unworthily, it also partly lies on the Bishop since he is now aware of the situation.

My own opinion, If I was your Father I would be also be looking to scale back the discussions with the Bishop and trying to find you some counseling (female) to help you overcome the problem. It's got to be hard to come by, I'm sure most counselors would tell you there is nothing wrong. Where is your Mom in all this? I applaud your relationship with your Father, but that must be difficult for both of you. I have girls and well, I would prefer my wife to handle those things.

I wish you the best, and don't get wrapped up in discouragement.

[JudoMinja]

It sounds like your father does not quite understand the repentance process. He is not the one who knows or can determine when you are "done". That is something that is very personal and really is up to YOU. Not your father, or even your Bishop. You will know when you are "done" and ready to move on.

Because this is still a struggle for you, it is still necessary to meet with your Bishop. Maybe you don't need to call or email him... I never did mine when going through the same thing. But you should at the very least have regular meetings with him where you discuss your progress and brainstorm ideas that might help you do better. And your bishop can share with you scriptures, spiritual thoughts, or "homework" that he feels will help you come closer to the completion of your repentance process.

I think it would be a good idea to have a heart-felt talk with your dad about how much of a struggle this has been and still is for you. If you are comfortable sharing this with him, explain what you've explained to us about your difficulty finding the desire to overcome and the anxiety that leaves you susceptible to the temptation. Ask him, sincerely, if he has any ideas of how he could help you. Your father sounds a bit like mine, with some prideful stubborness issues, but whenever I share with him something truly heart-felt and important to me, I think it helps him more than it does me. Because he sees that I love and admire him, that I want and need his help, and that I trust him with that personal information. The conversation may help soften your fathers heart and give him a better understanding of what you are going through.

[MarginOfError]

When I need to communicate with boy scouts electronically, I do so either over facebook, so what I write is visible to others, or I send them an e-mail and copy either their parents or another scout leader. I am careful never to have communication with a youth without involving another adult. Most of my communications are benign ("Hey, don't forget to make your flyer."), but I do it to establish a habit in case I run into something not so benign.

I'd recommend something similar to your bishop. He could copy one of your parents on your e-mails, or copy the stake president. I'd recommend it even more strongly when the communications are about this topic. It just protects your bishop in case someone makes claims of impropriety.

As for your dad, if he's going to have problems with the bishop, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. What you can do is be honest. If you feel you are being treated fairly and that you feel good about your repentance process, that's all that matters. He can disagree all he wants, but at the end of the day, it's your relationship with the Savior that needs to be considered. Feel free to remind him of that.

[sister_in_faith]

Whenever a young girl is talking to an adult man a lot, things CAN get sticky, and bear watching. If the communications are on topic and they are helping, I would say that you could never have too much! You want to kind of sooth your father, so that he and the bishop can play nice together. They are the two that should be fighting the hardest for your welbeing (with your mom of course). I think that you should keep up the contact, and let the bishop know that your father thinks you should be taking sacrament. Honesty in everything!

Good luck girl! I'm routing for you!!!

[Juan_P]

Hi All,

You have given me good advice, and some of you have been in this spot, on both sides. I would like to ask, what is the appropriate amount of contact with a Bishop?

.................

My Dad has an issue with the Bishop, because I've been working with the Bishop for 7 months(there are other reasons but this is the most prevalent) and he feels his methods are ineffective.

My opinion is that I wasn't putting as much effort in as I could, and that is why it's taking so long. He wants me to be done with my Bishop soon.

Your thoughts are appreciated, I'd like to understand, so I can either tell my Dad to back off, or my Bishop, or set some guidelines. I'm 16 and female, if that helps.

Thank you

If you were my daughter I would also have issues with this and I would go as far as telling the bishop to back off, to talk to me first and then I'll talk to you.

I think his methods are totally inappropriate and I would never have conducted things that way with a teen in my ward.

[Suzie]

Hi All,

You have given me good advice, and some of you have been in this spot, on both sides. I would like to ask, what is the appropriate amount of contact with a Bishop?

I've been working with him for 7 months, the reason is in another topic. For 4-5 of those 7 months, I reported to him every day using text. I was the president of my Mia Maid class during that period, and also sent him a weekly report using email about my class.

I would occasionally ask him questions, and he would generally answer them. We started meeting every 2-3 weeks the end of July, and I stopped reporting a few months after that. I would text weekly, or if I had an issue, and I am still doing that, only it's just when I have an issue.

I've occasionally asked him questions, and I have sent him several emails related to why I'm working with him. The past month we have been emailing about my going to counselling - and taking the sacrament again.

As far as I am aware, my Bishop has not crossed any lines, as it relates to content and I've worked hard at not doing that myself. My dad is uncomfortable about my communication with my Bishop. I am now only communicating with my Bishop when he starts it, before I didn't always, and I was a pest, I will admit that. He has been fairly patient, or ignores the emails..

My Dad has an issue with the Bishop, because I've been working with the Bishop for 7 months(there are other reasons but this is the most prevalent) and he feels his methods are ineffective.

My opinion is that I wasn't putting as much effort in as I could, and that is why it's taking so long. He wants me to be done with my Bishop soon.

Your thoughts are appreciated, I'd like to understand, so I can either tell my Dad to back off, or my Bishop, or set some guidelines. I'm 16 and female, if that helps.

Thank you

Hmmmm sorry but there is something that just doesn't sound right, not sure what it is.

[Juan_P]

Hi All,

You have given me good advice, and some of you have been in this spot, on both sides. I would like to ask, what is the appropriate amount of contact with a Bishop?

.................

My Dad has an issue with the Bishop, because I've been working with the Bishop for 7 months(there are other reasons but this is the most prevalent) and he feels his methods are ineffective.

My opinion is that I wasn't putting as much effort in as I could, and that is why it's taking so long. He wants me to be done with my Bishop soon.

Your thoughts are appreciated, I'd like to understand, so I can either tell my Dad to back off, or my Bishop, or set some guidelines. I'm 16 and female, if that helps.

Thank you

If you were my daughter I would also have issues with this and I would go as far as telling the bishop to back off, to talk to me first and then I'll talk to you.

I think his methods are totally inappropriate and I would never have conducted things that way with a teen in my ward.

[pam]

If you were my daughter I would also have issues with this and I would go as far as telling the bishop to back off, to talk to me first and then I'll talk to you.

I think his methods are totally inappropriate and I would never have conducted things that way with a teen in my ward.

Then again we are only getting one side of the story. Don't be quick to judge the Bishop.

[quadanar]

There's two ways to look at the particular situation. The first is your Bishop is attempting to be a good mentor to you as so far it sounds like he is the closest friend you've confided the most in. The second part is propriety in leadership associations between gender and youth. In this case I feel the propriety trumps the mentorship and you should include at least another leader in your associations ... have you considered confiding in your laurel leader?

Way One

As someone who has been in very similar shoes (problems with masturbation and a personalized form of pornography in books and my own imagination since I was 14), and just overcoming it (I put my mission papers in at the end of this month after a 10 year struggle), I would like to share a few viewpoints. Talking to your bishop isn't bad. I've talked to a bishop every two weeks for years about my own issues. I saw an LDSFS counselor twice before attending a handful of PASG meetings off and on for three years. Five bishops (singles ward...) have all had similar standards: 3 to 6 months of being completely clean before full reinstatement (whether that means doing priesthood ordinances, public prayers, callings or taking the sacrament varies here). On a personal level, I started taking the sacrament after a month of being "sober," then helped prepare the sacrament at 2 months, and finally started passing/blessing after 3 months.

The LDSFS counselor I talked to told me this flat out, before we started: He was there to help me be copasetic with my life. If I was happy sinning, then good. He wasn't there to force change on me, just offer the tools to do so. The greatest tools he offered was a concrete perspective on masturbation - a drug that works 100% of the time with little visible side effects, and addiction - what it is, how bad it can be relative to where I stood, and how to overcome it. The first visit he got to know me, my view of my family, and what I wanted to accomplish in therapy (I hate therapists and wanted to stop masturbating). The second visit he talked me through identifying triggers and steps that lead up to it - in essence most addicts go through a ritual before acting out, and if you can identify and catch your own sequence early enough, you can change your pattern. The best advice he told me was to look myself in the mirror every day and tell myself 3 positive things about myself. It felt completely off topic, but it did a world of good. Seeing the good in yourself helps you see blessings, gives you an eye single to glory, invites the spirit, and teaches you charity toward yourself and others.

After that, since I had all the literature and his whole bag of tricks (where a rubberband or hair tie as a bracelet and snap it if you're feeling ansy, get angry at yourself and be verbal, get up and get a glass of water, pray, sing songs, etc...), I chose to go to group meetings (they're free...). There they talk about emotional support. What struck me most was to see the gradient of recovering addicts there are in the world: people who can't go a few hours without acting out, to people who'd been sober for 20 years but still came to meetings every week. I learned that emotional stability in life is just as important as physical, spiritual or mental stability. I never worked through all the 12 steps myself as I decided I wasn't truly "addicted." I was caught in a heavy chain of transgression and needed help to get out of it. Telling myself I was addicted made me feel helpless and give up on trying to recover just as a badly as thinking I wasn't sinning at all.

What did help was hearing peoples stories of their struggles and ways they overcame temptation, realizing I wasn't the only one with these thoughts and emotions, being able to ask questions, and most of all sharing my own problems in an honest environment where I wouldn't lie or minimize what I'd done (to myself or others). Typically in Group you'll find one or a few people whom you come to rely on for guidance and support, your mentor. Its normal to call your mentor in the middle of the night when you're having problems, or texting them with reports every day. Mentors are an integral part of addiction recovery, and it sounds like that's what your bishop is trying to be. Having your mentor also be your judge in Israel can be helpful and hurtful. Helpful in that he understands your particular trials better than anyone, hurtful in that he may be to close to the situation to be a judge of worthiness (IMO).

Way Two

On the flip side of that is a solid set of rules in the Church Handbook on conduct and propriety. Bishops will never interview a woman unless another bishopric member is sitting within a few yards of his office (... close enough to hear screaming, I suppose ...). Just like tithing envelopes are never opened without two people present, and missionaries are never alone. The Church has fairly specific rules when it comes to interacting across gender, and those rules are not to be taken lightly or bent. I know EFY conselors, even though they make very close friendships with their EFY kids, are told not to become friends over Facebook, or contact them outside written letters after EFY. In my opinion (IMO), I think you should continue to meet with your bishop every 2-3 weeks for 15 minutes, take the sacrament when you feel ready (bring it up with your bishop, "I think I'm ready to take the sacrament again."), but stop texting him and limit your emails to church calling specifics only. Your dad can be a great resource if you feel like confiding in him, but if not, think of someone who you can talk to (female preferably) and ask if you can text/call them when you're having trouble. I promise you that they will not look down on you, they will be elated to help. I remember the hardest thing for me was not only learning to accept help from others, but directing it as well. The question "How can I help?" is daunting to someone in recovery - how can I tell you how to help me when I can't even help myself? ... but it will work out as you're upfront and commited to change and relying on their help.

Extra

Sorry for the long winded post, I've read the backlog of your topics and thought I could bring a few insights.

More about myself, What made me overcome this last time was commitment. I understand masturbation, its effect, why I did it, when, how, all that. What I've come to realize is the spiritual toll its taken, the emotional effect it has on me (I'm noticeably MORE depressed on days I've acted out to the point where people have asked if I'm Bipolar), and the hurt it causes others in unseen, cascading ways. I didn't necessarily have a desire in my heart to stop, but I wanted to in my mind and spirit. I fully committed myself to doing whatever it takes to stop, whether that meant confiding in my roommate and waking him up in the middle of the night as needed; sleeping on the floor every night; moving back with my parents for a few months; or telling every person who's asked why I haven't been on a mission yet (that's all happened btw). The important part of it though: as I tried to stop, the Lord stepped in and gave me the desire to change. As I prayed for the desire, it came, until now I shudder at the very thought of acting out (literally, I shake and people ask what's wrong). Change is possible, if you're committed.

When all is said and done, no matter the route your recovery goes, whether through groups, counseling, or private study. It all boils down to applying the atonement in our lives on a daily basis. As the sacrament prayers say, we have three things to worry about: take His name upon us, always remember Him, and keep His commandments. If we do that, we'll always have His spirit to be with us. I know from experience that if the spirit is with me, the desire to masturbate is not. And keeping His commandments is as simple as remembering Him and taking His name upon me - meaning that I place the Lords will ahead of my own and consciously think "What does the Lord want me to do?" every morning. Which invariably leads to praying sincerely for an answer (as well as reporting to the Lord how my night went, thanking him for help, and asking for help in the day) and reading scriptures. That's why the primary answers (read, pray, ponder...) work, is because they put the Lord forefront in your mind and help you fulfill the covenants we make at Baptism.

Well, that's my thoughts/testimony. Sorry again for the long speech and pseudo-hijack of the topic. I wanted to respond to the other topics and felt it best to do so in one single post. I don't think your doing anything wrong in talking/listening to your bishop, and your bishop sounds like he's trying his best. I think your dad is trying his best too, and just wants to help any way he can. I don't think you're a full addict either. Don't get yourself down, but talk to others who you're close with and try to branch out to built a support network that you can rely on for help in overcoming this. Just the act of telling someone your struggling with thoughts is usually enough to make them go away.

[Anon16]

Hmmmm sorry but there is something that just doesn't sound right, not sure what it is.

On my conduct or his?

[Anon16]

My part is in bold..

There's two ways to look at the particular situation. The first is your Bishop is attempting to be a good mentor to you as so far it sounds like he is the closest friend you've confided the most in. The second part is propriety in leadership associations between gender and youth. In this case I feel the propriety trumps the mentorship and you should include at least another leader in your associations ... have you considered confiding in your laurel leader?

I did actually, just telling her that I was working with the Bishop, but she was released yesterday and I don't know the new one well, and at this point don't want to bother her.

Yes, he is. He's really been the only one I've talked to about this, barring 3 friends - one I just let her know, 2, we discussed it a bit, she has the issue as well but is not interested in repenting, and then the other who is kind of mentorish who had a bigger problem and was disfellowshipped. I am seeing a counselor on Friday, but it's not something I want to do long term as it costs 120 a session, and my family cannot afford many sessions. I only want to do one session. The biggest reason my Bishop suggested it is because I told him I have been suicidal, and my relationship with my dad isn't the best.

He also, I am sure gets very tired of hearing from me. I agree about stopping texting him, I no longer have a calling, so I don't have a reason to interact with him really. I'm meeting with him tomorrow night, but after that I am figuring it'll be several weeks/months before I meet with him again.

I don't know if he has ever had this problem, and I don't really want to know. He's a convert, and has said he didn't really have a lot of rules growing up, so potentially he did.

My biggest problem is the pressure my dad is putting on me.

Way One

As someone who has been in very similar shoes (problems with masturbation and a personalized form of pornography in books and my own imagination since I was 14), and just overcoming it (I put my mission papers in at the end of this month after a 10 year struggle), I would like to share a few viewpoints. Talking to your bishop isn't bad. I've talked to a bishop every two weeks for years about my own issues. I saw an LDSFS counselor twice before attending a handful of PASG meetings off and on for three years. Five bishops (singles ward...) have all had similar standards: 3 to 6 months of being completely clean before full reinstatement (whether that means doing priesthood ordinances, public prayers, callings or taking the sacrament varies here). On a personal level, I started taking the sacrament after a month of being "sober," then helped prepare the sacrament at 2 months, and finally started passing/blessing after 3 months.

The LDSFS counselor I talked to told me this flat out, before we started: He was there to help me be copasetic with my life. If I was happy sinning, then good. He wasn't there to force change on me, just offer the tools to do so. The greatest tools he offered was a concrete perspective on masturbation - a drug that works 100% of the time with little visible side effects, and addiction - what it is, how bad it can be relative to where I stood, and how to overcome it. The first visit he got to know me, my view of my family, and what I wanted to accomplish in therapy (I hate therapists and wanted to stop masturbating). The second visit he talked me through identifying triggers and steps that lead up to it - in essence most addicts go through a ritual before acting out, and if you can identify and catch your own sequence early enough, you can change your pattern. The best advice he told me was to look myself in the mirror every day and tell myself 3 positive things about myself. It felt completely off topic, but it did a world of good. Seeing the good in yourself helps you see blessings, gives you an eye single to glory, invites the spirit, and teaches you charity toward yourself and others.

After that, since I had all the literature and his whole bag of tricks (where a rubberband or hair tie as a bracelet and snap it if you're feeling ansy, get angry at yourself and be verbal, get up and get a glass of water, pray, sing songs, etc...), I chose to go to group meetings (they're free...). There they talk about emotional support. What struck me most was to see the gradient of recovering addicts there are in the world: people who can't go a few hours without acting out, to people who'd been sober for 20 years but still came to meetings every week. I learned that emotional stability in life is just as important as physical, spiritual or mental stability. I never worked through all the 12 steps myself as I decided I wasn't truly "addicted." I was caught in a heavy chain of transgression and needed help to get out of it. Telling myself I was addicted made me feel helpless and give up on trying to recover just as a badly as thinking I wasn't sinning at all.

What did help was hearing peoples stories of their struggles and ways they overcame temptation, realizing I wasn't the only one with these thoughts and emotions, being able to ask questions, and most of all sharing my own problems in an honest environment where I wouldn't lie or minimize what I'd done (to myself or others). Typically in Group you'll find one or a few people whom you come to rely on for guidance and support, your mentor. Its normal to call your mentor in the middle of the night when you're having problems, or texting them with reports every day. Mentors are an integral part of addiction recovery, and it sounds like that's what your bishop is trying to be. Having your mentor also be your judge in Israel can be helpful and hurtful. Helpful in that he understands your particular trials better than anyone, hurtful in that he may be to close to the situation to be a judge of worthiness (IMO).

Not quite sure what exactly you mean by him being too close to be a judge of worthiness? He is a new Bishop, as I've said several times, and he is the type of person that tries to do everything, and he is only now pulling back and delegating, after 9 months of being bishop.

I'm working at doing that. I'm fairly standoffish a lot, and that doesn't help much. I have several friends that I can call and talk to, two of the three I mentioned.

You make a lot of good points. One person who is an addict said to me that the difference was you can't say no. I would say, in the whole time of my having an issue with this, that there's been one time that I couldn't control myself, all the rest of the times I made a conscious choice.

I am and can be a very intense person, and that's part of my issue. I write huge long things like this, or like what you wrote, and can do that quite often. I would in some senses call myself needy, I'm sure that's how the bishop views me, and I'm working at not being so.

Way Two

On the flip side of that is a solid set of rules in the Church Handbook on conduct and propriety. Bishops will never interview a woman unless another bishopric member is sitting within a few yards of his office (... close enough to hear screaming, I suppose ...). Just like tithing envelopes are never opened without two people present, and missionaries are never alone. The Church has fairly specific rules when it comes to interacting across gender, and those rules are not to be taken lightly or bent. I know EFY conselors, even though they make very close friendships with their EFY kids, are told not to become friends over Facebook, or contact them outside written letters after EFY. In my opinion (IMO), I think you should continue to meet with your bishop every 2-3 weeks for 15 minutes, take the sacrament when you feel ready (bring it up with your bishop, "I think I'm ready to take the sacrament again."), but stop texting him and limit your emails to church calling specifics only. Your dad can be a great resource if you feel like confiding in him, but if not, think of someone who you can talk to (female preferably) and ask if you can text/call them when you're having trouble. I promise you that they will not look down on you, they will be elated to help. I remember the hardest thing for me was not only learning to accept help from others, but directing it as well. The question "How can I help?" is daunting to someone in recovery - how can I tell you how to help me when I can't even help myself? ... but it will work out as you're upfront and commited to change and relying on their help.

Extra

Sorry for the long winded post, I've read the backlog of your topics and thought I could bring a few insights.

More about myself, What made me overcome this last time was commitment. I understand masturbation, its effect, why I did it, when, how, all that. What I've come to realize is the spiritual toll its taken, the emotional effect it has on me (I'm noticeably MORE depressed on days I've acted out to the point where people have asked if I'm Bipolar), and the hurt it causes others in unseen, cascading ways. I didn't necessarily have a desire in my heart to stop, but I wanted to in my mind and spirit. I fully committed myself to doing whatever it takes to stop, whether that meant confiding in my roommate and waking him up in the middle of the night as needed; sleeping on the floor every night; moving back with my parents for a few months; or telling every person who's asked why I haven't been on a mission yet (that's all happened btw). The important part of it though: as I tried to stop, the Lord stepped in and gave me the desire to change. As I prayed for the desire, it came, until now I shudder at the very thought of acting out (literally, I shake and people ask what's wrong). Change is possible, if you're committed.

When all is said and done, no matter the route your recovery goes, whether through groups, counseling, or private study. It all boils down to applying the atonement in our lives on a daily basis. As the sacrament prayers say, we have three things to worry about: take His name upon us, always remember Him, and keep His commandments. If we do that, we'll always have His spirit to be with us. I know from experience that if the spirit is with me, the desire to masturbate is not. And keeping His commandments is as simple as remembering Him and taking His name upon me - meaning that I place the Lords will ahead of my own and consciously think "What does the Lord want me to do?" every morning. Which invariably leads to praying sincerely for an answer (as well as reporting to the Lord how my night went, thanking him for help, and asking for help in the day) and reading scriptures. That's why the primary answers (read, pray, ponder...) work, is because they put the Lord forefront in your mind and help you fulfill the covenants we make at Baptism.

Well, that's my thoughts/testimony. Sorry again for the long speech and pseudo-hijack of the topic. I wanted to respond to the other topics and felt it best to do so in one single post. I don't think your doing anything wrong in talking/listening to your bishop, and your bishop sounds like he's trying his best. I think your dad is trying his best too, and just wants to help any way he can. I don't think you're a full addict either. Don't get yourself down, but talk to others who you're close with and try to branch out to built a support network that you can rely on for help in overcoming this. Just the act of telling someone your struggling with thoughts is usually enough to make them go away.

I am working at having the right attitude and making the right choice. I am not good at self control, and this shows it a lot. I've been doing some blogging on LDSAR and that helps, generally by the time I'm done writing something the temptation isn't near as bad.

I appreciate your long post, and I don't consider it hi-jacking at all.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Anon16
Not clear on what was my post

[Anon16]

Then again we are only getting one side of the story. Don't be quick to judge the Bishop.

This is more my Dad's concern then mine. I've initiated a lot of the contact, and he has been nice enough to respond.

[ChooseTheSun]

To me, a 16 year old routinely and persistently texting to any adult male about sexual issues is high risk and inappropriate, especially if the communication is over the objections of the father and mental health/suicidal issues are involved. A psychiatric counselor, with strong boundary ethics, is appropriate for such severe and chronic problems. I hope the adults in your life hold firm to limit setting and redirection to professionals.

[Anon16]

Choose The Sun,

Actually, we never discuss my problem much, but more the repentance process, and questions related to that, or meeting times, or things like that. I'm really working on not depending on him as much as I have.

The only time we have discussed it was when I told him, and he started working with me. He tried to get an understanding of if it was stress, etc. I reported to him on a daily basis for months, then weekly, and now not really, though I do let him know if I have an issue(no details whatsoever)

And, it's not. I talked about suicide 1 time, he got concerned and we had an email conversation about it. I am seeing a counselor starting next week. And my Dad, I think the best way to put it is that he has backed off a bit, and I'm not having as much contact with the Bishop as I did before.

I'd not considered there being issues with him doing this, and I want to get all of your opinions. I think in a lot of ways he learned on me.

[Vort]

To me, a 16 year old routinely and persistently texting to any adult male about sexual issues is high risk and inappropriate

This is an artifact of our twisted cultural expectations and biases. Adult men, specifically middle-aged and older men, have traditionally been the "wise men" of any culture and the natural people to turn to for advice and insight. Our patriarchy-hating society has lost sight of that, but that doesn't make it any less real.

[Anon16]

Well, my saga continues a bit. I'm still struggling. I'm not pestering my bishop like I was, and I have that resolved as it relates to him, myself and my Dad. I appreciate all of the advice I received. It helped a lot.

I'm really getting upset as myself. Now, before I go on, let me say one thing. I don't want people posting about how masturbation isn't bad. I really really don't need that right now, and it is not helpful at all.

In a lot of ways, I really struggle with self control just in general, not just this. I put things off, or I don't do things, and I'm very good at justifying enough so I do it, but not enough that I don't feel bad about it.

I'm still screwing up on this. I've stopped reading for the most part bad literature. But I'm looking at pictures instead which is not good. When I last met with my bishop, a week or so ago, and I told him about my slip up, I'd thought I'd done really well because I'd not completely slipped up. I realized though, talking to him that I had.

A day later, I did actually completely slip up, because I figured, well, if I've slipped up already, whats the point? I was also struggling with depression and it was the only thing that made me feel "good". And it did, and that scared me. My depression was just gone. I was in a wonderful mood, and wrote a very cheerful blog post on ldsar. And, a big part of me just wants to use masturbation for that. But I realize I can't.

I realize that until I conquer this, I'm not going anywhere. I won't be able to go to a church college, and I'll never amount to much because I never conquered myself.

I struggle with feelings of never being good enough, and never actually being able to complete something. I'm seeing a counselor on Wed, and I'm hoping it will help. I need something to replace this addiction, habit, whatever you want to call it. I just don't know what I can do. I have quite a few good hobbies, but it's not a replacement for something that can instantly "make me feel better" or what not.

My replacement, or cure? Cutting, or self harm, or whatever. If I can't feel pleasure, why not pain? Certainly distracting enough. I've not done a lot, just 2 cuts, and not deep enough to scar. It's on my hand, so apparently I want to be noticed

I started looking at things tonight again, and that really really troubled me. I just want to screw up, slip up or whatever. I'm going, ok, what's the point. I'm not dedicated to quitting, and until I am, I'm not going to get anywhere, so why bother. On the other hand, I realize that the more I let the natural (wo)man free, and run wild on this, the harder it will be.

Not sure what to do. I need something that will replace this. A good coping method. Something that will work when I need something to pick me up. I seem to just pick bad options. I need your input on what I can do to replace this, because right now I'm just heading back for my next "high" or what not. I figure I've done it 600days or so, if I calculated it right with the 3 3/4s years(started in feb 08) and during most of that time I binged. A lot.

[Guest]

Find someone to serve, and serve them. Do whatever you can for other people. Call someone, make someone cookies, write and send a card to someone you know is having a hard time. Move your focus outside of yourself. I'm happiest when I'm serving.

[JudoMinja]

Anon, it sounds like your self-image is very out of wack and that you need to find ways to build your self-esteem. What you are describing is a lot of signs of serious problems with depression, and I think you should definitely follow through with seeing a therapist. But that isn't necessarily going to make everything all better either. If they do decide to put you on a medication, it will help with those feelings of worthlessness- balance things out chemically and hormonally so that you aren't quite so twisted up inside, but you still need to find something that will help you value yourself.

Right now you are labelling yourself a "screw-up" and feel like your life will not and cannot amount to anything. It sounds a lot like how I felt when my problems initially set in. I felt like I couldn't do anything right and everything started falling apart. I started struggling with my classes, struggling with church and my callings, struggling with my lonliness for lack of a relationship, struggling with everything. It was almost like I simply wouldn't allow myself to be successful, because if I was successful then I wasn't a "screw-up" anymore, and oh I felt such disdain for myself and was convinced I was just that. I let things slip through my fingers that I could easily have accomplished if I'd just stayed on top of it, and that added to my "screw-up" image of myself.

To fix it, you need to find a reason to love yourself. You need to find a purpose. You need to find something you can do that will increase your self-worth and help you realize that you CAN accomplish anything you set out to do. That though the world may try to hold you down, you will push and strive and try and come out conquerer. You CAN overcome this. You ARE strong enough, smart enough, bold enough, etc. You are not a screw-up. You are a daughter of God.

That just prompted a suggestion- Write "I am a daughter of God" on a bunch of stickies, and stick them whereever you will see them frequently, especially where you will see them when you are most struggling. Remember that you truly ARE a daughter of God- you have a divine worth, and he has a plan especially for you. He loves you and wants you to be happy. He wants you to succeed.

Remember who you are and what you are capable of, then do as Eowyn said and find a way to be of service to others. This will help build your sense of purpose as you see your hands working in the lives of others, doing some good for others even if it is small. And your sense of self-worth will blossom as you go out and seek to acheive all that you can. Set goals for yourself that will lead you in small baby steps toward your dreams, with "mile markers" so that you can see what you've accomplished and appreciate your handiwork. Give that gift of service and of yourself to others and you will find that love for yourself that will help you overcome all things.