How do I deal with a controlling mother-in-law?

[Tyler90AZ]

The reason I ask on here is because I get a slew of different answers. I also am not claiming to be perfect and have made mistakes with the situation also. It is hard not to judge when I am being judged on a constant basis. It is also hard to forgive when a new wound gets opened every time we encounter each other.

I am trying to deal with a mother-in-law that has lied about me on a constant basis. She has said I have five different mental disorders and none stick. It is in order to save her image, she worships her image(imo). She doesn't realize that when you join the army and exit the army they do a mental evaluation. I tell her I may have anxiety because I worry a little too much imo, she basically has talked me into admitting I have something. I have took all the tests and researched it, but it does not seem like I actually have anxiety. However, I don't want to stop saying it, so she might stay off my back. I am even willing to get another evaluation, if she does also. She analyzed me and I analyzed her.......... She has no professional training and I have no professional training, therefore, the opinions are worth about the same piece of trash.

Another issue is that she always wants to tell me what to do with my daughters. I take her advice when it is good. However, she continues to push her position, causing a divide between me and my wife. Even disobeying mine and my wives decision on a constant basis. Then she gets mad when I tell her what she should do with my kid. She tells me well when she watches her she will do what she wants. It costs constant tension between me and my wife, because she never gives up.

Yet another issue is that me and my wife want to move away from AZ someday. Every time I mention a place we might move she tears it down like it is crap. Then my wife gets all negative about it. Bother the mother-in-law and father-in-law ask on a constant basis where we will move. I fear they will break our marriage up if I do not say somewhere around Arizona.

Since me and my wife have been back together everything has been great. The only time we fight is when my mother-in-law is around. I feel sadly she is like a cancer. What should I do?

[Dravin]

She tells me well when she watches her she will do what she wants.

"Then you will not watch my daughters."

Then my wife gets all negative about it.

However, she continues to push her position, causing a divide between me and my wife.

This sounds like a wife issue (or course we've only got your side of the situation here) not a MIL issue. You have two issues at hand the way you are telling it:

1) MIL trying to apply undue influence in your marriage and with your kids.

2) Your wife allowing your mother to apply undue influence with her.

Now I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you aren't bad mouthing her Mom to her (which is a different animal from discussing concerns, it is easy to cross the line though). If you are you need to stop it, while she needs to cleave to you (and you to her) attacking her mother is not going to help things and will naturally make her defensive.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Dravin

[beefche]

Are you still living with your parents-in-law?

[Guest]

Stop having her watch the kids if she won't honor your wishes. Wear out the phrase, "Thanks, I'll think about that." Stop confiding in her about your plans and wishes.

[Tyler90AZ]

Are you still living with your parents-in-law?

Were living in a house they own, however, we are paying for the house. I am giving her like 2k in "back rent"(another issue). We could easily move in feb, but my wife says they are having financial problems and my wife does not want to leave. If my mother-in-law would just respect me then it is a win- win for both me and her. I don't consider it living with her if I am paying for the house.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Tyler90AZ

[Guest]

At this point I would tell your wife that your marriage is a higher priority for you than their finances. They can find another renter, but you want to keep the same wife. It sounds like you need as much physical and emotional distance from this woman as possible.

[Tyler90AZ]

"Then you will not watch my daughters."

You know I tell her that, however, I don't feel right about that. I don't really want the kids in the middle. Even though when me and my wife split, the mother-in-law told my wife to only allow me to have supervised visitations. I am still angry about that......

This sounds like a wife issue (or course we've only got your side of the situation here) not a MIL issue. You have two issues at hand the way you are telling it:

1) MIL trying to apply undue influence in your marriage and with your kids.

2) Your wife allowing your mother to apply undue influence with her.

Now I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you aren't bad mouthing her Mom to her (which is a different animal from discussing concerns, it is easy to cross the line though). If you are you need to stop it, while she needs to cleave to you (and you to her) attacking her mother is not going to help things and will naturally make her defensive.

Yea, it is a mil and wife issue.... I tell my wife all the time and we are on sorta the same page. However, how I want my wife to address it is different then how she does. She just wants me to tolerate with it and when the MIL leave we change everything back to how we do it. That causes problems though for my daughters. They need consistency, period.

I am going to be honest, it is to the point now where I have lost my cool and belittled my MIL. Much like she has done to me..... I have tried telling my wife to talk to her, talking to my mil respectively and nothing works. It is very hard not to cross the line when nothing changes.......

If things don't change, when I graduate from school, we are going fly away. I don't want that though, I like Arizona, I just don't like the way I am treated. I give, give and give.... I have even bore a testimony about the FIL, to make amends for things I said about him. They don't think they have done anything wrong, they want me to kiss their butt, sadly that's not me.

[Tyler90AZ]

At this point I would tell your wife that your marriage is a higher priority for you than their finances. They can find another renter, but you want to keep the same wife. It sounds like you need as much physical and emotional distance from this woman as possible.

I know and my wife said she would move anywhere with me at anytime. However, I know she won't be as happy living away from her family. I also have empathy for them regarding their finances. They bought this house for my wife to live in...... That is why she does not want to move also, because she feels like she owes her parents. I was not married to her when they bought there house. However, it is still hard for me to say, screw you, after they bought it for her.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am paying near what it is worth, but I am still paying something.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Tyler90AZ

[applepansy]

The reason I ask on here is because I get a slew of different answers. I also am not claiming to be perfect and have made mistakes with the situation also. It is hard not to judge when I am being judged on a constant basis. It is also hard to forgive when a new wound gets opened every time we encounter each other.

I am trying to deal with a mother-in-law that has lied about me on a constant basis. She has said I have five different mental disorders and none stick. It is in order to save her image, she worships her image(imo). She doesn't realize that when you join the army and exit the army they do a mental evaluation. I tell her I may have anxiety because I worry a little too much imo, she basically has talked me into admitting I have something. I have took all the tests and researched it, but it does not seem like I actually have anxiety. However, I don't want to stop saying it, so she might stay off my back. I am even willing to get another evaluation, if she does also. She analyzed me and I analyzed her.......... She has no professional training and I have no professional training, therefore, the opinions are worth about the same piece of trash.

Another issue is that she always wants to tell me what to do with my daughters. I take her advice when it is good. However, she continues to push her position, causing a divide between me and my wife. Even disobeying mine and my wives decision on a constant basis. Then she gets mad when I tell her what she should do with my kid. She tells me well when she watches her she will do what she wants. It costs constant tension between me and my wife, because she never gives up.

Yet another issue is that me and my wife want to move away from AZ someday. Every time I mention a place we might move she tears it down like it is crap. Then my wife gets all negative about it. Bother the mother-in-law and father-in-law ask on a constant basis where we will move. I fear they will break our marriage up if I do not say somewhere around Arizona.

Since me and my wife have been back together everything has been great. The only time we fight is when my mother-in-law is around. I feel sadly she is like a cancer. What should I do?

Your post reminded me of a recent thread. It might help.

http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/44238-troubles-laws.html

The advice in the thread applies even though the person asking for advice is a wife. Marriage is between a husband and wife and your MIL is out of line. Your wife needs to step up and defend you.

Edited January 7, 2012 by applepansy

[Backroads]

The way I see the house issue:

The in-laws bought it for the daughter to live in. Sounds like it allows daughter/your wife gets some say in it. If they were simply being charitable, they shouldn't mind too much that the house situation will change and will start looking for renters. Worst-case scenario is they are trying to control your wife with the house, which says to me you should get out asap.

What sort of agreements did your wife make when her parents got the house?

[Tyler90AZ]

No agreement they just bought it, may have been willed, idk. Their new thing is that I married her for money... I try to stay out of financial things between them and my wife, even know I have seen shady behavior.

I also know they are not doing it to be charitable, they bought it to rent girls rooms and for my wife. However, they bought it in the worst possible market, I have never told them that though. They could not get any girls to rent rooms and now every other house in the neighborhood is trying to rent.

My family has also told me that they are using it to control me and her also... I guess it boils down to I want my wife to want to move, not just have to move because I want to. If you knew my wife and mil you would understand why she doesn't stand up. It is sad her other daughters stand up to her, but my wife won't. I have to stand up for my wife a lot in fact.

I understand this is her first daughter to get married and she can't let go, but she needs to.......She also thinks my daughter is hers the way she tells us what to do and she craves my daughter. That is what she said anyway....

I will say I am not perfect and I am working very hard to just ignore, ignore and ignore. However, it is one of the hardest things I am having to learn.

[Tyler90AZ]

I don't mean to use this forum as a sounding board, but I have no one else to talk too.

[NeuroTypical]

Oh hey, anonymous forums are great sounding boards - if the posters have any brains to them. And there are lot of smart and wise posters here.

From what I can see, you have two problems. The first problem is being financially dependent on them in whatever way you are. The second problem is your wife is still only part your wife, and the other part is still dependent child.

If I had a magic wish granter, I'd take your problems away for you for a nickel. But I don't, so I can't. But I can say, the more you and your wife are able to lessen, mitigate, or remove those two problems, the better things will get between inlaws and you.

[Dravin]

You know I tell her that, however, I don't feel right about that. I don't really want the kids in the middle. Even though when me and my wife split, the mother-in-law told my wife to only allow me to have supervised visitations. I am still angry about that......

For some reason this got swallowed up in the quote box of my post. The kids are already in the middle, the goal isn't to deny her time with the kids (she can always spend time with them when she's not acting as care giver), the goal is to make it perfectly clear that you will not leave your children with people you cannot trust to watch them in the manner you require. The thing is you can't just tell her that, you have to do it. Even if MIL doesn't change her behavior in the least you've solved the issue of inconsistency.

If somebody tells you they will act like X with your children and you continue to leave your children in their care then you are effectively telling them that you don't oppose their behavior all that much after-all. Ultimately you have to decide how important her behavior is in respect to your kids, but saying, "Don't do that!" and then, "Here, watch them after having explicitly told me you will do that." is a very mixed and weak message indeed.

Edited January 7, 2012 by Dravin

[applepansy]

For some reason this got swallowed up in the quote box of my post. The kids are already in the middle, the goal isn't to deny her time with the kids (she can always spend time with them when she's not acting as care giver), the goal is to make it perfectly clear that you will not leave your children with people you cannot trust to watch them in the manner you require. The thing is you can't just tell her that, you have to do it. Even if MIL doesn't change her behavior in the least you've solved the issue of inconsistency.

If somebody tells you they will act like X with your children and you continue to leave your children in their care then you are effectively telling them that you don't oppose their behavior all that much after-all. Ultimately you have to decide how important her behavior is in respect to your kids, but saying, "Don't do that!" and then, "Here, watch them after having explicitly told me you will do that." is a very mixed and weak message indeed.

When I had similar issues with my inlaws and my FIL stated "We've raised kids. We know what we're doing. If you don't like it that's too bad." I didn't say anything... I just made sure they never babysat the kids again.

After I learned that my MIL was telling our oldest son that I love his younger brother more then the kids were never with them without either my husband or myself with them. No discussion, just consequences. It didn't bother the kids then or now.

[Suzie]

For what is worth...I don't think this is an issue with your mother in law. This is an entirely issue with your WIFE.

[Tyler90AZ]

Thank you for all the great advice! In the end, I think we both need to do a little bit of changing, and I am willing to do that. I just hope she is willing, actions speak louder then words. If she would just give me respect, me and my wife would stay in Arizona forever and she would have her grand kids. I just want respect for my position as father, husband and a human being. Me and my wife are doing great so respect us, we will be together regardless. It is just getting that through her head that is the hard part. It is time for us to be aside our own selfishness....

[rameumptom]

Talk it over first with your wife. Share your concerns with her, and the stress the mil is putting on you. Then, in accordance, come up with a plan. It may be to have your wife explain to the MIL there are boundaries that she is expected not to cross, then explain those boundaries. If she cannot abide by the rules, then she loses her visitation privileges with grandchildren for a month.

It is an issue of establishing boundaries. You first must decide what those are, so she will understand when she is overstepping the bounds.

For my MIL, she growled ferociously at my wife once, and I stood up and told her she didn't have the right to treat my wife like that. I told her we would always treat her with respect, but expect it in return. She was angry and did not speak with us for about a month, but came around and is better at it (though not perfect).

[Guest mirancs8]

Some friendly advice to you... there is no need to share so much information about your decisions which revolve within your marriage with your in-laws. Frankly it's none of their business but you're making it there business by opening the door of discussion.

You and your wife have to make decisions regarding your family together without the influences of others such as the in-laws. You are a man now. You have a family and responsibilities. You and your wife are one in the decisions that effect your family. No one else claims that right unless you let them.

Take control of the situation before it get's out of hand.

[Gramajane]

Praying for you! It might help to look at "Love and Logic" parenting- as the principles work with co workers, and even parents in law too.

I've had problems with in laws, (my husband was an only child) and it is not fun!

It took a lot of prayer, patience, working to understand them, and thankfully we were not beholden to them for anything.

I think if you can not have them so much in your face that would help, and help them get rentors who can pay the full bill, to help their finances, even if you need to get a smaller, not so nice place, the peace would be worth it.

[Colirio]

Hey.

I've been there.

I don't mean to use this forum as a sounding board, but I have no one else to talk too.

What answer have you gotten when you talked to the Lord about it?

If she would just give me respect, me and my wife would stay in Arizona forever and she would have her grand kids. I just want respect for my position as father, husband and a human being.

Position rarely grants a person an honorable respect.

How often has someone bad-mouthed the President of the United States? How often have prophets been stoned and cast out? When God Himself came to the Earth, what type of respect should have been granted to Him?

He knows better than anyone how to succor us in these trials.

The Lord's words on the matter are fairly simple.

D&C 121:41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

3 Nephi 12:44 But behold I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you;

45 That ye may be the children of your Father who is in heaven; for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good.

The TRUTH of the matter is that we cannot change our mothers-in-law, our spouses, our children, and barely do we have the power to even make a change within ourselves.

If you are trully more concerned about changing the situation rather than winning the argument, I would urge you to make a commitment to God today to repent of any contention you might have caused and promise to never allow contention to enter your heart again. Never. No matter what.

Contention is the killer of relationships.

It desensitizes us to the Spirit's promptings.

The second thing I would urge you to do is to diligently seek the Lord's response to this problem. The problem is not "how to change others." The problem is not your mother-in-law. The problem is knowing what to do to bring peace back into your heart, home, and family.

Once you receive the Lord's personal answer to you and follow it diligently, I can promise that all these problems in your life will be swallowed up by the power of the Atonement.

For me, it was a two-fold process. I distinctly received a prompting to fast for humility, patience, and faith. I also was prompted to be diligent to family prayer, scripture study, and weekly family home evenings. The power of this two-fold process resulted in the Lord changing my heart first. It was only through presistence to the Lord's recommendations that my entire family was given the strength to overcome the buffetings of Satan who, I want to assure you, also wants to see your family fail.

I don't know why I wrote this post to you as I rarely speak of it. But, I hope it can help you or any others who read it.

[Gramajane]

With my father in law, not feeling that I was good enough for his only child,--

I came to realize that there was really no one he would feel was good enough,

that it wasn't anything I could do, as I hadn't done anything wrong. He just had such trust issues, and really trusted no one but his wife and his son and he was jealous of my closeness to his son! I tried to win his heart, but that just made him more suspicious- and I thought it would just take time for him to get to know me, but that didn't work either.

He actually gave me a compliment once, (not to my face) that " at least Jane does not bear grudges" and this from one who had worked for years and years behind my back trying to get my husband to divorce me, though we had five kids!

When he was in his 90s and my mother in law died, he was devastated, and I hoped he would be more open, but not so. We welcomed him to live with us, but still there he worked to get rid of me. I couldn't even say good morning, without his taking it wrong, and when I then tried to just wave he twisted that to mean I was trying to get rid of him. So sad.

I'm greatly thankful to God, that the last thing he said to me, indicated that finally he accepted that I was trying to help him, to care for him, as he said "thank you, mother" When I asked if he had had enough water to drink, (as he was having delusions again) --- I had called my husband to come from work because of Grandpas condition, and so my sweetheart went to the cabin we had gotten for Grandpa, and placed about 10 feet from our kitchen door. We thought that Grandpa was going to be ok, and they talked a while, and reaffirmed their plans to go to the Senior Center for the once a week lunch that they usually went to (I didn't go with them to these, as I wanted Grandpa to have the time with my husband- and Grandpa couldn't be comfortable with me anywhere, any time etc)

So, when my husband came home at lunch time, and went to get Grandpa, then my sweetheart came staggering back in the house- crying- Grandpa had committed suicide! He had shot himself in the head! He was dead!

I was so VERY V E R Y thankful that I had nothing to regret! And also for Grandpas last words to me.

Things had been some better since my mother in laws sister, had told me that when Grandpa had again begun to bad mouth me to her, she had told him to stop right there. She then asked him how his grand kids were. He assured her that they were all great and good kids (all were actually married at that time) and then she reminded him that I couldn't be all that bad as I had practically raised them alone as my sweetheart was gone working from us so much of the time. --- She said he sat there, with his mouth open, and a shocked look on his face. Things were slightly better after that. :)

--- Anyway, I plead with you to work to understand where your inlaws are coming from, and forgive them, while it still may be best to put some distance between you and not accept favors with strings attached?

(Grandpa had had his father die when he was 3 years old, his mother remarried a man who was abusive to him, and then his mother died when he was 11, and he was sent to relatives during the depression who didn't really want him, and also beat him, and treated him terribly, till he ran away at age 14. (this is his side of the story, I never got to hear theirs)

Grandpa was an angry acting out kid I understand- and once admitted to us he even attempted but aborted an effort to poison his aunt!) When he began seeing things that were not there, I became fearful, and felt unsafe around him. I knew he had a gun, and I told my husband I was fearful, and felt I might have to move out myself if Grandpa had access to the gun. I got my husband to remove it from his car (without telling Grandpa) he dreplaced the gun with a hammer in the container. Grandpa found out somehow, and asked if Ray knew where it was, and accused him of stealing it, and asked for it back. I didn't know that my husband had given it back to him, and it really ripped my sweetheart up, that he had used that to kill himself, but Grandpa had always said he would kill himself if he ever got to where he couldn't take care of himself. We had worked for years to convince him that was not courageous to do that, but cowardly, when even Helen Keller couldn't see or hear and went on to do great things, inspiriting people etc, also many without legs etc etc. Grandpa claimed he didn't believe in God, but he was sure angry with "nobody" then.

I was thankful that I was able to reason with my sweetheart that Grandpa would have just gone and bought another gun anyway or tried another method that would have maybe had a lot of pain and caused other terrible consequences. Grandpa was still driving (scaring us to death, but the police said we couldn't take his car or keys etc)

Sorry, I'm just rambling on and on. I do totally believe that Grandpa is at peace now, that he can see into my heart, and also that probably most of the other people in his life were not out to get him either. He was an amazingly good man in many ways. He was a great grandpa to our kids. :)

"There is enough good in the worst of us

and enough bad in the best of us

that it hardly behooves any of us

to complain about the rest of us" (or something like that is how the poem goes :) Gramajane

[Gramajane]

I think Grandpa may have meant the last thing he said to me, to come out in a sarcastic way, but it didn't, from the sound of it, it sounded like he KNEW I was trying to take care of him. :) I'm so thankful for that-- it still feels like a gift from God. Both my sweetheart and I dreamed about him after he died, that he was happy and that he was working to resolve his issues. He was with my mother in law :)

[Gramajane]

I wish I knew how to make my profile picture be heads up- : /

[Vort]

I have a copy of your profile picture that his heads-up. Privately message me your email address and I'll send it. To privately message me, click on my name ("Vort") and select "Send a private message to Vort".