Starting to care about missionary...

[Guest]

Missionaries aside and talking about the "real world". Would you say the same thing if a 38 year old man wanted to date a 20 year old woman? Again, talking about the world in general

I sure would. There would be so many gaps in experience, culture, etc. that I think it would be very difficult to have an equal, healthy relationship. If my daughter or son dated someone twice their age, I would have serious concerns. I know some people can make it work (I believe Bini's husband is much older than her), but I think marriage is hard enough that I would encourage them to avoid such a difference in age.

[Guest]

Missionaries aside and talking about the "real world". Would you say the same thing if a 38 year old man wanted to date a 20 year old woman? Again, talking about the world in general

Well no. Because cougars are women. I'd call them something else. What's the male version of cougar? Sugar daddy?

But, kidding aside. There's a big difference between an older male and an older female. Males can have children when they're 70. Females can't.

But even without that, 38yo male to 20yo female... age gap is going to be a challenge. By the time the guy is 80, the woman would still not be old enough to retire.

I'm 5+ years older than my husband. We married when I was still in my mid-20's. There is an age challenge in addition to every other differences we have. And we're talking only 5 years here. My husband calls my music, "The oldies". I can't stand the stuff he used to listen to. We've since overcome that - we have "our music" now. But, that's just an example of some stuff we had to get to make adjustments for. There is maturity difference here too. I already had a house, he was still trying to make it through college. So, being the typical male pride that my husband has - wanting to be the provider so I can stay home and take care of the kids - it was a big contention that I would buy stuff because I made a lot of money while he feels we can't afford that stuff because we're preparing for a family... just lots and lots of age things like that. And that's not even mentioning the incompatibility of hormone cycles...

Edited August 13, 2012 by anatess

[ldswithgreeneyes]

I sure would. There would be so many gaps in experience, culture, etc. that I think it would be very difficult to have an equal, healthy relationship. If my daughter or son dated someone twice their age, I would have serious concerns. I know some people can make it work (I believe Bini's husband is much older than her), but I think marriage is hard enough that I would encourage them to avoid such a difference in age.

I can understand that....marriage *is* tough:(

[ldswithgreeneyes]

Well no. Because cougars are women. I'd call them something else. What's the male version of cougar? Sugar daddy?

But, kidding aside. There's a big difference between an older male and an older female. Males can have children when they're 70. Females can't.

But even without that, 38yo male to 20yo female... age gap is going to be a challenge.

Well, more and more women are having child in their late 30s and 40s. And it seems to work. A few months ago I had some, ahem, female trouble and had to get a scan done of my ovaries..sorry if TMI...anyway, the tech cheerfully told me I had "eggs releasing like crazy". In other words, I could get pregnant if in the position to do so.

I have been hearing that 40 is the new 30 and with scientific advances, I believe this more and more...

[Guest]

Well, more and more women are having child in their late 30s and 40s. And it seems to work. A few months ago I had some, ahem, female trouble and had to get a scan done of my ovaries..sorry if TMI...anyway, the tech cheerfully told me I had "eggs releasing like crazy". In other words, I could get pregnant if in the position to do so.

I have been hearing that 40 is the new 30 and with scientific advances, I believe this more and more...

I wouldn't build my house on it. The possibility of genetic disorders like Down Syndrome and such multiply by a huge margin when you hit 40. Regardless of medical advances.

But really, this is not what you need to be thinking of. Your potential 20-year-old has to be able to accept all that comes with your being 38 with all the baggage that comes with that. And you have to know that you are putting all these 38-year-old challenges on the shoulders of a 20-year-old. Can you both pull it off? Maybe, maybe not. Only you can know. All we are saying here is the generalities - the standard statistical advantage/disadvantage. You can make a success out of the outlier... as long you both know what you're getting into.

And, just to tell you what I observe in my side of the woods. Our LDS youth here is not more mature than the non-LDS ones. They're just less prone to experiment on the wild side.

Edited August 13, 2012 by anatess

[Guest]

Say that you do love this boy. You'd be asking him for a life dealing with stepchildren and an ex-husband from a young age, possibly having one and MAYBE two children of his own, a wife who will be dealing with age and all that comes along with it much earlier than he does, your insecurity when he is in his prime and you are looking much older, possibly caring for you when he would otherwise be enjoying some of his best years, losing you long before he is aged, not to mention the talking and whispering about the two of you everywhere you go. Is that the life you wish for him?

[beefche]

Not to mention that we aren't just talking about any 19-21 y/o, but a missionary who still has the emotional, life, and social experiences of a teenager of 18 years old.

[ldswithgreeneyes]

Say that you do love this boy. You'd be asking him for a life dealing with stepchildren and an ex-husband from a young age, possibly having one and MAYBE two children of his own, a wife who will be dealing with age and all that comes along with it much earlier than he does, your insecurity when he is in his prime and you are looking much older, possibly caring for you when he would otherwise be enjoying some of his best years, losing you long before he is aged, not to mention the talking and whispering about the two of you everywhere you go. Is that the life you wish for him?

I wish for anyone the life that Heavenly Father leads him to live. I don't know. When you put it like that, it sounds like a nightmare. But you are not being fair in your assessment. I can't speak for all ladies my age but many thirtysomething single mothers offer kindness, warmth, the opportunity to selflessly love and nurture children, career stability, experience of all kinds and a resilience and strength not found in their younger counterparts. As a single mother, I have to be secure with myself and have confidence. I never would have made it this far without it. As far as worrying about people "whispering" about me, yes, maybe I worried about that back in high school. But I'm an adult and I can't be worried about that today. I have too much on my plate. As I have said before, as long as everyone is consenting and an adult, then it is between the two of them and everyone with an opinion can go pound sand. I am firm in what I want because I have tried other things and they do not work. Heavenly Father has blessed me and despite my drawbacks, I do feel that I have something to offer a man. Which man is up to Heavenly Father, me and the man.

So I think that while we all agree that missionaries should be left to focus on their work, we will have to agree to disagree on whether or not age differences in relationships are acceptable or not.

[Leah]

I wish for anyone the life that Heavenly Father leads him to live. I don't know. When you put it like that, it sounds like a nightmare. But you are not being fair in your assessment. I can't speak for all ladies my age but many thirtysomething single mothers offer kindness, warmth, the opportunity to selflessly love and nurture children, career stability, experience of all kinds and a resilience and strength not found in their younger counterparts. As a single mother, I have to be secure with myself and have confidence. I never would have made it this far without it. As far as worrying about people "whispering" about me, yes, maybe I worried about that back in high school. But I'm an adult and I can't be worried about that today. I have too much on my plate. As I have said before, as long as everyone is consenting and an adult, then it is between the two of them and everyone with an opinion can go pound sand. I am firm in what I want because I have tried other things and they do not work. Heavenly Father has blessed me and despite my drawbacks, I do feel that I have something to offer a man. Which man is up to Heavenly Father, me and the man.

So I think that while we all agree that missionaries should be left to focus on their work, we will have to agree to disagree on whether or not age differences in relationships are acceptable or not.

Age differences can be acceptable. But you are talking about someone half your age. To me, that is a red flag. Why would a woman be interested in someone half her age? Someone who is still more of a boy than he is a man. Someone who is young enough to be your son.

And then you must consider the age(s) at the time of the relationship. It is one thing to have (for example) a 25 year old and a 35 year old in a relationship, quite another if those ages are 15 and 25. Do you really think a 20 year old is going to be attracted to someone old enough to be his mother?

As for consenting adults....just because two people are of age and 'consent' to something, doesn't make that something appropriate or right, so that argument really isn't even relevant.

You clearly think yourself superior due to your age. You don't have to be thirty-something with kids to offer any - or even all - of the attributes you mentioned. There are women who can offer all of that...without the baggage of children....and can also offer youth.

You have a crush on someone who is inappropriate for you. But you don't want to hear that. You want your wishes validated and you want to believe you are somehow "better" for this young man than women his own age.

Perhaps I am naive, but one thing I never expected to encounter cougars when I joined the church!

[Leah]

One last thought...you're a mother. Think for a minute about how the mother of this missionary would feel if she knew that a woman twice her (innocent) son's age had the hots for him?

If it were my son, I would make darn sure that woman got nowhere near him!

[ldswithgreeneyes]

Age differences can be acceptable. But you are talking about someone half your age. To me, that is a red flag. Why would a woman be interested in someone half her age? Someone who is still more of a boy than he is a man. Someone who is young enough to be your son.

And then you must consider the age(s) at the time of the relationship. It is one thing to have (for example) a 25 year old and a 35 year old in a relationship, quite another if those ages are 15 and 25. Do you really think a 20 year old is going to be attracted to someone old enough to be his mother?

As for consenting adults....just because two people are of age and 'consent' to something, doesn't make that something appropriate or right, so that argument really isn't even relevant.

You clearly think yourself superior due to your age. You don't have to be thirty-something with kids to offer any - or even all - of the attributes you mentioned. There are women who can offer all of that...without the baggage of children....and can also offer youth.

You have a crush on someone who is inappropriate for you. But you don't want to hear that. You want your wishes validated and you want to believe you are somehow "better" for this young man than women his own age.

Perhaps I am naive, but one thing I never expected to encounter cougars when I joined the church!

A few more things...I've said a couple of times now that I get why a missionary in particular is off limits. I understand why having feelings one for is wrong. And, frankly, I think I can do better... So I don't know why people keep bringing it up.

As far as the age thing goes...well, I guess we will agree to disagree. I have to ask..would you be so up in arms if the genders were reversed?

I don't think I am superior but I am not going to run and hide in a corner because I am a single mother. I know this is what some expect people in my situation to do. We *all* have value.

[Anddenex]

A few more things...I've said a couple of times now that I get why a missionary in particular is off limits. I understand why having feelings one for is wrong. And, frankly, I think I can do better... So I don't know why people keep bringing it up.

As far as the age thing goes...well, I guess we will agree to disagree. I have to ask..would you be so up in arms if the genders were reversed?

I don't think I am superior but I am not going to run and hide in a corner because I am a single mother. I know this is what some expect people in my situation to do. We *all* have value.

The most important aspect in any relationship is if the Lord confirms it. All else takes a side step.

President Kimball advised couples never to marry out of their culture, however even in advising this he said that he would never get in the way of a couple, even if their cultures were different, if it was confirmed by the Lord through the avenue of prayer.

One of my best friends in middle school, his father 62, his mother 40. If a woman is attracted to younger men, and a younger man is attracted to older women, and the Lord confirms the marriage. Go for it.

On my mission I met a couple, she was 35 and he was 22 when they go married if I remember correctly. Or, she may have been older. If I am remembering correctly I think the age is off, by a couple of years. I remember them being 14 or 15 years apart. They appeared to have a wonderful relationship.

If my father had his way with me, I would have married a woman 10 years my older, or as he always told me, she needs to be 4 years, at least, older than you.

Well, I didn't listen very well and married a young woman 4 years my younger.

[pam]

Perhaps I am naive, but one thing I never expected to encounter cougars when I joined the church!

Leah I take it you are not into BYU sports then?

[llama]

This situation sounds very similar to what happened to someone I know...

He was on his mission and met a woman around your age, who also had children. I think the difference here, however, is that she was more interested in him than in the church. She didn't have a strong testimony, but played the game, and he bought into it. After he finished serving, she "coincidentally" moved to the same state as him and they started to spend more time together. Eventually she persuaded him to move in with her and he got her pregnant and was inactive in the church for awhile. They did eventually get married. Last I heard, he has started coming back to church with their daughter. Not sure if they are still together.

This is an example of a situation that went badly (though I am very happy that he is going to church again and turning his life back around). I'm not saying that your situation would be the same if you pursued it, because you seem to have a strong testimony. But you also have no idea how he would feel about it. In all likelihood, he hasn't thought of you in that way at all. Missionaries love the people they teach and usually grow very close (it's so touching when I hear my husband speak so warmly about the people he taught on his mission) but that love is usually not romantic.

I would do your best to put these feelings out of your mind while he's still on his mission. Stay close to Heavenly Father and pray often. Fast for guidance. Then, after his mission, if you're still feeling this way, it might be worth contacting him again. Each situation is unique! So the important thing is to live a righteous life and be open to the spirit.

[ldswithgreeneyes]

This situation sounds very similar to what happened to someone I know...

He was on his mission and met a woman around your age, who also had children. I think the difference here, however, is that she was more interested in him than in the church. She didn't have a strong testimony, but played the game, and he bought into it. After he finished serving, she "coincidentally" moved to the same state as him and they started to spend more time together. Eventually she persuaded him to move in with her and he got her pregnant and was inactive in the church for awhile. They did eventually get married. Last I heard, he has started coming back to church with their daughter. Not sure if they are still together.

This is an example of a situation that went badly (though I am very happy that he is going to church again and turning his life back around). I'm not saying that your situation would be the same if you pursued it, because you seem to have a strong testimony. But you also have no idea how he would feel about it. In all likelihood, he hasn't thought of you in that way at all. Missionaries love the people they teach and usually grow very close (it's so touching when I hear my husband speak so warmly about the people he taught on his mission) but that love is usually not romantic.

I would do your best to put these feelings out of your mind while he's still on his mission. Stay close to Heavenly Father and pray often. Fast for guidance. Then, after his mission, if you're still feeling this way, it might be worth contacting him again. Each situation is unique! So the important thing is to live a righteous life and be open to the spirit.

Having spoken to IRL friends who have completed missions, I have heard about the spiritual love(for lack of a better phrase) that the missionaries have for their investigators. I also realize that the chances of him feeling any special sort of way about me are pretty close to nil. But remember..I am not saying that I am desperately in love with him either. I scarcely know him. I do think he is special but that is a far cry from " Let's get married!" LOL.

I am sorry about your misssionary friend. Unlike the lady who pursued him, I would not be able to pick and move as easily..and even if I could, I would not. That is not my style.

I just do the best I can....attending meetings..participating..praying that Heavenly Father helps me in being in the right place and the right time so that I can find a righteous man to love me. It's been awhile:rolleyes:

[sshannonbb]

i don't think you should persue him at all !! he's too young! and he have his whole life ahead of him! let him go find someone his own age ! if you love him u would want the best for him!! trust me i know how you feel! i'm in the same boat but i'm not persueing him at all!! he 's 21 and i'm 33 though i look young for my age according to him and other people. He is just done with his mission. He have been home about a week now. I love him soo much!! i wish i can tell him how i feel but i don't think i have a chance with him since i'm newly divorced without kids! I've known that missionary(RM) for about 6 months! he comes over everyweek! to teach me! and i would have them over for dinner and i would see him at church! i love him soo much that it hurts!! i prayed and prayed to heavenly father every night for strength to move on!! and i cried cried to get over him! I wish i would stop loving him just like that but i can't !! i 'll try my best to get over him..

Edited August 27, 2012 by sshannonbb
misspelled

[Vort]

he 's 21 and i'm 33 though i look young for my age according to him and other people.

Not sure how a 33-year-old "looks young for her age", unless she looks prepubescent.

[sshannonbb]

i'm asian(thai) most asian looks alot younger then our age!!I just turned 33 by the way !! hahaha

Edited August 27, 2012 by sshannonbb

[Anddenex]

Not sure how a 33-year-old "looks young for her age", unless she looks prepubescent.

I do. I am 36, and when people meet me they think I am between the age of 24-26, until they ask how many kids I have.

Last year, or a couple years back I was in the temple and a lady asked me where I was going for my mission.

[sshannonbb]

yea same here :) when he first met me he thought i was in my mid 20s..

[Bini]

Yeh, Asians have that "youthful curse".

I'm almost 30 and every once in a while I still get carded for being questionably 18. Like I said in another thread, the lifeguard at a public pool we went to, asked if I was 15.. You have to be at least 15 to be at the pool by yourself. Crazy thing was, I was holding my daughter in my arms, when he asked.. Husband got a good laugh out of it but I guess the reality, too, is that there must be a lot of young girls out there that have babies..

[sshannonbb]

that's true!

[Rabboni]

The chances are incredibly slim that a 21-year-old virgin male will want to marry a 39-year-old divorced female with two children. Let it go. I'll be blunt. He's got much better prospects.

[ldswithgreeneyes]

The chances are incredibly slim that a 21-year-old virgin male will want to marry a 39-year-old divorced female with two children. Let it go. I'll be blunt. He's got much better prospects.

Wow...I have never heard that before. How original...