How selective should you be when choosing someone to marry

[Backroads]

My husband works with a guy who claims he would almost prefer a girl with a disability. Apparently it's not a requirement for marriage, but the guy does date a lot of disabled women and says he has no problems with the idea of marrying one. Apparently it makes him feel "needed."

[Wingnut]

Hey some guys like a project.

Unbelievable.

[NeuroTypical]

Hey alucar - do I read correctly? Are you honestly 37 years old? I really thought you were some opinionated idealistic teenager getting ready for several years of coming down life's learning curve.

If you're really 37, then you've got a couple of decades of life experience behind your ideas. I'm interested - how have your standards and opinions been working for you? How's your dating life? Got wife?

[alucarD1975]

My husband works with a guy who claims he would almost prefer a girl with a disability. Apparently it's not a requirement for marriage, but the guy does date a lot of disabled women and says he has no problems with the idea of marrying one. Apparently it makes him feel "needed."

This makes my point there is someone for everyone.

[alucarD1975]

Hey alucar - do I read correctly? Are you honestly 37 years old? I really thought you were some opinionated idealistic teenager getting ready for several years of coming down life's learning curve.

If you're really 37, then you've got a couple of decades of life experience behind your ideas. I'm interested - how have your standards and opinions been working for you? How's your dating life? Got wife?

Sure here is some insite with out gettin personal I served a mission, got back married about 1.5 years later. I ignored all the red flags figuring it would be cool because we loved each other. Long story short we were divorced a year later. I took some time off to resolve my own issues ( clearly I chose poorly in choosing my wife) why did I do that? What Was missing in my mental makeup? If I expect better Ina future marriage I need to work through my own issues before I can have any expectations of anyone else.

After a year I started dating I dated ALOT. There are plenty of fish in the sea and if you hita red flag it was see you later....( a foolish man learns from his own mistakes) and I had learns from mine. Lots of lovely girls who would and I am sure have made great wives for others not just me. I was single for almost 5years

Met my wife and while she is not perfect we shared the same ideals, had a lot In common and got married I checked off all the boxes on my list. And while we have had our issues ( marriag is not easy) we havent argued about her weight in fact it's never even come up in conversation she eats healthy and like to look good for herself and for me. We have never fought about money, never fought about sex, how many children we are going to have, how to dicipline those kids, Who would be the bread winner and who would stay at game to raise the kids, she has no past issues psychological or physical, so no stress on that front.

Have we always seen eye to eye no of course not who does. But the big issues are out of the way.....

I see many people post about issues that should have been taken care of before they ever got married. Now I realize that most in our culture fall into the same trap I did and marry early and ignore what their family and friends tell them( assuming their family and friends point out potential issues). Most people have not been as lucky as me and had a chance to hit the reset button on life.

While most on this forum will deny it. After careful thought and reflection if you are really honest with yourself I am sure that if most had a "do over" they might be a little more selective

Ultimately the issues that people have with their spouses are not really with their spouses....you chose the person you were going to marry and chose to ignore all the red flags and then complain about the person but YOU chose them what does this say about YOU?

[Leah]

Unbelievable.

Coming from him, it doesn't surprise me at all.

But I know what you mean.

[Guest]

I'm starting to feel like we're being punked.

If I could go back, in spite of having to work out some issues and challenges we had, I would absolutely marry my husband again. Not because either of us fits some perfect mold, but because both of us have been totally committed to working at our marriage and making it as perfect as possible. That's through health issues, job loss, weight gain and loss, and a lot of other things.

I have to say that this is impressive to me:

After a year I started dating I dated ALOT.

That must have been a very interesting dating experience.

[NightSG]

Speaking as someone who just had a final decree hearing this week, I'm going to have to say you should be as selective as you want to be, then a lot more than you want to be, then more than you ever thought you could stand to be.

FWIW, divorce is a lot like throwing up; it's not fun in itself, but the hassle and pain is nothing compared to whatever made you need to do it in the first place.

[Backroads]

Oh, the mighty alot...

[Guest]

That is the blog post that won her the Internet forever.

[Vort]

That is the blog post that won her the Internet forever.

I was disillusioned to read that the Oatmeal guy is, well, a guy.

[Guest]

I was disillusioned to read that the Oatmeal guy is, well, a guy.

That's not from Oatmeal, it's from Hyperbole and a Half.

Hyperbole and a Half: The Alot is Better Than You at Everything

[Backroads]

Still, I must say my favorite entries of hers are about the simple dog.

[SisterSarah]

Is it ok to ask about medical history? Their own and families? Is it inappropriate to ask about their financial situation?

What about a frank and open discussion about sex? Number of kids? Birth control?

What should be off limits when you decide to marry?

Nothing should be off limits between two people contemplating marriage. When you marry you are intending to spend a lifetime and beyond together and becoming a family.

Building a marriage on open communication and trust is paramount to the survival of a marriage and an intact family.

[bytor2112]

Nothing should be off limits.

At minimum, you should talk about the following things:

• Past medical history
• Family medical history
• Financial status (including the amount of current debt)
• Past serious relationships (do they have financial ties to former spouses or children)
• Past sexual history (names and details aren't necessary, but you should know if your potential spouse will put you at risk for STDs
• Expectations and limits for your sexual relationship
• Family planning (birth control, number of children, etc)
• Current philosophy on raising children
• Concerns or reservations about the Church's structure and/or doctrine
• Any addictions to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or pornography

If your potential spouse isn't willing to talk about all of those topics*, then you might want to delay marrying them until they are.

* some people may add more.

Sounds quite romantic....

[NightSG]

Sounds quite romantic....

Believe me, it's a lot more romantic than divorce court.

[ClickyClack]

Sounds quite romantic....

That's a big reason why so many marriages fail.

People see marriage as nothing but romance, when in actuality, it is as much - or more - a working partnership.

Romance is good, and is important. But just as important is the ability of the man and woman to work together as a team.

[alucarD1975]

That's a big reason why so many marriages fail.

People see marriage as nothing but romance, when in actuality, it is as much - or more - a working partnership.

Romance is good, and is important. But just as important is the ability of the man and woman to work together as a team.

What? Love does not conquer All?

Don't tell the women who post here...

[NeuroTypical]

So alucar, I'm still confused. Why on earth did a happily married man like you start this thread in the first place? What exactly are you trying to accomplish with that last post? It sounds a bit, well, mocking and derisive to me...

[Leah]

What? Love does not conquer All?

Don't tell the women who post here...

This post shows your glaring ignorance on yet another subject....the women here. (Your ignorance about women in general has already been clearly established).

If you bothered to read what the women on this forum post about marriage, you would know how ridiculous your statement is. They have a much better handle on what marriage is all about, than you do.

[garryw]

+1 kudos to those who say anti-depressants are a deal breaker. My SP said that "having a recommend is the lowest possible bar one should have for future spouse." No reason not to raise the bar above that. I don't think mental health is too high a bar to ask for.

[Backroads]

But mental heath is such a broad spectrum... At what point do you say "that person has a definitely mental health problem?"

[Leah]

+1 kudos to those who say anti-depressants are a deal breaker. My SP said that "having a recommend is the lowest possible bar one should have for future spouse." No reason not to raise the bar above that. I don't think mental health is too high a bar to ask for.

How do you define "mental health"? That's a pretty general term.

Should your wife suffer from PPD and need anti-depressants, would that be a "deal-breaker" at that time? Is there ever a time when the prescribed use of anti-depressants is acceptable? After a traumatic event, for example?

[Bini]

We still harping on this topic? Since OP and Garry have made their stances quite clear in previous threads, I'm not sure why we continue to push the issue on how they choose to select a partner. I don't necessarily agree with their thinking but I have my own list of "red flags". I guess, we should just take a breather and be grateful for the men that we DID marry. I know I caught a winner.

[applepansy]

Wasn't it President Kimball who said "eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after" ?

There are things I wish I'd known before I married my husband but looking back I'd still marry him. :)