Favorite Religious Jokes

[prisonchaplain]

Recently, a 'Word of Faith' minister was allowed to speak at the local Pentecostal Bible college. He spoke much about really believing God for our requests. If we've asked God, we're his children, and He will give us what we seek. So, when you pray, you claim your answer, in the name of Jesus!

One of the female students desperately wanted to get married. So, in faith, she went to the local Men's Warehouse and bought a 46L suit. She hung the suit next to her bed, and every night she would pray, "Lord, I believe and I claim that this suit will be filled by my husband, in Jesus name!!!" She started to speak in faith, telling folk she would be married very soon. When they asked if she had a special someone, she would just smile. Sure enough, within three months she was married, and her groom walked down the aisle in that 46L Men's Warehouse suit!

Well, word of this reached the internet, and soon spread. This great story of faith even reached Utah. When Warren Jeffs heard, he immediately headed out to Value Village and bought THREE dresses. Each night he prayed, "Lord, fill these dresses . . . " I believe it was shortly there after that law enforcement came knocking.

[Ray]

Keep your day job, Tommy.

Why does everyone want to be a comedian?

Take my wife, for instance.

No, really. Would you please take my wife for me? Please?

I've already taken her. She wanted to go shopping.

I really hate it when she does that, but I love her. :)

[Palerider]

2 Missionaries are walking down the street and there in a yard is a Catholic Priest watering his lawn. He sees the missionaries and takes the hose and sprays them and says..."we believe in sprinkling"......the missionaries look at each other and on their way over the fence say..."we believe in laying on of hands"...........LOL!!!!........

I have another one I can tell......but I will wait to see if someone else comes up with it........

[Winnie G]

When growing up I loved this joke being we lived on the Catholic side of town and my Sep-father was Jewish.

Back then, it was a rule for catholic’s only eat fish on Fridays.

OK

This Jewish man every Friday would pull out his BBQ and grill a big stake the smell drove his catholic neighbors crazy as the smell flouted over their fences.

The neighbors got together and decided they had to do something so they converted him.

At his baptism, the priest said as he flicked water on his forehead. Born a man once a Jew now a Catholic !

The next Friday this Jewish man pulled out his BBQ and started to grill his stake his Catholic neighbors rushed his yard and said, “You can’t eat that you’re a Catholic you can only eat fish on Fridays”!

He reached for his glass of water and flicked it on his sake saying, “Born a cow was a stake now a FISH!”

[prisonchaplain]

FORREST GUMP TRIES FOR HEAVEN

As Forest approached the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greets him and says: Forest, we've instituted an entrance exam. I know this may not seem fair, given your limited intellectual skills, but policy is policy.

Forest says, "Well, sir, I'll do my best."

Great. Great. So, the first question is pretty easy. Can you name the two days of the week that begin with the letter T.

Oh, Sure, Pete. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

Hmmm. Well, that's not what we had in mind, but I can't say you're wrong. Now, this next question is more challenging, so take your time in figuring it out.

Yes, sir.

How many seconds are in a year? (Let me know if you need paper and pencil).

Oh, no need. That's easy. The answer is 12.

WHAT???? How could you possibly think there are 12 seconds in a year.

Why, it's simple, Pete. There's the 2nd of January, and the 2nd of February . . .

Well, okay then. This next one--the last one--is a deep, theological puzzle. What is God's name?

I don't understand, Pete. These are all so easy. Everyone knows God's name is Howard!!!

Howard??? How do you figure that?

Well, it's in the prayer.

What prayer?

The LORD's Prayer. Our Father, who art in Heaven, HOWARD be thine name...

So--do you think Forest will make the CK??? :-)

[Ray]

Based on just that?

How in the world should I know?

Has Forrest done what he needed to do?

It's not what he knows, but what he has done... including what he has done with his knowledge.

And if I really know Forrest, like I really know Forrest, there's nothing really stupid he's done.

"Stupid is as stupid does", you know, and he isn't stupid if he doesn't know something.

And btw, I like most of his answers. :)

[prisonchaplain]

Ray, Forrest is NOT going to be in the CK, but he's pretend. Heaven is real. Real glory for real disciples. :-)

[john doe]

My dad used to tell the one about the pastor and the priest who invited the Mormon bishop to go fishing. They get out to the pond, row out a ways, and the pastor says, "I forgot my pole, I'll be right back". So he steps out of the boat and walks across the top of the water to the dock, grabs his pole, and walks across the water back to the boat. A few minutes later the priest says, "I forgot my lunch, I'll be right back". He walks across the top of the water, grabs his lunchbox and walks back out to the boat. The Mormon bishop is amazed by the faith of these two guys that they can walk on water, so, not to be outdone, he says, "I forgot my bait, I'll be right back", steps out of the boat, and immediately sinks to the bottom of the pond. He comes up flailing, trying to tread water, wondering what went wrong. The pastor leans over to the priest and says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

[TXRed]

Taxicab Confessions...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Robert Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Now, that's what I call results. It'd definitely work on me.

Peace,

TXRed

[Ray]

Ray, Forrest is NOT going to be in the CK, but he's pretend. Heaven is real. Real glory for real disciples. :-)

How in the world should I know

Well, that's one way to know, I guess.

Did you know that I already knew that?

I didn't say that I didn't know, I asked how I would know.

A minister lives on a golf course. He wants to play golf. It's a beautiful day... it is also a Sunday.

He calls one of his colleagues. He says he's not feeling too good. His colleague does his job for him.

He goes to play golf. He plays really well. He makes a hole in one, for the first time. And then again.

He's playing alone. He didn't see someone see him. Who's he going to tell?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Pope wants to go for a drive. The limo pulls up. He actually drives.

He goes through a park. He's goes too fast. The Police pull him over.

The officer gets out of his car. He then goes up and taps on the window.

He sees it's the Pope. He can't see there's no passenger. What's he going to say?

[prisonchaplain]

400 freshman students are taking Introduction to Philosophy at a major state university. For the final exam, only three students pass.

The one word exam question: WHY?

The only acceptable correct answer? ...

...

...

BECAUSE.

Explanation: An answer that contains any more information presumes more than the question asked.

[Ray]

I knew that. :)

[Outshined]

The Pope wants to go for a drive. The limo pulls up. He actually drives.

He goes through a park. He's goes too fast. The Police pull him over.

The officer gets out of his car. He then goes up and taps on the window.

He sees it's the Pope. He can't see there's no passenger. What's he going to say?

He'll radio in and say, "I have a somone pulled over here, and it must be a real important guy. I'm not sure who it is, but he has the pope as his driver!"

[Ray]

Are you sure? Do you know the policeman? How do you know he'll say that?

What if I told the story's not real, and I just made it up?

:)

[Guest MrsS]

Are you sure? Do you know the policeman? How do you know he'll say that?

What if I told the story's not real, and I just made it up? :)

Sorry Ray, I saw it on the internet years ago with the punch line Outshined gave. Don't think you made it up.

[Ray]

<div class='quotemain'>

Are you sure? Do you know the policeman? How do you know he'll say that?

What if I told the story's not real, and I just made it up? :)

Sorry Ray, I saw it on the internet years ago with the punch line Outshined gave. Don't think you made it up.

Heh, I know I didn't just make it up.

I was asking (Outshined) what he would say if I told him I did?

... if he would still say he would know what he (the police officer) would say?

You could answer too, though. And you did.

Does everyone know now?

And btw, do you know what I find funny? The fact that some don't understand what I'm saying.

It used to bug me, but now I see it as something that is "funny" in life... in a good way.

If it's important to you, and you're serious, then I'll help you understand me.

But until then I'll continue to have "fun" with the power of words. :)

[CrimsonKairos]

The local synagogue's cantor is known to be a pretty poor singer. After the Jewish worship service is over, a man comes up to the cantor and says, "I see we're both in the same profession." The cantor smiles and says, "Oh, you're a singer too?" The other man says flatly, "No, I'm a butcher."

Mwahahahahaha.

[Maureen]

I can't think of any religious jokes at the moment, but so far, these are my favorite punch lines:

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

The other man says flatly, "No, I'm a butcher."

M.

[Gwen]

400 freshman students are taking Introduction to Philosophy at a major state university. For the final exam, only three students pass.

The one word exam question: WHY?

The only acceptable correct answer? ...

BECAUSE.

Explanation: An answer that contains any more information presumes more than the question asked.

i heard this one, but the answer to the exam was "Why not?" so i guess there are two answers. lol

ok, so here is one. but i don't want to pick on anybody, so you fill in the alternate religion. lol

there were two missionaries walking down a narrow sidewalk. after awhile they saw two preachers from another church comming up the side walk toward them. as they walked they eventually met and were stopped standing face to face. one of the preachers looked at the missionaries and proudly said, "Do you mind, we do not step aside for preachers of false religion." the missionaries looked at eachother and said, "We do." and walked arround.

[pushka]

LOL, that's funny Almom :)

[prisonchaplain]

ok, so here is one. but i don't want to pick on anybody, so you fill in the alternate religion. lol

there were two missionaries walking down a narrow sidewalk. after awhile they saw two preachers from another church comming up the side walk toward them. as they walked they eventually met and were stopped standing face to face. one of the preachers looked at the missionaries and proudly said, "Do you mind, we do not step aside for preachers of false religion." the missionaries looked at eachother and said, "We do." and walked arround.

I've heard this one before. Without picking on any particular groups, I am told that the missionaries are from a group well known by most of us, and that other two are from the one other group that is most likely to wake you up on a Saturday morning. Another hint, they might be called "publishers" rather than ministers.

[BenRaines]

OK here is one for our spanish speaking members of LDSTalk:

Sabe lo que fue el appellido de Adan?

Perez.

Porque Dios le dijo a Adan, "El dia en que tomas del fruto del arbol, perecera!"

It doesn't look at good as it sounds when spoken.

Ben Raines

[Fiannan]

I still love the Danish cartoon showing a line of suicide bombers at the gates of Heaven and Mohammed telling them to knock it off because they are running out of virgins.

[Traveler]

This is not really a joke because it really happened. I was working in Japan and went to attend church. Since I do not speak Japanese very well beyond asking directions, ordering food and saying thank you; I needed some help. I have tried the route of relying on the spirit for interpretation of tongues but it would appear that I am lacking in faith. Anyway I sought for translation help and come to find out; many wards in Japan provide a wireless head set and a translator for visiting American businessmen. I thought to try the headset and listen to the translation – I have enough faith for that.

The sacrament meeting was under the direction of the primary – I thought that it ought to be quite interesting, with the translation and all. About half way through the program a young girl (about 9 or 10) got up to the pulpit to give a short memorized rendition. When she got to the pulpit she grabbed the pulpit and just stood there looking at the congregation with very wide eyes and saying nothing – just locked in a silent blank stare.

After some time a lady (I assume the girl’s teacher) came to assist the young girl whispering in her ear. The girl stood not moving or saying a thing. After trying whispering thing several times the teacher attempted to remove the girl from the pulpit but the girl held on tight and would not move or say a thing – just continued to look at the congregation with big wide eyes (quite unusual for an Asian).

Finely another lady (I assume the girls mother), stood up in the congregation and walked quickly to the pulpit with short steeps softly saying something in Japanese. I guessed she was saying like – “So Sorry, So Sorry” and bowing politely to each side as she walked. When she arrived at the pulpit she tired the whisper thing but it was not working. The little girl remained motionless and staring wide eyed at the congregation.

Then a crystal clear voice, in perfect English, sounded in my ear phone from the translator saying, “I am terrified and afraid to speak.”

The Traveler

[pushka]

LOL!!!