Just Wondering

[Guest]

My husband is hoping his business will be successful someday and that we won't have to worry about money. We've talked about how we would live if that happened, and honestly we wouldn't live that differently. Even if we had all the money in the world, we would only subsidize our children's higher education up to 50%. Having to work for something, whether it's by scholarship or flipping burgers, gives it more value to the receiver.

[Guest]

I think this is the healthy way to look at it. Thanks, Eowyn.

I really despise our culture that expects parents to give up their lives and happiness for their children. It leads to two opposing view points:

1) Children are a burden that suck out all the fun in life and should be avoided at all costs.

vs.

2) You, your dreams, your hobbies, your interests, your personality, etc, must completely disappear in order for society to consider you a good parent.

I've seen studies showing both views as extremely unhealthy.

I agree. We don't make our children the center of the world. We teach them what it means to be in a family. They are required to contribute. They are disciplined. They get everything the need, much of what they want, and opportunity to work for more. They learn that mom and dad are people, too, and not personal servants. We keep our hobbies as much as we can, and where we can we involve the children in them. I don't think it's healthy for parents or children for the parents to give up everything to make the kids "happy". Nor is it healthy for a parent to resent a child for what they think they're missing out on.

I wish DH and I could travel more. But every day I'm so thankful for our home and children to fill it, and I look forward to when we can travel with them. And without them. :)

[YaYaYaYana]

Seriously, Yana, how old are you?

I'm 23 and 3/4 years old...

[Bini]

Stop! Everyone, stop.

I gotta hijack for a second.. Eowyn, do you have something to share with all of us :) I should have noticed earlier, as I'm sure it was announced already in thread somewhere (not THIS thread.. elsewhere on the forum).

[applepansy]

We know a family who has a lot of money. They started a perpetual education fund for their children and grandchildren. They can borrow money for their education but they have to pay it back so that future generations of the family will have the resource available too.

Great Idea and I wish we had the money to do the same in our family. We wouldn't live differenlty than we do now otherwise.

[Guest]

That is a fabulous idea, applepansy! Of course right now we can't even afford our own health insurance, so. . .

Bini, there's a thread.

yaya, I don't think I've used 3/4 in my age since I was 15 and 3/4.

[YaYaYaYana]

So because I'm 54 I can't enjoy life?

I enjoy every day! I'm grateful for every day! I'm grateful the struggles and the ups and downs. I'm grateful for the hardships. They are what made me who I am today and I'm HAPPY and enjoying life.

That's not what I meant... I meant it differently....

for example... sime things are better and more fun to do if your younger... and it's nice to have your parents finances them.... for example my friend got to go to japan for a high school exchange I really wanted to do that too...my parents couldn't afford it... now I'M 23 almost 24 i can't go back.and enjoy that time any more...she got to go again in university.... i can't afford that either.... I missed out on that too... most of the universitu students abraod tell 17-21... i want to be able to do things and keep up with people my age.... when I'M 54 I'M gonna be past that stage

.... I'M not home a fit in witness students... it's gonna be a time that i will have other priorities... 54... usually orientation have kids who are in university or high-school...u need to finance them...

[Guest]

When you're younger and not tied down you can also work multiple jobs to do these fun things you want to do.

[Guest]

unfortunately... that is the mind set in North America.... and I guess the reason is thanks to people like your daughter who waste it.... than in that case thoae people do n't deserve the help from their parents...

Even though I am Canadian. Most of my friends are international students from asia....their parents pay for all of their education...they say their parents owe it to them... to pay.... and in return... they don't waste a penny...

Yaya. I'm Asian. Born and bred. I guarantee you - GUARANTEE you - the "their parents owe it to them" statement is COMPLETELY UN-ASIAN you can get smacked in the butt with a belt buckle for it if an Asian ever say that crap to his parents.

Here's an Asian mindset - "I gave you life, I can take it away!". Yep! My mother's version is "You came from my belly, I can shove you back in it!" Everything you own is your parents until you earn it. If an Asian parent decide you are old enough to earn your keep, it doesn't matter if you're 6 years old - you're leaving school for the factory.

Yes usually the oldest so. Or daughter takes the parents to live with them when they get old....there is nothing wrong with that! I Would much rather do that and have my parents pay everything for me.now.... because enjoying life is for the young.... when you are older you... than give up your life to raise children. And work and take care of parents which is fine

Nope. Not true. There's no birth order or gender requirement. Everybody takes care of each other.

It is funny how you think that the only way you can have fun is if your parents send you to college. College is not fun. College is work! Asian parents don't send their kids to college so they can have fun while they're young. That's just idiotic. Asian parents would run their children through the coals if they ever see kids having fun instead of getting their school work done. And if you've been through college, you know how intense it can get. Asian kids don't have time for frat parties or whatever. If they don't get A's in their class, their parents will stop that tuition money faster than they can blink.

Enjoying life is not for the young. Enjoying life is for ALL AGES. If you're young or old and you're not enjoying life, you're doing something wrong.

Here's what I did... I found something I love to do and found a way to get paid for doing it. I've been working since I was 12. I paid my way through college because I defied my dad. He wanted me to become a nurse. I refused. My sister became the nurse. I enjoyed my life doing something I loved doing instead of doing what my dad wanted.

That's the freedom of paying your own way. You get to enjoy it more because you get to set your own expectations.

I didn't give up anything to raise children that I wasn't willing to give up. My children is not a value subtraction to my enjoyment - they're a value add. My children are my joy. I couldn't imagine going through life without them by my side. Yes, there are tough times. But that's the cool thing about family - when the going gets tough, the tough get going... that's our family and it becomes a bit easier because we get to share the burden.

And by the way - my husband was 21 when we got married. He has not started college yet. He was still busy saving up for it. He paid his way through college and had a part time job while I worked full time. It did not diminish our enjoyment at all. Because - him and me together - that was the fun part. And when the children came - they just made everything more fun. It's really special. Having that family unit going through life together, through thick and thin, sickness and health, feast or famine. Because the fun part of life is not the stuff. The fun part of life is US. Together. Always.

[Vort]

Here's an Asian mindset - "I gave you life, I can take it away!". Yep! My mother's version is "You came from my belly, I can shove you back in it!"

Oh, my. That is frightening on more than a merely existential level.

[Guest]

Oh, my. That is frightening on more than a merely existential level.

At least it's better than the - "Mark my words! Your children will pay you back 10-fold for all the pain you have caused me!".

Yeah, that's the scariest one of all... especially since I was the difficult baby that grew to be the difficult child... They called me the "black sheep" and according to my grandparents, there's always 1 in every family!

[Backroads]

That's not what I meant... I meant it differently....

for example... sime things are better and more fun to do if your younger... and it's nice to have your parents finances them.... for example my friend got to go to japan for a high school exchange I really wanted to do that too...my parents couldn't afford it... now I'M 23 almost 24 i can't go back.and enjoy that time any more...she got to go again in university.... i can't afford that either.... I missed out on that too... most of the universitu students abraod tell 17-21... i want to be able to do things and keep up with people my age.... when I'M 54 I'M gonna be past that stage

.... I'M not home a fit in witness students... it's gonna be a time that i will have other priorities... 54... usually orientation have kids who are in university or high-school...u need to finance them...

Well, darn, I'm sorry that your friend's parents were in a different financial situation than yours at the time. But it's an awful silly grudge to be clinging to.

All I'm hearing from you is "so-n-so did it. I didn't. Life is so unfair."

OF COURSE you can't do every single fun thing there is to do in the world.

My little sister wanted to go to Europe after high school. She spent a year saving up money to do so. She went and had a great time. I did too (went as a chaperone). I noticed that all the kids on the tour whose parents paid for it were very whiny.

Have you ever considered thanking your parents for what they have been able to provide?

[MorningStar]

That's not what I meant... I meant it differently....

for example... sime things are better and more fun to do if your younger... and it's nice to have your parents finances them.... for example my friend got to go to japan for a high school exchange I really wanted to do that too...my parents couldn't afford it... now I'M 23 almost 24 i can't go back.and enjoy that time any more...she got to go again in university.... i can't afford that either.... I missed out on that too... most of the universitu students abraod tell 17-21... i want to be able to do things and keep up with people my age.... when I'M 54 I'M gonna be past that stage

.... I'M not home a fit in witness students... it's gonna be a time that i will have other priorities... 54... usually orientation have kids who are in university or high-school...u need to finance them...

My mom would have told me, "And people in Hell want ice water."

[classylady]

When my 19 year old daughter died in a car accident, you know what my regrets were? Not that we hadn't given her more music lessons, dance lessons, more travel experiences, etc. that's for sure. My biggest regret was that I was a working Mom at the time, and I wasn't able to spend as much time with her as I would have liked because of my job. I wasn't even home (I was working) when she left on her mini vacation, where I could say good-bye and tell her to be careful. I missed out on a lot of her life because I was working off-and-on while she was growing up.

When a tragedy happens in life, that's when you see what's most important. My relationship with her was a lot more important than all the luxuries of life. What's important is family! My family is more important to me, and means more to me than anything else in life.

[YaYaYaYana]

When you're younger and not tied down you can also work multiple jobs to do these fun things you want to do.

My multiple jobs don't cover even half of what i want to do... i barely make.enough to cover tuition for the next four years..... I know a job i could do... the best and oldest job in the world... it would pay everything off for me... but than i would get excommunicated from the church

[Guest]

You're lucky you can making enough to pay for school. You won't graduate under a huge load of debt. You'll still be young in 4 years. I wasn't able to work my way through school because of some health issues. Good job!

[Guest]

My multiple jobs don't cover even half of what i want to do... i barely make.enough to cover tuition for the next four years..... I know a job i could do... the best and oldest job in the world... it would pay everything off for me... but than i would get excommunicated from the church

Yaya, you will find that your money will never be enough to cover what you want to do... regardless if somebody dropped 10 million dollars on your lap tomorrow. I found that out the hard way... that's how I got in debt... and this is after I graduated Cum Laude from a Bachelors in Engineering degree making lots of money in the Y2K era...

Here's another piece of advice for ya - Happiness is simply matching what you want with what you have. There are 2 ways to achieve this. 1.) Increase what you have. 2.) Reduce what you want. Your choice.

When I was young, I wanted to come to America. I used to think, if I could just come to America, I will be very happy. I got to America and then I started to think... all I really want is to buy a house. I worked my buns off and bought a house. After I got my house, then I started to think... all I really want is to buy really nice furniture for my house. I got that. Then I wanted new clothes, new shoes, go on a cruise. And on and on and on... sinking myself in debt. So, the day of our wedding, I was $49,000 in credit card debt not counting the mortgage and the car payment.

My husband put a stop to it on our first week of marriage. He cut up my cards and put me on a $50/week allowance. When you're used to just swiping the card for anything you want, it's hard to live off of $50/week. I learned really quick to curb my wants to match my allowance and my husband was able to pay off my debt within a year.

Now, I can enjoy life much better. Because, I realized right quick... those idiot things - cruises and stuff... I didn't need any of those things. What was really enjoyable are the pictures. And pictures of just me in it is not fun. Pictures of me and my husband... now those were fun! Even if we were just standing on a puddle of water.

[Guest]

yaya, have you ever gotten into a ketchup fight at McDonald's with a sibling?

[Bini]

★☆

OP, coveting what others have is no good, no good at all! It will never bring you happiness. Trying to "keep up with the Joneses" is no good, no good at all! It will never bring you happiness. At this point in the thread, I'm unsure what is left to discuss because you're uninterested in what has been shared. If you're just venting, I'm not sure what kind of response you're looking for, since none of us (that I'm aware of) are sympathetic to the self-entitlement mindset.

[YaYaYaYana]

yaya, have you ever gotten into a ketchup fight at McDonald's with a sibling?

Lol nope, I never worked at McDonald's....

I work at a local burger shop near my house...

a catering company and at a restaurant as a bar tender

[YaYaYaYana]

★☆

OP, coveting what others have is no good, no good at all! It will never bring you happiness. Trying to "keep up with the Joneses" is no good, no good at all! It will never bring you happiness. At this point in the thread, I'm unsure what is left to discuss because you're uninterested in what has been shared. If you're just venting, I'm not sure what kind of response you're looking for, since none of us (that I'm aware of) are sympathetic to the self-entitlement mindset.

I think I'M just upset cause I missed out on everything... getting older and still missing out....

The worst part is that my mother and I we pay thatching go to church and are obedient... we still after 20 years have nothing.... she can't support me I can't really support my self all that well either...

And the friend that I have been mentioning... openly hates God... Is a practicing lesbian..Her parents are atheist... and yet they are somehow blessed enough to be able to accomplish everything they want and able to for ancestors...... what is the point to bless that girl with the opprotunities she has..... she won't need them for her growth in the after life.... since there will probably be no after life for her...

I'm not coveting everything everyone else wants.... it's just that this high-school friends I use to have had simular goals as me... she is luving terrible sinful life style and gets everything and I dont

Well one of. My prayers now should be for God to take her blessings of prosperity away... and hand them down to me

Edited August 28, 2012 by YaYaYaYana

[Backroads]

I really do think you aren't focused on what you should be wanting out of life. I'm sure you know that praying to God for your friend's blessings is a bad idea. I'm sure you're also aware that your friend will certainly have an afterlife--non-members don't simply vanish after death.

Many people look at blessings too simply. We were never promised that if we live righteously we will be blessed in exactly the ways we want--just that there will be blessings. We also can't look at material success as a definite sign of righteousness. There's a lot to be said for a mix of luck and hard work. So what if she is from a wealthy family? So what if life (not necessarily God) gave her opportunities you have to work for?

[Dravin]

I think I'M just upset cause I missed out on everything... getting older and still missing out....

You grew up in a sensory deprivation chamber? If no, you didn't miss out on everything. Alternatively as long as one classifies 'everything' as 'things other people can afford to do that I can't', you will always miss out on 'everything'.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Dravin

[YaYaYaYana]

You grew up in a sensory deprivation chamber? If no, you didn't miss out on everything. Alternatively as long as one classifies 'everything' as 'things other people can afford to do that I can't', you will always miss out on 'everything'.

I don't want every single thing that people can afford...

I only wanted 2 at a time (Only two thungs while i was in highschool) and even so... It doesn't seem like I can afford them and inly 2 things at the most 3 things now..

[Dravin]

I don't want every single thing that people can afford...

It doesn't matter how numerous your 'everything' is as long as you continue to define it by the things you want to do but can't, you'll always be missing out on 'everything.' That is what I meant by you defining your everything by things other people can afford that you can't, not that you want to do everything conceivable that's expensive.

I only wanted 2 at a time (Only two thungs while i was in highschool) and even so...It doesn't seem like I can afford them and inly 2 things at the most 3 things now..

A couple things growing up and a couple things now are everything? Can you not see how incredibly myopic that is?

Edited August 28, 2012 by Dravin