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To be honest. . .

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Ladies, I need an attitude adjustment lately. I really try to find the joy in life and be thankful for my womanhood, but right now, I'm kind of hating it.

I am not a feminist. I am pretty traditional, and I've had good men around me all my life so I don't really have a problem with the patriarchal order of things.

Maybe it's that I'm in a place in life where I have young kids and a husband that's always working and not a lot of freedom. But tonight as I did yet more dishes and laundry, I just started feeling like it's not fair. I get all of the grunt work, and none of the authority and freedom that my good husband seems to get. Don't get me wrong; I love and appreciate him and I know he works hard at a job he doesn't always like. He presides over our home righteously and defers to me in many things. I guess my issue is that he has had somewhat of a choice in what his daily work will be. He works in a field he finds interesting and enjoyable at least some of the time.

But no matter what, as a SAHM, my work will always be dishes and laundry and cleaning and changing many diapers a day and running the errands and seeing to the stuff that the breadwinner can't, which right now is everything. . . the errands, including his, the yard work, the parent-teacher conferences, the car maintenance, etc. He's great about taking over so I can get out, if he's not working and I have the energy to go anywhere, but that doesn't happen a lot.

Let's not even touch the fact that if I die before him, I could get saddled with another wife of his choosing, and he never has to worry about that.

It's strange to feel this way, because I've almost always found delight in being a woman. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. Do you ever feel this way?

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I used to feel like that all the time. Especially when my ex was in the Navy and out to sea months at a time. Even then there were times I also worked full time and still had to come home and play mom and dad.

So yeh..I can totally relate to your feelings and frustration.

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Yes, there are days when I have felt that way.

But, I am just so grateful for being a woman! Is that a strange thing to say? I love motherhood, sisterhood, being a wife, and being a daughter. I loved cuddling my children to me when they were little. I love being a wife.

What I do not like are the mundane tasks of being a homemaker. Daily dishes, never ending laundry, vacuuming, cleaning a room, and as soon as I'm done, it looks like I didn't do a thing.

What has also been hard, is when I did have to work full time, I still did the majority of the housework. I can probably count on both hands how many times DH has done a batch of dishes in our 31 years of marriage. I need to be looking for work right now. But, the thought of working full time, and then coming home to house work, is almost more than I can handle at this stage in my life.

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I am so thankful that in spite of my husband's precarious employment the last couple of years, I haven't had to worry about making money. We're doing without some things that I used to think were necessities, but on the material front we're doing fine. I don't know how you women do it who have to work and then still have home and children to manage. And it makes me mad that so often when both spouses are working, it still falls on the woman to do most everything else. Why is it like that?

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You're most definitely not alone. I don't know a SAHM who doesn't feel that way at some point and most likely many points along the way.

BTW, you have authority. Don't ever think you don't. :)

It is hard. From experience I can tell you that the freedom of going to work and taking children to day care is not Freedom. Actually its just more chains.

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Edited by applepansy

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...I get all of the grunt work, and none of the authority and freedom that my good husband seems to get....I guess my issue is that he has had somewhat of a choice in what his daily work will be. He works in a field he finds interesting and enjoyable at least some of the time.

But no matter what, as a SAHM, my work will always be dishes and laundry and cleaning and changing many diapers a day and running the errands and seeing to the stuff that the breadwinner can't, which right now is everything. . . the errands, including his, the yard work, the parent-teacher conferences, the car maintenance, etc....

When I'm in a situation where I'm not happy I try to analyze my situation to see if something could be worse. For instance when I had pneumonia I thought "what's worse than pneumonia", I came up with a few choices, ie cancer is worse. I prefer the mundane and normal to situations that keep me from the mundane and normal. For instance when I'm injured, like back problems or an injured hamstring; those times when I'm in pain and cannot do normal things is when I'm wishing and praying for normal. When things are back to normal I appreciate them more because I always remind myself of those moments when I really missed them.

If I remember correctly Eowyn, you tried extra hard to have your family. You went through IVF. Go back to all you went through to get the family you have and remember how hard that was. You made that choice to create your family because that is what you wanted, what you desired. You of course are going to have off days, but if you find yourself not appreciating your family and all the hard work that goes into it, remember all those hard times you went through just so you could have them in your life. You think you don't have the authority your husband has but the fact that you are the one who is managing everything in your household gives you that authority. You are making those decisions, you are the one in charge that keeps your household functioning. Your husband would be lost without you and so would your kids.

If you find that the mundane and normal are just too much, make something different. Do something out of your regular routine that gives you something to look forward to, that adds that needed flavour you're missing. Read a book, listen to favourite music you haven't listened to in awhile, watch a favourite movie by yourself or with your kids. Do something to add a little spice to the mundane and normal. You're the one in charge, you get to make your day as normal or as exciting as you want it to be.

Let's not even touch the fact that if I die before him, I could get saddled with another wife of his choosing, and he never has to worry about that.

But if you out live your husband and remarry, you can also be sealed to #2 by proxy and from what I understand, the balls in your court, you get to make the decision on who your eternal mate will be. :)

M.

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First off, men don't have more authority in this church. They don't. If you're confused on that point, go back to the temple.

Second, you should sit down with your husband and talk about domestic responsibilities. It's ridiculous that you'd have to do all the housework, in my opinion.

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Sounds like you need outside stimulation. Have you considered classes? You can take them in your home now so dont even have to find babysitters etc.

You are not your house. You are not your family. Taking care of them is necessary but you need to not forget you are a person with interests and talents of your own. What are your personal goals? No not raising your kids or being a good wife. What are your goals? Do you have a talent that you would like to develop? For instance, do you like geology? Do you find chances to read more about it? Do you consider classes to learn more? Do you find ways to use that knowledge in your life? Geology is just an example. It could be weaving or landscaping or accounting. It doesnt matter what it is except that it be something YOU are interested in.

When you always subvert your own interests in the interests of others, after awhile it can not help but be depressing and discouraging. We have to take care of our own selves too, in order to thrive. If we keep ourselves healthy then we are better able to address the interests of those we love and care for.

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When I'm in a situation where I'm not happy I try to analyze my situation to see if something could be worse. For instance when I had pneumonia I thought "what's worse than pneumonia", I came up with a few choices, ie cancer is worse.

M.

So, doing laundry and dishes is better than having cancer? Hmmmm, not quite so sure about that one... No one brings you dinners or cleans your home for the first one, but give a lot of attention to you on the second.

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You are a good woman, Eowyn. You have a heart of gold and the madonna strength of the ages running through you. And you don't need to beat a feminists drum to prove it.

I'm not sure exactly where your powerlessness is coming from whether it's the inherent nature of SAHM-hood or whether it's the traditional roles you hold in your marriage. But let's face it. Being a woman on this planet, even in these modern times and even in the church, is challenging. And being a SAHM is really hard sometimes. And some people really like keeping house and doing kids. I love my kids, but doing housework for 40 yrs just isn't fulfilling to me. And in those early years when the kids were young, it was really hard not to be jealous of my husband's life. He'd go to work, have lunch with friends, and play golf whenever he wanted. While I was home cleaning permanent marker off the walls and lamenting my frumpy spit-up covered t-shirts. He didn't get my stress...and I didn't get his. We're better now, of course. Because we've learned to walk in each other's shoes. And we've learned to let go of some of our immature notions about men and things.

Just remember, E, that being a mom with young kids is a stage. It won't be this way for ever. And it really does get better. Kids get older and more independent. They start putting themselves to bed and cleaning up after themselves. And if you are me, you make them do your most hated chores when they want extra money. :) But for now you are in the trenches and I'm sure this perspective doesn't matter much when you are doing your 1000th load of laundry and your son drops your cell phone in the toilet. For all that....just find balance. Hire the sitters so you can shop alone. Do the GNO's or exercise class. Make hubby take you away for the weekend. You'll probably still feel like you are handcuffed to a toilet brush, but the balance will help you make friends with all of it.

Hang in there, girlie. Getting through these feelings means you are getting refined. That's what gray hair means, right ladies? Refinement? ;)

Edited by Misshalfway

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So, doing laundry and dishes is better than having cancer? Hmmmm, not quite so sure about that one... No one brings you dinners or cleans your home for the first one, but give a lot of attention to you on the second.

Ram, this is a very strange reply. If you actually read my post, I was giving an example of how I coped with having pneumonia. At the time I was feeling terrible and to not be totally negative I needed, for my own emotions and mental well being, to look at my situation as hopeful. I decided to think that there are worse things then pnuemonia, and one of those worse things was cancer and I was very thankful that I didn't have cancer. It was just my way of coping with how awful I felt. This can apply to many situations. If you're feeling bad, one way to cope is to realize that it's not the end of the world, there is hope.

I'm editing to add that yes, doing dishes is better than having cancer. Ask anyone going through cancer treatment. I'd bet they would give up cancer any day just to do dishes.

M.

Edited by Maureen

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Many of you got me all teared up. I've lost myself in surviving twins and supporting my husband's ambitions to start a business while working a "regular" job to support us. The other day I told him I need to get away more, and he was a little exasperated when he pointed out that he's been telling me that for several years. He had a point. . .

I do need to do more to feed my mind and spirit, and try to figure out what I want to do and be outside of mom and wife. Thank you all.

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Maureen, I said those things tongue in cheek.

Eowyn, although the kids are grown, my wife sometimes gets into the same feelings as you. And I have also told her for years to get involved in something. She will for a few months, but then feels better and stops. She's learning that it has to be a sustained activity that will be there when you are feeling good AND when things get tougher.

The jobs of wife and mother are important. But those are not who you are. Some day the kids will be on their own, and while you will still be a mother, it will not occupy your days. Your husband is probably generally self-sufficient, and is gone at work a lot. You need something for you, to develop you, so you have something to share with the world, which includes your kids and husband.

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Maureen, I said those things tongue in cheek....

IMO, you did a terrible job. I don't know if it's easy to talk about cancer like that. Next time, try adding an emoticon; it will help. :huh: (See?)

M.

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Ladies, I need an attitude adjustment lately. I really try to find the joy in life and be thankful for my womanhood, but right now, I'm kind of hating it.

I am not a feminist. I am pretty traditional, and I've had good men around me all my life so I don't really have a problem with the patriarchal order of things.

Maybe it's that I'm in a place in life where I have young kids and a husband that's always working and not a lot of freedom. But tonight as I did yet more dishes and laundry, I just started feeling like it's not fair. I get all of the grunt work, and none of the authority and freedom that my good husband seems to get. Don't get me wrong; I love and appreciate him and I know he works hard at a job he doesn't always like. He presides over our home righteously and defers to me in many things. I guess my issue is that he has had somewhat of a choice in what his daily work will be. He works in a field he finds interesting and enjoyable at least some of the time.

But no matter what, as a SAHM, my work will always be dishes and laundry and cleaning and changing many diapers a day and running the errands and seeing to the stuff that the breadwinner can't, which right now is everything. . . the errands, including his, the yard work, the parent-teacher conferences, the car maintenance, etc. He's great about taking over so I can get out, if he's not working and I have the energy to go anywhere, but that doesn't happen a lot.

Let's not even touch the fact that if I die before him, I could get saddled with another wife of his choosing, and he never has to worry about that.

It's strange to feel this way, because I've almost always found delight in being a woman. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. Do you ever feel this way?

My initial reaction is that a lot of this is coming from a place of sheer fatigue. When we are tired (I battle fatigue daily due to M.S.) it is really hard to see the good things in life. I could be wrong, just sharing what struck me first.

I know it's not helpful to say "it could be worse" or to compare your situation to someone else's...we can always find someone worse off than us. I would trade my life for yours in a heartbeat....but I know that's not helpful, either!

Motherhood overwhelms us at times. Life overwhelms us at times. But there will come a time - even though you can't see it right now - when you will miss this stage of life. And it isn't always going to feel THIS hard.

The work you are doing is SO MUCH more important than my life of going to a job that a million other people could do. You are the only one who can do what you are doing.

So...yeah...I haven't really got anything to say that will really help...but I am sending you lots of hugs and will keep you in my prayers.

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IMO, you did a terrible job :mad:. I don't know :confused: if it's easy to talk :o about cancer :eek: like that. Next time, try adding :hyper: an emoticon; it will help. :huh: (See? :lookaround:)

M. :ninja:

You are welcome.

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Yeah, I can't say I'm big on comparing woes. Stress is stress and pain is pain and we all have our capacities to deal. I have dealt with much worse and so have others, but I've never personally found it terribly productive to think about who has it worse off than whom. We should all just support each other in dealing with what we have.

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Yeah, I can't say I'm big on comparing woes. Stress is stress and pain is pain and we all have our capacities to deal. I have dealt with much worse and so have others, but I've never personally found it terribly productive to think about who has it worse off than whom. We should all just support each other in dealing with what we have.

I'm not saying you should compare your woes with others, I'm saying as a coping mechanism, you can focus on why your situation at this moment is "not the end of the world", even though at times, things can feel that way. Some people don't handle aging well, but as my husband says, "It's better than the alternative." I guess it's all about perspective. I have a friend on FB who is extremely positive. About 99% of the stuff she posts on FB is so positive you can't help but let it rub off on you. She's the type of person that handles stress and worrying so well, I'm baffled by how she does it. I would like to know her secret. Everyone copes in their own way. If you can find the way that helps you Eowyn, then all the best to you.

M.

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Y

Hang in there, girlie. Getting through these feelings means you are getting refined. That's what gray hair means, right ladies? Refinement? ;)

Oh! :D I thought everytime I got a new grey hair it meant I lost another brain cell.

Or as I told my kids when they acted up "Every time you lie to me I get another grey hair" My then 5yo daughter climbed up on my lap the last time I said that. She was playing with my hair and asked "Mommy which grey hairs belong to Scott". (Scott is my oldest son who at the time was running away and was at the beginning of getting into a lot of trouble.)

LOL

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Consider yourself blessed that your husband provides without you having to work outside the home too. On the other hand, there are some households where the wife is also a WAHM providing significant income, while hubby works outside the home, and does all the dishes, laundry, and most housecleaning, too on his days off. ^_^

Ladies, I need an attitude adjustment lately. I really try to find the joy in life and be thankful for my womanhood, but right now, I'm kind of hating it.

I am not a feminist. I am pretty traditional, and I've had good men around me all my life so I don't really have a problem with the patriarchal order of things.

Maybe it's that I'm in a place in life where I have young kids and a husband that's always working and not a lot of freedom. But tonight as I did yet more dishes and laundry, I just started feeling like it's not fair. I get all of the grunt work, and none of the authority and freedom that my good husband seems to get. Don't get me wrong; I love and appreciate him and I know he works hard at a job he doesn't always like. He presides over our home righteously and defers to me in many things. I guess my issue is that he has had somewhat of a choice in what his daily work will be. He works in a field he finds interesting and enjoyable at least some of the time.

But no matter what, as a SAHM, my work will always be dishes and laundry and cleaning and changing many diapers a day and running the errands and seeing to the stuff that the breadwinner can't, which right now is everything. . . the errands, including his, the yard work, the parent-teacher conferences, the car maintenance, etc. He's great about taking over so I can get out, if he's not working and I have the energy to go anywhere, but that doesn't happen a lot.

Let's not even touch the fact that if I die before him, I could get saddled with another wife of his choosing, and he never has to worry about that.

It's strange to feel this way, because I've almost always found delight in being a woman. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. Do you ever feel this way?

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I'm a WAHM. My husband makes enough money to support the family. But, I decided to work simply because, I don't like doing house chores. So, I work just enough to pay somebody to do it for me. So, it's a win-win - the house chores still get done, and I'm doing stuff I would rather do. I don't have little babies anymore though.

Yeah, if I had to do it all by myself, I'd feel the same as you too Eowyn. It just gets depressing at times to have to do the same things you don't much care to do every single day. But, this is not unique to SAHM. There are tons of people who go to work everyday hating their jobs but feel they have to so they can feed their kids.

I'm not really sure if finding the little joys in the chores would help. Maybe if you set your thoughts to something positive - like, maybe, everytime you change diapers it's not "diaper changing time" but "belly raspberries time" or something like that.

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Eowyn, I have been there too! Now that my children are getting older, I told a friend I felt like I was emerging from Hell because life seemed like nothing but laundry, cleaning, cooking, getting puked on, dealing with tantrums, being used as Kleenex, all things related to pregnancy/breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, etc. Getting to do anything for me was laughable. I would have settled for going to the bathroom without an audience or not having anyone yelling for me while I was in the shower. Lots of days, getting to take a shower would have been awesome too. Of course, there were lots of sweet moments too, but I felt so exhausted most of the time. I remember having morning sickness and two of my boys staring at me while I threw-up. "You sick, Mom?" Sometimes they would bring me water, washcloths, etc. My husband couldn't stay home when I was sick because he didn't have sick days for quite some time. When I was pregnant and sick with sick kids, it was a nightmare.

For a long time, my husband worked 60 hours or more per week (which didn't include his long commute), so there was rarely any time for myself. His last job was so stressful, I started to really worry about his health. When lay-offs began, he took a lower paying, way less stressful job and he works four 10 hour days. It came with financial stress though and he talked about getting a part-time job, which would not have improved things much at all. What he needed was overtime, but then he was told they couldn't work overtime anymore unless it was approved or they were on-call. I finally decided it was time to start teaching piano lessons. Why have my husband be gone a lot more for $12 an hour when I could make $50 an hour and spend more time together? I also love teaching and it's great to show my parents the 7 years they paid for my piano lessons was well worth it.

I've watched men in my life go through really tough times with work and I know there were days they wished they could just stay home and do laundry, go to the park with the kids, etc. My dad worked at a place where the boss and his wife would fight and throw chairs. He also got fired for being honest. Someone had been overcharged and they never would have discovered it, but my dad insisted on paying them back. One guy in particular pushed for his firing and it turns out he lied about everything on his resume. He didn't have any degrees. The company later went bankrupt.

My brother didn't feel like he got to follow his dreams. Music was his passion and he started a major in vocal performance, but he realized one day he wouldn't be able to support a family, so he changed his major, ended up working at a place he grew to hate, and then he became a cop. That has been more rewarding, but he was sick for months before every shift because it was so stressful.

Eowyn, do you have friends in a similar position? Maybe you can watch kids for each other so you can get a break? My best friend was my sanity when she lived here. We both helped each other and we could at least make trips to the store without children.

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You get me, MorningStar. :) I'm a piano teacher, too, but had to quit when I was pregnant with the twins and life hasn't allowed me to start up again. I do have friends that are willing to help, but it's hard for me to ask someone to take 2 toddlers, let alone all 5 of my kids. One of my very best friends tells me every week to leave them with her for a couple of hours on her day off so I can shop without them. She's wonderful. I have 3 older sisters and they all work so they can't help as much as I helped them when their kids were little (LOL), but at least I can look at their lives now and see that this isn't forever. I also want to enjoy the good, fun parts of this time in my life. I'm trying. And I'm feeling much better than I was when I posted this. Thank you.

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