Vexing situation

[Enoch2]

I have a situation somewhat similar to others that have been seen here. Forgive my divulging details that may be more than what you want to know. I love my wife. My reaction to guys looking for greener pastures is that they don't exist. However, the particular situations we deal with can often be difficult. I have been married for about thirteen years. Since our oldest was born over ten years ago I have not had a bedroom to myself and my wife. She has insisted on co-sleeping, letting our kids share our bed. Our youngest is nearly four and she still sleeps in our bed. The reason for this is primarily cultural. My wife is Hispanic. I can't say that this is the root of the problem, but it doesn't help. We do get intimate around once a week but it frequently feels like pulling teeth to get that much. She is never the initiator which would be much appreciated. I have had a porn addiction for 11 years. It started about one year into the marriage. Two of my children have special needs and require a lot of attention. I can handle the frequency of the intimacy but I don't like that it seem like a chore every time. Several years ago the problem was so bad that I had an encounter with a sex worker. My wife knows about my pornography problem but I have not told her about the other thing because it would devastate her. No spouse deserves those kinds of things to happen. I know I have no excuse. We have a good relationship and in my mind there isn't a better mother. I only wish she could balance things out and enjoy being intimate.

[MorningStar]

What if you were never married? Would have have had an "encounter" with a sex worker? Would you have a porn addiction? Most likely. Time to stop blaming your wife and she deserves to know that you committed adultery.

[Wingnut]

Sex worker, as in, prostitute? Have you been tested? Yes, it will devastate your wife, but aside from the fact that she's your wife and she needs to know and you need to tell her, she needs to know that you've exposed her to potential STDs and who knows what else. Medically speaking, she needs to know.

And you're right...you have no excuse.

[Backroads]

Not to bash other cultures, but I personally wouldn't care for co-sleeping beyond a certain age of the child.

Do you think this is the root of the problem between you and your wife? Do you think things would get more romantic if you had your own room? Or would she be less interested in sex no matter what? Would you two be willing to talk to a therapist?

Now, as for the porn and sex worker, there's not much chance having the most romantic and intimate relationship imaginable with your wife will fix your addiction, so this needs to be treated separately.

[pam]

I would have been somewhat sympathetic to your situation. Until your last sentence where you apparently put the blame back on her.

[Backroads]

I would have been somewhat sympathetic to your situation. Until your last sentence where you apparently put the blame back on her.

Indeed, I'd be less inclined to be intimate with my husband if I knew he was looking at porn.

Not saying any of this is cause and effect. I understand that people who aren't satisfied sexually may experience a greater temptation towards porn, but that doesn't make it okay and definitely not the other person's fault.

[MorningStar]

Also, if you think your wife treats sex like a chore, how do porn actresses or prostitutes make things better for you? It's a chore for them too, only paid. They don't get into the business because they like sex a lot.

[All_Apologies]

Dude, the problem had nothing to do with sex, the problem is with lust. Sex and lust are two things that, when put together, are not healthy. How do I know? I am a sex addict. But it is not sex that I am powerless over. It is lust. Have you ever attended a 12 step meeting? If not, maybe it would be a good thing to look into. Seriously, you can find a happier and more peaceful way of life.

[mikbone]

Repent, stop feeling sorry for yourself, buy a lock for your door, and communicate with your wife.

Doing what is right doesn't take a genius. It takes committment and self control.

[jb789]

OK, so clearly the porn and sex worker issue aren't healthy. But to be honest, neither is the lack of intimacy with your wife!

Clearly, for men (and I assume women), sex is a biological need, our bodies are wired that way. It needs a healthy outlet. Men cannot live without healthy sexual release - it causes tremendous tension, and if repressed, can lead to unhealthy sexuality (i.e. porn, sex workers, etc, these are not natural).

So, I would say, take the necessary repentance steps regarding the porn and sex worker. These are not correct. But, find a way to be intimate with your wife, explain your needs to her. As I said, men are wired biologically to have sexual needs, much like eating/sleeping, they are truly physical needs. In the Church we often downplay this fact, but it's a fact nonetheless. I really think that sexual repression has a lot to do with porn use in the Church - we're taught too much to deny our own sexuality, to shame it, etc, this leads to it being expressed in unhealthy ways. And truly a lack of a healthy sexual outlet (i.e. with one's spouse) can lead to a lot of pent-up sexual energy, which will come out one way or the other.

There are two issues here - one is unhealthy sexual expression (porn, sexual worker) - the other is lack of a healthy sexual outlet (lack of intimacy with wife). Both will lead to conflict and issues, and to be honest are likely highly related to one another.

[Backroads]

OK, so clearly the porn and sex worker issue aren't healthy. But to be honest, neither is the lack of intimacy with your wife!

Clearly, for men (and I assume women), sex is a biological need, our bodies are wired that way. It needs a healthy outlet. Men cannot live without healthy sexual release - it causes tremendous tension, and if repressed, can lead to unhealthy sexuality (i.e. porn, sex workers, etc, these are not natural).

So, I would say, take the necessary repentance steps regarding the porn and sex worker. These are not correct. But, find a way to be intimate with your wife, explain your needs to her. As I said, men are wired biologically to have sexual needs, much like eating/sleeping, they are truly physical needs. In the Church we often downplay this fact, but it's a fact nonetheless. I really think that sexual repression has a lot to do with porn use in the Church - we're taught too much to deny our own sexuality, to shame it, etc, this leads to it being expressed in unhealthy ways. And truly a lack of a healthy sexual outlet (i.e. with one's spouse) can lead to a lot of pent-up sexual energy, which will come out one way or the other.

There are two issues here - one is unhealthy sexual expression (porn, sexual worker) - the other is lack of a healthy sexual outlet (lack of intimacy with wife). Both will lead to conflict and issues, and to be honest are likely highly related to one another.

I'd say the unhealthy expressions applies just as much to women, albeit often in different ways. I don't believe the Church expressly teaches sexual repression--I bet if we looked up any piece of doctrine or any GA quote somehow related to the matter, all would teach healthy sexuality and sexual views. Any "sex shame" teaching we think we've picked up is probably from incorrect culture or a misunderstanding.

But, yes, you're right. We do have sexual needs, and there is healthy/unhealthy expressions available to us. I would say it's Satan that takes advantage of any confusion of the best way to deal with any sexual frustration that occurs.

[Dravin]

I have a situation somewhat similar to others that have been seen here. Forgive my divulging details that may be more than what you want to know. I love my wife. My reaction to guys looking for greener pastures is that they don't exist. However, the particular situations we deal with can often be difficult. I have been married for about thirteen years. Since our oldest was born over ten years ago I have not had a bedroom to myself and my wife. She has insisted on co-sleeping, letting our kids share our bed. Our youngest is nearly four and she still sleeps in our bed. The reason for this is primarily cultural. My wife is Hispanic. I can't say that this is the root of the problem, but it doesn't help.

How have conversations concerning the issue gone? Were you both able to communicate clearly and just disagreed or does either party feel communication isn't happening?

We do get intimate around once a week but it frequently feels like pulling teeth to get that much. She is never the initiator which would be much appreciated. I have had a porn addiction for 11 years. It started about one year into the marriage. Two of my children have special needs and require a lot of attention. I can handle the frequency of the intimacy but I don't like that it seem like a chore every time.

Have you talked to her about this? I repeat the above question concerting how it went.

Several years ago the problem was so bad that I had an encounter with a sex worker. My wife knows about my pornography problem but I have not told her about the other thing because it would devastate her. No spouse deserves those kinds of things to happen. I know I have no excuse. We have a good relationship and in my mind there isn't a better mother. I only wish she could balance things out and enjoy being intimate.

If encounter means what I think it means then:

1) Get yourself tested if you haven't already, hopefully it's negative because worse case scenario is you have to tell her she has an STD when you...

2) Tell her about your infidelity, part of repentance is confessing to wronged parties.

3) Talk to your Bishop, for something like infidelity part of repentance is confessing to priesthood leaders.

[All_Apologies]

Getting self control is great, but when a person is really addicted, it's going to take more than that. Sometimes, no amount of Self control works. But, where we are powerless to overcome our addictions, God Can and Will when He is sought. Attending an addiction recovery program like SA or the LDS ARP will help you figure out how to let God in to expel the compulsion to act out.

[BenRaines]

What is a sex worker? Is that a nice way to say a prostitute?

Ben Raines

[Vort]

What is a sex worker? Is that a nice way to say a prostitute?

I assume pimps are sex workers, too.

[Dravin]

I assume pimps are sex workers, too.

Wikipedia suggests:

• Prostitutes
• Pornographic actors and models
• Phone sex employees
• Support workers of the above

I'll refrain from linking.

[MorningStar]

You probably shouldn't push for more/better quality sex with your wife until long after you tell her you slept with a prostitute. If she stays with you, I would suggest counseling for both of you.

[mrmarklin]

I'm married to a Hispanic, and so is one of my children. AFAIK there is no cultural reason to have kids in the bedroom.

The male having to initiate intimacy is, however, very Hispanic.

[Pahoranite]

In my opinion, sexual sin is an escape mechanism, like many other sins. A major reason we are counseled to avoid sexual sin is because for many (not all) it becomes a highly addictive comfort/escape mechanism. Similar addictive escape mechanisms can include drugs, alcohol, overeating, internet, etc., however the various escape activities have differing levels of negative stigma attached to them. The greater the negative stigma, the more difficult it can be to share with or enlist the help of others.

Yes, the behavior is abhorrent and wrong, but in my opinion, there is no one prescribed course of action that serves to correct all situations of escapist sin, including sexual sin. For this very reason, one needs to rely on the atonement.

[missionary0204]

Whatever a sex worker is, you must discuss this with your wife and Bishop. Technically, if I understand your post right, you are unworthy to take the sacrament or attend the temple until this issue is resolved. The spirit cannot remain with you if your temple is unclean. You need the spirit again. Satan will play you as the fool and make your life hell if you choose to hide from the atonement because of shame. Your post seems to hint that you have justified your actions to some degree. This is a very dangerous tool that Satan uses to destroy the family unit.

Seeing a sex counslor will probably be good for your relationship, but your wife will need time to cope with the news you need to tell her about. She will have many emotions and wild thoughts going through her mind after you confess to her. I recommend that you suck it up and tread litely for awhile regarding intimacy. She will probably be disgusted with you. She will probably have thoughts of leaving you. DO NOT try to convince her that this is her fault in anyway. That will destroy her emotionally if she is not already broken. Let the counselor be the one to recommend corrective actions to her.

Please do not misinterpret me. My comments are straight forward because they probably need to be. I feel compassion and love for you and wish you the best.

[CalledToServe]

You are the leader in the home. Sex is symbolic of the entire marriage relationship. The fact that your wife is not interested in sex is because you are not first fulfilling her sexual needs. When you learn to fill hers, you will find that she naturally wants to have sex with you.

I'll give you a hint; you can't fulfill your wife's sexual needs in bed. You gotta start way before you ever enter the bedroom. Consider some of the things you did before you were married to convince her to marry you--you weren't concerned about getting sex then. You were willing to delay your needs to fulfill hers in order to convince her to marry you. You have to do this same thing in marriage if you are going to meet your wife's needs.

To better help you understand your wife's sexual needs, I highly recommend this book. It's very short and written to speak to men.: Making LOVE The Joy Of Your Marriage: Beverlea Jace Powers: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

Another thing you should know is that no one on earth has all their needs met. If you are turning to porn and other methods of getting your needs filled then you are missing the ultimate opportunity we have been given here on earth: the opportunity to turn to Christ. He can help you deal with any deficiency in your life, including this one. There is no excuse for sin because the Savior is there and waiting for us to come to Him. If you want to solve this problem, there is no other way than to turn to Him for forgiveness and help in overcoming your sins.

Edited February 12, 2013 by CalledToServe