Dealbreakers, conditions, and requests

[Wingnut]

This is a spinoff of another thread, in which one poster indicated that, as a newlywed, he gave his wife a "condition" that she not prepare casseroles, and that they not purchase cream of mushroom soup. A few other people commented that laying it out as a condition of marriage was probably inappropriate.

It got me thinking. Most people had a "list" of some kind when they were single -- qualities and attributes they sought in a spouse (sense of humor, testimony, education, etc.). Many people may have had a complementary list of things they considered dealbreakers (porn addiction, non-LDS, Yankees fan, etc.)

What is the difference between a dealbreaker and a condition? Why is one okay, but another isn't? What about requests? (Perhaps the anti-casserole-ite in the other thread said condition, but meant request.)

Did you have any dealbreakers? Conditions? Requests? How have you dealt with them in your marriage?

[Guest]

If my husband had ever said, "I really don't enjoy casseroles, and I don't like cream of mushroom soup. Could you please not make them very often?" I would have gladly agreed. That's much, much different from, "My commitment to you depends upon you agreeing to never making this thing I don't like." If he had approached it that way, I would have seen it as a problem way bigger than what's for dinner.

In fact, early in our marriage he made a similar request, but very kindly and respectfully, and also with the caveat that if I ever wanted to make these things he didn't like that was fine, he'd either gladly eat them once in awhile or take care of his own dinner. Which displayed that he cared more about me than what was on his plate.

I think it's fair and appropriate to make requests of our spouses, but we should be willing to consider their likes and wants, as well, and be willing to meet them halfway.

[Wingnut]

I had two dealbreakers: gambling and video games. While I knew that life wouldn't be free from financial problems, I wanted to make sure that our money wasn't unnecessarily squandered away by carelessness and addiction. I had also dated one or two guys who had, on too many occasions, chosen to stay up until 4am playing video games and then been too tired to go out the next night. I didn't expect things to be about me me me all the time, but it didn't feel good playing second banana to a controller. I decided that video games were a dealbreaker for me.

When I got married, I was still living at home. Except for one year away at school (in dorms) and a mission, I had never really lived on my own. I hadn't had to prepare my own meals regularly. I didn't have much of a personal cookbook. My husband politely and quietly tolerated my mac-and-cheese and bean soup in those first months. He did, however, early on, request that I add two new recipes to my repertoire each month, in an effort to diversify. I'm grateful that he did. I might have tried it anyway, but it was nice to know that there was an outside expectation as well. Now I love to cook, and I'm really good at it.

[Guest]

To more specifically answer your question, deal-breakers for me would have been non-LDS first of all. I also wouldn't have gotten involved with a porn addict (knowingly. Thank goodness my husband is as repelled by the porn industry as I am.), or someone who treated me with disrespect or infidelity, or someone who was lazy and unmotivated. Ambition was always important to me, not because I expected "things", but because working toward something (spiritual, physical, or otherwise) has always been a big part of who I am. Nor would I have wanted someone who didn't have a strong desire to have a family and have me home with our children.

[Guest]

I had two dealbreakers: gambling and video games. While I knew that life wouldn't be free from financial problems, I wanted to make sure that our money wasn't unnecessarily squandered away by carelessness and addiction. I had also dated one or two guys who had, on too many occasions, chosen to stay up until 4am playing video games and then been too tired to go out the next night. I didn't expect things to be about me me me all the time, but it didn't feel good playing second banana to a controller. I decided that video games were a dealbreaker for me.

When I got married, I was still living at home. Except for one year away at school (in dorms) and a mission, I had never really lived on my own. I hadn't had to prepare my own meals regularly. I didn't have much of a personal cookbook. My husband politely and quietly tolerated my mac-and-cheese and bean soup in those first months. He did, however, early on, request that I add two new recipes to my repertoire each month, in an effort to diversify. I'm grateful that he did. I might have tried it anyway, but it was nice to know that there was an outside expectation as well. Now I love to cook, and I'm really good at it.

Video games were a problem early in our marriage. I had seen warning signs, but I don't think I realized how it would be. It was one of those things we had to work through, and it required having a husband who again, respected me and was willing to meet me halfway. But boy we had some rows over gaming. . . So I can understand that being a dealbreaker for you. I think I was lucky that DH got past it. He has an older brother who is a terrible video game addict, and it's really tough on his marriage and his kids.

[NeuroTypical]

When my wife and I were dating and almost engaged, she wanted to see how I reacted, so she asked for my opinion on her keeping her maiden name. I said she could do that all she wanted, but the ring I had was going to go on the finger of someone willing to change her name.

Does that count?

[beefche]

My deal breakers while dating were: non-LDS, money management issues, laziness/no ambition.

I know there are many wonderful men who aren't LDS, but for me, I knew that I desired (and in my opinion, I covenanted) to be sealed, not just married.

I cannot handle people who don't know how to pay down debt or save money. I knew that for me, this was an absolute issue and if I had problems with it while dating, those problems would magnify 10x after marriage.

I can be lazy and think we all can. But, I wanted someone who was willing to work and allow me to stay home with the children. So, for me, I needed to know that someone was willing to earn a living for us to be a family and not rely on me to be the bread winner.

I can't think of any conditions since I've been married. Other than the obvious: affair, abuse, no love of sushi.

[Vort]

When my wife and I were dating and almost engaged, she wanted to see how I reacted, so she asked for my opinion on her keeping her maiden name. I said she could do that all she wanted, but the ring I had was going to go on the finger of someone willing to change her name.

Does that count?

Funny. I told my wife the opposite. I knew her by her maiden name, and I told her if she wanted to keep that she was welcome to. For some weird reason, she seemed excited to take my name, though. So I didn't object. :)

[beefche]

Funny. I told my wife the opposite. I knew her by her maiden name, and I told her if she wanted to keep that she was welcome to. For some weird reason, she seemed excited to take my name, though. So I didn't object. :)

I still call myself by my maiden name when I make a mistake. Usually, something like, "Stupid mistake, MaidenName!" Dravin said that is fine with him....

[Dravin]

What is the difference between a dealbreaker and a condition? Why is one okay, but another isn't? What about requests? (Perhaps the anti-casserole-ite in the other thread said condition, but meant request.)

If forced to make a distinction, it's all about who the onus is upon. If something is a deal breaker you are taking it upon yourself to avoid becoming entangled with, and potentially married to, those who have the deal breaker. Now a condition, rather than being about you screening people out of your pool is a requirement you place upon them if they are to remain acceptable (and presumably married) to you.

Now this isn't an issue if we're talking something like adultery, not many people who will refuse to date someone who has committed adultery are fine with it happening in the relationship. The possible problem would stem if it is something non-divorce worthy and the condition is taken seriously, as in not meeting it means divorce. We have more latitude when we are looking for a spouse, to stop dating someone because they like country music is acceptable (even if in my opinion kinda narrow minded), to place a condition upon your spouse that they cannot like country music or you will divorce them is not only unacceptable as a reason for divorce but also on the scary controlling side.

Edited January 29, 2013 by Dravin

[mnn727]

Smoking is/was a deal breaker, don't want to be around it at all. When I was dating (before being LDS) I would not date anyone who smoked. I even hate riding up the elevator at work with someone who obviously was just out for a smoke.

Infidelity would be a deal breaker. But the fact that both my wife and I were experienced before we got married (before becoming LDS) was not a deal breaker.

I hate fish, my wife loves it, as long as I have something else to eat in the house I could care less if she has fish so to me the casserole/ cream of mushroom soup thing is ridiculous. Beside I LOVE most casseroles with Cream of Mushroom soup, having grown up in Minnesota its part of my heritage dontcha know.

Edited January 29, 2013 by mnn727

[Wingnut]

I hate fish, my wife loves it, as long as I have something else to eat in the house I could care less if she has fish...

Same here. I hate hate hate fish. My husband grew up in New England though. He misses it, but now that we live in Ohio, he has a hard time swallowing the cost of buying seafood anyway, so it's okay. That, and my aforementioned cooking awesomeness.

[Vort]

Same here. I hate hate hate fish. My husband grew up in New England though. He misses it, but now that we live in Ohio, he has a hard time swallowing the cost of buying seafood anyway, so it's okay. That, and my aforementioned cooking awesomeness.

I thought I hated fish and seafood. A few things combined to change my mind:

1. Sushi

2. Fresh salmon

3. Seattle clam chowder

[Wingnut]

I thought I hated fish and seafood. A few things combined to change my mind:

1. Sushi

2. Fresh salmon

3. Seattle clam chowder

Admittedly I've never had fresh salmon before. But salmon tends to taste really fishy to me, which means that I can hardly even stand to be around the smell of it.

I used to like clam chowder when I was a kid, but not since 10 or so years old.

Sushi -- I've had it once or twice. Not terribly impressed.

I actually enjoy calamari, believe it or not, as long as it's breaded and deep-friend. And I can stomach almost a whole fillet of tilapia for dinner.

[Vort]

Admittedly I've never had fresh salmon before. But salmon tends to taste really fishy to me, which means that I can hardly even stand to be around the smell of it.

Fresh salmon is the least fishy fish I have ever had. If all the salmon you have tried has tasted "fishy", then you have never tried good salmon. And I am truly sorry for you, because you have missed out. Next time you're on the left coast, find a good seafood place and get fresh salmon. You will be very, very glad you did.

[Just_A_Guy]

What is the difference between a dealbreaker and a condition?

I'm having a really hard time seeing a difference here, if the consequence of the "condition" is that the marriage ends. "Requests", though, I think are part of the normal give-and-take of a marriage.

Did you have any dealbreakers? Conditions? Requests? How have you dealt with them in your marriage?

Just the standard ones they tell you about growing up - get along with well, Church member, wants at least one kid, not high-maintenance and not bat-shizzle crazy. Just_A_Girl was the first girl I ever dated seriously, so I didn't have a lot of time to develop a bucket list of desirable versus deal-killing personal traits.

[Anddenex]

Cursing was a deal breaker for me. Fine if people want to curse, but I personally didn't want this language in my house.

[Wingnut]

Fresh salmon is the least fishy fish I have ever had. If all the salmon you have tried has tasted "fishy", then you have never tried good salmon. And I am truly sorry for you, because you have missed out. Next time you're on the left coast, find a good seafood place and get fresh salmon. You will be very, very glad you did.

I lived outside Portland for seven years, so I certainly had access and opportunity. My mom just made fish so infrequently, I guess. Of the three of us kids, I was the least picky eater, and fish is just about the only thing I would never eat.

[Wingnut]

Cursing was a deal breaker for me. Fine if people want to curse, but I personally didn't want this language in my house.

Probably a good thing we never met.

[Tough Grits]

No smokers.

No drinkers.

No drug users.

No tattoos.

No body piercings.

The above conditions applied even when I was an atheist and just out of high school.

After my first divorce (age 21) and after joining the Church (age 24), I decided to refine and narrow my parameters even more.

All the above

LDS

Must be my best friend above and beyond anybody else.

Strong employment/work ethics.

Kind

Honest

Intelligent

Funny

Crafty (build things/fix things)

Well, as it turns out...my second list worked much better. I have been married to my best friend since 2000.

[Wingnut]

Follow-up question: have your dealbreakers evolved? Is there anything that you once considered a dealbreaker that you later decided wasn't as important to you (or was something that you could live with), either before or after you met your current spouse? What made you change your mind?

Edited January 30, 2013 by Wingnut

[MorningStar]

I dated a guy who was obsessed with sports. He left me alone in a restaurant with his friends I didn't know so he could go check the score of a Sonics game. Up until then, he had been wiping his nervously sweating palms on his pants and couldn't take it anymore.

So my deal breaker is being selfish and putting dumb things above others. And sweating excessively.

[MorningStar]

Also, I think a better statement would be, "I'm not a fan of casseroles or anything with cream of mushroom, so I'll be doing all the cooking."

I knew a guy whose wife only knew how to cook meals with those kinds of soups and he developed a sensitivity to MSG. He brought it up frequently. My husband has a terrible time with names and so when I would mention him, he would say, "Who?" I said, "You know, MSG guy!" We have a lot of code names.

[Vort]

Follow-up question: have your dealbreakers evolved? Is there anything that you once considered a dealbreaker that you later decided wasn't as important to you (or was something that you could live with), either before or after you met your current spouse? What made you change your mind?

It never occurred to me to make explicit the condition that she treat me well. I lucked out, maybe, but if I were to do it over again, that would be a sine qua non condition, perhaps at the very top of the list. I have been amazed to see couples where the wife simply treats the husband like garbage. Maybe she didn't do it while they were dating, but I have to believe the signs were there to be read by anyone who cared to read them.

[Anddenex]

Follow-up question: have your dealbreakers evolved? Is there anything that you once considered a dealbreaker that you later decided wasn't as important to you (or was something that you could live with), either before or after you met your current spouse? What made you change your mind?

Yes, my wife had to obey my every order...well she doesn't obey any of my orders...I am living with it