"Growing and Changing" aka Sex Ed for a 10 year old

[FunDip]

Hello everyone!

My son's 5th grade class is starting their "growing and changing" series soon and the teachers held a meeting for parents. After looking at their materials, my husband and I both felt like we should opt out of the class and teach him on our own. (The materials mention oral sex, homosexuality, and a few other things that we feel are too in-depth for him to know at this point.)

I have the Church's "A Parent's Guide", but I'm looking for others that may have gone through something similar. We will be teaching him about puberty, reproduction, and the law of chastity. Since he is the only one opting out his teacher has agreed to let me provide worksheets for him to do during that time.

Thanks for any thoughts!

[Guest]

Hello everyone!

My son's 5th grade class is starting their "growing and changing" series soon and the teachers held a meeting for parents. After looking at their materials, my husband and I both felt like we should opt out of the class and teach him on our own. (The materials mention oral sex, homosexuality, and a few other things that we feel are too in-depth for him to know at this point.)

I have the Church's "A Parent's Guide", but I'm looking for others that may have gone through something similar. We will be teaching him about puberty, reproduction, and the law of chastity. Since he is the only one opting out his teacher has agreed to let me provide worksheets for him to do during that time.

Thanks for any thoughts!

My son's friends from school already talked to him about oral sex and homosexuality from when he was 10 years old... it seems to be a popular subject of playground discussion with the 4th-5th graders these days.

We didn't opt out of the class, but we taught him our views about all that stuff before he went to that class because he was talking to us about it from what he hears from his friends in school! He came home from that class telling us how stupid the lessons were and that the kids in his class were just laughing about it the whole time.

But then sexuality and all that stuff was just a natural progression from when they were babies. So we didn't really do a sit-down with them. We just talk about it when the topic comes up all throughout their lives. So, when the topic of "babies" came up when they were around 3 years of age, we tell them about Love and Marriage and how married people have babies... and it all just progressed to involve more details as they got older. My son came home from kindergarten one day announcing he has a girlfriend... so we talked to him about the difference between girlfriends and girl friends and the appropriate behavior concerning both and that he should not have girlfriends but have as many girl friends as he likes... and then my husband's best friend "came out" a few years ago when we "caught" him with his boyfriend on one of our visits and so we discussed what we think about that with my then 5 and 7 year old sons. That kind of stuff. I feel it's more taking out the "mysteriousness" of the thing when it is dealt more as an everyday kind of natural discussion like their questions about the meaning of life than if we don't talk about it until that magic day when Daddy talks to Junior about the birds and the bees.

Edited April 17, 2013 by anatess

[Gwen]

It's fine to educate them yourself and you should no matter if they take the school course or not. I am with anatess on this one. Educate them first before the school so that when the school talks there are no surprises. It should be a natural discussion and progression (however with mine there have been some "talks" that have progressed over time).

I know you don't want to cover the topics you named but I suggest you do. Even if he does not take the school course he will be on the playground with the kids that did and IT WILL BE TALKED ABOUT. You want him to have the right info from you and know it's safe to come home with questions when the kids at school give incorrect info.

For me the biggest focus isn't so much what you teach but how. Keep the lines of communication open. When my kids ask things that surprise me I don't show it; don't get mad or embarrassed or brush them off.... answer the question and make it ok to talk to you. I figure as long as they are talking to me I can deal with anything the world throws at us. .... I do admit I might be slightly naive. lol

[Irishcolleen]

I would also add safety issues to the curriculum you are using. Boys need to be aware of the dangers of predators and rape as well as girls. Include online safety, fleeing situations that don't feel comfortable, resisting pressure from others and telling parents/authorities about dangerous situations. Also, in light of recent cases where girls have been raped at parties and pictures spread online I would make sure he understands about consent and what rape is.

[viannqueen3]

I agree with going over everything ahead of time and probably including the items you don't want to talk about. Better to hear it from you first than their friends. Trust me in that they are going to hear about it whether you like it or not. Friends, even the TV and radio- you can't get away from it nowadays.

[Wingnut]

...I would make sure he understands about consent and what rape is.

And how he can prevent rape.

[FunDip]

Thank you all for your responses! We most likely will touch on oral and gays, but from a Gospel standpoint and not the way the school was going to do it. We already have a pretty open dialogue with him about this stuff and so far his friends have introduced him to any heavy stuff. Luckily he has good friends, but I know that it could happen at any time.

Thank you Irishcolleen, viannqueen3, and Wingnut for the safety aspect. Do you think 10 years old is appropriate for rape talk? I wish I could just keep him innocent!

[CrimsonKairos]

Educating young children about sex: not a fun position to be in. My wife and I discuss regularly how we will handle this though our children are 4 years old and 18 months.

We try to keep things simple with our 4 year old:

-No one touches your potty unless mommy or daddy are with you at the doctor to help you not be sick (turns out little girls can get yeast infections fairly easily depending on a number of factors)

-We don't touch other people's potties (this actually deals with oral sex generally without having to explain all the ways people touch other people's "potties")

-Heavenly Father made Adam and Eve and married them. If a man and woman are married they can have babies. Heavenly Father didn't make men to have babies with men, or women to have babies with women (never mind for now the complexities of fertility treatments, sex changes, etc, again, general is good enough to set the basic principles down)

ETC...

10 years old is not at all too old to deal with rape (and the attendant issues of coercion, threats, kidnapping, etc).

Good luck! :)

[Wingnut]

As a suggestion of how to actually talk with him, use accurate and correct words, and don't be uncomfortable with them. Don't refer to any body part as a "potty," but rather as a penis, breast, vagina, testicle, etc. A child can't accurately report if they've been touched inappropriately if a teacher or authority figure doesn't understand that the child isn't talking about his toilet when he refers to his "potty."

[FunDip]

-We don't touch other people's potties (this actually deals with oral sex generally without having to explain all the ways people touch other people's "potties")

My husband and I have already taught that no one is to touch our boys' penises (penii? lol) or butts with any part of their body. We will touch on the STI aspect of that, but that pretty much covers petting, oral sex, and other various things. :)

[CrimsonKairos]

I agree in general, but for now with our 4 year old "potty" serves the purpose. We'll get more detailed and "clinical" as she grows.

As an aside, I think most everyone would know what a child was talking about if they said, "Someone touched my potty." :)

Now if you taught a child that their genitals were "wing-wongs" or some other weird made up word, that could be confusing!

[Vort]

Good for you. You should be teaching your children about sex and sexual hygiene, not the public schools.

Definitely use real words for body parts, not childish euphemisms. There is no such body part as a "pee-pee". It's a penis, or a vulva (NOT a vagina -- please, people, the vagina is internal; you can only see the external orifice to the vagina unless you're using a speculum or trying really hard). Similarly, it's a breast, or a nipple, or an areola, or a scrotum ("ballsack"? Seriously? What are we, nine years old? And the testicles are inside the scrotum; no one will ever likely touch your testicles, or if they do, you'll be comatose from the pain), or a foreskin, or an anus, or whatever. If you don't know the names of these body parts, learn them. Then use them. You will be doing your children a gigantic favor, so they aren't reduced to talking about "boobies" or "buttholes" or other such embarrassments.

[Gwen]

I am totally in the camp of use the real names/terms. I also have to agree with vort, sigh, that there are different parts to the over all parts. The vulva and vagina are different parts. This isn't just important for reporting possible sexual abuse but for general health. When my daughter says "I hurt down here" and points to her crotch I need more specifics. If it's an itchy vulva then it might be yeast, if her urethra (?sp) hurts when she goes pee that's a possible urinary tract infection. Little children can understand that your face is an overall part that is made up of eyes, nose, mouth, etc. The rest of the body is no different.

All that said..... the caution (I recently learned the hard way)....

Other kids may not be taught proper names or be too immature to use them. I teach my kids proper names. My son (just diagnosed asperger's) had issues last yr at school when a group of boys would come up and ask "do you have a bat and baseballs?" my son would say "no, I don't play baseball" and they would laugh and walk away. He came home confused about what was so funny about him not playing baseball. After explaining it he was even more confused as to what was so funny about asking him if he had male genitals. After he got diagnosed with the asperger's this yr the counselor diagnosing him cautioned me about being "too formal" at home. She said that adds to his "social awkwardness". Her suggestion was to keep using the proper names like we were but to make sure the kids also understand that others will use immature names and even tell them the common names in use right now. That way when they hear them they know what it means but they also know how they are to act/talk.

If your child does not have "special needs" then this may not be an issue. Still a good thing to have in the back of your mind as you teach your kids "sex ed".

[Guest]

Growing up in a house where we were not allowed to talk about "those" body parts so much so that we don't call it Chicken Breasts but Chicken Chests... I have to agree 100% with Vort.

The problem I see that is common is that ADULTS are uncomfortable with using proper words with their proper intended meaning so that the word effectively gets completely hijacked by bad connotations. This then makes the children so uncomfortable with the PROPER usage of the word that they can't even use the word in its proper context - for example, in Biology Class, or even just reading the Scriptures. Yes, there's a little girl that I taught in Primary that reads the scriptures and replaces the word Hell with Heck as she reads them.

For example, do you know that I got in trouble when I was talking to a group of people - including children - that "You won't believe this but I just saw a Cane Corso ***** that had a litter of 18!".

So, I teach my children that words are very important and they need to use the correct word for its correct usage. So that, if you say to your brother, "You're so cupid!" you will get in double-trouble because not only did you call your brother stupid (don't even pretend you didn't intend to say stupid!), you denigrated the meaning of the word cupid. And yes, I may be going to extremes but Heck is not a word. Therefore, saying, there's no way in heck I'm going to do that! - does not make it better. Revise the sentence please.

EDIT: See. Even LDS.net will not allow me to use the word that rhymes with witch in its proper context.

Edited April 18, 2013 by anatess

[Still_Small_Voice]

I would recommend the Book: "The Wonderful Way That Babies Are Made" by Larry Christenson. You can get it off Amazon.com for about $10.

It is written by a Christian author. Some ideas are Christian ideas in the book like no one knows what the LORD looks like. But you can adapt the ideas to Latter-Day Saint teachings. I think it describes procreation in ways that promote a healthy attitude toward our bodies and how a husband and wife can conceive a baby. The book has many good ideas you can adapt to teach your children.

If we do not teach our children about the law of chastity and sexual relations, the world will. I would much rather the teachings came from me.

[Guest ldsashley]

I think when you're opting out, it's important to cover ALL the information that is covered in the school program, just with the gospel perspective on it. Especially the difficult topics, because the really sad truth is that he may have already heard about it on the playground.

I have friends whose parents opted out of the sex-ed classes when they were growing up, and their parents didn't teach them about STD's, birth control, etc. I personally don't agree with that. The most important reason is because you can teach your children, but they may not follow what you teach, and they need to know how to protect themselves from physical consequences if they do. Also they need to know why having sex early is such a bad idea (from a practical standpoint as well as spiritual) and they need to know that condoms don't always work. They also may need the information for when they're grown up and married if their circumstances are such that birth control is needed (although by then they can figure it out themselves on the internet and with their doctor).

[jerome1232]

so they aren't reduced to talking about "boobies" or "buttholes" or other such embarrassments.

I for one can't fathom why boobies and buttholes are anymore "embarrasing" than breasts and anuses.

I guess technical words make some people feel all grown up and somehow sanitizes the meaning of the word? It's lost on me.

[MarginOfError]

I for one can't fathom why boobies and buttholes are anymore "embarrasing" than breasts and anuses.

I guess technical words make some people feel all grown up and somehow sanitizes the meaning of the word? It's lost on me.

More importantly, it's an agreed upon frame of reference. Learning correct terms helps them learn to communicate with adults and professionals in many important fields without having to decode information. The secondary benefit is they are less likely to develop a sense of shame around the use of the terms. This can prove useful as adolescents and adults when trying to navigate morality with their peers and potential spouses

Side note: part of me wonders now if Vort has ever reprimanded his children in the store for touching the box the holds the packet of pudding mix