Three eye-rolling yet LOLable physics jokes

[Vort]

1. Heisenberg is driving Schrödinger to a conference when a cop pulls them over. The cop asks Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg answers, "No, but I know where I was."

The cop says, "I'll have to search the car." He opens the trunk and yells, "Hey, did you know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrödinger says, "He wasn't dead before you opened the trunk."

(That second one was a lame bonus joke. No extra charge.)

2. Did you hear about the guy who reached absolute zero? He's 0K now.

3. A string theorist's wife walks into his office and finds him kissing his secretary. The string theorist says, "I can explain everything!"

You are welcome.

[NeuroTypical]

[Wingnut]

I like Chemistry Cat.

[Vort]

I like Chemistry Cat.

Much dumber even than my physics jokes, except I laughed at this one:

[Wingnut]

I like this one, too:

[Zeitgeist]

Here are two jokes for computer geeks:

Q. What's this? 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 ...

A. A really bad random number generator.

Q. What's this? PRINT ('3');

A. A program that very rapidly approximates the value of pi.

[NeuroTypical]

Ok fine. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

[Guest]

Eye-rolling, not sure if it's LOLable though:

There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physist trys. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccum."

Meh... I have more Engineer jokes.

[Vort]

[Smudge]

One from the parental:

I went to the library the other day to see if they had any DIY books - specifically I wanted to see if they had books on shelves

[Zeitgeist]

What an amusing thread. Here is one more, my favorite joke from the world of software design.

A frog in the forest leaps too far and sails over the edge of a very high cliff that he hadn't seen. He lands on a small outcropping that is 50 feet below the edge of the cliff and 50 feet above the ground. He cannot leap up or leap down, and his little perch is barely big enough for him to turn around. He begins to whine about his troubles. An owl in a nearby tree overhears the frog and hoots, "What about leaping into the air and simply flying away?" So the frog leaps into the air and tries to flap his little arms and legs, but he plummets to the ground like a rock and gets banged up pretty bad. He looks up in a daze at the owl and snaps, "Owl, why on earth did you recommend that I fly away when I have no wings?" And the owl replies, "I only deal with concepts, not reality."

[Jamie123]

[Vort]

Cop pulls an electron over and says, "I clocked you at 215,709 mph." The electron says, "Great, now I'm lost."

[Vort]

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Would each of you like a beer?"

The first logician says, "I don't know."

The second logician says, "I don't know."

The third logician says, "Yes!"

[Vort]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Give me five beers."

******

A computer programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Give me three beers."

******

A guy walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. The bartender says, "We don't serve New Yorkers."

[Mahone]

I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

[Vort]

I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

I'd tell you a hipster joke, but it's pretty obscure and you probably wouldn't understand it.

[Mahone]

I'd tell you a hipster joke, but it's pretty obscure and you probably wouldn't understand it.

:).

[talisyn]

http://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-098fc450e53c05f568566ae6af4b618c?convert_to_webp=true

[Wingnut]

http://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-098fc450e53c05f568566ae6af4b618c?convert_to_webp=true

http://i.imgur.com/uAf5Dhp.jpg (click the image to enlarge it, after you click through to the link)

[talisyn]

http://i.imgur.com/uAf5Dhp.jpg (click the image to enlarge it, after you click through to the link)

It's perfect!

[skippy740]

http://i.imgur.com/uAf5Dhp.jpg (click the image to enlarge it, after you click through to the link)

You're missing "Mormon Cows":

You have 10 cows... you get a wife.

[Vort]

Is it against the Word of Wisdom to drink root beer from a square mug?

[Wingnut]

You're missing "Mormon Cows":

You have 10 cows... you get a wife.

You have two cows...you get an uglier wife.

[Vort]

Is it against the Word of Wisdom to drink root beer from a square mug?

...because then, you know, you just have...beer...

...it's always so embarrassing to have to explain your jokes...well, at least Wingnut laughed...