Active Husband and Father, How do I tell my wife I am a porn/sex addict?

[ihms1234]

I just need somewhere to blurt this out. I have been fighting the plague of pornagraphy for over 10 years. I am 23, married, sealed, have 2 kids, and a temple recomend. I feel like I am beyond repentance. I know that isn't true but I just feel like I have fallen to far by lying to everyone. I know that I have to talk to the bishop, I think I can handle that. What I can't handle is telling my beautiful, loving wife. We have been married for 4 years, sealed for 3. I feel like such a coward. I know I can't stop this on my own but I cannot bring myself to break her heart. How do I tell my wife that her husband and father of her children is a porn addict?

Edited November 16, 2013 by ihms1234

[Anddenex]

The consequence is unavoidable, and yet unknown, but you tell your wife as open and honestly as you have written this post.

[NeuroTypical]

I'd start with your bishop and counsel with him about how to approach your wife.

[Drpepper]

There is simply no easy way to tell your wife this. Her heart will be broken no matter how you put it. I just want to clarify your post. Your married in the temple, but are you sealed? You have a temple recommend but are you temple worthy? Talk to your Bishop before you loose everything in the world that you hold most dear to you. No one is beyond the reach of our Savior.

[person122]

There is no way around it. You just have to tell her. No sugar coating. She needs to know the seriousness of this. If she doesn't, the two of you won't be able to be a team. Write a letter to give her more info about stuff you probably would gloss over because you don't want to hurt her. She is on your side. She loves you and wants the best for you. She is probably your biggest cheerleader. Get filters. Tell bishop because he can direct you for an addiction group. Always tell her when you slip (and I mean always) and that will build trust and help the two of you. Good for you wanting to tell her. One of the devils biggest tactics is through secrets. Can't you see how Satan has been working on you because you are hiding this secret? Look at the language you used in original post. You are a child of God. Heavenly Father and the Savior NEVER see you as junk. NEVER! They would never use those words to you their precios child. He is telling you lies about your wife too so this will keep going on and on. This has to stopand it can only stop with truth.

[mnn727]

Talk with your Bishop first, start the Churches 12 step program, it will help you deal with telling your wife.

[Vort]

I agree with LM. Start with your bishop first.

What does it mean to be a "sex addict"? You're married. You and your wife should have sex until your hair falls out. You're supposed to like sex. That's how it's designed. The porn is definitely a bad thing and something you need to overcome, but I don't understand the "sex addict" part.

[mdfxdb]

Are you sure you're addicted to Porn? Why do you think you're addicted? Looking at it does not make you an addict.

[ihms1234]

Thanks for the supportive words. To clarify there is a lot of sexual frustration in our relationship on my end. I need the physical intimacy exponentially more than she does which is ok. But everytime we have tried to work something out nothing changea. I have been using the porn to cope with it. I don't want to have sex with anyone but my wife but it has become a rarity. I feel like a trash husband complaining that he doesn't get enough so I tend not to get into any more with her and have turned to this stupid way of coping.

[mdfxdb]

You probably are not a porn addict. You should talk to your bishop, you should not be viewing porn. You and your wife need to see a counselor about the sexual problems you are experiencing. You should never have to say "sex with my wife" and "rarity" in the same sentence.

[mnn727]

You should never have to say "sex with my wife" and "rarity" in the same sentence.

How about; "Its a 'rarity' when I don't have 'sex with my wife'" ?

Seriously for the O.P. people have different sex drives, if you are way out of tune, then yes I would suggest counseling.

Check your PM's

Edited November 19, 2013 by mnn727

[person122]

Thanks for the supportive words. To clarify there is a lot of sexual frustration in our relationship on my end. I need the physical intimacy exponentially more than she does which is ok. But everytime we have tried to work something out nothing changea. I have been using the porn to cope with it. I don't want to have sex with anyone but my wife but it has become a rarity. I feel like a trash husband complaining that he doesn't get enough so I tend not to get into any more with her and have turned to this stupid way of coping.

think of your relationship like money. You and your wife work together in your own ways to make sure you have enough money for bills and such, right? what would happen if one person isn't honest and keeps on taking money out of the bank? Everything is looking great. The house is getting paid for. Bills are getting paid. Plenty of food on the table. But there is a dirty secret. Even though things look fine on the outside, the spouse has been using ways to hide the sneaking that involve debt. What would happen to your relationship if you did that? Do you think the person who feel comfortable around the unknowing spouse? This is kind of what you are doing to your relationship. Don't know if this makes sense. Do you want to fix the relationship after it gets in the red or are you going to fix it now when there is still some money?

Edited November 19, 2013 by person122

[happy2bhere]

theres help and hope in the a.r.p. program...the 12 step program for sexual addictions...your wife will be hurt as i see it in church meetings but this addiction is destructive ...but you need to seat down with your bishop and pray for guidance in this process...i attend this meeting every wed for the last 2.5 yrs ...if you need help undersdtanding the program or need help getting there im here to help for sure...there is hope and theres help...love you brother...may god be with you...

[Drpepper]

How about; "Its a 'rarity' when I don't have 'sex with my wife'" ?

Can't believe you got away with that under the new rules.

[person122]

Slamjet recently posted a link to an audio interview of his personal story of pornography addiction. Maybe something can be gleaned from it. It is under General Discussion/Major Shameless Plug; My interview...

[jbeggs]

It is something you will probably have to share with your wife at some point, as there are likely underlying emotional issues behind the pornography use. It is extremely dangerous & destructive, and my recent interviews with our stake presidency have impressed on me how important the law of chastity is to worthiness. I would agree that you should talk about this with your bishop/leaders so you can get on the path to repentance, before, as another poster said, you lose everything you love. It is that serious.

[MorningStar]

You probably are not a porn addict. You should talk to your bishop, you should not be viewing porn. You and your wife need to see a counselor about the sexual problems you are experiencing. You should never have to say "sex with my wife" and "rarity" in the same sentence.

He said he has been viewing porn for 10 years and married for only 4 years. What is the excuse for the 6 years of using porn before marriage? It seems the majority of men who say they use porn to cope with the lack of sex were already using it before marriage.

[mdfxdb]

He said he had been viewing porn. That does not an addict make.

[MorningStar]

He said he had been viewing porn. That does not an addict make.

For 10 years. Whether he's an addict or not, he has no wife to blame for his porn use of 6 years.

[victoria36]

Tell her! Do not live in secret! My husband just revealed to me that he has been a sexual/pornography addict for 25 years! We have been married for 17 of those years. He was in so deep that it finally escalated to 3 affairs and an excommunication! He tells me that it is in those secret places that Satan likes to play. He has told me everything and the release of that burden is immense for him. He is attending 12 step programs and we are stronger now than ever. Don't let it be a secret...that is where Satan wants it to stay...and where he can convince you to escalate.

My husband started a blog about his addiction if you are interested: A Battle Worth Winning

[March05]

ihms1234, at the moment my marriage is about gone. Not for my lack of trying. I noticed above some of what you have said sounding familiar. My recommendation, is to find one thing first to focus on. Sex, pornography, Priesthood, speak to bishop, marriage etc... You have many choices. Pray about this.

I too would beg for intercourse to satisfy my wants. This created resentment from my wife which is a ticking time bomb. I may have learned too late that for good sex, you have to take care of her first. If your getting most of the pleasure, she will feel left out after a while. You are not a coward, Heavenly Father still loves you. I hope some this can be of help.