Fighting/Contention

[Str8Shooter]

My question to you all is this:  Do you feel that fighting and/or arguing is a normal part of a relationship?   Please support your answers.

 

 

 

[pam]

Personally, I would have a hard time believing very few people that say they have never fought or argued.

[The Folk Prophet]

Normal? No. And I think accepting it as normal is a problem, or rather, indicative of a problem. Yes, there will be conflicts in a marriage. Of course. But each time there is it should be viewed, in my opinion, as an issue to resolve and overcome, not "the norm".

 

What sort of "support" are you asking for? A General Authority quote that says fighting is/isn't a normal part of marriage? What would that have to do with what we "feel" about it.  Not trying to be a stinker here...just clarifying what you're hoping for. :)

[Guest]

Conflict is to be expected in ANY relationship.  We are all unique individuals with individual thought patterns, perceptions, tendencies, trigger responses, etc. etc.

 

When a conflict arises, the manner in which one deals with it can be either good or bad.  Fighting/arguing, as opposed to resolving/discussing is a bad way to deal with it.  So, if a society considers it normal, then something is wrong with that society or that culture.

 

I mean, yeah, in most of the world... having multiple sexual partners before marriage has become normal... that is still bad, so it is sad to see that it has become normalized in most societies.

 

Fighting/arguing is still not normal, I don't think... you go fight/argue with a workmate, you could get fired... so it's still frowned upon.

 

Not quite sure what you expect to see for me to "back it up".

[MrShorty]

A few thoughts:

 

1) If "normal" means "common", or "natural", or that many couples get into fights/arguments, I would say that fighting/arguing is normal. If "fighting/arguing" is the same as having "conflict/disagreements" I would say that it is almost inevitable as TFP noted.

 

I must note that this does not mean that fighting/arguing is "good", or "healthy" or otherwise conducive to building strong relationships.

 

2) In his books, Dr. Gottman spends a lot of time talking about dealing with conflict. He says that he can predict divorces quite reliably based on how a couple deals with conflict. One key to building strong relationships is to learn how to resolve conflicts in positive ways and avoiding his "four horsemen" (http://www.gottmanblog.com/2012/12/manage-conflict-six-skills.html).

[The Folk Prophet]

I agree with MrShorty. If normal means common, then yes, it is normal. What I was trying to say in my post was that we should not consider it acceptable, just-the-way-it-is, everybody-does-it-so-you-just-have-to-live-with-it, etc...

 

I also agree and support the thought that it is not "good" or "healthy".

 

The spirit of contention is of the devil:

 

3 Nephi 11:29

"For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another."

 

And in the next verse:

 

"Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away."

 

If we are to be righteous, it is requisite that we do away with the spirit of contention. Yes, it will happen in a marriage. How we treat it matters though. If we react to contention by humbling ourselves, making efforts to remove the contention (we can use a variety of methods, one such suggested by MrShorty, but there are others as well (The New Peoplemaking by Viginia Satir is one my father-in-law (taught marriage and family course in college) recommends), and strive to do away with such things, then we may, line-upon-line, grow in our marriage and spirituality. This should be the goal of every marriage.

 

The real key, in my opinion, to successful marriage is to humble oneself and approach conflict with complete selflessness. Ideally our spouses would do the same. But we cannot control them, only influence through righteous means (as listed in D&C 121 (long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, etc.), which can have a profound effect by way of example and by bringing the spirit into our lives.

 

My personal approach (or one of them). When my wife is upset at me (something I hate because I'm rather sensitive and insecure), I get to work -- dishes, cleaning the house, etc. Sometimes this temporarily makes her more frustrated, but in the long run our marriage has steadily improved. (Note: She has made great efforts as well. I am only giving one example that I do.)

 

We also have a no yelling rule. If and when one of us raises their voices (even not at each other, but like when grumbling at a project or something inanimate), we have, from day one, been able to say, "No yelling honey. That's against the rules." Because we established that from the start, and we know it, it generally helps (though there have been times it has made the other yell more...in which case the other must remain patient and then talk about it later when things have calmed down).

 

It's an ongoing effort and goes hand-in-hand with our levels of spirituality and righteousness.

 

(Another note: My wife and I do have, and always have had a very good relationship. I don't want it to come across like we fight all the time or something. But childish conflict occurs in the best of relationships.)

[Str8Shooter]

I said "support your answers" because I realized I asked a yes or no question and I desired more than a yes or a no.  So that's what I meant by that- you guys are doing great.

 

Very good replies and I thank you for them.  I like how the word "conflict" was used and the reference to 3 Nephi 11.

 

My opinion on the subject is this:  I believe that when people fight they invite the Devil into their homes and in turn push out God.  Disagreements will happen, but a couple that is truly one in purpose can resolve such things and almost always achieve unity.  I also believe that fighting is not acceptable and if it happens on a regular schedule it's something that needs to be addressed with outside help.  It's like building a mansion together then ripping it down to start all over again.

 

It grieves me to hear how many people fight in their relationships, especially when it deals with those who have been sealed in the temple.  (Vent alert!  Sorry)  I've gotten tired of people telling me about how they fought with their spouse and this and that and so on and so forth and then they look at me like they want me to join in the great spouse smackdown of 2014 or tell them "Yeah, I know."  Sometimes it makes for a very awkward silence because I refuse to participate.  When it's in a group setting it's really, really awkward.

 

I started the thread to see what some of the opinions of this forum were on the topic.  So far your replies have given me hope that there are people left on this earth that understand that disagreements can happen, but fighting is not acceptable, even if it is the norm.

 

I will say that I know of a few couples that have never fought.  They are so deeply in love that I know they are not lying.  It's love on a level that is truly Celestial and Christ-like.  I think it's a wonderful thing to aspire to and it's attainable here on this earth.

 

Again, I apologize for the vent.

[MarginOfError]

I spent a lot of time reading Gottman's work when I was studying communications theory.  In different research projects he described different elements that contribute to failed marriages.  Perhaps the most discriminating feature between relationships that fail and those that succeed is what he termed "contempt."  Relational partners that express contempt for the other almost always fail.  

 

What proved really interesting was that even in high conflict couples with lots of yelling and screaming, those that didn't express contempt usually succeeded.

 

When you put together the whole picture, the presence fighting and arguing aren't as much of the problem as how you fight and argue.  If you have compatible communication styles, you are likely to succeed.  If you're both screamers, you'll probably be okay.  If you're both people that have to "talk it out" right then and there, then you'll be okay.  

 

You get more problems when you have divergent communication styles.  For instance, a couple where one partner prefers to talk about conflict in the moment and one partner prefers to wait until emotions have cooled are more likely to have problems.  Tensions will escalate and more difficulty will follow if they can't negotiate some agreement of how to address conflict. 

 

So fighting and arguing is perfectly normal....for some couples.  And for some couples, it's suitably productive.  Thus, I would caution against a universal answer to the question, and instead, look at the individuals involved and see if their personal communication styles are working against themselves.

 

One last point to make though: If you want to avoid developing contempt, Gottman also observed that relationships in which the ratio for positive remarks to negative remarks was at least 5:1 were far less likely to fail.  If you want to avoid letting contempt into your relationship, you should make 5 complimentary remarks to your partner for every 1 critical remark.  

[Suzie]

My question to you all is this:  Do you feel that fighting and/or arguing is a normal part of a relationship?   Please support your answers.

 

I would say disagreements are a normal part of a relationship. However, the way people chooses to express those disagreements can or cannot be considered normal.

[Palerider]

I would say disagreements are a normal part of a relationship. However, the way people chooses to express those disagreements can or cannot be considered normal.

I agree...