Separated Woman and return missionary engaged?!?

[slc987]

Hi folks, I'll try and keep this as brief as possible. Looking for opinions and input on this situation.

In April of 2013, my Wife and partner of 9 years and I separated. We have two young children. Even before we physically separated, she expressed her desire to re marry one day and start a, "new family". She was very sure this would happen. Four months after separating, she began dating a return lds missionary. After three months of dating, she introduced this Man to our Children, on Thanksgiving, without my knowledge. One week after Thanksgiving they were engaged to be married. Since that time, my (still) Wife has had this Man in our Children's presence almost every day that our Children stay with her and has involved him in most family activities. (Side note,: children are with me the majority of the time) This man's family enables the relationship and they are all active members in the church, most of them with callings.

Although we do not communicate much, my Wife and I do attend most appts and school functions. She does have an engagement ring but does not wear it in my presence or at work.

The only information my Wife has provided me with about this man, which hasn't been much, was when I've asked. Over the past 10 months, I have tried to get her to allow me to meet this man, since they are planning on getting married and he spends a lot of time around my children, she refused.

Ultimately, I am concerned for my Children. Their Father and Mother separated and their Mother became engaged (while still married)in the same year. This is still all very new to them and I fear what the future will bring because of the poor choices that have been made.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and may heavenly Father bless you and your families.

[pam]

Maybe she hasn't told him she is still officially married and that's why she doesn't want to introduce you two.

[FunkyTown]

It's clear your wife has moved on. I would do the same. Trust that she wouldn't endanger your children regardless of your personal feelings for one another.

 

Get the divorce done as cleanly as possible. Wish your wife well. Apologize to your kids and make sure your children understand it was both your failings that led to the divorce. Bad-mouthing does not work and will not make your children feel good.

[slc987]

I actually have moved on, appropriately. Counseling, time to myself, focusing on my children. Understand, I do not wish to reconcile with my Wife. As far as bad mouthing, I have never bad mouthed my children's mother to them. She on the other hand, bad mouths me to the Children constantly.

[PolarVortex]

I like Dr. Laura's rule: no dating while you're legally married, especially if kids are in the picture.  But you can't control other people.

 

I would approach your wife and tell her that she's setting a bad example for the children by failing to uphold and honor marriage.  If she shrugs you off, I would talk to her parents and tell them the same thing in a respectful, constructive way.  Ask them to help get the divorce accomplished swiftly, if necessary.

 

If they all blow you off, I would then tell your kids that their mother is doing something you think is wrong, but that you'll try to stay on the best terms possible with her for the kids' sake.  Get through the divorce and then start rebuilding your life and let the past go.  Limit your relationship to your former wife and her new husband to only things that are connected to the kids' welfare.

 

I agree with FunkyTown's advice about bad-mouthing.  My father was a terrible alcoholic and did many awful things to my mother.  He pawned her jewelry to get cash for beer.  He abandoned her and me and never sent a dime of alimony or child support, and this was back in the days when employers could legally pay women less then men for the same job.  For my entire childhood, my mother never said a bad word about my father and simply let his acts speak for themselves.  Because of her wisdom and refusal to start warfare against my father and his side of the family, I had a fairly decent relationship with all the relatives on both sides of my family... at least with the ones who didn't commit suicide or die of alcoholism, sadly. 

 

The thought of a blended family with stepchildren and stepparents may scare you, but my mom later married a nice man who I grew to love more than I did my biological father.  (My stepbrothers not so much, but they were usually in jail so I didn't see them a lot.)

 

Wishing you strength for the journey... and never defocus from the good things in your life, like your kids.  May Heavenly Father bless you and your families, too. 

[Str8Shooter]

You say that you were physically separated. Were you legally separated as well?

I am sorry that this had happened to you. The only advice I have is to guard your faith, always take the high road, protect your children the best you can, get a good lawyer, and endure.

You can make it through. It will take time, but you can make it if you keep the faith.

[slc987]

Utah actually doesn't have, "legal separation". We are still legally married to the fullest extent.

[Leah]

Utah actually doesn't have, "legal separation". We are still legally married to the fullest extent.

I have never understood why some (a lot) people think that just because they moved out of the house, they are now magically single and available. If there hasn't been a divorce, then you are still married. But people like to ignore facts when they get in the way of their selfishness.

Your wife is setting a terrible example for the children. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do about how she chooses to use her agency. You can, however, continue to do the right thing and set a correct example for your children of how to live correct principles. They wii notice.

[Just_A_Guy]

Funkytown and Leah speak wisdom.  Yes, your wife is doing wrong.  But you need to learn to let go.  You cannot and will not have input on every. single. person. in your wife's social circle and whether/when those individuals are permitted to meet the children.  It just isn't going to happen; and your insistence that it does suggests to me that--contra what you yourself believe--you really haven't "moved on" as much as you think you have.  My experience is that "it's

 

Now, in lots of divorce decrees that I draft, I will throw in a provision that there should be no overnight visitors of the opposite gender when the children are in the house.  Utah judges will often sign decrees like that, and that can provide some measure of comfort; but a number of my colleagues are pretty sure that such provisions are technically unconstitutional and would probably go down in flames if contested or appealed.

 

Finish the divorce (assuming you can agree on a custody arrangement that works for you), love your children, and thank your lucky stars she's got someone new.  Means you won't have to pay her alimony.

Edited September 12, 2014 by Just_A_Guy

[Wingnut]

You cannot and will not have input on every. single. person. in your wife's social circle and whether/when those individuals are permitted to meet the children.  It just isn't going to happen;

 

I agree.  I also think, though, that the OP is entitled to meet his wife's new beau, considering that she's apparently engaged and will have access to the children.  He may not approve of the fiance, but he deserves to be allowed to meet him.

[Guest]

Not ideal circumstances, to be sure, but assuming he's still living his beliefs, she could be dating much worse than a returned missionary (though I do agree she shouldn't be dating at all, but there's little to nothing you can do about that).

[Leah]

Not ideal circumstances, to be sure, but assuming he's still living his beliefs, she could be dating much worse than a returned missionary (though I do agree she shouldn't be dating at all, but there's little to nothing you can do about that).

The "returned missionary" label is meaningless in this instance, IMO. A returned missionary should know better than to date a married woman. The fact that someone once served a mission is no guarantee that they are currently living a moral life, and this guy clearly is not. There are plenty of guys who never served a mission who have better morals than this guy.

[kapikui]

The "returned missionary" label is meaningless in this instance, IMO. A returned missionary should know better than to date a married woman. The fact that someone once served a mission is no guarantee that they are currently living a moral life, and this guy clearly is not. There are plenty of guys who never served a mission who have better morals than this guy.

Assuming she isn't lying to him about her marital status. That would explain her other behavior.

[Backroads]

I'm curious as to what "returned missionary" means. How long has he been a returned missionary?

[slc987]

Funkytown and Leah speak wisdom.  Yes, your wife is doing wrong.  But you need to learn to let go.  You cannot and will not have input on every. single. person. in your wife's social circle and whether/when those individuals are permitted to meet the children.  It just isn't going to happen; and your insistence that it does suggests to me that--contra what you yourself believe--you really haven't "moved on" as much as you think you have.  My experience is that "it's

 

Now, in lots of divorce decrees that I draft, I will throw in a provision that there should be no overnight visitors of the opposite gender when the children are in the house.  Utah judges will often sign decrees like that, and that can provide some measure of comfort; but a number of my colleagues are pretty sure that such provisions are technically unconstitutional and would probably go down in flames if contested or appealed.

 

Finish the divorce (assuming you can agree on a custody arrangement that works for you), love your children, and thank your lucky stars she's got someone new.  Means you won't have to pay her alimony.

I am just interested in getting opinions about the situation from other LDS people. I have a fantastic attorney. Alimony? I have been my children's primary care taker their whole lives. If anyone was to pay alimony, it would not be me, but thanks.

[slc987]

I'm curious as to what "returned missionary" means. How long has he been a returned missionary?

Eight years

[Backroads]

Eight years

 

I wonder if he is still clinging to his beliefs, then, or if he just is using the label.

[Just_A_Guy]

Alimony? I have been my children's primary care taker their whole lives. If anyone was to pay alimony, it would not be me, but thanks.

 

Famous last words . . .

[NeuroTypical]

I actually have moved on, appropriately. Counseling, time to myself, focusing on my children. Understand, I do not wish to reconcile with my Wife. As far as bad mouthing, I have never bad mouthed my children's mother to them. She on the other hand, bad mouths me to the Children constantly.

 

slc987, I'm sorry you're going through this, and I understand your very appropriate concern for your kids.  But nobody's buying your claims here, and you shouldn't try to convince yourself they're true either.

 

Of course you haven't moved on.  You're still married.

 

Of course you're bad mouthing your wife.  When you say "She on the other hand, bad mouths me to the Children constantly", that's an example of what bad mouthing looks like.  

 

Blessings and peace, brother.  Do what is in the best interests of the children.  I'm sorry.

[classylady]

My husband received full custody of his two very young children when he divorced his ex-wife. What he learned, is that he had no say in his ex-wife's personal life. She had been excommunicated and lived a very promiscuous lifestyle. He would worry about the environment his ex was subjecting the children to. He had to learn to let it go and let his ex live her life (she was never abusive to the children). The ex remarried twice. My husband never met the new men in her life until after she was married. And, it was never a formal introduction-just a short glimpse of the new husband as the children were either dropped off or picked up for visitation. The children are now adults-in their mid 30's. They turned out fine. Both served full time missions and are still active in the church. They love their mother. They love their dad. That is how it should be. They were able to choose for themselves what kind of lifestyle they wanted to follow. They chose to be active members of the church.

 

When you think about it, what can you do after meeting the new fiancé? Nothing! As long as he is not abusive there is nothing you can do. It doesn't matter if you approve of him or not. It is your wife's decision, not yours. She may not be going about it in the way that you or I would approve, but it is her life, and she has the right to live it the way she sees fit.

 

Also, with the new fiancé's family enabling the relationship, what are they supposed to do? Not invite her to family functions? Should they exclude her? Should they say to the young man, "you may attend, but do not bring your fiancé." They, too, may not approve of the relationship (because she is not legally divorced, or they may not even be bothered by it) but it sounds like they are a loving family and are trying to support the young man. I would want my children to be around people who are loving and supportive. I always told my step-children, they are lucky/blessed to have so many bonus parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and half-siblings who love them.

Edited September 15, 2014 by classylady