Backroads Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 So I suddenly find myself between two passionate people having an argument with two different mind sets. As in, there is zero understanding of where the either is coming from.I find myself becoming the mediator... and I'm just not interested. It's just too stressful. When is it okay to just back out? Traveler 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PolarVortex Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 When your presence and participation would hurt you or others more than it would help. Next question? Backroads, Jane_Doe and AngelMarvel 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted December 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 The thing is, my presence does help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 But if it's stressing you out too much, you don't have to do it. You don't need permission or a reason to stop, either, Just, "This isn't working for me. You guys need to work it out on your own." They'll either do that, or find someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane_Doe Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 Ultimately it is their responsibility to work it out. If you want to / are able to help, then you can. But if you don't want to then by no means do you have to. Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 So I suddenly find myself between two passionate people having an argument with two different mind sets. As in, there is zero understanding of where the either is coming from.I find myself becoming the mediator... and I'm just not interested. It's just too stressful.When is it okay to just back out?I'd say immediately. I don't mean to be callous to the pain of their disagreement, but it's not your problem. They didn't ask you to be their mediator, and God didn't appoint you to the position. (And even if they did ask you, that doesn't bind you to accept the position.) So you're there solely because you have taken it upon yourself. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. Backroads and AngelMarvel 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PolarVortex Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 The thing is, my presence does help. But you also said it was stressful. I'm a big fan of taking care of yourself. I would look at the nature of the argument. If your friends are fighting over which baseball team is the best, or whether the Keystone pipeline should be built, or whether Hillary should run in 2016, then I'd leave them to duke it out on their own. But if they are in a serious disagreement over something more important, like whether the LDS Church is true or whether someone should get a divorce or have an abortion, then I wouldn't hesitate to step in and ask if I could help... on fair terms that don't create stress for me. I think the other comments above are correct: you're under no obligation to assume this role. But if I can bring healing, repair, or reconciliation to any situation, I would try to find a way to do that or at least ask if I can help. And I would expect the same from my best friends if I were one of the combatants. Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LiterateParakeet Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 It's really tough to give advice not knowing more about the nature of the problem (I'm not asking for details, just clarifying). I agree with what the others have said, particularly what PolarVortex said about weighing the nature of the disagreement. It they are arguing about politics, feel free to back out--like that Facebook meme "Not my circus, not my monkeys" But if it is a husband and wife and divorce is on the line then it might be better to try and help even if it is stressful. I say "might" because maybe their Bishop or a counselor would be a better mediator. You are right, being a mediator is very stressful...depending on the stakes it can be fun or very taxing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PolarVortex Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 (edited) Oh, and one other thing: I refuse to mediate disputes between or among heirs who are fighting over the division of an estate and the distribution of the deceased person's household goods. These disputes explode with a blast radius of several miles. It's like swimming in sulfuric acid. I just observed this process after an aunt passed away, and we had to physically separate people who kept getting into fistfights over stupid things, like who got the aunt's uneaten food. And if you are reading this and are not already dead: it's an act of kindness to spell out your will in extreme detail. Edited December 16, 2014 by PolarVortex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 Love others as you love yourself... Your love for others needs to be balanced to your love of yourself. Therefore, if loving others by continuing the mediation hurts yourself, then things are out of balance. If loving yourself by staying out of the mediation hurts others, then things are out of balance... But, the choices on how to Love others and yourself are not limited to staying on as mediator and backing out as mediator... there's a million other ways to help out these warring individuals while maintaining the balance. You can do like the Catholic Nuns did in the Edsa Revolution - they just lined up between the military and the protesting people passing food and water between the two... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 I wholeheartedly agree with "Not your problem." It comes to a point where your well-being becomes more important than trying to create common ground between two people. Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 So I suddenly find myself between two passionate people having an argument with two different mind sets. As in, there is zero understanding of where the either is coming from.I find myself becoming the mediator... and I'm just not interested. It's just too stressful.When is it okay to just back out? At any time. Tell them that they're both idiots (seriously) and walk away (done this many times). But then, I'm not a nice guy. Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted December 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 Last time I was in the middle of an argument of such magnitude I wound up requiring a blessing because of the stress. I was literally in a "tell so n so I say this". This time it's the same model with two sides speaking two different languages unable to "seek first to understand". I told myself last time never again, and I fear it's coming to that level. I shall back out. Bini and Jane_Doe 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest intra Posted December 16, 2014 Report Share Posted December 16, 2014 surely it is error to say the children of God should not mediate disputes: Blessed are the peacemakers:for they shall be called the children of God.(Matthew 5:9) but it is foolish to think that the Word of God is peace on earth: Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.(Matthew 10:34-36)if there is dispute between believers, we ought all to encourage unity in Christ. I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment.(1 Corinthians 1:10)if there is dispute among the fallen world, stand for the Truth, and get wisdom: Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go:Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.(Proverbs 24:25) Backroads and Just_A_Guy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted December 17, 2014 Report Share Posted December 17, 2014 (edited) Proverbs 22:10 Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease. Matthew 5:37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Titus 3:9 But avoid foolish questions, and genealogies, and contentions, and strivings about the law; for they are unprofitable and vain. Edited December 17, 2014 by slamjet Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Traveler Posted December 17, 2014 Report Share Posted December 17, 2014 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Jesus is also know for being a mediator. As a mediator he is also know as the advocate, Your role should give you insights into him, his mission and his sacrifice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy Posted December 17, 2014 Report Share Posted December 17, 2014 So I suddenly find myself between two passionate people having an argument with two different mind sets. As in, there is zero understanding of where the either is coming from.I find myself becoming the mediator... and I'm just not interested. It's just too stressful.When is it okay to just back out?Right away. One thing that is vital to remember is the definition of Understand. un-der-stand verb: to know the meaning of (something, such as the words that someone is saying or a language. to know how (something) works or happens to know how (someone) thinks, feels, or behaves.Often the word understand is used in place of agree with. When someone is explaining their point of view to me, and they say: Do you understand what I am saying? I counter with: I comprehend what you are saying. Yes, I understand - but I do not agree with you. I see this differently. If the person gets hot and passionate then I politely back out of the conversation. Either by saying that we need to agree to disagree. Or that I see his point of view, but I do not agree with it, and let's put this conversation to rest. Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted December 17, 2014 Report Share Posted December 17, 2014 If the person gets hot and passionate then I politely back out of the conversation. Either by saying that we need to agree to disagree. Or that I see his point of view, but I do not agree with it, and let's put this conversation to rest. When people do this to me, I see it as undisguised passive aggression. What it is saying to me is, in essence, "If you have an opinion that dissents from mine and you show any passion in that opinion, I don't want to talk to you." If the person is ranting and raving, that's different. So this is possibly a matter of understanding what "hot and passionate" means in this context. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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