I honestly do not know what to do any more....

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Well, I think a question you should ask yourself is: How have things changed over the past couple of months?


Has it gone from slapping, kicking, destruction of your property to her saying she hates you and her destroying her own property? And is that improvement?


I would probably say yes it is improvement (from physical abuse to emotional abuse . . . .), but no one here knows the entirety of the situation. Is that improvement enough to keep trying? Only God and you knows.


The next question is if it is improvement, how did you get that improvement, i.e. what steps did you specifically take to help feed that improvement? Did you stand your ground when she starting getting violent, did you remove yourself from the situation, etc, did she have some consequences for throwing immature tantrums?


I personally wouldn't have bought her another ring . . .you flushed it, you deal with it. I personally would go for a nice walk if I was being told I was hated. It is a power struggle, she wants to exercise power over you and as I've learned with kids the best way to not have a power struggle is just not to engage in one :-).


But that's my 2 cents.

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Don't expect her to change. Really, don't. She might be playing along for a moment- heck, maybe she really IS trying to be different, but it will always go back to square one unless she get some serious counseling. I also have to agree you may be suffering from co-dependency. I was engaged to a man who didn't treat me well, but I made excuses for him because "I loved him", and hoped he would change overtime, thinking that maybe I needed to fix myself- that maybe I was the one causing him to be that way. It was when my best friend sat down with me and talked to me about co-dependency my eyes opened up and I was able to leave. Thankfully we were not married.

The way she treats you is absolutely unacceptable. She is abusing you. You are NOT the reason why she is doing this. This is her own problem she needs to work through. Sure, a marriage isn't perfect, and you will always have your flaws, but there is NO excuse for her behavior. I know my husband would have flown out that door from the start had I treated him the way she treats you. 

I understand she's your wife. You love her. You cling onto hope. You envision the future to be bright with her changed and being a good mom. You see yourselves past all of this and thinking it was just a phase. But I promise you, it will NOT go away on its own. 

I also recommend she get a hormone panel (it's just a simple blood test). I too had emotional outbursts (not quite as severe as your wife), only to find out later my hormones were way off. As soon as I started getting treated for them to get back on track, things changed for me. How is she taking care of herself? Does she have weight issues? Does she exercise? Eat well? 

Anyway, stop blaming yourself. Her behavior is not okay.

One more piece of advice: Do not demand respect. Don't point your finger at her, don't raise your voice at her, and don't get superior with her when she talks down to you. You're not "bigger" than her. Remain calm, or walk away if you are unable to do so. Go for a drive if she follows you around. Tell her you don't appreciate the way you're being talked to, and you'll be willing to talk when you've both cooled off.  If she throws a tantrum, so be it. If she breaks your items, go somewhere else for the night- or the next few days. Don't tolerate that behavior, and don't give in if she apologizes and begs for forgiveness. Stand your ground. Also, instead of saying, "You NEED to do this", or "You SHOULD do this", say, "It would mean a lot to me if you (insert request)." Telling her what she needs and should do will only get her on defense.

I really, really, want to say leave this marriage soon. Especially, and I mean especially before children. Having a child is no easy feat and it will only further harm a suffering marriage. But I see you want to work this out, so I urge you to pray together as a couple. Really pray. Seek advice from your bishop, and get into counseling soon. I'm sorry this has been so hard for both of you. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Gotta love Joan de Arc, either she was a saint of the Lord or she was just an incredible warwoman. You know she was 13 when she led her first unit? Incredible. She's been my hero forever.


That being said.

Yeah, counseling sounds good....

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