Decided to pray to God to change my mind

[kapikui]

You do realize that men aren't the only ones that have feelings right?  Some studies say that significantly more women cheat than do men, it's just that women are vastly better at not getting caught.  The thing you have to understand is that men are aroused by viewing an attractive woman.  Women don't find physical attractiveness to be the primary motivator to arousal.  They are more aroused by men who would be able to provide security, safety and status.  This means money, power, stability etc instead of looks.

 

There are reasons that both men and women are inclined to cheat.  Though we have been commanded not to cheat, we have also been programmed to do so.

 

Our first commandment was to multiply and replenish the earth.  This is the most important possible commandment.  It was so important that unlike other commandments where we are told to deny our natures and obey them, the mandate to multiply and replenish the earth is something that is wound into our very natures. Even the most vile sinners, indeed especially the most vile sinners tend to engage in reproductive activity.  That is how massively important that particular commandment is.  

 

Giving reproduction this level of importance gives God a couple of advantages.  First it gives us something to overcome.  Second it gives assures that no matter what there will be a continuation of the society. 

 

Why do you suppose we use the phrase "Women and children first?"  It isn't because we just feel that women and children are more delicate.  It is because in a total disaster we can repopulate with only a few males.  Women take 9 months to produce offspring, with a break required in between, 20 or so births is about the maximum, with a practical limit much lower. Men, given sufficient women, can produce hundreds of offspring.  If you look at historical examples, nearly every time a particular society has needed a population explosion it has turned to polygamy.  Literally hundreds of societies in human history would have gone extinct if men were not programmed to be interested in more than one woman at a time.

 

There is also a genetic advantage to cheating.  The phrase "sewing your wild oats" doesn't just refer to promiscuous behavior. Females can engage in behavior that is similar, but only males can "sew wild oats", as the female is the fertile soil in which the wild oats are to grow.  Traditionally a young male would travel a bit and engage in some fun. This would result in his DNA being spread around to other villages, deepening the gene pool. 

 

Females also have some motivation to cheat, particularly with someone sewing his wild oats.  It increases the genetic diversity in her area and reduces the chances of a genetic problem with her offspring, increasing the number of offspring she has that reach adulthood.

 

Now anciently no one knew about genetics, but the programing exists because it is beneficial to us.  God gave us this programming because it was needed.

 

You seem to be in an insanely small minority, because not only do nearly all men feel the occasional sexual attraction to those with whom they are not in a relationship, but from everything I've read, a majority of women do too.  After all, if they didn't, no woman would ever cheat, and we all know they do. Women just have a different criteria for what causes them to want to cheat.

[theSQUIDSTER]

I can't afford professional counseling, unemployed atm.  I don't know if it would help though since I don't have a disorder like depression, etc.  But I am still praying about it.  I know I can't do this on my own but God does call us to marry and have eternal families so I think He has the power to change me.  I don't want to get my hopes up TOO much, maybe it's just my imagination, but thinking about men's attraction to other women has actually been bothering me LESS since I started praying about it.  It's like it still bothers me and seems inappropriate, but for some reason the accompanying shock and horror that usually follow seem greatly diminished.  I am VERY new in the church - if I wanted to talk to someone in the church about it who should I talk to?  The Relief Society president?  I am embarrassed about this also since I know my views are very unconventional.

 

 

It sounds to me like your prayers are working.  Have you fasted about this as well?  Fasting is a powerful way to draw upon the blessings of heaven.

 

Dear Sister, I hope you can find the comfort and strength you seek.  It would be very sad if you felt like you were unable to be healed in this life and had to give up the blessings of marriage and having your own family in mortality.  Please understand that you are not wrong to hope and pray for a spouse who will honor you with complete fidelity... one day.  But in various ways, even when we make temple covenants, we ALL still fall short of what we're striving to be.  The natural man is a powerful force within each of us, but it's worth striving to conquer because we're building spiritual "muscles" ... becoming more like our Heavenly Parents and our older Brother, our Savior.  None of us are there yet. But it's what we're working for. 

 

Men and women have various "natural" biological challenges in this life and part of our spiritual growth depends on the complimentary strengths that we have and offer to our spouse as "helpmeets".  What seems to you a "weakness" now in yourself might be transformed by the Lord into a great strength that could be shared with a worthy man.  How great a blessing and what a rare jewel a virtuous woman is!  

 

Perhaps what is required is some perceptual balance and increased confidence in yourself, your significant other and the Lord.  Just because a boyfriend or husband see other women walking by them, doesn't necessarily have to mean that you're doomed to always worry that some woman or girl is going to steal them away.  Sin is always a possibility, but it's never been the Lord's plan that we live in fear of the sins that might happen, or the victims to sin that we might become...  The atonement covers all such things... not just forgiveness of sins but healing from infirmities caused by sin and the natural man and our fallen natures that we're striving to overcome.  It is inevitable that each of us are going to get hurt in some ways as well as hurt others in some ways.  It's not excusable... but it IS why the atonement was made for each of us..  How terrible was it that the man Peter betrayed his best friend, Jesus Christ?  It was indeed a terrible thing.  Betrayal always is.  But, happily, Jesus freely forgave Peter and prayed for him.  ... and, as a result,.... Peter found the strength to repent ... and look at what a splendid and powerful prophet of God Peter became!  The same promise is there and available to each of us:   NOT to be defined by our failings, sins and our fears, but to become who we REALLY are.. sons and daughters of the Lord of the Universe.. magnificent and in His very image even if we continue in faith.

Edited May 14, 2015 by theSQUIDSTER

[EragonPaolini]

Hi Kapikui, yes you're right some women cheat as well which is very inappropriate of them.  That is interesting what you wrote about how men are able to produce so much offspring.

 

Squidster thanks for your encouraging comments.  I think I was a bit premature in thinking it doesn't bother me as much.  The thing is that when you are constantly asking yourself "okay so does this issue bother you" you feel pressured and you can't really get an answer.  At least that has been the case for me when I keep second guessing myself and asking myself how I feel about something.  I can't really work out how I feel if I keep badgering myself about it.  But at the end of the day when I ask myself if I am interested in dating in the future I still get a strong sense of discomfort so I think it's safe to say that this issue does bother me.

 

In the past I believed that morally sound people who got into relationships' attraction to other people automatically turned off and I now know that is not the case.  If such a relationship is impossible which I am forced to believe with what I have read about men's biological programming, I do not want to date.  How can I explain it, it just wouldn't feel right, I wouldn't be able to feel that the man was true to me and fully open up my heart to him knowing that he still felt some sort of way around other women.

[Bini]

It could all be word play but I would term it as finding a man good looking versus being attracted to him. Like I said, probably just word play, but the word "attract" to me implies I'm being lured into something. I can honestly say that since being married I have not been attracted to another man but can certainly pick out good looking ones. I got to meet Norman Reedus this year and he's a good looking man, but I'm not attracted to him in the sense that I'm lured in. So yeh, maybe word play here.

[askandanswer]

 If I could press a button to make myself forget about this information, I would do it.  

 

  

[theSQUIDSTER]

EragonPaolini,

 

I feel for you.  Don't berate or belittle yourself over this in your own mind.  For what ever reason you're unable to simply let go of this.  It's easy for others who don't struggle with it to say, "Just let it go."  Intellectually, you already know and would like to do this.  But for whatever emotional reasons, you find yourself unable to do so even though you know you should and really want to.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  Keep close to the Lord and continue to pour out your heart to Him on this.  Trust Him.  He will nudge you in the right direction on this.  Perhaps the persistent nature of this concern belies its seemingly simple solution to "just let it go."  There's probably something crucial for you to learn in this painful experience.  There has to be a deep-rooted reason for why you can't just shrug this away.  Trust in the Lord to help you find it.  I don't know how long it will take.  What I do know is that the blessings of spouse and family are worth the struggle!  Take courage in the words of Mother Eve, who was the first to choose to give up the comfort of the Garden of Eden and trade it for the discomfort of mortality which ultimately made way for and allowed for greater blessings and joy.

 

Also, have you considered asking for a priesthood blessing?  Is there a priesthood holder that you trust and could confide in and seek counsel from?  The most obvious candidate would probably be your bishop.  If that seems too daunting then perhaps you could talk with your Relief Society President first and see what she suggests.  As others have already suggested, professional counseling might benefit you.  Depending on where you live there may even be LDS professionals that you could counsel with.  Please, be prayerful about this as well. 

Edited May 14, 2015 by theSQUIDSTER

[Pa Pa]

Over 3 years ago, I found out that when men are in relationships, they are still attracted to other women. This bothers me so much that I have decided to stay single for life. However, I do want to be in a relationship. Yesterday I had the idea that maybe I should pray to God about it. After all, He created men the way they were AND he calls us to marriage. I am praying that He will change my mind so that when I think about the fact that men are still going to be attracted to other women, I no longer see it as perverse and immoral. I would like to see it as a normal and acceptable thing as other women do. This is the 2nd day I have prayed about it. I believe God is the only one who can help because I have already heard all the arguments why attraction to others is okay and I still feel like it is a terrible and inappropriate thing.

It is because we are still attracted that makes comitmiment so meaningful. There must be opposition in "all" things.

[EragonPaolini]

Bini, that's great that after you were married you did not feel attracted to other men.  That is great of you.  I don't necessarily think you have to be lured in to be attracted though.  For example, when I walk past handsome guys I feel attracted to them while they are walking by but I don't plan to go talk to them or anything.  With that said I find it to be unacceptable for men who are already in relationships to feel any sort of way when walking past pretty women other than making an observation that they happen to be good looking.

 

Squidster, Thank you SO much for your kind words.  I actually am so overwhelmed over asking myself over and over "Say you are with a man and he is attracted to others, does this bother you" that I can barely figure out how I feel.  Sometimes when I think about things and keep pressuring myself to answer a question it doesn't come to me.  To test it out I said to myself "Imagine you are with a man and he just kissed another woman" and even THAT didn't bring any feelings of discomfort.  I think I'm just pressuring myself too much.  But I think it's safe to assume this issue still bothers the objective me.  Yes I think at some point when I have my head on straight I will try to talk to the relief society president although this is very embarrassing.

 

Papa, yes I know that a lot of people would actually have even more respect for their husbands if they were attracted to other women and didn't act on it.  However, I happen to feel that attraction is inappropriate to begin with and should not be happening.  I guess staying single isn't the end of the world though.  I have after all been single for over 3 years and it's probably just something I have to accept due to my viewpoint.

[EragonPaolini]

I had posted another thread about how it bothered me for over 3 years that men are attracted to other women in a relationship.  I suspected that God was starting to change how I felt 2 days after I started praying about it, but I kept second guessing myself, asking myself, are you SURE you feel this way? over and over to the point that I got very confused and didn't know how I felt.

 

What I DO know is that I had this thought "A man may be attracted to other women for a few seconds, but it would be you he really cared about".  My first reaction to this thought was a feeling of peace and feeling like I would feel comfortable being in a relationship.  Now, I had heard people say this to me many times over the years, but my mind and heart responded, "OK, sure, but it still bothers me that he's attracted to them, even if it's me that he loves and wants to be with."

 

Before I wrote this, I read something about how men are genetically programmed to desire more than one woman.  My first reaction to this was a feeling of relief and understanding.  Like this is okay.  I understand.  I had also heard this one hundreds of times and every time I heard it my feeling was, "That may be the case and they are hardwired this way and can't help it, but it still bothers me and seems terribly wrong."

 

Perhaps instead of second guessing myself over and over and accusing myself of not really feeling OK with this, I should accept that Heavenly Father is responding to my prayers and trying to change how I feel because I did pray to Him several times asking Him to somehow make me feel okay with this and be able to marry someday which is what He commands us to do.

 

On a positive note, I just got hired as a Safeway clerk today so I'll be starting work there in a few days.

[askandanswer]

It certainly sounds as if your prayers are being answered. It can take humility, faith and courage to set aside our old beliefs and open ourselves up to new ideas and understanding that may be contrary to our previous understandings. I pray that you will have the faith, humility and courage that is needed. I also hope that this will become a faith building experience for you as you look back on this experience and remember it as a time when you prayed to God and He answered. 

[Still_Small_Voice]

Congratulations on leaving unemployment.  Work diligently and efficiently.  Listen to your trainers.  Be a team player and help your co-workers and customers all you can.  Make an excellent first impression.

 

I think things will work out with you in time if you continue to listen to God.