Attending Church

[An Investigator]

Hi,

 

Was just looking for a bit of advice really,  As you  all know I have started to attend Church, the ward is quite small so its quite hard to remain anonymous and nearly everyone is pretty much related to one another.  I enjoy going to church but I find the whole not being able to sit at the back thing quite nerve racking, I was just wondering if there were any converts who had any advice or anything.    

 

Thanks and happy new year.

Edited January 1, 2016 by An Investigator

[NeuroTypical]

Oh, it has nothing to do with the size of your ward.  Large or small, we all have a nose for the new guy, and are genetically geared to show up, pump your hand, and learn about you.  I remember going through it back in 1996, and then again every time we moved.

 

I advise you do what worked for me - be transparent, honest, and brief.  "Hi there, I'm [so and so], I'm an investigator - just wanting to sit in the back."

 

I haven't read your story in your other posts, but it will also help them to know you already have access to someone to bounce questions off of.  If you're already working with a missionary, or you've got an LDS buddy, or there's a certain family you talk to, tell them that.  "I'm good - the Johnsons are great people and are consistently love bombing me with dinners and whatnot.  Just happy to be here.  If I have any questions, can I ask you?"

 

I think of this more as an introvert vs. extrovert thing, not necessarily an investigator vs overfriendly mormons thing.  Because here I am, active for almost two decades now, and I still sometimes find it difficult to just sit by myself in the back.

Edited January 1, 2016 by NeuroTypical

[An Investigator]

Thanks for you reply,  Oh I think you are totally right, its more of an Introvert thing then size of ward etc.. before I started attending I used to go to a mega Church for a while which was brill for an introvert, show up a couple of minutes before the start, sit right at the back, leave when the last hymn was being sung.  I do prefer attending an LDS church, all that Christian Rock and hand waving isn't really my thing.

 

I am seeing Missionaries and have a friend but they attend a different ward to me.   I will just have to see how it goes, I am sure It will get better after I have attended for a while, just got to keep going till then.

[David13]

I think there's more to this church than show up at the last minute and then be the first to leave.

There is the fellowship, and then the classes.  And the dinners, and the other various events, and home teaching and a dozen or more other things.

So if you are looking for a go on Sunday in and out, then maybe this is not the right church for you.

I was a Catholic as  child, and that's kind of how they do it.  One hour mass on Sunday, in and out and nothing more.

I like this church because it is far more than that.

They have told me it's a family, and they take care of each other, and thus they need to get to know each other.  And that includes me.  They also drop by to visit me a lot. 

Maybe you are looking in the wrong place.

dc

 

I will admit tho', that I think I may be an extrovert.  In church or even visiting another ward, I arrive early and stand by the door to meet and greet everyone that comes in.

Edited January 1, 2016 by David13

[zil]

Investigator, I'm not a convert (in the way you mean, anyway, was born in the Church), but I think NeuroTypical has given some good ideas.  I think saying that you're really _more comfortable_ sitting in the back and listening on your own is perfectly OK.  (Who can argue with "I'm more comfortable..."?)

 

Also, it's OK, especially at this stage, for you to go to church with your friend or them to go with you (or _both_ - though that's a long day).  I do think it's good for you to get to know the members with whom you would be attending church if you decide to continue, but going with your friend once in a while is OK too.
 

... we all have a nose for the new guy...

 
Look at the avatar of the guy who posted this!
 

I think of this more as an introvert vs. extrovert thing, not necessarily an investigator vs overfriendly mormons thing.

 
Yes, lots of people don't understand what makes an introvert / extrovert, and lots of introverts don't realize that's what they are (cuz the world tries to make them think it's something else).  Don't want to threadjack, but if anyone on this thread wants links to some videos with details, let me know.
 

Because here I am, active for almost two decades now, and I still sometimes find it difficult to just sit by myself in the back.

I'm confused.  Don't they have chairs in the back?  I have an assigned seat: last cushy chair on the right (as you're facing east). :)

Edited January 1, 2016 by zil

[An Investigator]

I don't think I am in the wrong place David 13 nor am I looking for somewhere I can run worship and leave, I did mention in my post that I prefer THIS CHURCH to the one I had previously attended, I had been attending loads of different Churches looking for I didn't know what at the time, I think its because I like this one that makes me even more timid.    Sometimes people cant help their pre disposition for what they find comfortable, I have always been more a book then party person, was just looking for some tips to cope with it when it becomes a bit over whelming that is all.   I was also raised a Catholic btw.   Thanks for your reply.

Edited January 1, 2016 by An Investigator

[zil]

I think there's more to this church than show up at the last minute and then be the first to leave.

There is the fellowship, and then the classes.  And the dinners, and the other various events, and home teaching and a dozen or more other things.

So if you are looking for a go on Sunday in and out, then maybe this is not the right church for you.

I was a Catholic as  child, and that's kind of how they do it.  One hour mass on Sunday, in and out and nothing more.

I like this church because it is far more than that.

They have told me it's a family, and they take care of each other, and thus they need to get to know each other.  And that includes me.  They also drop by to visit me a lot. 

Maybe you are looking in the wrong place.

dc

 

Investigator - you're not looking in the wrong place!  I'm an extreme introvert.  For us, we just have to understand what that means, how to manage our interactions, and sometimes teach others what it means.  I was born in the church and have been active my whole life, so it's entirely possible for an introvert to be comfortable and a full participant in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  We just manage it a bit differently from extroverts.

 

David,

 

While all true, for an introvert, all that at once causes anxiety (and not a by-choice anxiety, but a chemical reaction to the stimulation of interacting with other people - especially strangers in an unstructured situation (frequently called socializing)).  Once our investigator friend is comfortable with the location, and with the routine, and how classes work - with class participation, etc., then he can feel more comfortable attending activities, interacting with people whose faces will then be familiar (as he's seen them talk or teach on Sunday), etc..

 

Now I'm not saying he shouldn't work his way up to full participation - without that, one is limiting one's blessings and not giving the service they ought.  I'm just saying that depending on how introverted you are (which is not a choice, and isn't the same as "shy", just to be clear), you need to ease into this kind of thing.

 

Also, the "drop by to visit me a lot" is actually not hard on an introvert (as long as it isn't a mob of mostly strangers every day, twice a day).  I assume you're referring to Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching - where two people come you your home and chat and share a gospel message (and help you out when you need it, etc.).  For an introvert, this is ideal interaction - only two people, and the same two people each time - it can become a deep friendship (which is the kind of friendship introverts are most comfortable with).

 

It's large groups, extended duration, and frequently repeated, that over-stimulate an introvert.

 

Investigator: This coming Sunday will be great for you, IMO.  It's fast and testimony meeting (1st Sunday of the month), so you should see lots of people getting up and bearing their testimonies - thus introducing you to their faces and voices, if not their names!  Make an effort to attend, it'll be a good experience, I think.

[An Investigator]

Wow Zil no one has ever described myself like that ever.. its certainly not something I can control.   You are so right having people in twos or threes in my own personal space doesn't bother me at all.    In fact I have been inviting people I like from Church to come to mine for dinner then I can meet them and it its not scary.

 

I think one of the main things is because I love the Church (and I promise I do love going, once and there and sat down lol)  and think I have found the right one I am putting a lot of pressure on myself which is making me worse.

 

I am a girl by the way

[zil]

Wow Zil no one has ever described myself like that ever.. its certainly not something I can control.   You are so right having people in twos or threes in my own personal space doesn't bother me at all.    In fact I have been inviting people I like from Church to come to mine for dinner then I can meet them and it its not scary.

 

I think one of the main things is because I love the Church (and I promise I do love going, once and there and sat down lol)  and think I have found the right one I am putting a lot of pressure on myself which is making me worse.

 

I am a girl by the way

 

Ever since I learned what it really means to be an introvert, and that I'm an extreme one, I find it easy to spot my fellow introverts!  I'm glad you've taken to inviting church members to your home - what a great way to create lasting friendships.

 

Sorry for calling you "he".

 

Don't put too much pressure on yourself - the direction we're headed is more important than how far we've come.  Every now and then you may realize you've been slacking off (we all do).  When that happens, just start moving forward again, at your best pace - not too easy, not overwhelming.

 

(I PM'ed you some links that I hope will help you figure out how to cope with all the new group interactions that come with attending Church.)

[Guest MormonGator]

 

I am a girl by the way

 If you are into polygamy we can maybe work something out. Zil is currently filling out the application for wife #4 as we speak. 

Edited January 1, 2016 by MormonGator

[David13]

Inv.

I was of the opinion also that you were of the male persuasion.  I don't know why I thought that, I guess I just always assume someone is unless they specify otherwise.

 

I am going to disagree with zil here.  I do not agree that someone is born or genetically an introvert or extrovert.  It's all learned behavior. 

I also don't believe homosexuals are not 'born that way' either.  It's funny how certain people say well, gender identifications are not fixed, so transgender, trans this and trans that is "okay" but homos are 'born that way'.  And can't change.

I'm probably a lot more bookish than you.  I have an advanced graduate degree, after 4 years of 'higher education' and thus have done a lot of book reading.

But that book learning goes to waste unless I developed social skills to put my knowledge to work.  So I have.

And it is easy, just like anything else you have never done before is easy once you muster up the courage and get out there and do it, and learn how to do it.  Suit up and show up, they say.  In your case I guess that would be dress up and do it.

I can guarantee you that when I am not being extroverted, I am more introverted than you.

Zil, or zil.

I don't mean ht or vt.  I haven't had any of that yet.  I mean they say, hey, let's go visit that guy.  Even the Stake President and one visiting of the Seventies.

dc

[zil]

 If you are into polygamy we can maybe work something out. Zil is currently filling out the application for wife #4 as we speak. 

 

Hey! I thought it was #8!  What happened to 4-7?

 

#4 seems like such a big responsibility compared to #8.  I may have to put some pre-nup-style agreements into my application...  Where's my eraser?

 

[Guest MormonGator]

Hey! I thought it was #8!  What happened to 4-7?

 

#4 seems like such a big responsibility compared to #8.  I may have to put some pre-nup-style agreements into my application...  Where's my eraser?

 

That's AWESOME. I literally laughed out loud. 

Send me a color photo, your resume and three references as well please. 

When I told LadyGator that I was converting she said "Remember Gator, our pre-nup says no polygamy!" 

Edited January 1, 2016 by MormonGator

[zil]

I am going to disagree with zil here.  I do not agree that someone is born or genetically an introvert or extrovert.  It's all learned behavior.

 

It's not me you're disagreeing with, it's people who have researched the brain.  The learned behavior is not introversion or extroversion, but _how_you_deal_with_it_.  And it might be that what you're thinking of as introversion / extroversion isn't what I'm thinking of (or what the researchers are thinking).  Try the videos (if you're game) and see what you think.

Quick Explanation:

Detailed Explanation:

Introversion is OK / You don't have to pretend to be an extrovert:

 

 

Zil, or zil.

I don't mean ht or vt.  I haven't had any of that yet.  I mean they say, hey, let's go visit that guy.  Even the Stake President and one visiting of the Seventies.

dc

 

(It's not a real name, so caps, no caps, all caps, it's all good.)

 

Fascinating that you don't have HTers (or unfortunate that they don't show up).  I can't say I've had the SP drop by, that I can remember - could be because most of my time in this location, I've been a single female, and church members often don't know what to do with us (especially in young-family-central, which is where I live).  Anyway, this is still a small group and on territory where you're already comfortable - not really a problem either way.

[zil]

That's AWESOME. I literally laughed out loud. 

Send me a color photo, your resume and three references as well please. 

When I told LadyGator that I was converting she said "Remember Gator, our pre-nup says no polygamy!" 

 

Ha! (to LadyGator's comment)

 

Meanwhile, haven't you been reading?  I'm an extreme introvert.  I'm not sure I can come up with _three_ references...   And now I think of it, 3 "sister-wives" instead of 7 might work better after all...  Decisions, decisions.

[David13]

It's not me you're disagreeing with, it's people who have researched the brain. 

 

 

 

 

Well, at least you didn't say "scientists".  You said "researched".  I guess your idea of "research" is a little different than mine.

Then again I don't place much reliance on the so called "experts".  At least that chirpy little teen didn't try to identify herself as an "expert".

I don't believe in astrology, either.

As to the home teacher, I collar him at the chapel, or call him to meet me there.  That way I do get my home teaching, just not at home.  He laughed about that.  He says he never had anyone call for home teaching before.

Let me mention also, I don't believe in "vaccines", either, even tho' the "scientific experts" and the government says they are good and we "must" get them.

I remember the widely touted polio vaccine from the '50s.  And I don't agree they have much improved since then.

dc

Edited January 2, 2016 by David13

[zil]

You do realize the chirpy little teen was just parroting back what the organization she works for had gathered from actual researchers, right?  She was the front-man, like the anchor on the news, who is often little more than a reader.

 

I don't believe in astrology either, but I believe genetics sometimes give people 6 toes, sometimes gives other people a slightly higher or lower body temperature, and can determine your brain's "resting electro-chemical stimulation rate" (my term, not theirs) - none of that seems at all weird - as opposed to the nonsense of astrology.

 

I guess if you want to disbelieve in things which can be measured by electro-chemical monitoring, that's OK.  No person's belief ever altered reality beyond the reality of the belief and what they did with it.  (PS: such measurement is much simpler than vaccines which are actually quite complex and subject to living, constantly changing organisms.)

[David13]

They used to believe in blood letting, also. 

They used to believe cancer was caused genetically, now they don't think that.

I'm reminded of an old song lyric, 'People can change, they always do ..."

dc

[bytebear]

Go to church a few times. I encourage you to attend the other classes as well.  They should have a Sunday school for new members and investigators.  I think once you get to know a few familiar faces, things will be much easier.  It's like any social situation. You just need to make new friends, and then things will be easier.  And other poster are right, you can't "sneak" into a Mormon service, since they are designed to be small and cooperative, everyone will know you are a new face.  But after a while, you won't be new anymore too.

[Iggy]

Go to church a few times. I encourage you to attend the other classes as well.  They should have a Sunday school for new members and investigators. Gospel Principals class. The Missionaries who are teaching you should be attending the Ward with you as well as the Gos. Princ. classes.  I think once you get to know a few familiar faces, things will be much easier. Attend Relief Society. Ask any of the women to introduce you to the Relief Society President is, tell her you are investigating the church and could she find a Sister that you can sit next to who can guide you, answer your questions, etc. Then every Sunday you will have this Sister to sit next to. Also, if you can, go to the Evening Relief Society meetings. These are so fun, entertaining, interesting and a perfect venue to get to know the other Sisters.  It's like any social situation. You just need to make new friends, and then things will be easier.  And other poster are right, you can't "sneak" into a Mormon service, since they are designed to be small and cooperative, everyone will know you are a new face.  But after a while, you won't be new anymore too.

[Guest]

It's so easy for an extrovert to say that introversion is learned behavior. It's about where you get your energy. Social engagement and big groups wear an introvert out, where extroverts go away energized. Introverts are not antisocial, we just abhor small talk and prefer smaller groups with meaningful conversation.

Edited January 2, 2016 by Eowyn

[Guest MormonGator]

Just attending church si a huge blessing. I love going to church weekly. When I'm traveling I make it a point to seek out the local ward. It's such a buzz going.  

[bytebear]

One thing you will find is that even as an investigator, you are not discouraged from participation.

[Guest MormonGator]

One thing you will find is that even as an investigator, you are not discouraged from participation.

YES. 

I'm a convert (two years last August) and no one-no one-is more friendly and welcoming than an LDS. 

[An Investigator]

One thing you will find is that even as an investigator, you are not discouraged from participation.

 

 

I stayed for all three hours last time and will be tomorrow too, that was defiantly the impression I got which is good as at the moment my Husband wont consent for my baptism so I could be an Investigator for a long long time

 

 

Thanks for all the advice anyway,  I think its just a case of keep going.   I bet in a couple of weeks it wont even be an issue.